One-sided friendships are becoming so recurring...

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LongWolfFang

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It's honestly getting to the stage where I'm feeling numb to it for all the wrong reasons. Seems like no matter how I meet these people (whether IRL, old friends, online or through gaming and other mutual interests), it always ends up the same: I'm the one caring too much and investing the time into the friendship. I'm not the "give and expect something of equal value back" type, but friendships by nature shouldn't have one person put in all the effort. It gets tiring to be there for friends when they come whining at your feet about their problems or they strike a conversation/send you a message only to talk about what's going on in their lives and their interests (you give them your undivided attention, too), only to get their disinterest to your life and other stuff in return when you want an ear. After it gets to that intolerable point, I always just resolve to saying "screw you" and stop talking to them. I used to feel so bad doing that, but now, I'm even numb to that feeling and just don't care anymore.

It's happened to me so much to where it's causing me to neglect the importance of the things in my own life -- like the world's telling me  nothing I do, say or feel is as important as everyone else's life since no one listens. I can't even give people I hardly know a straight answer anymore when they ask me questions about myself, because I'm so used to not being asked such things on a regular basis. But at the same time, I've lost that much trust and respect in people to let them in on personal details... 

I'm not trying to making this long-winded though, so I'll just cut that off here before I get more carried away. Sorry for the ramble.
 
They suck. Long ago I found myself abandoning acquaintanceships rather quickly simply because I knew that the other party/parties were not investing in them like I was. I developed the mentality around my early to mid teens that I wasn't gonna chase people, and that I was only going to dedicate time to people if I felt they were going to do the same. It's a good value to possess, but the problem is then finding people who share it. Seeing as generally it's difficult to do so, you find yourself even more alone. But here's the thing; would you rather be alone or have a bucket load of "acquaintances" who you need to go to in order to engage with when they never bother with you?

Admittedly, one should be able to acknowledge their own failings as to why such relations fail, but then you reach a point where there's only so much work on yourself you can do to please others, and therefore if people want you, then they should want you for who you are, which again emphasises the need to share relations with people that are very real. By that I mean, the relations themselves and the foundations on which they are built are very real, not built on lies or fallacies.
 
Seosa said:
They suck. Long ago I found myself abandoning acquaintanceships rather quickly simply because I knew that the other party/parties were not investing in them like I was. I developed the mentality around my early to mid teens that I wasn't gonna chase people, and that I was only going to dedicate time to people if I felt they were going to do the same. It's a good value to possess, but the problem is then finding people who share it. Seeing as generally it's difficult to do so, you find yourself even more alone. But here's the thing; would you rather be alone or have a bucket load of "acquaintances" who you need to go to in order to engage with when they never bother with you?

Admittedly, one should be able to acknowledge their own failings as to why such relations fail, but then you reach a point where there's only so much work on yourself you can do to please others, and therefore if people want you, then they should want you for who you are, which again emphasises the need to share relations with people that are very real. By that I mean, the relations themselves and the foundations on which they are built are very real, not built on lies or fallacies.

I've developed that mentality as well. Actively chasing after people just seemed to make the situation worse from my experience. When you're desperate for trustworthy friends, you'll start to settle for anyone... and that certainly doesn't help when you end up hurt in the end by their foolishness. I would rather be alone than to have a ton of acquaintances to whom I can never rely on when it's time for them to stop being on the receiving end for once. No one can take care of you but you, so I've decided to take the back seat and let people come to me. If they don't, oh well. Better than constantly picking bad apples out the fruit basket.

Someone at work tonight asked me why I didn't have a wife or girlfriend at my age (I'm 25). Again, I had no real idea on what to tell him since I'm not used to being asked about personal stuff. So I just told him I was taking it slow and trying not to just go out there picking up bad people on impulse (I have untold history with bad women that I won't bother detailing...) so I can find someone good. Basically told me that's a bad idea because I'm supposed to "make" someone "the one", and I'm wasting my time otherwise. It's situations like that which make me realize that I just can't think and live like the majority of the people today... let alone relate to them. So, nothing I can do but just not cop out and live the way I feel best and hold my values strong for my own sake. If no one else shares the same values, then being alone with them is better than having another's values forced upon me.
 
LongWolfFang said:
Seosa said:
They suck. Long ago I found myself abandoning acquaintanceships rather quickly simply because I knew that the other party/parties were not investing in them like I was. I developed the mentality around my early to mid teens that I wasn't gonna chase people, and that I was only going to dedicate time to people if I felt they were going to do the same. It's a good value to possess, but the problem is then finding people who share it. Seeing as generally it's difficult to do so, you find yourself even more alone. But here's the thing; would you rather be alone or have a bucket load of "acquaintances" who you need to go to in order to engage with when they never bother with you?

Admittedly, one should be able to acknowledge their own failings as to why such relations fail, but then you reach a point where there's only so much work on yourself you can do to please others, and therefore if people want you, then they should want you for who you are, which again emphasises the need to share relations with people that are very real. By that I mean, the relations themselves and the foundations on which they are built are very real, not built on lies or fallacies.

