lilE
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- Joined
- Jan 7, 2015
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I honestly fear for my well being, I am so scared of how all this will end up. I have been getting worse week after week, and month after month since last fall. Everyday is constant depression, anxiety so bad it borders on paranoia, I get intrusive thoughts, my thoughts race so badly and I get obsessions that consume all of my time and energy. My moods swing. I feel like I am going to go crazy or lose my sanity. I spend too much time alone in my room and in my house. I can't function at all. I am like this whether I'm around people or by myself. It feels like I have no control over anything, that I cannot alter or change anything about my situation. I drink sometimes to escape. I feel abandoned, isolated, like no one wants anything to do with me, like people have something against me. I hide from the world.
I was diagnosed recently with bi polar disorder among other diagnoses that I already have. I'm in therapy with a new therapist, but it has not been helping yet, and the medications I am on are not doing anything for my symptoms. I want to find a new dr as I am really unhappy with my current one and how he treats me. He even mentioned that I see a new dr because we were not on the same page about the medications. And his answer to everything is "admit yourself" "go inpatient" which I did back in February and it did nothing but put me on medications that made me worse and they had to be changed.
I feel I failed as a human being, I failed myself for not finding happiness, for not being where I want to be or how I'd like to be. I failed as a son too. I feel guilty that my mom is unwell because I am unwell. She worries about me a lot and doesn't know how to help me which makes her feel frustrated, helpless, and does not know what to do, I feel bad about that, I feel bad that we argue. I wish my mom was happy with me and proud of me. I feel I failed my family and friends too. I wish I had a healthier stable relationship with them and I could help them out and do some good in everyone's lives. I just feel completely useless as a person, and worthless. I only keep going to not hurt my mother and because I am too scared to act out on urges to hurt myself or attempt suicide.
I cannot sustain this, I cannot go on like this, I don't know what to do. I am scared of the future, of staying like this or getting worse, because if it does, than how will I end up??
I was diagnosed recently with bi polar disorder among other diagnoses that I already have. I'm in therapy with a new therapist, but it has not been helping yet, and the medications I am on are not doing anything for my symptoms. I want to find a new dr as I am really unhappy with my current one and how he treats me. He even mentioned that I see a new dr because we were not on the same page about the medications. And his answer to everything is "admit yourself" "go inpatient" which I did back in February and it did nothing but put me on medications that made me worse and they had to be changed.
I feel I failed as a human being, I failed myself for not finding happiness, for not being where I want to be or how I'd like to be. I failed as a son too. I feel guilty that my mom is unwell because I am unwell. She worries about me a lot and doesn't know how to help me which makes her feel frustrated, helpless, and does not know what to do, I feel bad about that, I feel bad that we argue. I wish my mom was happy with me and proud of me. I feel I failed my family and friends too. I wish I had a healthier stable relationship with them and I could help them out and do some good in everyone's lives. I just feel completely useless as a person, and worthless. I only keep going to not hurt my mother and because I am too scared to act out on urges to hurt myself or attempt suicide.
I cannot sustain this, I cannot go on like this, I don't know what to do. I am scared of the future, of staying like this or getting worse, because if it does, than how will I end up??