Ever since childhood...your thoughts? (more like a random rant)

I often wonder, would I be different was I born in a different family? Sometimes I really feel like all my problems come from my family for as long as I can remember. Now this leads to another problem which is, how can I blame anyone (my family) really? What if I one day have kids of my own and they will feel the same way I do? I don't know what's wrong with me. Of course I love my parents. I just can't help but wonder if the abusive behavior is in my head, was I always too sensitive, or what. It's not like anything criminal ever happened, no. It's just these feeligns I've always had.

I couldn't connect with my mother and sometimes I feared her. She was often very strict and I am a very sensitive person. Maybe she didn't realize it. I became very shut (or always was, I don't know), I couldnt show my emotions, couldn't fight back, because she was loud and scary and she always had to be right. This applies even to my father, my mother would get angry and I felt sorry for my father for their fights, there is no winnig her and I absolutely hate it because it is unreal and twisted, nobody is always right every time. some people can't seem to face the facts and perhaps even apologize? yeah not my mother, ever.

I remember, it was very often, I would feel uneasy when I heard my mother raising her voice . I couldn't always know if she was angry or just wanted someone to hear her. THere was no difference in the tone. We lived in a rather large house so of course yelling was the most convenient way to get someone to hear you. It's just that many times this was about something negative, like a fight. I remember how I was just sitting in my room, pausing everything I was doing just to listen to this yellign and what it was about, I couldn't relax until it was over. I was scared a lot.

I have many siblings and I don't know how they feel, we don't talk about this a lot. They all seem more chill and they could always fight back and I was always the one to take the sh*t.


My father was more caring and he always listens to your troubles. I don't tell him much about any issues but I have the feeling he is always there. He is a bit distant as well but at least I know he is more empathic than my mother. But there is something that bothers me. I was always anxious because my room was always a mess, I couldn't clean it up, ever since I was a kid. My parents would sometimes go in there to check it. A couple of times someone (my fahter as i later learned) had gone to my room and pulled everything out of my wardrobe and drawers and of course they were always full of stuff because I didn't throw a lot of things away. It all was on my floor scattered but nothing was spoken afterwards, I mean, the one who did this wouldn't say a word. This was our life, in a way, we didn't communicate, but invading my privacy this way was always hurtful. Being shy I never said anything. This way of life where you don't communicate is so sick to me, I see it these days, and I never want antyhing like this to my kids if I ever want to have any. 

One major thing is my sister who always seemed to love bullying me. She was is dominant and I was too shy to stop her from treating me like sh*t. But yeah we spent a lot of time together and these days are we are both way over our 20's I know she's had her troubles too. But to take it out on your (younger) sibling when we were both young is rather cruel.

This is all, obviously, very summed up. I am very closed a person, I can't be myself with anyone. Is it because I never had this close support web? I can't relate to stories about close families and relationships, this sounds so silly and random but is real to me, I can't relate because I can't imagine it and thus feel it. I feel like I'm the one who's betraying everyone because I know my parents worked really hard, they were not any kind of substance abusers, I had food on my plate etc etc. But not all basic needs were met and by that I mean is some kind of love, empathy, well idk anything but the feeling of always being under stress, even outside home. All of this affecting to me in my mid 20's who still can't get her life together, still afraid of actually doing what I think I mihgt want to do, still never really dated anyone, sad and always at home because everything seems impossible to me.

I love to be alone because that's when I feel I can finally relax and do what I want to do.

Sorry this is more like a random rant without any point. Ijust felt like writing these things down and telling someone because I've never shared these feelings before. To what extenct are parent responsible if the child can't even express his/her feelings? Or shoudl parents always make sure the child can tell what is bothering him/her?

I can relate to a lot of this. My mom would wreck our rooms and tell us to clean it up. We weren't allowed to (under the guise of a fringe religion but there was more to it) associate with other children or even celebrate our own birthdays. There was actual abuse, physical and mental (not going into details)... though I was scared and stressed I still thought that it was normal at the time. It wasn't until I started spending more time at friends homes that I realized exactly how screwed up it all was. I state all of this only to explain that I know what you mean about always feeling stressed or scared growing up.
One thing that has helped is having some one to talk to about it. I would reach out to your siblings, it's possible they weren't as unaffected as you think. Even if you can't talk to your siblings about it, maybe a friend or just anyone you feel comfortable sharing it with.
I've also wondered about fault and responsibility. I get really angry when I think about that time, and I want to put that anger somewhere. If I don't express it somehow I end up lashing out. So I've been trying to write my feelings down and then destroying what I wrote. When I'm angry I would love to put it on my mother or father, basically where it belongs, but it'd be pointless after the fact. Even if they were to take any blame (and I would expect denial), it's not like they can go back and change anything. It's up to me to get over it. Easier said than done though.

kaetic,

I'm sorry you have experienced this as well. Thank you for sharing. "It's up to me to get over it" is exactly what I think as well. You're right, I would need to talk to someone about this. I probably won't though, not for a long time, because I don't have anyone to share my thoughts with. Plus there is also the factor that I start crying hysterically when I open up lol. My parents often didn't accept crying so I had to keep in my feelings and the tears. This kind of shaming attitude to crying only had negative effects, I believe.

Anyway, writing about it on here helped me feel better for now.