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i feel like im avoided as if im carrying a disease
#1
I don't understand what about me makes people try to stay as far away as possible. I know i can be quite negative sometimes, but i'm not some freak of nature-i have my good moments too. I have seen extremely negative people who complain all day who have friends and I just don't understand what it is about me. I feel like i'm avoided before i'm even given a chance to speak so i just don't understand. i don't know what to do about this. i'm already incredibly sensitive and this just gives me more to be upset about. i have nobody to talk to. does anyone out there have advice on how to be more likable without seeming like i'm desperately trying to find friends?


 i also feel like something is just WRONG with me. its hard for me to move past TRIVIAL things, it play in my mind like a broken tape record and try as i might it keeps playing. i then get upset with myself for letting something so small upset me-this particularly frustrates me. i have depression and anxiety, but i feel like i have some added extra layer of mental issues. I cant shake it out of my head day in and day out and I feel that something is seriously wrong with the way my mind functions. Antidepressants don't help. it feels like some people dont think much and are so carefree and my mind is going at a speed of 100 thoughts/minute. Everyone else can seem to enjoy their lives and i''m just downright miserable, its like i'm not allowed to feel anything else. does anyone else feel this way?

also, i've seen a scenario in which an individual who i find to be very positive didn't even care about something that would have made me very upset. I wish i could be like this, but it almost feels like my brain is hard wired to get hurt which then turns to anger. yes, i have parents who put me down throughout my childhood and still to this day, but I feel like it shouldn't make such a large impact to this day.

does anybody have advice on mini goals I can make? does anyone relate and want to share their story?
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#2
Hi clover4you, from your post it seems like you're taking everything more personally and seriously than others if i'm not mistaken. from the top of my head one method that might help you to slowly overcome this is to meditate. meditation is the practice of slowing down your thoughts and making them singular, that is on your present self, on the deep calm breaths you draw and exhale. its something to help you in the long run, while in the mean time i have a few other tips that you can possibly try.

Gather information:
People usually will ignore someone if they feel that person is trouble, unhygienic, creepy/weird or have a bad reputation. I'm not saying your any of those but its a good idea to analyse your encounters and try to figure out why people are avoid you. if you still can't figure it out then you lack information, the next step would be to gather information, by trying to converse with more different people and see what happens, with enough encounters you could piece together the clues and draw a better conclusion so you can work on fixing what ever it is that is repelling people.

Ask how you can become better:
another way to figure this out would be to ask people who knows you well, and who you don't mind asking their honest opinions on what you can do to become a better person. this isn't easy but its can be very effective. the reason it's not easy is because your ego might try to stop you because to admit to others that you are not the best most confident reliable person might ruin your image of yourself. But sometimes in order to become a better version of ourselves we need to let go of the ego for a short time to admit that we are not the best and is flawed, allowing ourselves to improve so we can rise above the suffering.

another thing you can do right away is clean your room, keep it simple and tidy. this is proven to reduce stress right away because your doing SOMETHING and seeing the results right away.

Healthy is happy, so exercise, go for 15 minute jog around the park, trust me you'll feel better right away, do this everyday if possible and your thinking will be clearer and more positive. Cut out processed sugars, like chocolates, soft drinks, and other junk foods will also lift your mood. drink plenty of water everyday will make you feel better too.

In the end one thing affects another, your health affects your mood, your mood affects your attitude, your attitude affects your effort and laziness sets in, laziness shows up in the way you dress, your environment (e.g. room), your work, and so you don't get things done and you get upset they are not done and so on and so on, people will notice your attitude and might want to ignore. So when you decide to change your life you change your image and the way people see and feel about you.

that's all i got. hope that helps Big Grin
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#3
(09-03-2018, 12:57 AM)soccer7 Wrote: Hi clover4you, from your post it seems like you're taking everything more personally and seriously than others if i'm not mistaken. (you are not mistaken)from the top of my head one method that might help you to slowly overcome this is to meditate. meditation is the practice of slowing down your thoughts and making them singular, that is on your present self, on the deep calm breaths you draw and exhale. its something to help you in the long run, while in the mean time i have a few other tips that you can possibly try.

