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Introducing... My Lonely Self
#1
Hi there, I am almost 21 years old and female. I live in New York City.  As an only child who loved to read above all other hobbies, I stayed home and played by myself a lot and it wasn't until middle school that I became conscious of a certain stillness and emptiness surrounding me. "Is this what loneliness feels like?" I thought. 

The entire time since then, I have been trying to fill up that emptiness.  It was pretty easy in high school, because there was a lot of homework to do and fun extracurricular activities to be part of.  It got so much harder in college! [crying face]  I felt so much social anxiety; I wasn’t motivated to work hard and learn a lot the way I was in high school, and there were clubs and parties but nothing that I truly enjoyed.  I became so depressed that I took medical leave from college.  I spent an entire year trying and failing to make myself feel better.  When I returned to college, I tried harder than ever to socialize and meet new people.  I even started a romantic relationship, which ended after only three months.

I’m still in love with my ex, and ever since our breakup I have been bipolar.  60% of the time I am euphoric, because I’m still in love.  20% of the time I am in despair, because I am going to be lonely for the foreseeable future.  20% of the time I am furious at myself, because I found a person who could have solved my loneliness problem for the rest of my life, and I was incompetent enough to destroy our relationship.  Whenever I reflect on my failure to keep this perfectly compatible person interested in me, it’s hard not to literally beat myself up.

Here I am, lonely as ever, just with my emotions a little more out of whack.  Every day, I strive to help others in small ways and not think about my lost love or my loneliness problem.  I’ll try to post some interesting things in this forum; hope you guys enjoy.
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#2
Hey Guzheng, welcome to the forum.

Hope this forum will give you some positivity and some nice interactions that will help you feel less lonely.

Why the username Guzheng though? Do you play it?
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#3
Hi Guzheng ...good luck on the forum. Lots of great people here I'm sure will help soon..
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#4
Hi! Guzheng! Welcome to the forum! I hope you find positivity and helpful things on your journey throughout the site and life itself! If you ever need someone to talk to dont feel afraid to pm!
Great men are forged in fire. It is the privilege of lesser men to light the flame.
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#5
Welcome to the forums!! I've only just joined here as well, but the people I've talked to have seemed so nice so far! Hope you enjoy it here!
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#6
Thanks for your replies everybody.  I don't play the guzheng, but it symbolizes my personality.  Like a piano, the guzheng stands on its own while it is being played.  I don't want to be too dependent on others for support, even though I'm open to working with others on class projects or in planning school events.  The guzheng and piano meet the musician halfway, while other instruments need to be picked up and held like little babies before they produce any sound at all.  So the guzheng symbolizes me being a mature person (even though, like every person in the world, I revert to a whining baby sometimes).

Unlike a piano, where the mechanism producing the sound is hidden from view, the guzheng strings are visible to all.  It's tempting to hide what you're capable of from others.  Maybe they won't appreciate it, or maybe you're just not sure how to communicate with new people to start the relationship off on the right foot.  But keeping your personality hidden in a black box isn't good for you or others in the long run.  It's important to share your thoughts, strengths and weaknesses and let people get to know you.  This is something I am working on!

Finally, the guzheng is very rarely played in the US.  Only 2% of people share my personality type, INFJ, so I'm a rare instrument like the guzheng.  There are plenty of people who don't even know the guzheng exists.  However, popularity doesn't correlate with quality - the guzheng has just as much to contribute to the world of music as common instruments like pianos and guitars, and it reminds me to be myself even when I'm tempted to just copy others' behavior in order to fit in.
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#7
(08-12-2018, 01:12 PM)Guzheng Wrote: Hi there, I am almost 21 years old and female. I live in New York City.  As an only child who loved to read above all other hobbies, I stayed home and played by myself a lot and it wasn't until middle school that I became conscious of a certain stillness and emptiness surrounding me. "Is this what loneliness feels like?" I thought. 

The entire time since then, I have been trying to fill up that emptiness.  It was pretty easy in high school, because there was a lot of homework to do and fun extracurricular activities to be part of.  It got so much harder in college! [crying face]  I felt so much social anxiety; I wasn’t motivated to work hard and learn a lot the way I was in high school, and there were clubs and parties but nothing that I truly enjoyed.  I became so depressed that I took medical leave from college.  I spent an entire year trying and failing to make myself feel better.  When I returned to college, I tried harder than ever to socialize and meet new people.  I even started a romantic relationship, which ended after only three months.

I’m still in love with my ex, and ever since our breakup I have been bipolar.  60% of the time I am euphoric, because I’m still in love.  20% of the time I am in despair, because I am going to be lonely for the foreseeable future.  20% of the time I am furious at myself, because I found a person who could have solved my loneliness problem for the rest of my life, and I was incompetent enough to destroy our relationship.  Whenever I reflect on my failure to keep this perfectly compatible person interested in me, it’s hard not to literally beat myself up.

Here I am, lonely as ever, just with my emotions a little more out of whack.  Every day, I strive to help others in small ways and not think about my lost love or my loneliness problem.  I’ll try to post some interesting things in this forum; hope you guys enjoy.

Hello and welcome to this forum. I hope you will enjoy your stay here.
[Image: dapulo34998.png]
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#8
Welcome to the forum! I hope you enjoy your time here
_____________________________________________________________
I've been thrown down run around, beaten 'til I hit the ground. Telling you right now that it's over. - Five Finger Death Punch "Lift Me Up"

Don't get discouraged, don't be afraid, we can make it through another day. Make it worth the price we pay - Triumph "Fight the Good Fight"
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#9
(08-14-2018, 05:09 AM)Guzheng Wrote: Thanks for your replies everybody.  I don't play the guzheng, but it symbolizes my personality.  Like a piano, the guzheng stands on its own while it is being played.  I don't want to be too dependent on others for support, even though I'm open to working with others on class projects or in planning school events.  The guzheng and piano meet the musician halfway, while other instruments need to be picked up and held like little babies before they produce any sound at all.  So the guzheng symbolizes me being a mature person (even though, like every person in the world, I revert to a whining baby sometimes).

Unlike a piano, where the mechanism producing the sound is hidden from view, the guzheng strings are visible to all.  It's tempting to hide what you're capable of from others.  Maybe they won't appreciate it, or maybe you're just not sure how to communicate with new people to start the relationship off on the right foot.  But keeping your personality hidden in a black box isn't good for you or others in the long run.  It's important to share your thoughts, strengths and weaknesses and let people get to know you.  This is something I am working on!

Finally, the guzheng is very rarely played in the US.  Only 2% of people share my personality type, INFJ, so I'm a rare instrument like the guzheng.  There are plenty of people who don't even know the guzheng exists.  However, popularity doesn't correlate with quality - the guzheng has just as much to contribute to the world of music as common instruments like pianos and guitars, and it reminds me to be myself even when I'm tempted to just copy others' behavior in order to fit in.

Wow. That is a very meaningful choice you've made for your username. Awesome!
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