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Juni

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I'm out of energy to do the things I enjoy. I already know it's just my depression, it's been diagnosed and all that. I wish it would stop because I know it's 'just my depression' but it doesn't. I feel sick to my stomach constantly because of post traumatic stress, I can't sleep, I can't eat - I can't even do what I love. I'm out of motivation, inspiration, the will to even clean things up - I'm just... out. 
I can barely even talk to anyone anymore. I have one real friend. Everyone else has just... left me behind. Nobody even notices I'm like this. I'm dreading going back to school because I know I'll just be neglected for another year. Last year I sat in the corner and cried for the entire end of the year and nobody once asked me if I was okay. My one friend has similar issues to me and she got help, but I was always stuck in the shadows. She even shoved me in front of the counselor one day while I was depressed and told him to help me. He said, with what? I couldn't even explain. 
It's that point of depression where you can't even explain what's wrong with yourself. Nobody knows what to do with you, and it hurts. How am I supposed to function like this? How can people still expect things from me? Why...?


Sometimes I wonder if I'm even fit to live in this world. Maybe I'm just weaker. Maybe natural selection is trying to put me and my awful genes out. 
I also wonder why my mom and dad thought it was a good idea to have me. Their crumbling relationship, their many health problems - their MENTAL problems - why would they want to pass that on to a child? 
Should I be grateful for my life? Should I be grateful that I was born "pretty" just to be sexually abused by both  pedophiles and boys my age? Should I be grateful for my depression because it 'helps me be a better artist'? Should I be grateful for the undiagnosed mental disorders because I 'see the world differently'?
Should I be ******* grateful for being suicidal because maybe I'll actually get out of this hell early?

I'm sorry if I seem selfish and spoiled. I'm also sorry for wasting your time with this post. 

I just don't know what to do anymore.
 
Juni, i have nothing helpful to say but i do sympathize with what you are feeling. I have felt pretty much the same all to often. You are not wasting anyone's time with your post.
 
You aren't weaker, you're just....stuck.

One thing I will say, that you will likely hate, is that it IS "just the depression" talking. You aren't worthless, you aren't a burden. As for the friends that are no longer around, I know exactly how that feels. While it may not feel good, you don't want that type of person in your life if they are going to abandon you when you are done. I know that doesn't mean much right now, but I think you likely know that's true.
I don't think it's about what people expect from you, I think it's more about what you expect from yourself and given how you feel, you don't expect anything good.

Instead of focusing on the negative, try to focus on what you do have. Make a gratitude list. Focus on the people that do care about you. Force yourself to do the things you don't want to do. Clean and go out. Start small so you don't overwhelm yourself. You can and will get through this.
 
TheRealCallie said:
You aren't weaker, you're just....stuck.  

One thing I will say, that you will likely hate, is that it IS "just the depression" talking.

Pretty much sums it up. I don't know if you believe this, but you are not defined by your depression. It's like a hat that's glued to your head, since that hat is not actually a part of your head. Also like a hat, you can  also take take it off. It'll just be kind of tough.

Thing is, you seem to already know this is a problem. That's the first step done already! Next steps are on you since you know you, but no need to go too fast. Small steps are always the best.

Let's say... how about exercise? If the weather's not like here (raining so hard that the cats are losing their minds), maybe go outside for a walk? Nothing long if you don't want to, maybe 10 minutes? Leave your worries at the door, you can pick them up later if you want to. Maybe count the cars you pass as you go, or figure out how long you can hold your breath for. Something to bring your mind to the present.

Sorry, I'm not the greatest at explaining advice. :D  I guess if there's one takeaway from this post, just remember that you can overcome that depression, and that depression is not who you are. I'll be cheering for you in the background.
 
Mr Seal The Albatros said:
TheRealCallie said:
You aren't weaker, you're just....stuck.  

One thing I will say, that you will likely hate, is that it IS "just the depression" talking.

Pretty much sums it up. I don't know if you believe this, but you are not defined by your depression. It's like a hat that's glued to your head, since that hat is not actually a part of your head. Also like a hat, you can  also take take it off. It'll just be kind of tough.

Thing is, you seem to already know this is a problem. That's the first step done already! Next steps are on you since you know you, but no need to go too fast. Small steps are always the best.