Gather information:
People usually will ignore someone if they feel that person is trouble, unhygienic, creepy/weird or have a bad reputation. I'm not saying your any of those but its a good idea to analyse your encounters and try to figure out why people are avoid you. if you still can't figure it out then you lack information, the next step would be to gather information, by trying to converse with more different people and see what happens, with enough encounters you could piece together the clues and draw a better conclusion so you can work on fixing what ever it is that is repelling people.
Thank you for your post, I appreciate your input Smile 

When you say "trouble" could it also mean a "troublED" individual? There are few people that I avoid because they will repeat everything and anything I say to everyone (and even skew my words), including to my superiors. Thus I steer far and clear to avoid any issues. This is what "trouble" means to me, what does it mean to you? 

In regards to being unhygienic, my breath smells, but would that really be a reason people would avoid me? Especially if they never tried to talk to me in the first place?

Sometimes I feel creepy/weird because I sometimes think aloud and get anxious that I may something wrong when I'm socializing. In response to this, I will regret many thing I say and worry. However, I think the majority of that is in my head.

I'm curious hat your opinion on this is: A very aggressive individual who constantly complains told me I'm "a little bit too soft." Apparently that is my reputation, how would you interpret that as an outsider looking in since I can't accurately interpret it myself without misconstruing it. Although, I feel the meaning is pretty obvious. lol

I do overreact to everything and take everything personally (I'm EXTREMELY sensitive, sometimes I have no idea why on earth my feelings would be hurt my something so negligible), even though it may not be directed towards me, it's a difficult habit to break and I'm unsure where it is rooted from. I just don't know how to dismiss this like normal do. Do you have tips on how to not take things seriously/personally? 

I am lazy because of my mood, you hit that dead on the nail. I'm going to start going to the gym as I think it will improve my mood, Thank you.
Reply
#4
I just wanted to say that I can relate to some of what you said. I too deal with depression and anxiety, and for me they go hand in hand. I feel depressed a lot of times because my anxiety keeps me isolated and keeps me from being able to talk to anyone, then I feel anxiety because of the depression which makes me want to avoid everyone completely and it just ends up making me feel completely alone. Most people don't give me much of a chance either. It seems like whenever I register on a forum like this and try posting anything I hardly get any replies, then I will see someone else posting something similar and get a lot more replies then I wonder if something is just wrong with me. I've actually tried to reach out to quite a few people on forums that I would see posting about feeling a similar way as me, thinking maybe they would want someone to chat with, but most people never reply. As of right now I message someone on another forum from time to time, and email someone else as well, but that's about it and I have no one else and no one around in person either except my family that mostly ignores me.

So yeah, I wish I could say something helpful though I just wanted to share a little about my issues because you don't seem much different than me.
Reply
#5
(09-02-2018, 06:42 PM)clover4you Wrote: I don't understand what about me makes people try to stay as far away as possible. I know i can be quite negative sometimes, but i'm not some freak of nature-i have my good moments too. I have seen extremely negative people who complain all day who have friends and I just don't understand what it is about me. I feel like i'm avoided before i'm even given a chance to speak so i just don't understand. i don't know what to do about this. i'm already incredibly sensitive and this just gives me more to be upset about. i have nobody to talk to. does anyone out there have advice on how to be more likable without seeming like i'm desperately trying to find friends?


 i also feel like something is just WRONG with me. its hard for me to move past TRIVIAL things, it play in my mind like a broken tape record and try as i might it keeps playing. i then get upset with myself for letting something so small upset me-this particularly frustrates me. i have depression and anxiety, but i feel like i have some added extra layer of mental issues. I cant shake it out of my head day in and day out and I feel that something is seriously wrong with the way my mind functions. Antidepressants don't help. it feels like some people dont think much and are so carefree and my mind is going at a speed of 100 thoughts/minute. Everyone else can seem to enjoy their lives and i''m just downright miserable, its like i'm not allowed to feel anything else. does anyone else feel this way?

also, i've seen a scenario in which an individual who i find to be very positive didn't even care about something that would have made me very upset. I wish i could be like this, but it almost feels like my brain is hard wired to get hurt which then turns to anger. yes, i have parents who put me down throughout my childhood and still to this day, but I feel like it shouldn't make such a large impact to this day.

does anybody have advice on mini goals I can make? does anyone relate and want to share their story?

