True friends

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Joturbo

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This has been troubling my thoughts recently just wanted some opinions :D

My only true friend at present is my wife.I know this because she's always there for me when things go wrong , I know I can talk to her about anything and it doesn't go further .I've got my broth in law and I know he's a friend because we've always got on great had laughs and I've only fallen out with him once in twenty odd years but he has a loose tongue so I can't talk to him about everything but he's family also so is he really a friend.I've got people I work with that are friends I suppose but when not working I don't socialise so just work buddies.I do games nights with friends of my brother and I get on great with them but their his friends not mine .I'm friends with my wife's true  friend and we have long chats when I'm doing jobs for her but again she's not really my friend but my wife's friend.

I've only ever had two true friends in my life in my twenties and thirties and they've long since gone but it was both a pleasure and a chore having them because I could talk to them about anything and we liked the same activities but sometimes I felt to restricted and making excuses to not see them became more frequent .

So what I'm asking is am I missing out on not having a true friend , apart from the wife.Have you got a true friend and how do you feel about them.What are the special things about having a true friend.Do you know anyone that is close to being a true friend but you just not sure of them so it may never happen.Would you miss them if they suddenly disappeared , are they essential in your life and what would happen if you broke up with them.Can they be a chore sometimes and like someone I spoke to recently about his have you grown to dislike them because you've known them so long and they just irritate you now but you can't break free of them.Are you fine without one or do you miss having one like I do occassionally.

Any other thoughts on this would be great..
 
I've been thinking about this for a while. What defines a true friend? Is it the intensity, or is it the duration?

I have friends that I've known my entire life and probably could hang out with if I want to - but does that mean they are a true friend?

Just recently I became friends with this guy. We text constantly, about nothing really. Just random stuff. I don't actually know him that well. Thing is, I can already tell that if I would be sat in somewhere in the rain with a broken car, he would come and help me. I have only known him for two weeks. I don't see it as a chore, tbf. I even think more of it as a gift that someone is willing to let me listen to their random thoughts.
At the same time, he just recently lost his best friend, his 'true' friend. They had been friends for such a long time and kinda "broke up" after a dumb fight, but I guess they are still friends.  But what made him a true friend? i don't know.

I don't do well without one. But the realisation of not having any friends, really sucks. I'm really glad I've finally got someone back in my life I can just ramble to and know I can depend on them. Along with him, I also got two new friends who will probably be my "true friends" soon. We'll see what that gives.

But it depends on how you define a "true friend", really. What's a true friend?
 
I am almost exactly the same as you in regards to friends - except I'm the female version. My best friend is my husband, and beyond him, I don't really have any 'true' friends. Certainly not female friends, that's for sure. Female acquitances, female co-workers, my sister-in-law, but none of them I consider close. My closest true friend would probably be a man I dated in my 30's - there's a 23-year difference in age between us and our romantic relationship never worked out, but we've remained friends for years now. And then there's a friend of my husband's who is also a mutual friend - I get along very well with him too. Otherwise, besides my hubby, I'm pretty much a loner - most times I am OK with this, but I do go through times of feeling down on myself....I think moreso because I'm a woman - there's sort of this expectation that women are supposed to have close friends, 'besties', and I sometimes feel like there's something wrong with me that I don't. Anyway, I don't let myself get in that mindset often - generally, I would say I'm perfectly happy and content with the people in my life and the friends I have, whether they are 'true' or not.
 
Hi Rainbows and Ringwood thanks for replying :) . Similar to you Rainbows I've been messaging someone on the web recently and this thinking about it after your post is probably why this is on my mind at the moment.Weirdly just as one of the most traumatic periods in my life has been unfolding with my one of my kids this person appeared out of nowhere and almost instantly for the short period I've been talking to them they felt like a true friend.They also talked to me about their problems but not as intensely and that makes me feel that I wish I had more experience in helping them but I was just useless at that I think.All my worries and frustrations about the situation have just flooded out to this person and they have been wonderful and patient and every time I thought oh this must be too much they just calmly said I'm always here for you.All at the time I have difficulty talking to my wife about it because she has different ways of coping with it and my solutions tend to be a bit ham fisted compared to her but she has two true friends she can vent too as well which helps her. This person on the web has disappeared for a while which has been painful for me because of how good it felt to have this person to talk about anything to  :(.But I'm sure if they hadn't been there at this time I may have done something impetious and stupid that would have made the situation ten times worse than it is.

