HeTHu4epTa
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- Jul 22, 2018
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Hi to all who are going to read this post.
Probably should start somewhere, but have no idea from what point... so i’ll do
it from the beginning.
Been lonely most of my life. Even when a was a kid, I still never could fit-in perfectly. I had a some sort of social life for about untill a came of age 15. But when you are a youngster “social life” is... how to say it... not exactly has the same meaning as in an adulthood. Don’t understand why or how “15” became that point. So the time went on. I communicated with family members. I went to school, but after that lonely hours turned into lonely days going in to lonely weeks, months, years. At some point i had been thinking to even end this life. But having an optimistic mind set always stopped me from actually doing something to myself. You know, an inner dialog broke out every time I tried to do something, like:
- fck everything - *gonna swallow a hand full of pill*
Inner voice:
- don’t do it! You’re not happy, but remain calm! Time will come! Have faith!
So i kept calm. Eventually, I turned 20 years old. Went to language courses (since i live in a country not the language of whitch is not my native). And what do you think? I met a bunch of people there, with whom I had began to socialize a little. 2 decades of loneliness were comming to an end... yeah, so i thought. One day a girl joined our group. The moment i saw her some freaking Cupid shot an arrow at me or a lust demon bit my ass. Don’t know. Don’t care. All i was thinking at that time: you will be mine. So i started hitting on her. For the first 3-4 months she gave me a hardcore friendzone treatment. But i pressed on. Calling her, inviting to movies, caffes and etc. One day got in a fight with another guy who was interested in her. Blah blah blah. She gives in, we become a couple. (Interesting fact: i thought i won her attention by being so persistant and not backing down, but years later it turned out i had help from another girl from our group who was constantly screwing her ears with “give him a chance, come on” and so on. Never asked her to do so, by the way).
Back to the story line. We begin to live together. Everything is normal. The courses are finished. She works, i work (since i got a language degree, i was in the process of quiting my job for a better-paid one). Anyway, my lonely days are seemed to have jumped their own as* and died. I socialize with my GF friends and some people from our language group. Including the girl who helped in my romance, let’s call her A for a while.
The first year of this relationship passes. I’m 21 y.o. Comes a point when one should use his brain, but i do so NOT. GF starts to show signs of jealousy. She begins to become a control freak, insisting i spend less time communicating with other people, even her own friends. Towards A (who at that time became a dear but not close friend to me) she becomes hateful. How hateful? Here are 2 real examples:
1. During sex, GF suddenly stops the process and asks in what position i would like to have sex with A. She doesn’t take no for an answear and insists i give her a response. Eventually this was all turned into a joke.
2. GF called me one day and told a story about how A and her BF got in an argument. And how A got drunk that day and slept with a random guy she met in a bar. The conclusion of this story was the question: “what a slut, isn’t she?”...
Ignoring all the warning signs, this relationship continued. Was I too stupid to see those signs? Was I too much in love? I do not know. All i do know, that i agreed to spend less time (in real life and on the social pages) with other people, including A. Now i was giving all my attention to my GF. Even planned to marry her. After some time GF began to come home late (“too much work”), started demanding that i earn more money, buy more stuff and etc. Have no proof, but I am sure she had someone on the side. After one more year we broke up.
22 y.o.
Losing all preavious contacts with people and feeling myself a pathetic idiot. All i had was my job. So i worked during days and started drinking during evenings. Not heavy drinking but on a daily basis. Mostly at home alone, but sometimes went out to bars. Didn’t meet nobody there, just sat and drank. And eat. Feeling misirable. Got myself to 120 kilograms of fat in no time on alcohol and food.
Now age 23. It happened during one of my fat-guy-going-out-to-bar evenings. While going outside the bar to smoke, a girl approached calling my name. Hell knows how she recognized me, but it was another girl (“E”) from the language courses. Turned out she and some her friends were at the same place and invited me to join them. I did. Skiping the small talk. In E’s company there was a girl who caught my attention. So being drunk and brave, i made a move. The girl didn’t mind. Even encouraged me at some points. Though E tried to tell me that i should stop, because her friend was interested in drinks on my expense, not in me... Too drunk to listen. Party mode ON.
Exchanged phone numbers with the girl and E. The girls phone number was none existant. LOL. E’s phone number was OK. She once again told that all her friend wanted was me spending money on her and i should have listened in the first place. Now being not so drunk, I finally got it. Made me even more misirable then a was. But on the bright side, i’ve gathered so much rage by that time that i made a decision.
Age 23 to 26
Can anger be a good thing? In my experience, yes it can.
Gathering myself together. Being fueled with hate and anger, now insted of drinking my free time away, i went to the gym. The first day was soooo fcking funny. I entered to the gyms reception, saw slim people, saw a few huge bodybuilders. Turned around and went home. Holy fck, how i would like to see the receptionst’s face at that moment. Took me about a week to actualy start hitting the gym. It was hard. Had strange feelings. Went from the highest of 121,6 kilograms to the lowest of 68 kg. The slightest wind could blow me away. Eventually stabolized my weight 79-81 kg. At least i managed to stabolize something in my life. Lol
Finishing up my story.
At the moment i’m 27 years old. Still lonely, but full of hate and rage. Partly because i’ve hoped that by this age i would have a family of my own, but i even don’t have a girl friend. Besides, those events i’ve told, there were pleanty attempts of me finding a GF, but all failed. I am angry, sad and full of rage. This fact ended up in me quiting my job few days ago. Got sick of no life ouside work.
Have no idea what’s gonna happen next in my life, no clue what to do next even. Wrote this post in hope to lessen the negative feelings i have.
I still keep in touch with E, though we are not friends (in my understanding of the word), just “happy new year, happy b-day”. And i’ve never seen A since those times.
