Guzheng
Well-known member
Hi there, I am almost 21 years old and female. I live in New York City. As an only child who loved to read above all other hobbies, I stayed home and played by myself a lot and it wasn't until middle school that I became conscious of a certain stillness and emptiness surrounding me. "Is this what loneliness feels like?" I thought.
The entire time since then, I have been trying to fill up that emptiness. It was pretty easy in high school, because there was a lot of homework to do and fun extracurricular activities to be part of. It got so much harder in college! [crying face] I felt so much social anxiety; I wasn’t motivated to work hard and learn a lot the way I was in high school, and there were clubs and parties but nothing that I truly enjoyed. I became so depressed that I took medical leave from college. I spent an entire year trying and failing to make myself feel better. When I returned to college, I tried harder than ever to socialize and meet new people. I even started a romantic relationship, which ended after only three months.
I’m still in love with my ex, and ever since our breakup I have been bipolar. 60% of the time I am euphoric, because I’m still in love. 20% of the time I am in despair, because I am going to be lonely for the foreseeable future. 20% of the time I am furious at myself, because I found a person who could have solved my loneliness problem for the rest of my life, and I was incompetent enough to destroy our relationship. Whenever I reflect on my failure to keep this perfectly compatible person interested in me, it’s hard not to literally beat myself up.
Here I am, lonely as ever, just with my emotions a little more out of whack. Every day, I strive to help others in small ways and not think about my lost love or my loneliness problem. I’ll try to post some interesting things in this forum; hope you guys enjoy.
The entire time since then, I have been trying to fill up that emptiness. It was pretty easy in high school, because there was a lot of homework to do and fun extracurricular activities to be part of. It got so much harder in college! [crying face] I felt so much social anxiety; I wasn’t motivated to work hard and learn a lot the way I was in high school, and there were clubs and parties but nothing that I truly enjoyed. I became so depressed that I took medical leave from college. I spent an entire year trying and failing to make myself feel better. When I returned to college, I tried harder than ever to socialize and meet new people. I even started a romantic relationship, which ended after only three months.
I’m still in love with my ex, and ever since our breakup I have been bipolar. 60% of the time I am euphoric, because I’m still in love. 20% of the time I am in despair, because I am going to be lonely for the foreseeable future. 20% of the time I am furious at myself, because I found a person who could have solved my loneliness problem for the rest of my life, and I was incompetent enough to destroy our relationship. Whenever I reflect on my failure to keep this perfectly compatible person interested in me, it’s hard not to literally beat myself up.
Here I am, lonely as ever, just with my emotions a little more out of whack. Every day, I strive to help others in small ways and not think about my lost love or my loneliness problem. I’ll try to post some interesting things in this forum; hope you guys enjoy.