Amazing Ringwood how close your life is to mine....I wonder though because we have partners that are true friends that we do all the stuff that we would normally be doing with close friends  and that is a big reason why we don't have many friends? Feel exactly the same too about not having close male friends.Not so much now but I used to worry what my kids and other people I know think about my lack of close friends but now I just don't care :p.
 
Great question! I believe friendship is vital to our marriage. Friendship with our spouse as well as with a close companion can enhance our lives and support the community around us. Although I only consider to have a couple of close friends, the ones that I can really count on are the ones who provide wisdom. Everyone seems to have an opinion, but the when looking for “true friendship” the “special thing” I always want is wisdom- not just babel. Does that make sense? I have even found sources of wisdom from strangers such as pastors, counselors, and spiritual advisors. To me it’s about the words they speak. Here (https://bit.ly/2Lfh6d7) is a little article I found interesting about friendship outside of the marriage.  
Hope this helps! 
God bless,
 
AbandonD4Purpose said:
Great question! I believe friendship is vital to our marriage. Friendship with our spouse as well as with a close companion can enhance our lives and support the community around us. Although I only consider to have a couple of close friends, the ones that I can really count on are the ones who provide wisdom. Everyone seems to have an opinion, but the when looking for “true friendship” the “special thing” I always want is wisdom- not just babel. Does that make sense? I have even found sources of wisdom from strangers such as pastors, counselors, and spiritual advisors. To me it’s about the words they speak. Here (https://bit.ly/2Lfh6d7) is a little article I found interesting about friendship outside of the marriage.  
Hope this helps! 
God bless,

Thanks so much for that AbandonD 4Purpose.I'm sure it will be an interesting read after work.Thinking about what you have said because we are so close and support each other especially now later in our marriage my wife does alot of voluntary work in the community and I try the best to go that extra mile with my customers at work, some of them I also now consider as friends I don't just consider it a job.So maybe I should be grateful for this and not concern my self so much with having a true friend outside of marriage because as you say it is important to do our little bit for the community..and marriage is still very important and should be preserved where possible.
 
I think as long as you have your wife, then you are good to go.

Duration does and doesn't indicate a true friend. You can meet someone, become friends and instantly have them as a "true" friend. Then again, you can have friends you thought were "true" friends, only to be stabbed in the back by them or abandoned by them. I have a few true friends. Some of which I've never actually met before offline. They would be there for me in a heartbeat, even if it's just over the phone or in a message online. They don't judge me, they listen, they are just there whenever I need them. They are in it for the long haul. You don't have to speak every day and can go months or even years without talking and then one day you need them and they are there like no time passed at all.

It kind of sounds like you feel you are missing out, so just remember that it's never too late to find new friends. Get out there and meet people.
 
You're not missing out at all. People suck and true friends always turn their back on you. Oscar Wilde said it best, "a true friend stabs you in the front".
 
I don't agree Jafo. I really don't. I don't think every person betrays each other. That kind of attitude is sad to have. Just makes things more painful, I think - because when a truly genuine person comes around you'll dismiss them or wont get fully attached because 'they'll just betray you'...

Now, for intensity vs duration...
I have a friend I've only known for a year and we're practically sisters. Her friends that have known her since she was a child all left her due to her mental illness about 5 months ago and I was the only one who stayed. Despite having known her for the shortest amount of time, despite everyone around me snaking and telling me she was an awful person, I stood by her. I knew that she wasn't the crappy one and I'm still glad I remained friends with her because her former friends were toxic people. Yeah, there's always gonna be those people - but you gotta understand that a real friend is gonna have your back, ride and die. So I definitely believe it's the quality of the relationship vs the quantity of time spent.
I don't necessarily think all friends have to be true - you don't have to share a lifelong friend bond with every friend you make, but it's great to have those bonds when you do. It's a slim chance but it's always worth it!

On a side note, I think it's absolutely wonderful that your wife is your best friend. That's a really good thing for relationships!! It means you're already compatible on a normal level, and the fact that you're married shows your compatibility on a romantic level. I'm happy for you!!
 
(Sorry if I've miss the point completely :p )

I think we need to come up with our own definitions of what is a true friend. I remember thinking for the longest time that a true friend was someone you hung around with, since that's what I kept seeing other people doing. I later found out that hanging around someone for long periods of time was not something I would find comforting. Because of this, I decided a true friend was something else. Maybe in your case it's intensity, or maybe duration, or maybe even something else entirely. You mentioned a couple of things, namely that you seem to be more open in your discussions with your true friends. Maybe that's part of your definition of one?