Let's say... how about exercise? If the weather's not like here (raining so hard that the cats are losing their minds), maybe go outside for a walk? Nothing long if you don't want to, maybe 10 minutes? Leave your worries at the door, you can pick them up later if you want to. Maybe count the cars you pass as you go, or figure out how long you can hold your breath for. Something to bring your mind to the present.

Sorry, I'm not the greatest at explaining advice. :D  I guess if there's one takeaway from this post, just remember that you can overcome that depression, and that depression is not who you are. I'll be cheering for you in the background.

Thank you. I don't actually hate what you said Callie, I agree with you. I just wish knowing that would make it okay, basically.

And Seal -- I'm thankful for the advice. I can't take walks due to the nature of my neighborhood but I can definitely try exercising and stretching at home. It's just a tad difficult to leave the house unless I'm leaving the neighborhood as well. Actually... I would have to go kind of far. People throw water bottles at me and it's not exactly pleasant.

I'm going to at least try and think more positive though.
 
I've been there. For years.

What worked for me was setting small goals. Then accomplishing them. Then slowly setting more difficult goals and accomplishing those. It feels good. Over time I started setting many goals in all different aspects of my life and worked towards them. In the end the depression just kind of disappeared on its own. There are still down periods but they are nothing like the years of depression I dealt with in the past.

Part of the reason I like Jordan Peterson's "clean your room" type of advice is because his methods are pretty much exactly the same methods I ended up figuring out and applying on my own. 

Start small. Good luck.
 
Y'know, you certainly are very polite for someone who calls themselves 'selfish and spoiled.'  :p

You brought up a good point actually. Hadn't even thought about the neighborhood. I know I wouldn't want water bottles thrown at me either.
Ever tried yoga? I've actually been using it when I've felt stressed out, and its been a godsend lately. You can do that indoors, if you can make the floor space.
 
kamya said:
I've been there. For years.

What worked for me was setting small goals. Then accomplishing them. Then slowly setting more difficult goals and accomplishing those. It feels good. Over time I started setting many goals in all different aspects of my life and worked towards them. In the end the depression just kind of disappeared on its own. There are still down periods but they are nothing like the years of depression I dealt with in the past.

Part of the reason I like Jordan Peterson's "clean your room" type of advice is because his methods are pretty much exactly the same methods I ended up figuring out and applying on my own. 

Start small. Good luck.

Mr Seal The Albatros said:
Y'know, you certainly are very polite for someone who calls themselves 'selfish and spoiled.'  :p

You brought up a good point actually. Hadn't even thought about the neighborhood. I know I wouldn't want water bottles thrown at me either.
Ever tried yoga? I've actually been using it when I've felt stressed out, and its been a godsend lately. You can do that indoors, if you can make the floor space.

Thank you Kamya! I will certainly try my best.

I've heard Yoga helps a lot but I've never known exactly where to start with it. Do you have any videos or poses you can recommend I try?
 
GAH! I can’t believe I left you hanging like that. Sorry!

Hmm... the sun salutation is a good one. Good place to start anyway, since it kind of stretches everything.
This should cover the steps. It’s pretty easy when you get the hang of it!

 
Hey Juni, I understand what you’re going through. And if you ever need to talk don’t feel afraid to reach out, I’ll be here. One thing you need to realize is that it will get better. And the hardest thing is to see that. You need people who understand and are willing to help. A healthy support network is key. But most of all find something to smile about. Even just the little things. What helped me was making a journal and finding one thing to smile about each hour and writing it down. It’s nice to have those positive memories on paper.
 
Mr Seal The Albatros said:
GAH! I can’t believe I left you hanging like that. Sorry!

Hmm... the sun salutation is a good one. Good place to start anyway, since it kind of stretches everything.
This should cover the steps. It’s pretty easy when you get the hang of it!



toasty_one said:
Hey Juni, I understand what you’re going through. And if you ever need to talk don’t feel afraid to reach out, I’ll be here. One thing you need to realize is that it will get better. And the hardest thing is to see that. You need people who understand and are willing to help. A healthy support network is key. But most of all find something to smile about. Even just the little things. What helped me was making a journal and finding one thing to smile about each hour and writing it down. It’s nice to have those positive memories on paper.

Thank you both. I'm going to try what you suggested.
 

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