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True friends
#1
This has been troubling my thoughts recently just wanted some opinions Big Grin

My only true friend at present is my wife.I know this because she's always there for me when things go wrong , I know I can talk to her about anything and it doesn't go further .I've got my broth in law and I know he's a friend because we've always got on great had laughs and I've only fallen out with him once in twenty odd years but he has a loose tongue so I can't talk to him about everything but he's family also so is he really a friend.I've got people I work with that are friends I suppose but when not working I don't socialise so just work buddies.I do games nights with friends of my brother and I get on great with them but their his friends not mine .I'm friends with my wife's true  friend and we have long chats when I'm doing jobs for her but again she's not really my friend but my wife's friend.

I've only ever had two true friends in my life in my twenties and thirties and they've long since gone but it was both a pleasure and a chore having them because I could talk to them about anything and we liked the same activities but sometimes I felt to restricted and making excuses to not see them became more frequent .

So what I'm asking is am I missing out on not having a true friend , apart from the wife.Have you got a true friend and how do you feel about them.What are the special things about having a true friend.Do you know anyone that is close to being a true friend but you just not sure of them so it may never happen.Would you miss them if they suddenly disappeared , are they essential in your life and what would happen if you broke up with them.Can they be a chore sometimes and like someone I spoke to recently about his have you grown to dislike them because you've known them so long and they just irritate you now but you can't break free of them.Are you fine without one or do you miss having one like I do occassionally.

Any other thoughts on this would be great..
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#2
I've been thinking about this for a while. What defines a true friend? Is it the intensity, or is it the duration?

I have friends that I've known my entire life and probably could hang out with if I want to - but does that mean they are a true friend?

Just recently I became friends with this guy. We text constantly, about nothing really. Just random stuff. I don't actually know him that well. Thing is, I can already tell that if I would be sat in somewhere in the rain with a broken car, he would come and help me. I have only known him for two weeks. I don't see it as a chore, tbf. I even think more of it as a gift that someone is willing to let me listen to their random thoughts.
At the same time, he just recently lost his best friend, his 'true' friend. They had been friends for such a long time and kinda "broke up" after a dumb fight, but I guess they are still friends.  But what made him a true friend? i don't know.

I don't do well without one. But the realisation of not having any friends, really sucks. I'm really glad I've finally got someone back in my life I can just ramble to and know I can depend on them. Along with him, I also got two new friends who will probably be my "true friends" soon. We'll see what that gives.

But it depends on how you define a "true friend", really. What's a true friend?
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#3
I am almost exactly the same as you in regards to friends - except I'm the female version. My best friend is my husband, and beyond him, I don't really have any 'true' friends. Certainly not female friends, that's for sure. Female acquitances, female co-workers, my sister-in-law, but none of them I consider close. My closest true friend would probably be a man I dated in my 30's - there's a 23-year difference in age between us and our romantic relationship never worked out, but we've remained friends for years now. And then there's a friend of my husband's who is also a mutual friend - I get along very well with him too. Otherwise, besides my hubby, I'm pretty much a loner - most times I am OK with this, but I do go through times of feeling down on myself....I think moreso because I'm a woman - there's sort of this expectation that women are supposed to have close friends, 'besties', and I sometimes feel like there's something wrong with me that I don't. Anyway, I don't let myself get in that mindset often - generally, I would say I'm perfectly happy and content with the people in my life and the friends I have, whether they are 'true' or not.
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#4
Hi Rainbows and Ringwood thanks for replying Smile . Similar to you Rainbows I've been messaging someone on the web recently and this thinking about it after your post is probably why this is on my mind at the moment.Weirdly just as one of the most traumatic periods in my life has been unfolding with my one of my kids this person appeared out of nowhere and almost instantly for the short period I've been talking to them they felt like a true friend.They also talked to me about their problems but not as intensely and that makes me feel that I wish I had more experience in helping them but I was just useless at that I think.All my worries and frustrations about the situation have just flooded out to this person and they have been wonderful and patient and every time I thought oh this must be too much they just calmly said I'm always here for you.All at the time I have difficulty talking to my wife about it because she has different ways of coping with it and my solutions tend to be a bit ham fisted compared to her but she has two true friends she can vent too as well which helps her. This person on the web has disappeared for a while which has been painful for me because of how good it felt to have this person to talk about anything to  Sad.But I'm sure if they hadn't been there at this time I may have done something impetious and stupid that would have made the situation ten times worse than it is.

