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blumar

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Feb 21, 2010
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Location
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Hi Everyone, 

I realize that I come here in the depths of despair which seems to accumulate to overflowing about once a year (all the other days I can muddle through).  I find myself in, what seems to be, an unbreakable cycle.  In my "crystal ball" I see myself continuing my lonely path into the second half of my life.  You see, my father has had Stage IV cancer for some time now.  I've processed the initial shock of this revelation a while ago and now it has become the managing of this illness.  Meanwhile, I see my mother's mental state declining slightly (she forgets and repeats herself more than normal).  My future, as I see it, is caring for both my parents.  Now, I know that this is not unusual and it is something for which I have mentally prepared.  What is difficult for me is the lack of a support system that I have available.  I have a brother who, for the most part, is a no-show when it comes to supporting the family, thus, I cannot rely on him.  Although I have a brother, I feel as though I am an only child - a sentiment echoed by my therapist.  So, I anticipate that as I age, I must find services/support to care for me since he is not dependable (though I would support him).  

As far as friends are concerned, in my 20s and 30s I had a good group of friends, but as I and they have aged, my friends have diminished.  This is to be expected as people marry, have children, and focus their priorities inward.  What is difficult is having one friendship ended and the other on its way out.  I realized last week that the one friend I considered to be my best friend was using me as a surrogate sister.  Not that this is necessarily a horrible idea - to be close to someone and consider them a sister.  However, it was not that I was a sister to her, I was treated that way because her sister married and relocated.  Now that her sister has moved back home, I have been cut off entirely.  So, I can't help but feel used.  My other friend, being on a scale of 0 (no friend) to 1 (friend) is a 0.5.  I have half a friend meaning that we talk on the phone during the week but, for some reason, he has such difficulties finding a day off to go out for lunch or a movie.  It's been 4 months since I've seen him.  

Yes, I am employed and I do enjoy my occupation (this is where I direct most of my energy).  I have tried taking classes, online dating, and generally being happy and outgoing when meeting/interacting with people but I find little interest in friendship from others (inviting someone to a movie, etc.).  I find that people come to me with their issues and freely "dump" in exchange for advice but that is as far as it goes.

So I'm processing what seems to be my path being laid out before me but also hoping that I will wake up one morning and meet a great friend and/or partner as I go through my day.  

Thanks for providing a positive, safe place for my thoughts.  I'm sure I'll be back on the forum before long but in the meantime, I wish everyone hope.  You are not alone in your loneliness, I'm here with you.
 
Hello blumar.

From reading your post, I get the idea that you only want a close friend to take care of you when you get too old to take care of yourself.

It sounds a bit misplaced. Or perhaps it is I who misunderstood.
 
Tranquil said:
Hello blumar.

From reading your post, I get the idea that you only want a close friend to take care of you when you get too old to take care of yourself.

It sounds a bit misplaced. Or perhaps it is I who misunderstood.

Hello Tranquil,

It may have been my error in describing my future golden years.  My family has always taken care of one another as grandparents have aged an passed on.  My parents raised my brother and I with the hopes that we would take care of one another as we get older.  In our younger years, we were best friends and made the family a priority.  Now that we are in our 30s and 40s, he has become distant and undependable - particularly when it comes to my father's illness, which may be a coping mechanism.  I suppose what I am trying to say is, I'm disappointed that he is not more involved (times when my father had been taken to the hospital or when my mother is upset and needs someone to talk to).  Or, maybe what I am truly trying to say is that I find the burden being placed unequally upon my shoulders and I wish that he would help (and, yes we have asked/tried).  Anyways, thank you for reading.
 
Thank you for the clarity.

It was like that with my best friend, of short term, who became diagnosed with brain cancer. Family did not want to take care of him in his last few months. I left my job to take equal shifts, with his partner, to look after his needs. His extended family came to visit a few times, but none of them could stay with him longer than a few minutes. None of his friends turned up. All they could talk about was what they were going to get from his will. It was very hard for me to not interfere and tell them off for their selfishness and greed. A few weeks later he died.

