This is my first post. I'm no longer young, still single and friends have either moved away - or died; when you get to a certain age, that happens! I have one living relative - my brother whose own disordered life is such that he seeks my reassurance! I was brought up to believe a man sorts his own problems (God knows I've tried) and admitting to loneliness and depression is still not easy but that is what I am - alone and with no-one with whom to release the pressures and anguish of the daily struggle. For a long time I tried to distract my self with work, studying and interests but now I'm ageing and not in the best of health and it just gets harder!
Alone in my head? Where did it all start? Watching my father die in front of me as a child, mother being very ill with grief, losing our home, being dislocated to the other side of the country to live with relatives and going to a school where the brutality would have made Dickens think one was exaggerating. Unrelieved PTSD I guess as sympathy and understanding there was absolutely none! So I went "into my head" if you like to protect myself; a world of imagination and mental interests - studying, art, reading, making things etc - all solo.
I guess I never really learned the social skills you need to be "normal" - Oh I tried and did my fair share of excess but always it seemed that I stood apart, behind a pane of glass and not able to actually partake. Oh I tried, and I faked it but ended up with some sort of breakdown and hooked on the latest wonder drug diazepam, that they assured me then was not addictive.
Afterwards - and now? Well I go on, trying to be interested in life and find interesting things to do; keeping mostly to myself save for acquaintances I've made in my hobbies. Oh but it gets harder and I'm beginning to dread the future.
Alone in my head? Where did it all start? Watching my father die in front of me as a child, mother being very ill with grief, losing our home, being dislocated to the other side of the country to live with relatives and going to a school where the brutality would have made Dickens think one was exaggerating. Unrelieved PTSD I guess as sympathy and understanding there was absolutely none! So I went "into my head" if you like to protect myself; a world of imagination and mental interests - studying, art, reading, making things etc - all solo.
I guess I never really learned the social skills you need to be "normal" - Oh I tried and did my fair share of excess but always it seemed that I stood apart, behind a pane of glass and not able to actually partake. Oh I tried, and I faked it but ended up with some sort of breakdown and hooked on the latest wonder drug diazepam, that they assured me then was not addictive.
Afterwards - and now? Well I go on, trying to be interested in life and find interesting things to do; keeping mostly to myself save for acquaintances I've made in my hobbies. Oh but it gets harder and I'm beginning to dread the future.