As to whether you need them, that's probably an individual thing too. You have a wife, and seem to interact with people pretty regularly (good on ya by the way!) If you're content with that, then you might not need to pressure yourself into finding a 'true friend.' After all, you mentioned it was both a chore and a pleasure to have them around. No need to have that extra pressure of finding new true friends if you're happy with whatever you already have!
 
Thanks Mr Albatross..I'm not quite sure how to define it.

But I think I sensed straight away how trustworthy and honest the friend on the internet was and felt at ease talking about everything pretty much within days of first talking to them.I suppose being older and wiser  :p alrite older anyway it felt really good to have someone to confide in almost like therapy. I felt so rejuvenated after messaging with them and it was more than a pleasure to know them never a chore.However it was not to last and I've moved on but now realise when the wife sais 'I can't talk to you about this you don't understand I'll talk to my friend' that I do envy the closeness she has or anyone has with a true friend.

You see maybe I'm greedy but even the over day I gave someone I knew  vaguely a lift and like straight away I felt instant connection like we couldn't wait to tell each over stuff. But that's a one off anyway because of circumstances so won't happen again.So even being close to my wife we can't always confide in each other because my views can stress her out when she disagrees. Anyway hopefully one day a close friend will come along and maybe be a keeper who knows part of life's rich tapestry :D But anyone else that has a close /true friend please cherish them because I think now I understand how special and important they are in anyone's life.
 
A true friend... is someone who you feel next to you. It is a soul just like you, that is connected to you. True friends are really rare, and if you meet a friend like that, he/she is more like a brother or sister. They will always stand up for you, and you for them. They will sacrifice their time, money, effort, and most of everything if you need that. If you find a true friend, and he/she finds you... you want to keep together with all your might... like a bond of pure diamond : unbreakable. Because if you loose your true friend, you will never find him/her again.

Most of the time true friends end up as your lifetime partner... but they can also be side friends, and could end up being closer than a wife, brother, or parents.

"A true friend will always see behind your mask, while you are fooling everyone else with it."
 
Joturbo said:
...Have you got a true friend and how do you feel about them.What are the special  things about having a true friend.Do you know anyone that is close to being a true friend but you just not sure of them so it may never happen.Would you miss them if they suddenly disappeared , are they essential in your life and what would happen if you broke up with them.Can they be a chore sometimes and like someone I spoke to recently about his have you grown to dislike them because you've known them so long and they just irritate you now but you can't break free of them.Are you fine without one or do you miss having one like I do occassionally...

A true friend is true. They are honest, whether you like it or not.

The old saying 'love thy enemy' is about this. That is, your enemy has no investment in trying to please you. Therefore they are more likely to tell you the truth. While your best friend is more likely to tell you only what you want to here, just to please you and not lose friendship.

It is a strange world we live in. Most people want others to be honest, but don't particularly like to hear it. As a resuly an honest person is basically alone. They have many acquaintances, but hardly any so-called buddies. Their friendships, with acquaintences, are always true between them. They already know that you will be honest. They visit you only to hear their own truth. Then they disappear until they want to hear some more truth. It is quite funny actually.

The other side of the coin is, I rather be alone with the truth, than to be all caught up with other peoples emotions of self-deception/denial.

I like cycling, and after a good ride with friends we go to a cafe and have social gathering. I usually just listen to all the bantering and fighting for centre-stage. Now and again when all is lost of meaningfulness, my friends turn to me and ask what I think. They know that they will get an honest answer that everybody already knows, but nobody wants to risk their perceived reputation by bringing it up. So in a way I am everybodies true friend but nobodies buddy.
 
I am in a similar situation to Tranquil. People turn to me in difficult times, and confide in me when they don't know who to tell, because I am known to give honest answers.

If I were like Joturbo, and could rely on my spouse to be my true friend, I would be grateful and not hope for more. However, I understand that there is a conflict of interest sometimes when your close friend is also your family member. For example, I regarded my mom as my true friend for many years, but as I got older I realized that it's not good to share all my thoughts with her, especially if I already know that she will disagree with me. So who should I confide in? I don't have a close friend outside of my family.
 
Joturbo said:
This has been troubling my thoughts recently just wanted some opinions :D

My only true friend at present is my wife.I know this because she's always there for me when things go wrong , I know I can talk to her about anything and it doesn't go further .I've got my broth in law and I know he's a friend because we've always got on great had laughs and I've only fallen out with him once in twenty odd years but he has a loose tongue so I can't talk to him about everything but he's family also so is he really a friend.I've got people I work with that are friends I suppose but when not working I don't socialise so just work buddies.I do games nights with friends of my brother and I get on great with them but their his friends not mine .I'm friends with my wife's true  friend and we have long chats when I'm doing jobs for her but again she's not really my friend but my wife's friend.

