Journey to Tranquillity

Diminishing to Insignificance.


The whipping post.

Akin to . . .

When my father said to the complaining neighbour: "Mind your own business." I knew there was something wrong here.

To avoid my physically abusive alcoholic father as much as possible, I lived silently in my room. To minimize visual contact, for over ten years, I would use the window to get in and out of the bedroom, using a board as a step.



To entertain myself in silence I drew. Never did school homework, instead I would draw for many hours nearly every night. Did not like reading novels, for my own life was enough drama to handle. Later discovered that my drawing, unknown to me, was a form of art therapy. It saved me.

These days I live a hermits life. I live alone and prefer to be in silence. Have not watched TV, listened to the radio or music, for over ten years. I do spend a little time on the computer as I am dong now. Otherwise I am mainly being creative. Nearly everyday I get out and ride my bicycle all over the place, espicially in natural environments. All this is partly a result from my early childhood survival techniques.

One day, when I was about six years of age, my father lost the plot. Got so severely beaten I should have been put in hospital. As a result, my right upper leg stopped growing while repairing itself. It is 3/4 inch shorter. At the time of abuse, I became numb from the pain. I turned around to look at what he was doing. I starred insanity in the face, and he stopped and locked himself in his bedroom.

My mother, was fear struck. She never talked about it, or about my father's behaviours. Even so, at the time, I was too young to understand what was happening. It was many years later during my own alcoholic rehabilitation did I revisit my childhood through art therapy _ the basis of these drawings. I came to understand that my father, was an alcoholic, like myself, and under its influence I often lost the plot too, but in a different way, I suffered deep depression. As a result of the art therapy, I was able to forgive my father, though he was never able to forgive himself (for being imperfect).

Many years ago, while living in the wilderness, I lost everything in a fire. Since then I got a few photos and other bits, of my past, donated to me from friends and extended family. One was a drawing I done just before leaving my parents place. I was a teenager at the time. The stamp is of Charles Darwin, printed in Poland. It reminded me of my grandfather (of my mother's side) whom I loved very much.

As soon as I left home I got involved with the Ghost Riders MC. We were a strange mix of bike riders. Worked hard. and drank and drugged hard too. Became an alcoholic, but did not know it at the time. What I did start to know was that I was out of control in many areas of my life.

Knew I needed some self-discipline instilled into me, so I joined the military. Spent my six year term in the RAAF. Gained qualifications in instruments and avionics. Joining the RAAF was one of my better decisions.

My RAAF postings:


It was in the RAAF when I was introduced the its Alcohol Rehabilitation and Education Program (AREP). It was the first time I got sober, Stayed that way for two years, but it was hell. Because I would not do the suggested things, like going to AA, I suffered severe depression and anxiety. They called this 'white-knuckling sobriety'. But then I relapsed, and went on a seven year sober-relapse cycle. People started referring to me as a hopeless case.

A few years after I left the RAAF I moved to the wilderness to get away from my problem _ to no avail. . .



Until I realized I was the problem.

Finally went back to AA, but this time I was willing to go to any lengths to recover and stay recovered. At this my car got repossessed. Nearest AA was once per week in a town 75 km (46 miles) away. The first 24 km was walking to the highway, then hitched into town. Did this everyweek, rain hail or shine, for 18 months. RAAF discipline helped me with my resolve, let alone all the assistance I got from a Higher Hand.

After several months, for the first time in my life, I started to feel some serenity/tranquility in my life. Living in the wilderness is so different to my city upbringing. No electricity, phone, or running water. My music was nature. Wildlife became my friends.



Without mind altering chemicals, plus working the AA program, has given me the chance to become the person I always wanted to be. A life of tranquility.
However, it requires something at a price. It requires truth, and the price is myself (ego-self). Much like swimming, if you don't relax you'll drown.

The tranquility I was experiencing mainly came in dribs and drabs. Still had a long way to go. A sort of never ending journey, though at each step seems to be it, but another step then presents itself. It just gets better.

Please feel free to comment.

After eighteen months of sobriety my thoughts were becoming mor sober. It takes a long time to shift/alter one's own psyche (beliefs, philosphies, ethics, goals, attitudes, and truth) to support sobriety instead of intoxication. Part of my sober thinking was to live better. So I returned to urban living.

My second year of sobriety was approach. I feared relapsing again like I did earlier. In an attempt to break any bad patterns of cycles, I needed something to help me focus on staying sober. I often write, or do artwork, to help me focus. It's because it takes time to write, or do art, which keeps the focus going.