I could have written part of your post.  I have always thought something was wrong with me.  I've always struggled socially, in my younger days I blundered through life - people disliked me, had little respect for me or anything I said.  I spent over 10 years doing personal reform where I withdrew from everyone, and built life systems to replace my old way of doing things. Coming out of that dark place in my early 40's, I had greater credibility, redefined myself, I actually became more known in the community for some of the things I was now doing (right).  Yet one pattern has never changed, people dislike me.  They might respect me now, but once I let anyone in, things deteriorate and I end up with either a new enemy, a new estrangement to add to my growing collection, or another person who wants nothing to do with me.

I recently married this past April - and my new wife has seen some of this pattern happening in front of her eyes. The nice thing now is I have someone to see and give me feedback.  She has no idea why this pattern is here.  She's been there for several events where the people do an about face, and she goes "what the hell, I now know what you've been talking about."   I've shared everything with her, and now she sees it for herself. 

I have learned that "circles of friends" will always belong to others, but not myself.  I've told my wife that she is the first person who I feel has joined me. I've spent my life watching the world the same way as being inside a bubble...watching it, but not really being a part of it.  Reminds me of the days of the week when I run - I only run at 3 AM - when nobody is around.  I run a few miles through the community, I see the homes, the buildings downtown, and nobody except the "lurkers" as I call them. The fringe people whom I probably have more in common with than those I work with.  We are in the community, but not a part of it.  I feel my wife actually opened the door to my bubble, and sat down in the chair next to me...observing the world like I do.  She's an introvert, whom everyone at work loves, she's beautiful so she always has that equalizer. Me, I'm me....and I can only give you the advice that I've given myself.  Get used to it, do your best to mitigate instances of failure by using boundaries skillfully.  Accept yourself and who you are, stay honest with yourself and the world.  At least you can hold your head high if you stay in the right. Right makes might.

Can come back to this if needed.
Reply
#6
(09-03-2018, 01:44 AM)clover4you Wrote: When you say "trouble" could it also mean a "troublED" individual? There are few people that I avoid because they will repeat everything and anything I say to everyone (and even skew my words), including to my superiors. Thus I steer far and clear to avoid any issues. This is what "trouble" means to me, what does it mean to you? 

what i mean by trouble is if a person looks like they might be a hassle to deal with or cause you trouble in some way like they might have an attitude problem, they look dangerous, they carry a weapon or previously injured someone etc. In your case you avoid those that like to gossip and cause drama which is also a good reason.

(09-03-2018, 01:44 AM)clover4you Wrote: In regards to being unhygienic, my breath smells, but would that really be a reason people would avoid me? Especially if they never tried to talk to me in the first place?

Sometimes I feel creepy/weird because I sometimes think aloud and get anxious that I may something wrong when I'm socializing. In response to this, I will regret many thing I say and worry. However, I think the majority of that is in my head.

People won't know if you breath smells if they never talked to you, but if you breath smells you might be giving off an odor in your sweat which you might not notice but others especially girls will notice it. It just a guess but we shouldn't rule it out in any case, the best way to deal with body odor is to detox, go for few days fruits only diet and drink lots of water to allow your body to detox and washing your mouth with listerine once a while should be enough to end the smell.

what do you mean think aloud? do you say stuff out loud? as long as its subtle and your not talking to yourself in public and acting out or whatever like using hand gesture and talking to yourself then it shouldn't be a problem. I talk to myself sometimes but in a low tone and hardly audible to the people around me and when i do it i have my thinking face on so when someone catches me they know i'm just in deep thought, when someone catch me i just smile and they too just smile back, its a very casual thing.

