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I am Stunted
#1
I will try and make this short... I always sort of knew, but I never really before came fully to the acceptance that I am the cause of my own loneliness, and even now I have trouble accepting the fact. I am very hostile to new people, possibly due to my PTSD and being bullied growing up--both in school and in my home-and when I do make friends, my mind starts running away with me with all of these paranoid ideas of how they secretly hate me and want to ruin me and my reputation. I don't know what I am waiting for, and what I am really comparing my friendships to -- it's like I had a past life where I was normal and I had loyal trustworthy friends, but what's weird is that ever since I could remember I have always been shy and reserved. And when I do get close to someone I end up pushing them away for reasons even I myself don't understand. I wish I wasn't so broken in this regard... I am taking so many medications to treat my disordered thinking and seeing my therapist frequently and am confiding in her, but I don't know if I can ever unravel my disordered thinking. Thanks for listening.
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#2
Oh i love that little video with the snow defying gravity Smile

What do you mean with being hostile?

I think the way you and me function isnt much differen from each other
I always have the feeling people are going to hurt me, i know it is irrational and could be interpreted as paranoia
But this fear, is very much there

I think thats what you get from being bullied, or have people treat you terribly without any apparent reason other than sadism
And that is not your fault, you didnt choose to develop PTSD
But you are stuck with the consequences now

To me the most obvious reason you may be pushing people away is simply that youre afraid theyll hurt you, and that cuts a lot deeper when it comes from people close to you
Or it might be because youve lost a lot of people, and are just sick of it
Both of those reasons apply to me, and are some of the reasons i am extremely difficult to bond with

I think those are some ways to rationalize it all
But how to permanently overcome it, i dont have the answers for either
Perhaps the insight i have in my own situation, can give you a better perspective on yours
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