I'm scared of getting better...

Life seems to get easier sometimes. I laugh, I smile, and I live. I love to see people being happy and feeling loved. It warms my heart. But even more than that, it hurts. I cry and I hurt. I'm broken from years of domestic abuse. Sexual, physical, mental, and emotional abuse weighs down on me everyday. I'm not okay, and I've made peace with that and I try to get better. But sometimes I look in the mirror and realize I'm so scared of healing. This pain is all I know and its hard for me to imagine life without it. The thought of living life without this constant in it is frightening to me.

I understand the feeling well and I truly believe a lot of people are that way. Being scared. I think it's a fear of things not being any different if things change, if thoughts change, if your way of living changes. What do you do with your life if you don't have the hurt and the pain anymore....what if I move beyond the hurt and the pain and I'm still not happy and content with myself and my life....who will I be without it....

Letting go of the pain, living without it is so much better, but ultimately, it's up to you how your life changes once you finally, truly let go of it all. You control that area of your life whether you let go of the pain or not, it's a choice, albeit not an easy one and not a quick one. Just keep doing your best and one day you will realize that you don't want to hold on to that honeysuckle anymore.

toasty_one said:

Life seems to get easier sometimes. I laugh, I smile, and I live. I love to see people being happy and feeling loved. It warms my heart. But even more than that, it hurts. I cry and I hurt. I'm broken from years of domestic abuse. Sexual, physical, mental, and emotional abuse weighs down on me everyday. I'm not okay, and I've made peace with that and I try to get better. But sometimes I look in the mirror and realize I'm so scared of healing. This pain is all I know and its hard for me to imagine life without it. The thought of living life without this constant in it is frightening to me.

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Oh gosh I am so sorry you went through all of that.  But you deserve much better and you are only one that can make it better.  I know I have lots of depression also from my past problems and it really affects me when I am with depressing people.  That's why I have chosen to be with more uplifting people just as much as possible.  I found my way back to church and found people who truly do care about me and makes me feel good about myself.  I hope you can find what gives you the job in your life that you deserve.