Amazing Ringwood how close your life is to mine....I wonder though because we have partners that are true friends that we do all the stuff that we would normally be doing with close friends  and that is a big reason why we don't have many friends? Feel exactly the same too about not having close male friends.Not so much now but I used to worry what my kids and other people I know think about my lack of close friends but now I just don't care Toungue.
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#5
Great question! I believe friendship is vital to our marriage. Friendship with our spouse as well as with a close companion can enhance our lives and support the community around us. Although I only consider to have a couple of close friends, the ones that I can really count on are the ones who provide wisdom. Everyone seems to have an opinion, but the when looking for “true friendship” the “special thing” I always want is wisdom- not just babel. Does that make sense? I have even found sources of wisdom from strangers such as pastors, counselors, and spiritual advisors. To me it’s about the words they speak. Here (https://bit.ly/2Lfh6d7) is a little article I found interesting about friendship outside of the marriage.  
Hope this helps! 
God bless,
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#6
(07-18-2018, 12:11 PM)AbandonD4Purpose Wrote: Great question! I believe friendship is vital to our marriage. Friendship with our spouse as well as with a close companion can enhance our lives and support the community around us. Although I only consider to have a couple of close friends, the ones that I can really count on are the ones who provide wisdom. Everyone seems to have an opinion, but the when looking for “true friendship” the “special thing” I always want is wisdom- not just babel. Does that make sense? I have even found sources of wisdom from strangers such as pastors, counselors, and spiritual advisors. To me it’s about the words they speak. Here (https://bit.ly/2Lfh6d7) is a little article I found interesting about friendship outside of the marriage.  
Hope this helps! 
God bless,

Thanks so much for that AbandonD 4Purpose.I'm sure it will be an interesting read after work.Thinking about what you have said because we are so close and support each other especially now later in our marriage my wife does alot of voluntary work in the community and I try the best to go that extra mile with my customers at work, some of them I also now consider as friends I don't just consider it a job.So maybe I should be grateful for this and not concern my self so much with having a true friend outside of marriage because as you say it is important to do our little bit for the community..and marriage is still very important and should be preserved where possible.
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#7
I think as long as you have your wife, then you are good to go.

Duration does and doesn't indicate a true friend. You can meet someone, become friends and instantly have them as a "true" friend. Then again, you can have friends you thought were "true" friends, only to be stabbed in the back by them or abandoned by them. I have a few true friends. Some of which I've never actually met before offline. They would be there for me in a heartbeat, even if it's just over the phone or in a message online. They don't judge me, they listen, they are just there whenever I need them. They are in it for the long haul. You don't have to speak every day and can go months or even years without talking and then one day you need them and they are there like no time passed at all.

It kind of sounds like you feel you are missing out, so just remember that it's never too late to find new friends. Get out there and meet people.
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#8
You're not missing out at all. People suck and true friends always turn their back on you. Oscar Wilde said it best, "a true friend stabs you in the front".
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#9
I don't agree Jafo. I really don't. I don't think every person betrays each other. That kind of attitude is sad to have. Just makes things more painful, I think - because when a truly genuine person comes around you'll dismiss them or wont get fully attached because 'they'll just betray you'...

Now, for intensity vs duration...
I have a friend I've only known for a year and we're practically sisters. Her friends that have known her since she was a child all left her due to her mental illness about 5 months ago and I was the only one who stayed. Despite having known her for the shortest amount of time, despite everyone around me snaking and telling me she was an awful person, I stood by her. I knew that she wasn't the crappy one and I'm still glad I remained friends with her because her former friends were toxic people. Yeah, there's always gonna be those people - but you gotta understand that a real friend is gonna have your back, ride and die. So I definitely believe it's the quality of the relationship vs the quantity of time spent.
I don't necessarily think all friends have to be true - you don't have to share a lifelong friend bond with every friend you make, but it's great to have those bonds when you do. It's a slim chance but it's always worth it!

On a side note, I think it's absolutely wonderful that your wife is your best friend. That's a really good thing for relationships!! It means you're already compatible on a normal level, and the fact that you're married shows your compatibility on a romantic level. I'm happy for you!!
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#10
Thanks Juni...you have a kind soul...take care Jo

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