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Nobody really knows how to help me
#1
I'm sorry if that title sounds edgy and all but I've been trying for at least five years to get help. I'm only know being acknowledged by professionals at 17. I knew I had depression but now it's depression, anxiety, early signs of Psychosis (which can develop into fuckin anything but they're predicting schizophrenia) and more. Fun.

My school has given up on me, my closest friend has no idea how to help me, and all my other friends have left me behind. If I didn't have my best friend, I'd have spent all summer alone. My therapist recommended me to get a very specific type of therapy called DBT. Dialectal Behavioral Therapy. They're apparently different in the way they work with people. The issue is that you have to be specifically trained in it. It's really obscure.

See, DBT is supposed to help people with my specific problem: my brain is so stressed that I can't express any of my emotions properly anymore. It just shuts down and I go through episodes of feeling literally void. It's like being half alive, half dead.

There's only one place in my entire state that does it. I'm on their waiting list, but it's going to take a long time, and I'm getting worse. It's to the point where I have breakdowns because I can't even explain the smallest things. Everything is just bouncing around inside me. Hell, I can't even explain how I want my hair done. I just blank out and then that frustrates me so I get angrier and more upset until I just... blank emotionally. That's the only way I can really describe it. You just lose everything. Like you keep dying. If anyone's played Dragon Age (I'm a nerd, I know) it's like being half-tranquil. You KNOW you're supposed to feel something. You KNOW what you're looking at would typically invoke happiness or sadness but instead you just feel nothing. It creates a strange frustration that just bubbles inside you - you can't release it even if you want to. I guess feeling nothing could be a depression thing - but in this case it's my brain's automatic coping mechanism to any hardship at all. It hurts a lot. I feel like I'm suffocating literally.

I just wish at least one person knew how to help me and would actually try. All my therapists just got fed up with me. My current therapist is the one who recommended DBT. I can tell even she's frustrated with me, and just kind of wants to shove me at someone who she thinks can tolerate me better.

I feel like I'm just wasting everyone's time since clearly nobody can help me... Not my friend, not my shitty family, not my therapists.

If you read this, thanks. I don't know where else to turn so I guess I'm reaching out to the internet now. Hell, I even put this on reddit's r/depression. I'm that desperate. Some people might call that pathetic... but hey, I am.
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#2
How much of your "world" do you have control over? You mention not being able to explain how you want your hair done, my question is; have you thought about such things before the need arises?, do you care how it's done?, how it makes you look? or would you just as easily say "make something off it" and give up that control over it?

Some people thrive on strict control, others need to learn to let go and be out of control, I wished I could help you, I can not... but I can share a little of my own experiences after having spend almost 10 years in home going out as little as possible. One thing that kept me from moving forward was control, I had a very limited number of things I was in control of, I needed that control to keep me sane, but after a while that control became obsession and I realized I wasn't in control of those things, they needed to be the same all the time, you could say they needed to be fixed.

Letting go of those things I was in control of was what finally gave me a feeling of liberation, and anxiety began to ease with it.
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#3
(08-10-2018, 03:33 AM)MisterLonely Wrote: How much of your "world" do you have control over? You mention not being able to explain how you want your hair done, my question is; have you thought about such things before the need arises?, do you care how it's done?, how it makes you look? or would you just as easily say "make something off it" and give up that control over it?

Some people thrive on strict control, others need to learn to let go and be out of control, I wished I could help you, I can not... but I can share a little of my own experiences after having spend almost 10 years in home going out as little as possible. One thing that kept me from moving forward was control, I had a very limited number of things I was in control of, I needed that control to keep me sane, but after a while that control became obsession and I realized I wasn't in control of those things, they needed to be the same all the time, you could say they needed to be fixed.

Letting go of those things I was in control of was what finally gave me a feeling of liberation, and anxiety began to ease with it.
No, it's different. I have something specific in mind, but my brain loses the ability to convey language.
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#4
You'll be ok. Just don't use your issues as a crutch and you'll be fine eventually.
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#5
(08-10-2018, 03:47 AM)Juni Wrote:
(08-10-2018, 03:33 AM)MisterLonely Wrote: How much of your "world" do you have control over? You mention not being able to explain how you want your hair done, my question is; have you thought about such things before the need arises?, do you care how it's done?, how it makes you look? or would you just as easily say "make something off it" and give up that control over it?

Some people thrive on strict control, others need to learn to let go and be out of control, I wished I could help you, I can not... but I can share a little of my own experiences after having spend almost 10 years in home going out as little as possible. One thing that kept me from moving forward was control, I had a very limited number of things I was in control of, I needed that control to keep me sane, but after a while that control became obsession and I realized I wasn't in control of those things, they needed to be the same all the time, you could say they needed to be fixed.

Letting go of those things I was in control of was what finally gave me a feeling of liberation, and anxiety began to ease with it.
No, it's different. I have something specific in mind, but my brain loses the ability to convey language.

"Something specific in mind"....is that about your hair?  If it is, I wouldn't worry too much about that.  I think a lot of people have that issue and unless you do that for a living, it's not very surprising that you can't convey what you want.  Try looking online and try to find something close to what you want and that will help you out.  It's what I did the last time I got my hair cut. 

As for everything else.  You say no one can help you.  Of course they can't.  All they can do is give you advice.  It's really on you to do the hard work that needs to be done to be able to change.  Other people can only get you so far. 
Now, granted, if there is something other than depression or anxiety there, that may be more difficult, but it's still most likely doable. 

