I failed at life, and as a human being.

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lilE

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I feel I failed as a member of society and as a human being. I have been out of work for so long and now that I am not responding to therapy or medication, I don’t know when if ever I will be able to function. I am more symptomatic and unstable as I have ever been, it is quite scary. All of my symptoms get worse when I am out in the world and around people. I spend majority of my time in my room and house and don’t leave much. I never have anywhere to go or anyone to see. I am so far gone that I don’t know if I will ever be able to reintegrate myself back into society. I can only hope I can find the right treatment by keep on trying with medications and therapy. 

I never had a social life either. Severe social anxiety and low self-esteem always made it very hard for me to be social. I have a lot of self-hatred. I’ve been isolated for the last ten years of my life. I don’t know how to make friends, how to talk to people, how to approach people, social cues…nothing. I was raised by my mother and older sister and my father was never around, nor did I ever have any male role models, father figures. I feel I missed out on male camaraderie, I was never one of the guys, do things with other men or spend time with them. I wish I could have had a male figure growing up to teach me things, anything, instead of having no direction and a very turbulent adolescence. I never been in a relationship with a woman before, don’t know what that is or what it’s like. So I feel I failed as a man as well, to say the least. 

But more than anything I feel I failed at life in general. That at this point I am beyond help or hope, that things cannot change from here or get any better, but worse. I feel worthless, useless, insignificant, like I don’t matter and it doesn’t make any difference if I am here or not. Like it is survival of the fittest and since I failed at absolutely everything, that I should be weeded out of existence, just disappear, because I don’t matter and am just a waste, my life was a waste. There is no point anymore to keep on going. 
 
lilE said:
I feel I failed as a member of society and as a human being. I have been out of work for so long and now that I am not responding to therapy or medication, I don’t know when if ever I will be able to function. I am more symptomatic and unstable as I have ever been, it is quite scary. All of my symptoms get worse when I am out in the world and around people. I spend majority of my time in my room and house and don’t leave much. I never have anywhere to go or anyone to see. I am so far gone that I don’t know if I will ever be able to reintegrate myself back into society. I can only hope I can find the right treatment by keep on trying with medications and therapy. 

I never had a social life either. Severe social anxiety and low self-esteem always made it very hard for me to be social. I have a lot of self-hatred. I’ve been isolated for the last ten years of my life. I don’t know how to make friends, how to talk to people, how to approach people, social cues…nothing. I was raised by my mother and older sister and my father was never around, nor did I ever have any male role models, father figures. I feel I missed out on male camaraderie, I was never one of the guys, do things with other men or spend time with them. I wish I could have had a male figure growing up to teach me things, anything, instead of having no direction and a very turbulent adolescence. I never been in a relationship with a woman before, don’t know what that is or what it’s like. So I feel I failed as a man as well, to say the least. 

But more than anything I feel I failed at life in general. That at this point I am beyond help or hope, that things cannot change from here or get any better, but worse. I feel worthless, useless, insignificant, like I don’t matter and it doesn’t make any difference if I am here or not. Like it is survival of the fittest and since I failed at absolutely everything, that I should be weeded out of existence, just disappear, because I don’t matter and am just a waste, my life was a waste. There is no point anymore to keep on going. 

nah, these are only negative thinking habits thats feed themselves. Since it was always like that you think that there is no escape, and is very easy and dangerous to get lost like this. You might just go outside if you are to stay inside your room. 

I wrote you a pm some months ago when you were searching for someone to chat with, i will do it again. Who knows, we might get along :D
 
I am hopeful that you might be feeling better. I agree that it sounds like a lot of negative. maybe you could start by identifying a negative and say a positive? I know it can be hard I was raised in a negative environment. but try even if you sound sarcastic at first but stick with it if you can do it. And, you are someone! every person has worth, you are someones, Son. you have a purpose and If you don't think so than Its probably just that you haven't seen it yet. hang in there!
 
lilE said:
I feel I failed as a member of society and as a human being. I have been out of work for so long and now that I am not responding to therapy or medication, I don’t know when if ever I will be able to function. I am more symptomatic and unstable as I have ever been, it is quite scary. All of my symptoms get worse when I am out in the world and around people. I spend majority of my time in my room and house and don’t leave much. I never have anywhere to go or anyone to see. I am so far gone that I don’t know if I will ever be able to reintegrate myself back into society. I can only hope I can find the right treatment by keep on trying with medications and therapy. 

