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I fear death but long for release, I smoke cigarettes and dream.
Couldn't tell ya what it is about Joji, but his music speaks to my heart. Doesn't depress me, despite the content. It just gives me something I relate to on a scary level.

It's strange when someone walks up to me and asks me why I seem sad and if there's anything wrong and if they can help. It's difficult to explain how I can be depressed and have no reason for that feeling. How do I explain that even when a woman flirts with me, as rare as it may be I can tell when it's happening, that I feel little in the way of attraction or joy from the act. I desperately wish I could, but I just don't. It's as simple as the fact that it's not my ex, I don't want them, and feel nothing outside of friendship for them even if I try. I'm a monogamous person, and when I told my ex I loved her, I meant it.  Thus cutting my heart off from feeling for others. Though I tried very hard to fill that hole with someone else I eventually, after many failed attempts, decided I would just live my life single and focus on myself because I accepted the fact that I couldn't love someone even if they did like me.

I often think back about alot of the stupider things I had done or said in my relationship and remind myself to learn from my mistakes, but feel no drive to start another relationship regardless. 

I feel sexual attraction, yes, but I feel nothing as far as "love" is concerned, and I refuse to simply have a sexual relationship even if it's offered. I did that, and it wasn't rewarding at all. 

I think I just like my own depression at this point. I enjoy it's company despite how absolutely useless and trapped I feel. It gives me something to look forward to other than my dead end job, haha. 

I'm looking forward to the Vasyl Lomachenko vs Jorge Linares boxing match! That's something, but those things come and go. As much as I look forward to things I have accepted that things come and go and nothing lasts forever. Without exception. Even your favorite song or video game can get overplayed, played out, and lose it's taste.

I quit smoking weed for a long time and when I tried to pick it up again I nearly had a heart attack. Something that once helped me think through my problems caused me pain. I suppose in that way, it was actually like a girlfriend that I jokingly referred to it as. Perhaps it's simply the lower tolerance. Though I thought I was going to die, I knew it was just weed and simply a panic attack and it went away rather quickly. Weed is harmless, and I love it. Much like I love my ex. But there are some things you grow beyond and stop having a need for. It helped me find joy again, but the complacency in my life felt good. I felt almost scared that I would get pulled back into a life of being happy and having friends around, and not be able to sit by myself and be sad. Just sitting there with my two best friends repeating "I'm good. I'm good. I don't like this feeling." I don't like feeling anything but my own sadness. I repeat to myself. My sadness, my depression, feels good... feels like home.

I had another dream, but instead of a nightmare about my ex it was her sitting down with me talking through problems I've been having in life. I remember very little of it. But that's the nature of good memories. They fade, and bad ones hold one. That's just how the brain works. You're supposed to remember things you fear because it increases your chances of survival, so your brain focuses on those and they burn a deeper image into your memory. Try keeping a dream journal, if you want to be able to remember your dreams more clearly. Perhaps even lucid dream. It can be difficult but if you try hard enough you can get there, because if I could do it as a kid, you can do it.

I'll just keep it to myself and try not to cry too loud. <3
I usually don't dream at all, if i wake up from a dream i'm tired and confused all the day :|
"The journey never ends"
They're always strange...

I've had 'em as a kid and then later in life could swear up and down I just went through the exact scenario as the dream.
I've had 'em where I fall off the side of the world and land in some sort of guillotine trap trying to hang on but this stone slams down and I narrowly move my hands out of the way but manage to keep holding on.
I had one where I was in a college setting, just pretty chill, but in the next dream I had it started off as that college setting but I was somehow whisked away to some alien prison on another planet?

Had one where I was being chased by a roaming mob of not exactly people where they repeated something over and over I can't remember. Been years.

One where I was being shouted at by so many voices and then suddenly bullets burst through my wall and chased me and I ran down a spiral staircase into a dark bathroom where I was surrounded by these shadow children.

One where I was being hunted by some man.

One where I swear I woke up thinking my real life had been a dream, looked around and didn't see anything but in the dream when I closed my eyes again my brain said "You saw something, a shadow of a man." And when I opened them there was a grinning man standing over me and I couldn't move.

A few lucid dreams, some of which I forgot to remember I was dreaming halfway through so it became a full on dream again.

One where I was under a car fixing it for some reason.

Of course, a few about my ex. I've only had two, so I only really ever dream about the one that felt like anything real to me. Most it's in the capacity of them being a friend who tries to give me advice, despite reality.

One dream however i can't remember but I know I woke up with sleep paralysis next to my grandma who was on her computer and all I could do was see her out of the corner of my eyes. After a few seconds I sat up and yelled and it startled her, lol.

I see you like My Hero Academia. Very rad.
Have you ever tryed to control your dreams once you are inside them? Personally i would hate to dream that much, so at least try to have fun changing your dream realities. There were few times where i actually realized to be in a dream and i was able to create things, people and landscapes. It felt amazing :Big Grin Give it a try. 

Yessss, sometimes the "you can become a hero" is the only thing that keeps me away from suicide. Also have you seen the last episode? It was awesome Big Grin
"The journey never ends"
I haven’t seen the newest one yet but I’ve read up to the latest manga. And yeah I have controlled my dreams a few times, some tricks to achieve that are to make a habit of checking your watch irl because in a dream the time will
Never be the same twice and also to make a habit of punching your nose and trying to breath because of
Your dreaming you won’t actually be pinching your nose and will be able to breath just fine. Just a couple tips to achieve lucid dream state. Also keep a dream journal.

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