Sorry and thanks to all for your time. Take care.
Probably should start somewhere, but have no idea from what point... so i’ll do
it from the beginning.
Been lonely most of my life. Even when a was a kid, I still never could fit-in perfectly. I had a some sort of social life for about untill a came of age 15. But when you are a youngster “social life” is... how to say it... not exactly has the same meaning as in an adulthood. Don’t understand why or how “15” became that point. So the time went on. I communicated with family members. I went to school, but after that lonely hours turned into lonely days going in to lonely weeks, months, years. At some point i had been thinking to even end this life. But having an optimistic mind set always stopped me from actually doing something to myself. You know, an inner dialog broke out every time I tried to do something, like:
- fck everything - *gonna swallow a hand full of pill*
Inner voice:
- don’t do it! You’re not happy, but remain calm! Time will come! Have faith!
So i kept calm. Eventually, I turned 20 years old. Went to language courses (since i live in a country not the language of whitch is not my native). And what do you think? I met a bunch of people there, with whom I had began to socialize a little. 2 decades of loneliness were comming to an end... yeah, so i thought. One day a girl joined our group. The moment i saw her some freaking Cupid shot an arrow at me or a lust demon bit my ass. Don’t know. Don’t care. All i was thinking at that time: you will be mine. So i started hitting on her. For the first 3-4 months she gave me a hardcore friendzone treatment. But i pressed on. Calling her, inviting to movies, caffes and etc. One day got in a fight with another guy who was interested in her. Blah blah blah. She gives in, we become a couple. (Interesting fact: i thought i won her attention by being so persistant and not backing down, but years later it turned out i had help from another girl from our group who was constantly screwing her ears with “give him a chance, come on” and so on. Never asked her to do so, by the way).
Back to the story line. We begin to live together. Everything is normal. The courses are finished. She works, i work (since i got a language degree, i was in the process of quiting my job for a better-paid one). Anyway, my lonely days are seemed to have jumped their own as* and died. I socialize with my GF friends and some people from our language group. Including the girl who helped in my romance, let’s call her A for a while.
The first year of this relationship passes. I’m 21 y.o. Comes a point when one should use his brain, but i do so NOT. GF starts to show signs of jealousy. She begins to become a control freak, insisting i spend less time communicating with other people, even her own friends. Towards A (who at that time became a dear but not close friend to me) she becomes hateful. How hateful? Here are 2 real examples:
1. During sex, GF suddenly stops the process and asks in what position i would like to have sex with A. She doesn’t take no for an answear and insists i give her a response. Eventually this was all turned into a joke.
2. GF called me one day and told a story about how A and her BF got in an argument. And how A got drunk that day and slept with a random guy she met in a bar. The conclusion of this story was the question: “what a slut, isn’t she?”...
Ignoring all the warning signs, this relationship continued. Was I too stupid to see those signs? Was I too much in love? I do not know. All i do know, that i agreed to spend less time (in real life and on the social pages) with other people, including A. Now i was giving all my attention to my GF. Even planned to marry her. After some time GF began to come home late (“too much work”), started demanding that i earn more money, buy more stuff and etc. Have no proof, but I am sure she had someone on the side. After one more year we broke up.
22 y.o.
Losing all preavious contacts with people and feeling myself a pathetic idiot. All i had was my job. So i worked during days and started drinking during evenings. Not heavy drinking but on a daily basis. Mostly at home alone, but sometimes went out to bars. Didn’t meet nobody there, just sat and drank. And eat. Feeling misirable. Got myself to 120 kilograms of fat in no time on alcohol and food.
Now age 23. It happened during one of my fat-guy-going-out-to-bar evenings. While going outside the bar to smoke, a girl approached calling my name. Hell knows how she recognized me, but it was another girl (“E”) from the language courses. Turned out she and some her friends were at the same place and invited me to join them. I did. Skiping the small talk. In E’s company there was a girl who caught my attention. So being drunk and brave, i made a move. The girl didn’t mind. Even encouraged me at some points. Though E tried to tell me that i should stop, because her friend was interested in drinks on my expense, not in me... Too drunk to listen. Party mode ON.
Exchanged phone numbers with the girl and E. The girls phone number was none existant. LOL. E’s phone number was OK. She once again told that all her friend wanted was me spending money on her and i should have listened in the first place. Now being not so drunk, I finally got it. Made me even more misirable then a was. But on the bright side, i’ve gathered so much rage by that time that i made a decision.
Age 23 to 26
Can anger be a good thing? In my experience, yes it can.
Gathering myself together. Being fueled with hate and anger, now insted of drinking my free time away, i went to the gym. The first day was soooo fcking funny. I entered to the gyms reception, saw slim people, saw a few huge bodybuilders. Turned around and went home. Holy fck, how i would like to see the receptionst’s face at that moment. Took me about a week to actualy start hitting the gym. It was hard. Had strange feelings. Went from the highest of 121,6 kilograms to the lowest of 68 kg. The slightest wind could blow me away. Eventually stabolized my weight 79-81 kg. At least i managed to stabolize something in my life. Lol
Finishing up my story.
At the moment i’m 27 years old. Still lonely, but full of hate and rage. Partly because i’ve hoped that by this age i would have a family of my own, but i even don’t have a girl friend. Besides, those events i’ve told, there were pleanty attempts of me finding a GF, but all failed. I am angry, sad and full of rage. This fact ended up in me quiting my job few days ago. Got sick of no life ouside work.
Have no idea what’s gonna happen next in my life, no clue what to do next even. Wrote this post in hope to lessen the negative feelings i have.
I still keep in touch with E, though we are not friends (in my understanding of the word), just “happy new year, happy b-day”. And i’ve never seen A since those times.
Sorry and thanks to all for your time. Take care.
