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Her father is destroying our relationship
#1
Rolleyes 
I've been together with my girlfriend for over 2.5 years now. When things are good, it's great. I've never been so close to someone before and we seem like a great match for each other.

But there's one big problem in the relationship...

There's something seriously wrong with her father.

As soon as I met him I got the sense he didn't like me. Honestly I didn't like him much myself. I thought he was rude, lazy, selfish and had very different values to me.

To give you an idea of the type of person he is....the first time I went out for dinner with my girlfriend and her parents (which was the first time I'd properly spoken to her dad) he told me all about how black people have never contributed anything to the world, how Indians should never be let into the country and how when interviewing candidates for his business, he asks if they're gay and won't hire them if they are.

I couldn't believe how he could be so rude and negative. He didn't have one positive thing to say the whole night.

Yet even though he wasn't my kind of guy, I tried to put these issues aside for my girlfriend's benefit. I'd always politely say hello to him when I went to their house. He'd never say hello to me first. I'd try to make conversation sometimes. But it was almost impossible.

But I could handle him not being very talkative. It wasn't the end of the world. 


Then he started to get even worse. One night, he abused me for not giving him a better quote for his business (I was working in sales at the time) and told me how I couldn't do my job properly.

I let it go. Thought it would be better not to start a big argument. That was just one of several incidents. 

About 11 months ago, things reached boiling point. 

I was at their house again for dinner and he came to the table obviously in a bad mood (even worse than usual). As soon as I opened my mouth he started arguing with me.

Then he went on to start criticising my job (different job, I wasn't working in sales anymore). Saying how it was a dead end job, with no prospects, no money.... When I tried to rationally explain why that's not the case he couldn't handle it and only got angrier.

He began interrogating me about my whole life. I tried to stay as calm as possible, then I eventually told him to just come out and say whatever he wanted to say about me. After he started shouting and swearing at me I decided to get up and leave. As I was walking out he even threatened me with violence.

I had to seriously weigh up our relationship after that. It made me wonder if our relationship could ever work with her father the way he is. But she assured me that we could make it work.

From that point, I avoided her dad as much as possible. It seemed like the best way to handle things. If I never saw him then he couldn't cause too much damage I thought.

But my girlfriend never accepted that I didn't want anything to do with her dad. She hated me not coming over, despite what happened. She'd even make excuses for him and defend what he did. And she still does if I bring it up.

My girlfriend  and I just got back from 10 weeks in Europe. For most of the trip we got along really well. As well as we ever have. When she's away from her parents, we usually get along much better. When she's at home, you can see the influence her dad has on her and that often leads to problems with us.

Then while we were in Europe I discovered that her dad was encouraging one of his workers to go after my girlfriend. This may or may not have been a joke but then he added that anything would be better than me, which was clearly more than a joke. All of this in a Facebook chat for all his workers and my girlfriend to see.

I've even offered to speak with her dad and try to sort this out but by the sound of it he's not very interested.

Now that we're back home and she's living with her parents again it feels like I'm dating a different girl than the one in Europe. Suddenly she's become very negative and difficult to talk to at times.

If she were to move out of home (and then not be so influenced by her father) I feel like things would be much better. But I don't see that happening any time soon.

As much as I'd like the relationship to work, because we do get along really well 90% of the time, I'm really starting to wonder how it can work with her father. I could probably let things go for now and we'd be happy but at some point her dad is going to cause problems.

The fact that she would still make excuses for her father and defend him for the way he behaved really bothers me too. Her father could probably get away with murder and she'd still defend him. He's even done some horrible things to her before but that doesn't seem to make any difference. 

Any thoughts, advice, suggestions would be appreciated. I really don't know how to handle this one.
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#2
Why don't you and girlfriend share a place, away from parents?
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#3
(08-27-2018, 09:05 AM)Tranquil Wrote: Why don't you and girlfriend share a place, away from parents?

I've certainly suggested that several times. But every time it comes up, her parents talk her out of it.
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#4
(08-27-2018, 11:51 AM)Biliken Wrote:
(08-27-2018, 09:05 AM)Tranquil Wrote: Why don't you and girlfriend share a place, away from parents?

I've certainly suggested that several times. But every time it comes up, her parents talk her out of it.

Why bring it up with the parents at all.

She has to be able to get to a point in her own maturity to leave home, regardless of what the parents say. She needs to become independent, as all people are entitled to be. Unfortunately, she feels enslaved to stay home.

If she can leave home on her own accord. Then you can visit each other, if not live with each other, at your own individual free-will.
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#5
If she is defending his actions now, she probably always will. I would prefer someone to stand up on your behalf without having to fall out with him. She knows it causes you pain. She sounds nice, I hope you work something out.
I do not need light at the end of the tunnel.  I will light it myself.
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