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Depression since oldest child memory, nothing works.
#1
Been dysphoric and dysfunctional my whole life to the point of even doing horrible in school as a child

Have anhedonia and am bed ridden most of the time, with bouts of akathesia and anxiety attackes

dozens of medications with 12 doctors since 1996 were no help whatsoever -- currently on an MAOI that is no help whatoever. Can only lay in bed most of the time and completely dysfunction, feel suffering all of the time.

In the past when i could sometimes go out or have more activity, every social effort failed and every person i ever knew suddenly became hostile and abandoned overnight for no reason. Despite being ok socially and told by some i was the best person ever known. Very social by nature but forced into complete isolation, I have no friends no relationship and no ability to even use my voice now as there is no one to talk to. even people very close to in the past suddenly abandoned , just a sudden nonsensical overnight change and abandonment literally overnight.

every attempt ever to improve life failed , completely failure rate. Every drug, supplement, mental exercise or self help, meditation attempt, whathave you, failed. Nothing works and i experience only suffering daily. Life has been nothing but forced suffering despite every effort for years.

Now completely isolated and cant get out of bed much. Under doctor care but no help at all. Dont even know if there is a point to posting this.

sometimes i cant look at all the threads i posted or posted replies to and only do quick logins. its hard to even be online.
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#2
(06-15-2018, 04:28 AM)tone303 Wrote: Been dysphoric and dysfunctional my whole life to the point of even doing horrible in school as a child

Have anhedonia and am bed ridden most of the time, with bouts of akathesia and anxiety attackes

dozens of medications with 12 doctors since 1996 were no help whatsoever -- currently on an MAOI that is no help whatoever. Can only lay in bed most of the time and completely dysfunction, feel suffering all of the time.

In the past when i could sometimes go out or have more activity, every social effort failed and every person i ever knew suddenly became hostile and abandoned overnight for no reason. Despite being ok socially and told by some i was the best person ever known. Very social by nature but forced into complete isolation, I have no friends no relationship and no ability to even use my voice now as there is no one to talk to. even people very close to in the past suddenly abandoned , just a sudden nonsensical overnight change and abandonment literally overnight.

every attempt ever to improve life failed , completely failure rate. Every drug, supplement, mental exercise or self help, meditation attempt, whathave you, failed. Nothing works and i experience only suffering daily. Life has been nothing but forced suffering despite every effort for years.

Now completely isolated and cant get out of bed much. Under doctor care but no help at all. Dont even know if there is a point to posting this.

sometimes i cant look at all the threads i posted or posted replies to and only do quick logins. its hard to even be online.


Since you aren't searching for someone to talk with and you haven't asked nothing there isn't a real point besides sharing your troubles with others for not feeling alone. But this isn't a critique, just for letting you know on how this thread looks like. 

What kind of cure are you trying now? Oh, i have no idea of what anhedonia and akathesia are, so i can't really say anything on this matter. Who knows, i might have them too!

However don't worry, you aren't the only one who is isolated  Club
You know, they say that we never stay still. You either go forward or you either go backward
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#3
Who says I'm not searching for someone to talk to? Ahh I hate coming back to this thread it's embarrassing
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#4
It's chill man. We're all a little screwed over in this world.
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#5
Wow, it sounds like you have struggled your whole life.  I am sorry to hear about all you have struggled with.  Medications can be helpful and hurtful at the same time. I am sorry you haven't found the one that has worked for you.

I am glad you reached out on this post.  Know you are not alone. There are people who care about you and understand how debilitating mental illness can be.

Besides medication have you been able to get counseling? I haven't struggled with the same things as you have, but I have struggled with severe depression, where I couldn't get out of bed and face the world. I was anxious to leave my bed, I wanted to, but the depression and anxiety held me back from functioning.  I knew I couldn't live like that, I have two beautiful children who needed me and a husband and I wanted to get better.

Medication alone wont heal you, getting your thoughts under control, having the right perspective, finding coping techniques that work for you, and knowing you are not alone are all things that can help you feel better. 

I read a book called Battlefield of the Mind https://bit.ly/2IQhptu. It taught me that I need to take control of my thoughts and not focus on the negative thoughts. Writing my thoughts down and then letting them go really helped me.  One person suggested, I write the negative thoughts down and then throw the paper away or burn them in a fireplace would be helpful. And it was, it was a great visual to get rid of the negative thoughts and replace them with positive ones.


Please let me know if you are getting counseling.  There is a great group online who can help guide you. https://bit.ly/2DS3v7S  

Please know you are not alone.  There are people who care and want to see you feel better.  I will be praying for you. Sending you hugs.
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#6
Thanks for the re ply prayers and hugs. I've had counseling before on a few different occasions in the past. No motive for it as it's no help either. Actually all counseling has been quite unpleasant and frustrating. I'd still be isolated in counseling and language is limited anyway where I cannot really convey understanding. I'd rather just personally find people to socialize with that have prior knowledge of my situation as best it could be known, I suppose. Never married, no children, only child no siblings, no friends no relationship of any kind total isolation, despite many social efforts endlessly. Everyone I've ever known has abandoned me but it's not from something like complaining of depression too much. It was people I was on very good terms with before they abandoned me suddenly. Cannot explain it. It is killer to be very social by nature and isolated
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#7
(06-16-2018, 01:43 AM)tone303 Wrote: I am sorry you had such a bad experience with counselors and felt abandoned. I would recommend this group who can help provide the right counselor for you.  Counseling is so important to feeling better.  Here is their info. https://bit.ly/2DS3v7S  


I will continue to pray for you. Let us know how you are feeling this week.
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#8
Do you work?
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#9
If I can't get out of bed much, then no. Total fatigue and depression, nothing works, takes a long time to even force self to load a website, like this because it feels too hard.. nothing works and never has. It doesnt matter what drug or what bloodwork, there is no treatment, no relief, ever. I probably said above that 22 years of medical attention has never helped me and I just worsen
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#10
People absentmindedly suggest ineffectiveness nonsense with this. To help a life long dysphoria, changes to the brain would have to be the equivalent of making someone with low IQ developmental disorders be an articulate of normal intellect; or reverse Parkinson's disease. The equivalent amount of alteration. The very fixed properties would have to change, even DNA altered. Its not going to happen. The ultra tiny 30 minute changes in chemistry from an exercise, if even possible is less change in consciousness than one sip of coffee is from minimal caffeine. Diet doesnt impact a person unless they are severely malnourished. And people are reversing the cause and effect of their lives. They do something because they feel well, not feel well because they do something. They also think based on how they feel, not feel based on how they think. No one would ever use any drugs if they could change how they felt just by thinking a certain way. I don't understand people's low expectations erroneous thought patterns. Homeopathy and thousands of other things shouldn't exist, there should be no demand for them.

Clearly people have Mania first, then become interested in something, then make false reports of false results that don't exist, because they are fulfilling an interest, not getting an effect. The "high" even starts when they open an Amazon package, but before even opening the bottle of supplements or self-help book. Someone is falsely reporting the compulsory fulfilling of an interest as a result from the interest. That's the source of the placebo effect. There is no real placebo effect. That is then projected onto another person in recommendation.

And that should cover most replies before they exist.
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