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Tiina63

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I recently went on a first meet with an internet date and it seemed to go OK.   But afterwards when we were emailing he mentioned that his mother had had breast cancer and when I wrote back I mentioned that I had had it too many years ago, he wrote back and said 'it felt funny to imagine me topless but that he would like to see.'   This really put me off him as we hardly know each other and, after telling him that I had had a serious illness, I didn't expect him to respond that way.  It was inapporopriate and also, to be honest, it felt creepy.  I sent a short text saying I felt we were incompatible and now he has texted back saying I have problems with sex/breast cancer (not so) and need counselling.   The only 'problem' I have in these matters is when someone who hardly knows me wants to see me topless.  I haven't replied to his text as it could turn into a furious exchange of messages and I would rather leave him behind me. Have I overreacted or do other forum members find that his wanting to see me topless was inapporpriate given that we were almost strangers to each other?
 
Maybe he meant he wanted to see what his mom would be going through.  Maybe he jokes his way out of those kind of situations.  Maybe he was being crass.  
It's hard to tell what his reason was for saying what he said.  
However, if you felt uncomfortable with it, then i don't know if I would say it was an overreaction on your part because you feel the way you feel and given the seriousness of the subject, he could have acted better.  
If I were to give any thoughts on this, it would likely be that maybe you could have asked why he said it or told him you were uncomfortable, instead of just giving up on it straight away.
 
Thank you for replying, Callie. He wrote it in an email so he would have had time to think about what he was putting. It is over 20 years since his mum had breast cancer so whatever she went through, it was a long time ago.
 
Oh, yeah, for some reason, I only read one had, so I thought she had it now. Rereading, I see the two hads. That's kind of different. If you felt uncomfortable, I would definitely not think twice about it. The first two "excuses" I gave are kind of thrown out now, IMO, so he probably just wants to see you naked. It doesn't sound like you've been talking a long time, so I think that's a little premature to take the conversation there if you didn't give any indication that you wanted it to go there.
 
I agree with you Tina, it would make me feel uncomfortable when you hardly know him, and then that comment afterwards. I don't think you over reacted, leave him behind like you said.
 
Tiina63 said:
I recently went on a first meet with an internet date and it seemed to go OK.   But afterwards when we were emailing he mentioned that his mother had had breast cancer and when I wrote back I mentioned that I had had it too many years ago, he wrote back and said 'it felt funny to imagine me topless but that he would like to see.'   This really put me off him as we hardly know each other and, after telling him that I had had a serious illness, I didn't expect him to respond that way.  It was inapporopriate and also, to be honest, it felt creepy.  I sent a short text saying I felt we were incompatible and now he has texted back saying I have problems with sex/breast cancer (not so) and need counselling.   The only 'problem' I have in these matters is when someone who hardly knows me wants to see me topless.  I haven't replied to his text as it could turn into a furious exchange of messages and I would rather leave him behind me. Have I overreacted or do other forum members find that his wanting to see me topless was inapporpriate given that we were almost strangers to each other?


Leave this man immediately. He has zero class and zero respect. What a loser.

You deserve to be treated as a woman with the highest amount of acceptance, understanding, and admiration for what you have been through. Sounds like he's after some cheap thrills at your emotional expense.
 
I would consider it a red flag and I don't think you're in the wrong to move on if it's changed your mind. It's possible he was joking, but topless comments in response to sharing a history of cancer is bizarre imo. It's a really weird conversational swerve. Maybe it they were friends and they knew each other's senses of humor and sensitivities, and that it would be seen as funny.

I would be more wary of his getting angry about you not liking that kind of sexual comment, though. It's sleazy and immature, maybe even manipulative, to tell someone they have problems/need counseling/etc just because they didn't like a comment you made about them/their body.
 
Tiina63 said:
Have I overreacted or do other forum members find that his wanting to see me topless was inapporpriate given that we were almost strangers to each other?

One thing that I often find hard to figure out as a guy, is determining when you can say sexual things, what you can say, and how. If you're too sexual you're seen as creepy, but if you're not sexual enough you're seen as lame. If you're too vulgar, you're seen as trashy. But if you're too proper, that's just weird. It has always been very hard for me to determine how to express myself sexually, verbally.

But I think you were right, because I feel like it's really insensitive, disrespectful, and tasteless to be joking and sexual about diseases, especially one as bad as cancer. People should know better than that, at least.
 