from what your saying it seems your not very sure of yourself and are afraid of peoples opinion of you, and so you worry about what you say. let me tell you something i used to be the exact same, i don't talk much because i was afraid what i was saying was stupid or boring and people don't like me but at the same time i didn't like awkward silences because well its awkward lol. this is a fear based on lack of information and experience. I didn't know how to overcome that until i joined my friends working as a salesman. I was so awkward and shaking at the beginning as i was trying to sell to potential customers  a pair of socks and a ruler, and i was shaking while i was saying it too. 

However, after 2 weeks of going out everyday for 8 hours a day talking to different people my confidence grew and i started to even joke with the customers and it became fun as i finally was able to talk to people and be myself and have a laugh with different people. I did that job for only 3 months but my confidence grew so much and i could talk to anyone about anything and walk away not thinking or worrying about what i said. But after i quit that job and spent much alone time playing video games and hardly going out i lost that confidence and when i talk to people it was awkward again. So what i'm trying to say is that your communication and social skills is like a muscle if you don't work at it you lose it. Now i work in a supermarket at the checkouts and so i talk to people all the time and so my skills hasn't dull since. I actually gained new skills in leadership, taking initiative and problem solving as well so i'm pretty relax and casual when i talk, but there's still more i need to learn and improve on but now i'm clearly more aware of my weakness and consciously seek to improve them, where as before i didn't know what was wrong or how to fix anything. 

So i recommend you do something similar, you don't have to become a salesman or working in retail, those are just two ways to help but there are many ways you can improve your social skills and improve your confidence, the aim of the game is to talk to lots of people all the time with the intention of making them genuinely smile. if you can do that then you win. However its best to do it in a casual way, don't just walk up to some random person and start telling them a story or joke, maybe next time your in the supermarket waiting in line you might just compliment someone on something like their watch or their shoes or whatever and go from there.

(09-03-2018, 01:44 AM)clover4you Wrote: I'm curious hat your opinion on this is: A very aggressive individual who constantly complains told me I'm "a little bit too soft." Apparently that is my reputation, how would you interpret that as an outsider looking in since I can't accurately interpret it myself without misconstruing it. Although, I feel the meaning is pretty obvious. lol


Soft probably implies that your timid and possibly a push over. I believe the best way to live is to believe in yourself, be assertive and polite instead of aggressive and rough. both displays confidence and demands respect, but one will warm people up while the other heats and burns them, one encourages friends while the other encourages enemies, your choice.
(09-03-2018, 01:44 AM)clover4you Wrote: I do overreact to everything and take everything personally (I'm EXTREMELY sensitive, sometimes I have no idea why on earth my feelings would be hurt my something so negligible), even though it may not be directed towards me, it's a difficult habit to break and I'm unsure where it is rooted from. I just don't know how to dismiss this like normal do. Do you have tips on how to not take things seriously/personally? 


I am lazy because of my mood, you hit that dead on the nail. I'm going to start going to the gym as I think it will improve my mood, Thank you.

I think your focusing outwards too much, you need to focus inwards on your wants and needs more now, and learn to love yourself more, when you don't have enough self love you start to think other don't like you too, and if other don't like you then whatever you say must be boring or bad and they will probably not like you even more. It's a cycle of misery really. How do you love yourself more? give more to yourself, wear the good clothes, take care of your body and your appearance, eat something nice once in a while, educate yourself with knowledge and skills. Like I've been saying before, focus on improving yourself everyday, health and fitness, career, relationships, skills and passion and all those things. its not a magical cure that will solve your problem in one day, its something you work on to grow stronger, wiser and happier, once you move up your problem will disappears. Then you'll be face with a different problem, which girl to go out with today lol. 

