The closest thing I ever got to love

Hi, I'm male and suffer extreme social anxiety. I had a female therapist who was a lot older than me (in her 40s) whilst I was 18. She would buy me gifts, flirt with me, say suggestive things and generally hint to a life after therapy together. Over the period of 2 years we text nonstop and became incredibly close. I realize she was my therapist, I knew she was a lot older than me, but I didn't care. My love was blind and as pure as I'd ever experienced it. I became intoxicated by the love I felt we shared. She promised me a life where she'd protect me and make me feel emotionally safe in a way nobody else ever could. A life where I'd live with her and not have to worry about my social anxiety anymore. She promised to save me and give me a way out of my terrible situation. She said that I'd never have to worry about money again and she'd save me from myself. She made out like I was the only person she felt she ever truly needed. She made out like I was her missing part and that she'd do anything to keep me in her life. I still remember the last time we touched. It was a hug and she said: "i will never abandon you and that's a promise." I should of known better, but I was blinded by my feelings.

When the therapy ended so did my face to face contact with her. Radio silence went on for about 2 months until I text her asking what happened and why she hadn't saved me yet. I was upset because she promised so much but nothing happened. She had left me alone to struggle with my issues alone despite her promises. I was confused and hurt, but her reaction hurt me even more. Instead of being honest with me, she made out like nothing was going on between us. She gas lighted everything I said and made out it was all lies like I was crazy and thought it all up. She told me everything was in my head, even though I had text proof of her saying all sorts of stuff such as: "For a lot of people sex makes them feel more emotionally safe with their partner" for no reason. She just text me that when I was talking about feeling emotionally unsafe and saying I never feel safe. When I mentioned this to her of course as one of the many times she'd crossed the line she denied it and said I'm imagining it up. I even showed a friend at the time she sent that and he said it was obvious she wanted to sleep with me. Like I knew it wasn't all in my head, but she was making out it was.

She continued to text me monthly from then onward till I gained the courage and self worth to ignore her. She attempted to text me 3 more times and email me, but I ignored that too. It's been quite a while since her last attempt to contact me. I feel so confused and rather cheated out of the life she promised me. She promised me an escape when I was at my worst point. I thought she was honestly going to save me and we'd be happy from that point onward.

She fed this fantasy that we'd live together and spend the rest of our lives together. She made out like I was her true love and we were soul mates. She said she wanted spiritual companionship just as much as me because she is equally as lonely. She made out like she would save me from myself and give me purpose. I told her my deepest secrets and connected on a level deeper than any I'd connected to a person before.

She used to compare me to a princess stuck in a tower desperate to be saved and described herself as knight in shining armor. Obviously the roles were reversed, but it still sounded good to me. She said that she'd support me financially because I am too anxious to hold down a job. I told her how I don't think it's fair because I can't support with money due to not being able to work and she said that it was fine because it would be like owning a pet that she can get benefits from as well. I know I should have known we were never equals when she said this, but I was too blinded by my emotions to see things properly. I should have known the moment she compared me to her pet dog I wasn't a truly important person in her life.

I feel as though my emotions and mind was toyed with by this woman till the very last day I finished therapy. She probably had no intention on doing anything she promised from the very beginning, I was just too stupid to ever realize what was going on. I was just a game to her in the end. She would have dragged me through this for years if I'd of let her. The first week she didn't contact me after therapy ended despite the fact I was in a really bad place due to worry proved to me that she wasn't going to keep to her word. Yet still to this day I still miss her and what our relationship was like. It was the closest I ever got to dating. I feel so lost without her. Even now I crave to have that older woman figure in my life who seems interested in me and seems to love me despite my faults. I feel like I can never replace that and it hurts so much thinking it was all fake anyway.

Sounds like your typical woman mhmm.

Try to understand the part you played and which of your own actions are responsible for this scenario. Then try your best to learn from this experience.

That wasn't close to love at all. Just a shitty unethical therapist. You're probably better off looking for a man.  Not because men are any better at the job. It just would probably prevent yourself from developing any strange feelings towards your therapist if they were male. Unless you're into guys too. :/

Maybe that was her concept of therapy, role play, drama therapy, idk.
Maybe you misinterpreted her behaviour and words.
Still, in my opinion, that was highly unethical and unprofessional of her. As a therapist she should have set clear and straight boundaries and explain her therapy plan to you and then proceed with her "guidance". But well, some fall into the trap of thinking they have it under control and are able to work wonders, in spite of literature showing plenty of examples where transference and countertransference ended in failure and misuse. In my part of the world, if a therapist engages in this kind of relationship with a client/patient, he loses his license. Even after therapy, 2 years have to pass, before a relationship is "ok" to happen between them. End of story.

I wouldn`t put the blame only on her though and I wouldn`t even see it as deliberately fake or a game. Maybe she had a good intent but not the best of knowledge and experience to put it into practice.
It`s just sad that you being socially avoidant, maybe, had put all your hopes and expectations in this therapy as a form of salvation. Salvation comes from within and is not free of pain. That`s the process.

I hope you`re feeling better or start feeling better soon and don`t give up on therapy and hope. Like Kamya said, ponder on your part in the story and in time you`ll be able to analyse it with a more detached eye. And well, love may come your way too, once you start loving yourself also.

She's a narcissist who used her position to toy with a vulnerable guy young enough to be her son FFS.

If he's misinterpreted her actions then why did she continue texting him?

Out of courtesy? Pity? Idk the motivation behind her approach and she`s not here to tell us.

I agree with you, ardour, but I see no benefit for the OP in us pointing out the negatives of that situation, which was everything else but a professional therapy. I mean, really, "princess in a tower", "soulmates", "financial support"? Jeez. Yet Rowlie himself admits it was a fantasy and we don`t know how far they went. ....it takes two to tango after all.
Text messages after therapy? I understood he expected them and after not having the expectations met, he stopped responding to them. Which seems to me the sanest thing in the whole story.

My point in my initial reply and now is, instead of making Rowlie feel worse than he already does and increase his feelings of deception, hate, confusion, rather help him accept what happened and move on, focusing on new perspectives and his healing. If we dwell on faults and negatives, it`s only time and energy wasted. What happened cannot be changed. So better no get bitter, but look ahead to finding new ways of coping and healing. That`s my reasoning. But well, I`m sure others can come up with better ideas.

That's a very complex thing to be in. Although I cannot determine which side she was in actual events. Either professional. Or someone who lead you on. Maybe someone who lead you on without even knowing it. Or maybe you just misinterpreted her intentions.


Although i cannot really offer anything useful. I can empathise with you. Ive had some occasions where i think ive come so close to that person I want and that my chance has finally come at last. Only for it to be torn away from me. Just know im right here with you.

That was brutal to read. I really feel for you, man. What a terrible rollercoaster ride.

It seems like she promised you alot of things that made herself and you feel better, but knew she could never keep.

Talking about this experience with others is a great way to heal and get better. Hopefully you feel better by getting this story out there. Please know that I really feel for you.

youtube Dr Todd Grande has a good video
6 signs of a bad therapist