I've developed that mentality as well. Actively chasing after people just seemed to make the situation worse from my experience. When you're desperate for trustworthy friends, you'll start to settle for anyone... and that certainly doesn't help when you end up hurt in the end by their foolishness. I would rather be alone than to have a ton of acquaintances to whom I can never rely on when it's time for them to stop being on the receiving end for once. No one can take care of you but you, so I've decided to take the back seat and let people come to me. If they don't, oh well. Better than constantly picking bad apples out the fruit basket.

Someone at work tonight asked me why I didn't have a wife or girlfriend at my age (I'm 25). Again, I had no real idea on what to tell him since I'm not used to being asked about personal stuff. So I just told him I was taking it slow and trying not to just go out there picking up bad people on impulse (I have untold history with bad women that I won't bother detailing...) so I can find someone good. Basically told me that's a bad idea because I'm supposed to "make" someone "the one", and I'm wasting my time otherwise. It's situations like that which make me realize that I just can't think and live like the majority of the people today... let alone relate to them. So, nothing I can do but just not cop out and live the way I feel best and hold my values strong for my own sake. If no one else shares the same values, then being alone with them is better than having another's values forced upon me.

I think pretty much all of this applies to me, to be honest.

Thing is, I know that in order to bring people into my life I'll probably need to do more, but I'm so tired of doing so. In the end you just hope for miracles, like people coming into your life in bizarre little ways, like on the bus. The notion of forever being like this hurts, but as we've agreed, it's better than living a lie.
 
It is hard to make true friends. It helps if you have something in common with them. Have you considered volunteering? If you volunteer, you get to meet new people who might have similar interests as you. Working on a project together is a great way to meet people so that you can observe how they think and if you think you would want them as a friend. Everyone gets hurt in friendships because that is the way that life is. Over the years, I have learned that "you win some, you lose some." It is important to keep trying because being isolated is not healthy. The more support you have, the better.
 
Ann10 said:
It is hard to make true friends.  It helps if you have something in common with them. Have you considered volunteering?  If you volunteer, you get to meet new people who might have similar interests as you.  Working on a project together is a great way to meet people so that you can observe how they think and if you think you would want them as a friend. Everyone gets hurt in friendships because that is the way that life is.  Over the years, I have learned that "you win some, you lose some."  It is important to keep trying because being isolated is not healthy. The more support you have, the better.

Well, the thing about that particular approach is that I've had plenty of friends in the past that shared the same interests (and hobbies) as me, but the end result was always the same. Some even shared a few of the same life values I had, but they still pushed their insecurities on me and only wanted to take. One particular individual—and this was one person I thought I had a lot in common with—even went as far as to make me feel guilty for when I was unable to be present to talk daily (yet somehow it was okay for them to disappear for days to weeks when I wanted to talk... but I never gave her issues over it) or give her all the answers she sought when crying for help. The fact that I was still trying my hardest to be supportive to the best of my ability and be around as much as I could manage just flew over her head.

Sometimes the ones I thought I had the most in common with turned out to be some of my worst experiences with people... I really don't know what to make of it. But I never tried out volunteering much, so it's a start, I suppose.
 
Volunteering is a suggestion that comes up all too easily, and usually never provides anybody with any kind of satisfaction aside from a little addition to your CV.
 
Seosa said:
Volunteering is a suggestion that comes up all too easily, and usually never provides anybody with any kind of satisfaction aside from a little addition to your CV.

I don't think that's really true.  Most people would at least get a sense that they are helping others out of volunteering. 
I think everyone should volunteer for something.  Everyone should try to help someone other than themselves or those in their little circle of life.  It not only gets them out there to do new things, it also lets them help people that may be less fortunate than them.  I don't want to go so far as to say people who volunteer aren't selfish, because I don't necessarily think people who don't volunteer are, but it gives you a sense that there is more to life than what YOU see, what you think, what you feel, etc etc.  Even if it's not directly helping another people, like picking up trash in a park or whatever, it helps because the park or place you go to will be cleaner, not only for yourself, but for everyone.
 
Problem is, volunteering jobs are so badly paid nowadays......
:D
I have mixed feelings on volunteering. If the world was right anyways, there wouldn't be any need for volunteering; the issues that created the need for volunteer work are usually the issues that would have been solved if big industries or governement cared in the first place. Taking care of the sick, the elderly, helping kids....
 
The majority of people who take an interest in me, ask personal questions (which are rare) are almost always older acquaintances, not friends or acquaintances my own age or younger. I'm guessing the co-worker who asked about that was an older male.
Sadly the majority friendships don't seem to be based on shared values and support. That requires energy a lot of people, particularly at your age, would rather not expend. They just want fellow travellers they can shoot the honeysuckle with. Happy to take that support if it's offered, but they won't reciprocate because of self centeredness, or the fact that you've already established a blueprint for the relationship being one-sided and they're comfortable with that. Depressing but not unusual.
 
If you're putting in significantly more effort, it might be healthy to maintain some distance. Not everyone is really friend material for each other, and with those who are genuinely selfish, the only thing to do is set boundaries and not exhaust yourself. They'll move on and find someone else.
 

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