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So much wrong
#1
I kinda know what i have to do to improve my life at this point even though i feel like i can't because of my medical issue that i feel ruined a lot of things for me which caused me to have sezuires at a young age and had to be on medication and i got off of it before it would have probably killed me. I was a terrible student in high school i managed to graduate but getting a special deploma doesn't really get someone into college and i was about 21 when this happened.  
I never learned have to really work  a proper job because i could never make up my mind and because of bad experiences i haven't learned how to drive either and i seem to have no interest or short attention span or just can't contain all the knowledge of driving or have really low esteem i don't know why really. 
I've spent the majority of my time playing video games since its one thing i'm pretty good at and making friends online and i live at home on disability with my parents who are retired/disabled. I'm 39 as of may of this year and haven't done anything to improve myself because i just don't know what to do or how to do anything but i'm having constantly worrying about my future because of things getting more expensive, because i'm single and a lot of other issues, i don't think i could raise a family because my lack of game with women and i had girlfriends in the past up to i was about 26 but i just stopped trying because nobody wants to be with someone that doesn't work or isn't successful in life. 
I have one friend from highschool but he has a family to take care of and i just feel more and more depressed/anxiety that i keep bottled up because i feel like i can't really talk to many or get help.  I'm so used to the way i life that i haven't tried to really change much besides adding new games to play. I feel beat up as the years go on but i guess thats my age getting to me. having bad knees (left ACL repair) the medical problem being a hydrocephalus shunt which had to be put in when i was 2yo and had to take meds for sezuires 

https://www.medicinenet.com/script/main/...lekey=3826

I don't know anymore what to really do people tell me what i should do but then i just sit down in front of my computer or ps4 and forget i even heard anything since thats all i feel i'm good at or know and i could do something with that but the amount of crap i'd have to learn like running a youtube channel and doing editing i think i'd need help learning that since i seem to have issues learning period. there is so much i feel i can't do or don't want to do since i feel like i'd fuck it up and fail that i don't even try. and the thoughts just don't really stop the worries of ending up homeless and not being able to maintain what i do because of lack of education or i feel i'd be too distracted.  the worrying has gotten to the point i've lost sleep on many days but not all at once. like today i woke up at 6-6:30am being bothered by all of this and normally i used to be able to sleep most of the time without waking up early from whats on my mind but now since i turned 39 its hard to control i mean my worrying used to be about a 3-4 out of 10 now its 8-9-10, shit one day it was an 12 i was so worked up i felt a meltdown coming but i didn't cry i just tried to maintain my sanity and deal with it alone.
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#2
Hey! Sorry this is going on. Anxiety is not easy to deal with... I have struggled with it for several years now. Some of the only things that gets me through, is my faith and my family. Have you considered talking to a counselor or a pastor? It helped me... I will be praying for you and hope to hear from you soon. I also found some articles that may help. https://bit.ly/2hcTFzT
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#3
my family is Italian catholic but i was never interested in going to church or anything really.
even living with my parents i spend most of my time alone doing what i enjoy which distracts me from what i probably should do but as it stands i feel like i'm failing at life because of what i've become now instead of what i should have become years ago.
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#4
(07-05-2018, 07:28 PM)StorytellerSly Wrote: my family is Italian catholic but i was never interested in going to church or anything really.
even living with my parents i spend most of my time alone doing what i enjoy which distracts me from what i probably should do but as it stands i feel like i'm failing at life because of what i've become now instead of what i should have become years ago.

Time is going to keep going by.   You can't go back and do a better job of the past.  But you can make a future for yourself.  The only place to start is where you are now.
 
Or you can play video games for another 10 years and look back at 2018 and wish you'd made something out of your life back then.
What we think we become.
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#5
Story Teller,,,

I have had a lot of times in my life where my anxiety was so bad that people had to tell me what to do every day just to get through the day....even things like empty the litter boxes, do the dishes, dust, pay bills, and this is all after i have had my own apartments, my own home,,,had 2 children on my own, went to college, got a driver lic....

If I write things down for to do lists,,,,,,,,i make them constantly yes i have little and big pieces of paper everywhere, all of the time, but it does help me be way more successful than not being able to make my mind help me function.
If i have so much to do, that I dont know where to start. I just make a small list that is not overwhelming, I write down what should be done that day or that evening. if i tell myself to make a phone call, i write the time i need to do it and the name and phone number and the reason i need to make that call, same if it is email, after i do things on these lists, i check the items off,,,,,,,,,,,,this helps me see that i am capable of getting things done,
last year after i got out of psych ward for a month, i had to write notes like this:
take a bath,
eat
take meds
feed animals
litter boxes
rest
emails
lunch
take a walk...........

you know it was really like that for a few months. slowly I got back to my normal mode of being able to tackle a lot at once. I suffer mental illness, Depresion and Anxiety. Anxiety that can be bad enough to produce psychosis.. I do understand when things are hard to do and hard to deal with. bless you
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