Later, I did a post grad course in palliative care counselling. Learnt that most people fear death, and do not know how to cope with it. From this, they slip into a sort of denial which blocks basic consideration for the one who is dying. Hoping someone else will take up what they desparately wish to not face. As soon as their is someone else, their justification for their abscence becomes more resolute.

You are doing a lovely thing to be supportive of your parents. They need to know that they are loved by you. It gives them closure about their own doubts of being a good parent. In a strange way, you are being privileged to experience someone facing their own demise. It prepares us for our own.
 
Tranquil said:
Thank you for the clarity.

It was like that with my best friend, of short term, who became diagnosed with brain cancer. Family did not want to take care of him in his last few months. I left my job to take equal shifts, with his partner, to look after his needs. His extended family came to visit a few times, but none of them could stay with him longer than a few minutes. None of his friends turned up. All they could talk about was what they were going to get from his will. It was very hard for me to not interfere and tell them off for their selfishness and greed. A few weeks later he died.

Later, I did a post grad course in palliative care counselling. Learnt that most people fear death, and do not know how to cope with it. From this, they slip into a sort of denial which blocks basic consideration for the one who is dying. Hoping someone else will take up what they desparately wish to not face. As soon as their is someone else, their justification for their abscence becomes more resolute.

You are doing a lovely thing to be supportive of your parents. They need to know that they are loved by you. It gives them closure about their own doubts of being a good parent. In a strange way, you are being privileged to experience someone facing their own demise. It prepares us for our own.

Thanks Tranquil for your kind words.  I do love my parents and I am fortunate to have them.  I am sorry to hear about your friend but you showed him and his partner love and compassion in the most difficult of times.  Those are actions of a kind heart and are not easily forgotten.
 
Hi Blumar,
I’m sorry for all you are going through. My father had kidney failure and went through dialysis. I was his main caregiver from preparing  his medicines to doctor’s appointments. I love him so much, I was busy with him to the point that I set aside my health and personal life. Sometimes when it comes to care giving, we neglect to do the most important thing and that is taking care of ourselves. Don’t forget to take care of yourself. You will be more effective in giving your service to your parents when you are physically and emotionally strong.

Please keep us posted. We are here and we can be your friends too. I pray that you will have the peace and strength you need each day.
 
j2415 said:
Hi Blumar,
I’m sorry for all you are going through. My father had kidney failure and went through dialysis. I was his main caregiver from preparing  his medicines to doctor’s appointments. I love him so much, I was busy with him to the point that I set aside my health and personal life. Sometimes when it comes to care giving, we neglect to do the most important thing and that is taking care of ourselves. Don’t forget to take care of yourself. You will be more effective in giving your service to your parents when you are physically and emotionally strong.

Please keep us posted. We are here and we can be your friends too. I pray that you will have the peace and strength you need each day.

Hi j2415, 

That is true about physical/emotional health.  I have neglected myself a bit.  Sometimes the stress of family and work leaves me exhausted at the end of the day.  But, I am trying to be mindful of my well-being; trying to be calm, going for walks, recognizing that this is an emotional time for my family, and focusing on enjoying whatever time there may be left.  Thank you for your kind words of support, I appreciate it.
 
Hello Blumar, 
I feel for you. My mother also had stage 4 cancer. Luckily for me my brother was the primary carer as he lived with her, however I also spent most weekends travelling up to see her and helping. We also had family. It was a stressful time and I was always complaining. I didn't know whether to quit my job or what the outcome of the illness would be. It does take a toll and I was too tired to speak to friends or meet people. My energy was elsewhere. Try and do what you can to help you relax. There will be people in your life that will walk out at difficult times. Just let them go.
 All I can say is, it was the most stressful period of my life but it taught me so much. I would do anything to go back to those days....the appointments, the hope, the stress, the laughter...arguments.  Just to have her here again.
  Life will change one day. Try and make the most of the time you have got, as well as doing what you can to take care of yourself. Life is unexpected. I know lots of people who were carers and have met partners, and even while they were caring. 
Your life will definitely change...but you must take care of yourself as much as possible..
 

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