Lastly i want to add, whenever you get overwhelmed with stressed, its best to find a place to ground yourself, close your eyes and breath in through your nose a deep relaxing breath and then exhale slowly. you will feel lighter and a bit better. Then go back to improving yourself.
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#7
(09-03-2018, 08:53 AM)LostInLimbo Wrote:
(09-03-2018, 08:53 AM)LostInLimbo Wrote: I just wanted to say that I can relate to some of what you said. I too deal with depression and anxiety, and for me they go hand in hand. I feel depressed a lot of times because my anxiety keeps me isolated and keeps me from being able to talk to anyone, then I feel anxiety because of the depression which makes me want to avoid everyone completely and it just ends up making me feel completely alone. 
I agree, it's like a never ending cycle of anxiety and depression. i feel like i hate myself so much, that i project it out. I also worry about little things and don't trust people, which makes them dislike and not trust me at all. i don't understand where the root of self-hate is coming from, i wish I wasn't like this.
Most people don't give me much of a chance either. It seems like whenever I register on a forum like this and try posting anything I hardly get any replies, then I will see someone else posting something similar and get a lot more replies then I wonder if something is just wrong with me. I've actually tried to reach out to quite a few people on forums that I would see posting about feeling a similar way as me, thinking maybe they would want someone to chat with, but most people never reply. As of right now I message someone on another forum from time to time, and email someone else as well, but that's about it and I have no one else and no one around in person either except my family that mostly ignores me.
That's good you have someone to message on a forum!
So yeah, I wish I could say something helpful though I just wanted to share a little about my issues because you don't seem much different than me.
I just wonder what the root is or how to change what repels so many people away. I am guessing self-love, but I feel like that's impossible as I obsess over every mistake I make and am worried people are going to screw me over so I have such little trust in them, that the little I do say STILL backfires on me. I wish I had a solution
What do you think the root of it is?
Reply
#8
(09-03-2018, 09:31 AM)I wrote two responses to two different people and after I submitted it didn\t input my what I wrote, I will be fixing this tomorrow. I truly appreciate the input of all your kind souls and trying to help morrowrd Wrote:
(09-02-2018, 06:42 PM)clover4you Wrote: I don't understand what about me makes people try to stay as far away as possible. I know i can be quite negative sometimes, but i'm not some freak of nature-i have my good moments too. I have seen extremely negative people who complain all day who have friends and I just don't understand what it is about me. I feel like i'm avoided before i'm even given a chance to speak so i just don't understand. i don't know what to do about this. i'm already incredibly sensitive and this just gives me more to be upset about. i have nobody to talk to. does anyone out there have advice on how to be more likable without seeming like i'm desperately trying to find friends?


 i also feel like something is just WRONG with me. its hard for me to move past TRIVIAL things, it play in my mind like a broken tape record and try as i might it keeps playing. i then get upset with myself for letting something so small upset me-this particularly frustrates me. i have depression and anxiety, but i feel like i have some added extra layer of mental issues. I cant shake it out of my head day in and day out and I feel that something is seriously wrong with the way my mind functions. Antidepressants don't help. it feels like some people dont think much and are so carefree and my mind is going at a speed of 100 thoughts/minute. Everyone else can seem to enjoy their lives and i''m just downright miserable, its like i'm not allowed to feel anything else. does anyone else feel this way?

also, i've seen a scenario in which an individual who i find to be very positive didn't even care about something that would have made me very upset. I wish i could be like this, but it almost feels like my brain is hard wired to get hurt which then turns to anger. yes, i have parents who put me down throughout my childhood and still to this day, but I feel like it shouldn't make such a large impact to this day.

does anybody have advice on mini goals I can make? does anyone relate and want to share their story?

I could have written part of your post.  I have always thought something was wrong with me.  I've always struggled socially, in my younger days I blundered through life - people disliked me, had little respect for me or anything I said.  I spent over 10 years doing personal reform where I withdrew from everyone, and built life systems to replace my old way of doing things. Coming out of that dark place in my early 40's, I had greater credibility, redefined myself, I actually became more known in the community for some of the things I was now doing (right).  Yet one pattern has never changed, people dislike me.  They might respect me now, but once I let anyone in, things deteriorate and I end up with either a new enemy, a new estrangement to add to my growing collection, or another person who wants nothing to do with me.

