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Hi, I'm going to be having a long rant. Just a heads up. And it's going to be really petty. *sigh*

So, I've had low self esteem for my whole life. I'm female and I'm just a bit under 21. Whole life, no doubt. I have been diagnosed for three disorders, depression and anxiety related. As well as schizotypal. I have a large amount of complicated strong delusions. Like I trust my outrageous stupid thoughts more than my partner. As you might already guessed, I don't trust easily. I've never trusted my own family to begin with, yup starting point. I just love having grown up so damn worthless and one sided. I still can't get over that stuff. I'm like frustrated as to why should I have grown up so messed out?! My siblings didn't turn out bad! Why fucking me?! I lived away from my hometown and I got reminded days ago as to why it's best not to visit. My family doesn't care about what I say nor do they ever side with me. Even if I'm making sense aside from my stupidity.

Life I think would be easier without these illnesses. Maybe as time goes on living away, I'll be able to control my head...Ha, I wish. I've been living away for nearly a year and I plan to live in this country permanently. I also live with my partner. We've been living together for nearly a year and known each other for nearly 2 years. We are pretty much straight-forward, we are not like the respectful loving kind of couple. I guess you can say tough love. We do make love and appreciate each other, tell it to each other. Blah blah.

But my self esteem has gotten lower involving an incident, I personally think it's affecting me more than him. I have never seen him watching porn in our entire physical relationship. He's pretty much out of the house most of the time cause of work. While he's here, he's in public view. Big window near computer desk in the lounge. I lounge there as well because the others rooms are cold and I want his company. He does browse selected boards on 4chan, 8chan that feature pretty looking girls from time to time. But he doesn't pay mind to them because his intentions on browsing were not for that. It'd surprise me if I ever see him watching porn for pleasure.

So what started my really low esteem as of now is just petty I guess. I feel as if I shouldn't even petty about it. But I'm embarrassed about it. It's like I got cuckold or something. He suggested we should watch GoT and I was hesitant cause I just assumed it would be boring and filled with sexual scenes. Boy was I right, not only that but the sexual scenes were far more than I fucking thought so. SO MANY IN THE FIRST EPISODE. WTF *word removed*. You might as well call it really good acting porn with a good plot you fucking *word removed*. I get the books got written first. But Jesus Christ is that what makes shit popular now? Ugh. I was telling him through the mist of the show this shit is wack the *word removed* tried to shut me up it's just naked people. It's acting. What the fuck, shutting me up whils watching this fucking porn. Maybe it was my cue to leave him. I didnt. I was getting so uncomfortable with the scenes happening, I got up and left the lounge. I tried to calm myself, because I just fucking went through a sort of cheating in front of me. He obviously got turned on and I just can't even. I tried to sing to calm my nerves but I was shaking, my lips trembled. My voice was quivering...Fuck I wanted to die. That night was horrible we argued and I ditched him for 4 hours while he tried looking for me to see if he cared about me. Which he did try, didn't bother leaving his car to walk but okay. I was just sitting at the beach bearing the damn cold crying. Didn't do anything else.

I have watched porn many times, it does turn me on. Etc. So it wasn't my first time seeing people do stuff on the screen. But this is different this is the person I want to spend my life with and how I thought they didn't fucking care about shit like that in our relationship. After that night he made up his mind that we shouldn't watch his beloved show. The argument even seeped into the morning. I just couldn't trust him in sexual means anymore. I can't even get turned on anymore, I FEEL NOTHING. I used to so easily by thinking about him and having the urge come naturally. I'm still so fucking insecure now. Even to the point where I thought he was admiring a girl yesterday at the store. UGH. Maybe he was. Should I rot myself back home because fuck I hate having not sleeping enough especially not feeling pretty/sexy. So insecure with myself I'm going to buy a bit of makeup to cover up my dark circles and sunspots. Even though he tells me not to. I've never considered make up so serious until these past few weeks.

Did I get cucked or something? What am I supposed to do with my dead clit? Been thinking whether I should leave even though life back home is much more gloomy and lonely. It's already gloomy and mental here but I'm with someone who appreciates me and can't deal with other people. I feel the same way too but I wish I didn't feel so bad. My hometown dislikes me and I dislike it. I have no friends there.  I hate crying. I hate these fucking tears. But I'm unsatisfied. I'm unsatisfied with life and myself. I do nothing, I'm just a maid at home for him. Getting a minimum wage job here is fucking hard and frustrating. Called so many times and asking about an update on the resume. Nepotism is overwhelming here. I have no skills besides minimum wage. Once I get residency I will apply again though. I do have minor plans after obtaining a job like driving here. I have daydreaming a bit on having a respectful caring boyfriend for some time. Seeing how my current one isn't the normal type. But I'm as fucked up as him. I'm rude, disrespectful, childish, etc. Its like you have to be with someone with similar demeanor? I just can't imagine living after leaving and going back home. I'd rather much die. Because going back is just an embarrassment, a congratulations on failing in life.
Well, I read most of the rant.
I read the rant!!!
I wouldn't focus on the incident itself too much, more on the underlying factors that made it happen.
You didn't get cucked. You're just a little crazy is all.
control your own insecurities, ffs!
Your SO wants to watch a show with you, stop the crazy train and plant your feet on the ground. what the hell, man!
So it's okay for YOU to get turned on by porn, but not okay for him? That's a little selfish, isn't it? You can't control what turns him on and what doesn't. You do need to get your insecurities in check and grow up a little bit.
You are seriously going to leave a guy because of a tv show? That's a little fucked up, IMO. And the show DOES have a storyline. A rather good one, actually. Yes, it has a lot of nudity and sex, but it DOES have more than that. It took me half of the first season to see that. Not everyone is going to like it, but damn, get ahold of yourself and look at shit in a calm, rational manner when you can, if you can't, talk to HIM in a calm, rational manner and try to resolve shit, instead of just assuming you know everything. You don't.
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No offense, but is this a troll post?
(07-19-2018, 09:27 AM)Rainbows Wrote: No offense, but is this a troll post?

Ur a troll post
You said you were diagnosed schizotypal? And you have delusions. When was the last time you talked to a doctor?

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