Juni
Active member
I'm out of energy to do the things I enjoy. I already know it's just my depression, it's been diagnosed and all that. I wish it would stop because I know it's 'just my depression' but it doesn't. I feel sick to my stomach constantly because of post traumatic stress, I can't sleep, I can't eat - I can't even do what I love. I'm out of motivation, inspiration, the will to even clean things up - I'm just... out.
I can barely even talk to anyone anymore. I have one real friend. Everyone else has just... left me behind. Nobody even notices I'm like this. I'm dreading going back to school because I know I'll just be neglected for another year. Last year I sat in the corner and cried for the entire end of the year and nobody once asked me if I was okay. My one friend has similar issues to me and she got help, but I was always stuck in the shadows. She even shoved me in front of the counselor one day while I was depressed and told him to help me. He said, with what? I couldn't even explain.
It's that point of depression where you can't even explain what's wrong with yourself. Nobody knows what to do with you, and it hurts. How am I supposed to function like this? How can people still expect things from me? Why...?
Sometimes I wonder if I'm even fit to live in this world. Maybe I'm just weaker. Maybe natural selection is trying to put me and my awful genes out.
I also wonder why my mom and dad thought it was a good idea to have me. Their crumbling relationship, their many health problems - their MENTAL problems - why would they want to pass that on to a child?
Should I be grateful for my life? Should I be grateful that I was born "pretty" just to be sexually abused by both pedophiles and boys my age? Should I be grateful for my depression because it 'helps me be a better artist'? Should I be grateful for the undiagnosed mental disorders because I 'see the world differently'?
Should I be ******* grateful for being suicidal because maybe I'll actually get out of this hell early?
I'm sorry if I seem selfish and spoiled. I'm also sorry for wasting your time with this post.
I just don't know what to do anymore.
I can barely even talk to anyone anymore. I have one real friend. Everyone else has just... left me behind. Nobody even notices I'm like this. I'm dreading going back to school because I know I'll just be neglected for another year. Last year I sat in the corner and cried for the entire end of the year and nobody once asked me if I was okay. My one friend has similar issues to me and she got help, but I was always stuck in the shadows. She even shoved me in front of the counselor one day while I was depressed and told him to help me. He said, with what? I couldn't even explain.
It's that point of depression where you can't even explain what's wrong with yourself. Nobody knows what to do with you, and it hurts. How am I supposed to function like this? How can people still expect things from me? Why...?
Sometimes I wonder if I'm even fit to live in this world. Maybe I'm just weaker. Maybe natural selection is trying to put me and my awful genes out.
I also wonder why my mom and dad thought it was a good idea to have me. Their crumbling relationship, their many health problems - their MENTAL problems - why would they want to pass that on to a child?
Should I be grateful for my life? Should I be grateful that I was born "pretty" just to be sexually abused by both pedophiles and boys my age? Should I be grateful for my depression because it 'helps me be a better artist'? Should I be grateful for the undiagnosed mental disorders because I 'see the world differently'?
Should I be ******* grateful for being suicidal because maybe I'll actually get out of this hell early?
I'm sorry if I seem selfish and spoiled. I'm also sorry for wasting your time with this post.
I just don't know what to do anymore.