I've only ever had two true friends in my life in my twenties and thirties and they've long since gone but it was both a pleasure and a chore having them because I could talk to them about anything and we liked the same activities but sometimes I felt to restricted and making excuses to not see them became more frequent .

So what I'm asking is am I missing out on not having a true friend , apart from the wife.Have you got a true friend and how do you feel about them.What are the special  things about having a true friend.Do you know anyone that is close to being a true friend but you just not sure of them so it may never happen.Would you miss them if they suddenly disappeared , are they essential in your life and what would happen if you broke up with them.Can they be a chore sometimes and like someone I spoke to recently about his have you grown to dislike them because you've known them so long and they just irritate you now but you can't break free of them.Are you fine without one or do you miss having one like I do occassionally.

Any other thoughts on this would be great..
Your question has had me thinking for some time.  I have a couple of friends I have known for years.  One I have known for literally 50 years.  For a long time our lives ran in parallel.  So it was very easy for us to relate and share and talk.  And we did - often - even though we might be geographically far apart.  

Over the past 10 years, though, our lives have diverged.  We no longer share so much in common.  In fact, the past is really the only remaining link.  It saddens me to say that I would no longer consider him a "close friend" as I would have in the past.  We have just gone two different directions.  Honestly, I'm sorry for that.  But it is not the fault of either of us.  It's just life.

The other long time friends I have really fall into a similar category.  Our lives have changed so much that, yes, we're still friends.  Yes, any of them would be there for me if I were in trouble.  But do I now talk to them about personal things?  Really, not so much.  So, I guess for me to call them close friends at this point would feel like a bit of a stretch.

I have recently moved and now live in a new place.  It is pretty rural and the cultural diversity is very low.  In addition, most of the people here are from families that have lived here for generations.  Honestly, it has been difficult for me to find and make friends here.  I know many acquaintances.  But there are few I have found that seem to have the time, the inclination, or the interest to develop a friendship.
 
GallegoRL51 said:
Wow! I would guess everyone who read your message about “true friend” got a bit lost.

 I have what I consider true friends and acquaintances with which I may interact for business or because of similar interests. Those I consider true friends (I call one my brother) are people I can count on being there when and if I ever have a need to call someone. These people I call true friends or best friends, they may or may not assign me the same designation, so that’s speculative because it would be weird to challenge someone to prove their friendship pledge...cut a vein and mix bloody wounds....right ....ridiculous and silly. 

I befriended a female...while married....yes my wife knew her. I felt her level of friendship was higher on her part than it was on my part....perhaps I was on the defensive and protective mode (I don’t screw around) so her coming to my house(my business place as well) posed as a potential source of conflict to her and my marriage. 

I confide about some personal issues with those very close friends, but I don’t disclose everything about me with anyone....not even a physician. That’s how I feel about this subject.

Hi mate.....thanks for highlighting my lack of comprehension and I suppose confused way of putting my thoughts across lol. I really do appreciate this because this could be one of the reasons for my lack of real friends in life  and reactions when I first speak to people in new environments and has made me think maybe I should go back to school , but maybe that's a bit too late lol . I've worked a manual job most of my life which is 90% solitary which could also be an excuse but am feeling a bit paranoid about writing this now lol so will default to my safe mode and say .......I'm really pleased you have a decent haul of true friends there I do envy that. I do hope you stick around and not disappear like many on here after a week or so .  :)
 
A1one said:
A true friend... is someone who you feel next to you. It is a soul just like you, that is connected to you. True friends are really rare, and if you meet a friend like that, he/she is more like a brother or sister. They will always stand up for you, and you for them. They will sacrifice their time, money, effort, and most of everything if you need that. If you find a true friend, and he/she finds you... you want to keep together with all your might... like a bond of pure diamond : unbreakable. Because if you loose your true friend, you will never find him/her again.

Most of the time true friends end up as your lifetime partner... but they can also be side friends, and could end up being closer than a wife, brother, or parents.

"A true friend will always see behind your mask, while you are fooling everyone else with it."
That is exactly what i wish i could find, but is almost impossible.
 
A true friend is someone who doesn't shut you out the second you prove to be a less-than-perfect human being.
 

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