This painting is about my thoughts on my two year sobriety. It is largely symbolic, each part has its own personal meaning. Feel free to ask me to explain any part of the painting.

Used the window light, and wall as an easel. As you can see, this is all my furniture at the time. I lived in a unit that was basically empty. My oil paints were sparse too, I am only using the primary colours.






Detail #1


Detail #2


Guess what, I stayed sober and have been since 25th May 1988.
Sobriety would have to one of the major contributions to my life of traquility (serenity).

What is the significance of the second individual on the bench? I’m assuming that the larger figure is a self representation?

Yukongirl said:

What is the significance of the second individual on the bench? I’m assuming that the larger figure is a self representation?

Click to expand...

Thank you Yukongirl for visiting this thread and making an enquiry.

I have in the past been a homeless drunk. The guy on the bench is to remind me of what will happen if I start drinking again.
Yes, the larger figure symbolizes me.

It took a while to see the positive aspect of this piece. But my eye was drawn to heart and it’s connection to nature, gives it a sense of hopefulness.

That second detail, the noose halo combination is interesting. What does that mean? I had some thoughts on that, would like to know what it means to you as well.

Yukongirl said:

It took a while to see the positive aspect of this piece. But my eye was drawn to heart and it’s connection to nature, gives it a sense of hopefulness.

That second detail, the noose halo combination is interesting. What does that mean? I had some thoughts on that, would like to know what it means to you as well.

Click to expand...

Thanks for asking.

Please share what you thought it means. There are many interpretations of any one thing. Life as we know it is not necessarily so ;-)

What it means to me is that spirituality is based on being humble. In other words, as soon as you think you ARE spirtual, you just hung yourself by your own ego.

___________________________
I like your interpretation of heart and nature. I never saw that before. Thank you.

In my mind, I had the connection between clenched hand to heart as a sign of gratitude.
The heart is also pink for love, with a white outline for radiance. Overall, it looks clean and pure. This is how I felt my heart at the time.

Detail #1 is to remind me that no matter how lonely and depressed I can get there is always the Spirit of Life shining on me. 
It also reminds me to stop burying myself inwardly. That the Spirit of Life respects my free-will, and is waiting for me to accept it.

Work changed and became unemployed for a while, as a result I relocated to cheaper accommodations. It was an all in one room place, with security bars on the windows. Oh, how diiferent city life can be to the wilderness. To help me cope, I decided to do a landscape. But I could not get out of the city to paint it. So I had to do it from memory. And as a joke, I added steel bars to symbolize my frustration of being stuck. No much tranquility within me, but enough to start painting my landscape.



Land-e-scape Dreaming (4 x 2.5 feet)



By the time I finished, I was resolved to do what was needed to become unstuck. 
The painting helped me to accept my current situation and to no longer let barriers hold me back. Decided to re-educted for better chances of employment.

Later, a friend acquired the painting. Soon after, he relocated to rural settings. . . and found his piece of tranquility (but not so much within him).

Discovered that most people only find one or two close friends in their life. Others are aquaintances. Also, that close friend may not be a large part of our own life, unless your life long partner is your close friend. I find a close friend is one where you can be with, in tranquility, nearly all the time.

Two Old Friends (4 x 2.5 feet)


These two have grown up together and died together in an open field of tranquility (alone but not alone).

Decided to paint a lanscape of my mind that represents how I was feeling inside.
On completion I discovered how quiet and still it was, quite frank actually. So I called it Point Frank for many years. Later I renamed it ...

Serenity (3 x 3 feet).

In Detail #2, I saw the rope as a lasso that is perceived as a halo.  Not for hanging, but rather as a type of tether that is ready to drop should you try to stray.

Blue Bob said:

In Detail #2, I saw the rope as a lasso that is perceived as a halo.  Not for hanging, but rather as a type of tether that is ready to drop should you try to stray.

Click to expand...

That is an interesting perception. Thanks for sharing. 
It is good that you can see your own interpretations of/in a painting, and get something out of it that is yours.

these are real good!

Thank you for sharing your story and incredible artwork. You are very talented.

Tranquil said:

Decided to paint a lanscape of my mind that represents how I was feeling inside.
On completion I discovered how quiet and still it was, quite frank actually. So I called it Point Frank for many years. Later I renamed it ...

Serenity (3 x 3 feet).

Click to expand...

Hi, Tranqul!

Nice paint of a Norwayian fiord... Have been over there? (I haven't, but If i were rich I'll move out to another place, and have thought about Island or Norway: I don't understand their tongues!)