I recently married this past April - and my new wife has seen some of this pattern happening in front of her eyes. The nice thing now is I have someone to see and give me feedback.  She has no idea why this pattern is here.  She's been there for several events where the people do an about face, and she goes "what the hell, I now know what you've been talking about."   I've shared everything with her, and now she sees it for herself. 

I have learned that "circles of friends" will always belong to others, but not myself.  I've told my wife that she is the first person who I feel has joined me. I've spent my life watching the world the same way as being inside a bubble...watching it, but not really being a part of it.  Reminds me of the days of the week when I run - I only run at 3 AM - when nobody is around.  I run a few miles through the community, I see the homes, the buildings downtown, and nobody except the "lurkers" as I call them. The fringe people whom I probably have more in common with than those I work with.  We are in the community, but not a part of it.  I feel my wife actually opened the door to my bubble, and sat down in the chair next to me...observing the world like I do.  She's an introvert, whom everyone at work loves, she's beautiful so she always has that equalizer. Me, I'm me....and I can only give you the advice that I've given myself.  Get used to it, do your best to mitigate instances of failure by using boundaries skillfully.  Accept yourself and who you are, stay honest with yourself and the world.  At least you can hold your head high if you stay in the right. Right makes might.

Can come back to this if needed.
Reply
#9
(09-30-2018, 12:40 PM)I am not really sure who this is going to, but I am reading these over, as I am tearing up. This is all so real how I experience our world. How I never fit in, except as a child when I had my twin to lean on. She died when we were 32 years old. Since then, it has been really difficult on me socially.Describing living in your own bubble and no one ever entering into your world,,,everyone seems like they just feel sorry for me or pity me, I hate how I feel around popular people. UGHH I could puke up rainbow glitters from that shit!!!!!!!!!Wonder what God was thinking when he made us like this??Its not just me,,,,,,there are versions of me running around earth, I had no idea.......people who experience things similar to the way I do, the pain, feeling like the permanent outcast of society. The jokes about nerds, and shy people, I watched a Ted Talk on youtube a few weeks ago, it was about Highly Sensitive People,,,,,,,,worth a google clover4you Wrote:
(09-03-2018, 08:53 AM)LostInLimbo Wrote:
(09-03-2018, 08:53 AM)LostInLimbo Wrote: I just wanted to say that I can relate to some of what you said. I too deal with depression and anxiety, and for me they go hand in hand. I feel depressed a lot of times because my anxiety keeps me isolated and keeps me from being able to talk to anyone, then I feel anxiety because of the depression which makes me want to avoid everyone completely and it just ends up making me feel completely alone. 
I agree, it's like a never ending cycle of anxiety and depression. i feel like i hate myself so much, that i project it out. I also worry about little things and don't trust people, which makes them dislike and not trust me at all. i don't understand where the root of self-hate is coming from, i wish I wasn't like this.
Most people don't give me much of a chance either. It seems like whenever I register on a forum like this and try posting anything I hardly get any replies, then I will see someone else posting something similar and get a lot more replies then I wonder if something is just wrong with me. I've actually tried to reach out to quite a few people on forums that I would see posting about feeling a similar way as me, thinking maybe they would want someone to chat with, but most people never reply. As of right now I message someone on another forum from time to time, and email someone else as well, but that's about it and I have no one else and no one around in person either except my family that mostly ignores me.
That's good you have someone to message on a forum!
So yeah, I wish I could say something helpful though I just wanted to share a little about my issues because you don't seem much different than me.
I just wonder what the root is or how to change what repels so many people away. I am guessing self-love, but I feel like that's impossible as I obsess over every mistake I make and am worried people are going to screw me over so I have such little trust in them, that the little I do say STILL backfires on me. I wish I had a solution
What do you think the root of it is?
Reply


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