I never had a social life either. Severe social anxiety and low self-esteem always made it very hard for me to be social. I have a lot of self-hatred. I’ve been isolated for the last ten years of my life. I don’t know how to make friends, how to talk to people, how to approach people, social cues…nothing. I was raised by my mother and older sister and my father was never around, nor did I ever have any male role models, father figures. I feel I missed out on male camaraderie, I was never one of the guys, do things with other men or spend time with them. I wish I could have had a male figure growing up to teach me things, anything, instead of having no direction and a very turbulent adolescence. I never been in a relationship with a woman before, don’t know what that is or what it’s like. So I feel I failed as a man as well, to say the least. 

But more than anything I feel I failed at life in general. That at this point I am beyond help or hope, that things cannot change from here or get any better, but worse. I feel worthless, useless, insignificant, like I don’t matter and it doesn’t make any difference if I am here or not. Like it is survival of the fittest and since I failed at absolutely everything, that I should be weeded out of existence, just disappear, because I don’t matter and am just a waste, my life was a waste. There is no point anymore to keep on going. 

This sounds so much like how I feel, too. I wish I could offer you some words of encouragement or some sort of positivity, but unfortunately I have none I can honestly offer. Hopefully things will work out somehow.
 
Thanks for the replies everyone. I just feel that I am too far gone. I am living with such limitations these days. I have almost no social skills and when I am around people I feel terrified, too scared to talk to people, look at people, approach people, or just be around them, don't know what to say or how to act. Being isolated for so long it is the norm for me, and being around people is incredibly difficult and painful. This is the reason why I don't leave my room much or go out. The most I can do is emails, texts, messages, phone calls, and video calls. But face to face in person, especially in groups freaks me out. No social life whatsoever, and spend a concerning amount of time by myself, but I feel worse when I am around people.....so kind of stuck.

I feel I lost a huge part of myself comparing to two years ago. With my mental decline, I feel I am not as intelligent as I was before, that I am not in shape looking well and healthy, and that I have never been this ill, unstable, and troubled as I am now. I don't see a way out of this. I don't see how things will get better or change. I don't think I will get my intelligence back as I have lots of cognition problems. I feel too sick to do anything about my body image, and certain aspects I am afraid will not change. Do I have to accept things the way they are now, and expect that it will be like this from now on, or worse...because that is quite a miserable way to live. I can't sustain living like this indefinitely or for things to get worse. Which makes me think it is not worth it to try anymore or to go on. I can only hope that by keeping on trying I will find the right treatment, as well as lifestyle changes and things that work for me.
 
Just wanted to say you really helped me this morning :).This I know sounds selfish but you inspired me to do something my stupid pride got in the way of before.I've been stressed about money which always results in depression and just generally leaves me motionless and my kids know it because they start asking have I not been paid yet (which I haven't..self employed don't go there) or do I want to borrow some money.So after reading your post, which I'm sorry wouldn't know where to start helping with , I leapt out of bed and borrowed the money from my daughter and now I feel normal again ,can get dressed go to work and actually afford to buy presents for my kids and friends on holiday.I know this doesn't help but I'm thinking seeing someone tons worse off than me sorted me out.

Funnily enough my daughter opened a tax letter five minutes later that had been sitting for several days and in it was a tax rebate for just under the amount she leant me..strange old world eh.

So Thank you..... you really helped me. :rolleyes:
 
Oh my dear fellow. dont be under estimate you. What you think in this world you are a useless personality. No one has no concern with you. No my dear no. Say no to depression. Dont think too much. I am here your friend. a male figure to teach you. Every one has a goal in life. I know your soul is thirsty. You are not failed in this life. When you will get the secret of life you will enjoy. whats your whatsapp if i want to keep in touch with you.
 

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