I need help ASAP. I would like to move in with my Father.

Hello, I've been searching the internet for people in the same situation as me in hopes of finding advice, but there seems to be no one. I genuinely didn't want to end up sharing my life story on the internet, but I have nowhere to turn at this point.

My parents split approximately this time last year, and ever since then, my life has taken a bit of a downward spiral. My Father has always been a working man and gave his all to support us running his business while my family was still together, but my mom didn't like the fact that he wasn't always doing stuff with us. Not to my surprise, after a weekend away with one of my close friends last summer she told me that my Dad was moving out and they were getting a divorce. At first, I wasn't mad at all. I completely understood my parent's situation, and I viewed this as a new life with no negativity or yelling parents. Sigh. I was wrong.

About 2 weeks after my dad moved out, my mom's new boyfriend moved in. Yes, a whole 2 weeks. This infuriated both me and my 12-year-old brother, and my mom has always used the excuse "I was unhappy for 13 years in that marriage". The first month or so was fine with me, I did my best to respect both my mom and her boyfriend (Let's call him Carl) and this worked for a while. On the other hand, my brother (Let's call him Kim) would get in regular verbal fights with Carl and it quickly escalated to Kim punching Carl. Carl never fights back, but regularly yells at my brother calling him profane nicknames. Carl also always likes to mention how I don't have friends over at our house, but every time I have had one visit he screams at Kim. It's been hard keeping a decent social life. 

Ever since Carl has been in my Mother's life, he has influenced her in a negative way. Me and my Mom used to get along wonderfully. I could talk to her about anything that was bothering me. Now, it feels as if she and Carl have trapped themselves away in their own little bubble - I can't talk to her or have any decent conversation unless Carl isn't home. I genuinely miss the way my mother was before all this happened. Carl essentially treats both me and my brother as if we're just burdens in the way of getting to my mom. I have attempted talking to them about how I feel a grand total of 1 time - this ended up in me literally getting verbally assaulted for a good 10 minutes, almost going deaf in one ear, getting avoided for 2 days until I "apologized to them", and then having to treat them like royalty all over again. In addition to all of this on the less important side, Carl started "renovating" our house. This began by tearing half of my room away and not patching up the giant gaping hole of drywall left behind. It's been four months. I've always prided myself on keeping a nice-looking room that I could practice piano and study quietly in, but now all I have left is enough room reasonable for a bed and a dresser. It's crowded and I barely have room for my belongings. Carl has also taken off my bedroom door twice and locked my bathroom. Is it just me, or is a 15-year-old female with no privacy for getting dressed a little odd? He has also locked up half of the rooms in our home (including rooms with some of my father's belongings that he would like back). I just wanted to live a positive life with my new "step-dad" and my mother. 

I understand that I am a teenager and stereotyped as "lazy, ungrateful and parent-hating". Throughout my life, I have always been praised for being mature and a great student - but all of my motivation for this went away a little while after Carl scraped away a spot into my life. It got to a point in May of this year where I was admitted into a counseling regime to help me with my depression and really terrifying suicidal thoughts. Reflecting on what I have experienced a throughout my life in the past few years, I don't feel like living with my Mother and Carl is healthy for me. 

Visiting my Dad and staying at his apartment is like a safe haven for me. I am treated with respect and unconditional love, and I can talk to him can talk about anything. My mom thinks the only reason I care for my dad and his apartment is because he "buys me things" and lets me "do whatever I want with no consequences". I still have to cook and clean up after people and work for what I want. The only difference is that I feel comfortable and genuinely loved when I am there. 

My dad has brought up the option for me to live with him, as he is getting a new house very soon. I really would like to take this opportunity, but there are a variety of factors keeping me from doing so:

- I wouldn't be living with my little brother anymore. (Due to separate reasons, I cannot take him with me if I could)
- My Mom might somewhat disown me.
- I might propose this idea to my mom and her boyfriend and I will get screamed at, blamed and ridiculed. I am also scared to even bring it up. 
- I would miss my Mother.
- I wouldn't be living with my cats. (Dad is allergic)

These are literally the only things keeping me from asking my Mother and Carl. I need some advice very soon, as my Mom and Dad are getting a final separation agreement next month and my grade 10 year starts around the same time as that. My birthday is also in 3 days. I would like to start fresh this incoming school year if this is a good idea.

Thank you for reading.

I am so sorry you are going through all this - a completely different situation, but my parents also divorced when I was around the same age, so I do know how hard it can be.

You come across as incredibly mature for a 15-year old - you obviously are a very smart, intelligent young woman and have carefully thought about the possibilities of moving out. From the sounds of it, the current environment you are in seems quite toxic - I think your reasoning for moving in with your dad is completely understandable and I would follow through with it if I were you. Is there no possiblility of bringing your little brother as well? I am worried that the current living arrangement is not healthy for him either.

I hope that you are able to sit down with both Carl and your mother, and have a reasonable discussion with both of them - if it devolves into a shouting and blaming match, then you can take heart that you've tried your best to explain your thoughts and leave it at that. You are not responsible for how your mother may react - remember that.

Hugs...

First off, happy (early) birthday.

Okay, now for the custody thing. I think you have to do what's best for YOU. Don't worry so much about how your mom is going to take it. If you are becoming suicidal living with your mom and Carl, you NEED to get out of there. If your mom loves you, she will not disown you. She may be pissy and avoid you for a while, but she won't disown you.

What will happen with your brother if you move out? Why can't he come with you? It doesn't sound like a healthy environment for either one of you. Verbal abuse is still abuse and it sounds like you both get a lot of that.

If the custody agreement is changed to your dad having you more than your mom, your mom will still be able to have weekends with you, so you will still see your brother, your mom and your cats.

All in all, you should do what would be the best outcome for you.

Depending on what country you live in, you have a legal say starting at 14 on where you live. I understand not being with your brother is one of the most difficult things to consider. My best advice would be to have you and your father one weekend sit down with a lawyer for and information session and decide jointly if you want to go through with the possibly long and painful process all this can turn into. Your father would have to initiate and pay, so you all should make informed choices. Judging from the little posted here, though, it doesnt sound like remaining in that house is a pleasant prospect. I do not want to speak ill of your parents, but your mother sounds like she doesnt quite have her priorities in order. Maybe she needs a wake up call.

And if Carl hits your brother in any way, have your dad take measures. This is unnacceptable. You do sound like a mature kid, go and speak to people who can professionnally advise you all than a forum.

Best of luck, kiddo.

You do have a lot to weigh with your choice. I have a son who is 19. and it is the opposite, he disowns me all of the time, i cant say everything that happend on here, but ,,,It really does take a lot for a mother to disown a child. Even if she doesn't want to be your best buddy for a while, she will still love you and you are still her child.

I do want to say before anything else, that you are very mature for a teenage person, and you did a wonderful job expressing your feelings and fears here. Good for you...

I would say that you may need to choose what is best for you, and your life.........You can move away from your dads or close by him when you get a little older and get your cats, or new cats...I know that is hard, but for right now,,you may have some real hard choices to make.

I would just tell your mom, you love her to no end, and you just want everyone to be as healthy and happy as they can be, and you feel this is going to help things move in that direction,,,if you all aren't living in close quarters for now at least.

I would tell your dad,,,,,,,,,,,thank you dad for being a hard worker, a good provider, and for meeting your needs,,,,,,,,,,good for him,,,,

I hope you are more settled than when you had to post this, blessings to you