What do you want to accomplish?  This week, this year, this lifetime...it doesn't really matter what the time frame is, as long as you have something you can work towards.  I'd recommend starting with small goals.  Like, for example, saying hi to random people when you are out.  Or if you don't go out much, venture out for a walk or something. 
Stop focusing on what you feel you can't do and start focusing on what you know you can.  So what CAN you do?  What do you WANT to do?  Write a list and then figure out how you can go about getting on the path to accomplishing those things.
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#6
(08-10-2018, 04:39 AM)TheRealCallie Wrote:
(08-10-2018, 03:47 AM)Juni Wrote:
(08-10-2018, 03:33 AM)MisterLonely Wrote: How much of your "world" do you have control over? You mention not being able to explain how you want your hair done, my question is; have you thought about such things before the need arises?, do you care how it's done?, how it makes you look? or would you just as easily say "make something off it" and give up that control over it?

Some people thrive on strict control, others need to learn to let go and be out of control, I wished I could help you, I can not... but I can share a little of my own experiences after having spend almost 10 years in home going out as little as possible. One thing that kept me from moving forward was control, I had a very limited number of things I was in control of, I needed that control to keep me sane, but after a while that control became obsession and I realized I wasn't in control of those things, they needed to be the same all the time, you could say they needed to be fixed.

Letting go of those things I was in control of was what finally gave me a feeling of liberation, and anxiety began to ease with it.
No, it's different. I have something specific in mind, but my brain loses the ability to convey language.

"Something specific in mind"....is that about your hair?  If it is, I wouldn't worry too much about that.  I think a lot of people have that issue and unless you do that for a living, it's not very surprising that you can't convey what you want.  Try looking online and try to find something close to what you want and that will help you out.  It's what I did the last time I got my hair cut. 

As for everything else.  You say no one can help you.  Of course they can't.  All they can do is give you advice.  It's really on you to do the hard work that needs to be done to be able to change.  Other people can only get you so far. 
Now, granted, if there is something other than depression or anxiety there, that may be more difficult, but it's still most likely doable. 

What do you want to accomplish?  This week, this year, this lifetime...it doesn't really matter what the time frame is, as long as you have something you can work towards.  I'd recommend starting with small goals.  Like, for example, saying hi to random people when you are out.  Or if you don't go out much, venture out for a walk or something. 
Stop focusing on what you feel you can't do and start focusing on what you know you can.  So what CAN you do?  What do you WANT to do?  Write a list and then figure out how you can go about getting on the path to accomplishing those things.
It's not really just about my hair, that's just an example. I get it over nearly everything. I'm going to start thinking about it. Usually I'm not too good at that, lol, but... Trying.
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#7
I am sorry you are struggling. That must be really hard to want to have emotion but your brain shuts down. It sounds like that is how your brain wants to cope when things get overwhelmed. You mentioned that you are on a waiting list for DBT. Have you researched how it works? Have you already tried CBT? Has your therapists looked into medication for you? Often our brains can get chemically imbalanced and the right medication can help towards feeling better. The tricky part is finding the medication and therapy that works for you. It is hard to feel better when your brain can be chemically imbalanced. For me I need the medication to get my brain balanced, then I can deal with what triggers lead to my depression and anxiety. I am sorry you feel that your therapists and friends are not supporting you. You might need to consider looking for another therapist. How long have you been with this one? Also, it takes work to feel better, we need to train ourselves to avoid the negative thoughts and try to replace them with positive ones. Here is a good article about that - https://bit.ly/2MdGi0p. I will be praying for you. Please know you are not alone, there are people who care. Keep in touch and let us know how you are doing.
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#8
Have you attempted to write down the thoughts that go into all these small things and decisions? Perhaps there is a chance to create a bit more order on a piece of paper than trying to work it all out in your head. I know this is cumbersome, but hell...then you could even erase parts and come back to your notes in the necessary situations. For starters it could just be single words like in a mind map. It's just an abstract idea I had...
Sometimes I wake up in the morning and I go...
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#9
Hi Juni, nobody knows how to help me either!!!  I was told I had psychosis too.   I'm also depressed.  I met with a therapist weekly for a few months, and pretty much all I did was complain about random things that bothered me.  Not surprisingly, talking about how bad I felt didn't make me feel better.  She referred me to another therapist, who was too far away for me to see on a regular basis.  I went to the mental health hospital twice; it was nice of them to try, but it was pretty clear that they couldn't help me beyond preventing me from hurting myself or others.

DBT is a good treatment, I was given a brief introduction to it; however, it takes a lot of practice to learn to express emotions effectively.  Maybe there are Youtube videos that teach DBT - definitely worth searching for.

The way I experience emotions is similar to what you described.  A lot of things don't cause any emotional response in me, so I am emotionally numb sometimes.  But when something does cause me to feel an emotion, I feel all possible emotions at once. For example, I can't laugh at an internet joke without crying, and no, it isn't because the joke is that funny.  Another example, whenever I miss my ex, I feel happy. How does that make sense? Aren't you sad when you miss someone?  I am so confused by this.

After wasting one year of my life trying to get help, I have accepted the fact that no one is going to help me.  I struggle every day to stay focused on whatever activities I'm doing and avoid a mental breakdown.  I play "relaxing music", even though I don't think I have ever felt relaxed in my life, just lethargic, thoughtful, or curious.

Maybe we can help each other, because we are similar.  Send me a PM and let's communicate more.
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