TheSkaFish said:
Tiina63 said:
Have I overreacted or do other forum members find that his wanting to see me topless was inapporpriate given that we were almost strangers to each other?

One thing that I often find hard to figure out as a guy, is determining when you can say sexual things, what you can say, and how.  If you're too sexual you're seen as creepy, but if you're not sexual enough you're seen as lame.  If you're too vulgar, you're seen as trashy.  But if you're too proper, that's just weird.  It has always been very hard for me to determine how to express myself sexually, verbally.  

But I think you were right, because I feel like it's really insensitive, disrespectful, and tasteless to be joking and sexual about diseases, especially one as bad as cancer.  People should know better than that, at least.

I'm about as sexually charged as a guy can get, but even I know when to say things and what's appropriate. It's about using your brain...

...and it's also about respect. This guy didn't care about Tina's battle with breast cancer at all. All he cared about was masturbation material. That's inappropriate on more than one level.

I know you get the 2nd paragraph... I'm just saying.
 
Tiina, your actions show your wisdom. There's no point trying to talk to someone who thinks it's okay to react like that (yes, he was being extremely inappropriate). Sometimes, people only feel sensitive when it's their own family/close friends, and they forget to apply the same consideration to others. But I think a good indicator of a person's character, is to see how they treat family/friends and strangers alike. Respect should be the foundation of any kind of friendship/relationship. You're a wonderful person, and I hope you meet some really cool guys soon.
 
TheSkaFish said:
One thing that I often find hard to figure out as a guy, is determining when you can say sexual things, what you can say, and how.  If you're too sexual you're seen as creepy, but if you're not sexual enough you're seen as lame.  If you're too vulgar, you're seen as trashy.  But if you're too proper, that's just weird.  It has always been very hard for me to determine how to express myself sexually, verbally.  

I think there's no standard way to gage when to be sexual with a person. You've got to do it based on how things are going with that person/ how they react to mild flirting etc.

I kind of get where you're coming from. Even as a woman, if I make sexual jokes/comments too early, I'm labelled as "cheap"/"trashy", and if I suggest intimacy too soon/with the wrong guy, I'm "slutty"/"desperate". If I do nothing and wait for the guy to guide me/make the first move, I am a "prude". 

The only thing we can do is try to be as observant and perceptive as possible with the person we are engaging with and do our best. I sort of do mild flirting now to see how it is taken. If it escalates, then he's into it. If he makes a comment to shut it down, I stick to "prudishness" :p. Dating is hardwork for sure!
 
TheSkaFish said:
One thing that I often find hard to figure out as a guy, is determining when you can say sexual things, what you can say, and how. If you're too sexual you're seen as creepy, but if you're not sexual enough you're seen as lame. If you're too vulgar, you're seen as trashy. But if you're too proper, that's just weird. It has always been very hard for me to determine how to express myself sexually, verbally.

That is something which should come naturally between two people over time, and if its the one thing you are thinking about then you are doing it wrong. You shouldn't be thinking how to do these things unless you are just looking for a hookup. If you want to be in a relationship with someone then thinking about how to be sexual should be the furthest thing from your mind. Getting to know the person and each other is what your main concern should be. If your mind set is how to be sexual with another person then you'll end up like that guy Tina described. By the time you need to start being sexual with someone the two of you should know each other well enough to have discussed your issues prior.
 
That comment is super creepy and immature. You didn't overreact at all. Isn't it funny how people off dating apps have such insight to our mental issues when they get turned down?
 
Tiina63...Hi Tiina Homerun you did just the right thing and i\ said:
I recently went on a first meet with an internet date and it seemed to go OK.   But afterwards when we were emailing he mentioned that his mother had had breast cancer and when I wrote back I mentioned that I had had it too many years ago, he wrote back and said 'it felt funny to imagine me topless but that he would like to see.'   This really put me off him as we hardly know each other and, after telling him that I had had a serious illness, I didn't expect him to respond that way.  It was inapporopriate and also, to be honest, it felt creepy.  I sent a short text saying I felt we were incompatible and now he has texted back saying I have problems with sex/breast cancer (not so) and need counselling.   The only 'problem' I have in these matters is when someone who hardly knows me wants to see me topless.  I haven't replied to his text as it could turn into a furious exchange of messages and I would rather leave him behind me. Have I overreacted or do other forum members find that his wanting to see me topless was inapporpriate given that we were almost strangers to each other?
 

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