Why did we end so badly?

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Katie97

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TLDR: this is about a betrayal, a friendship gone terribly wrong, alcoholism and abuse. which caused a lot of trust issues within me and I need advice. Please bear with me.

Full story: Last year, I met this girl at a summer job and we clicked. (We’re both girls, 20).We started going out with mutual friends and got close. From the beginning she began confiding in me about her past. Abusive parents, sexually assaulted by family member, feeling lonely etc. I was her boss and I had been through similar things so I took her under my wing. At the time she started dating this older guy there who was higher than me. And I started developing this obsession where I want to fix her and make her happy. One day she asked me if I liked someone. I said no. She told me "I think I've a crush on you. Is it weird?" I laughed it off. Another time she said "I'm falling for you." I never took her seriously. We had a fight that lasted for a month (she thought I was there for her because I pitied her). One moment she’d say she’s addicted to me and the next talk badly behind my back. Anyway we made up when I showed up at her house once beaten up. She started to invite me over to her house while her parents slept. We would smoke and cuddle in her bed, then she'd sneak me out by morning. One day before I was about to leave, she kissed my forehead and said she loves me. Then she leaned in and kissed the tip of my nose and giggled and said "I want my kiss."
We'd cuddle and talk and play fight and even press our foreheads together. It didn't feel right. I had a history of dysfunctional friendships but I felt happy with her. Then one day her mom walked in on her leaning on me on her bed. Her mother called her disgusting and slapped her and beat her with the TV remote infront of me. I knew her parents were abusive and that's why I wanted to protect her cause I went through the same. I suggested we stay away since her mother thought we’re gay but she didn’t care. She called her mom crazy and kept seeing me every night.

She travelled back for college and would call me everyday and we’d speak for hours at night. She’d tell me she misses me and my cuddles, and how much she adores and loves me. How safe and comfortable she felt with me Sometimes she sends me revealing photos/videos of herself lip-syncing.Then we argued because her boyfriend (who she has a rocky relationship with) thinks I'm a bad influence on her, to which I said that I'll be away from her. She kept calling and left me a message* "If you leave me my life will be screwed up. You're so special to me, you're my entire world. We cannot be apart I can't live without you". She told me she feels her bf is cheating on her and she doesn't feel the same way she used to. And then she broke up with him.

Few nights later my mother kicked me out of the house and I spoke to her. I told her I had 2 months to find a full time job and I was going to apply for cabin crew. She told me she was miserable there as she was not working nor studying (got expelled from college for poor grades). She then had an idea; to travel with me abroad to a new college and move in together. She was worried about the finances bc her parents weren't supporting the decision. At that time I was working on part time projects as a marketing/event manager and I was saving. So I promised her that I will take care of her flight ticket and our dorm.
She was anxious for me to apply and we both got in (I got a scholarship). She had all these plans and dreams for us.
We used to speak everyday for hours on the phone. Few days later she told me she had a dream where we were fighting and then I kissed her lips. She said it felt good and "may become a reality when we move in together."

When we got there, We would fight from the beginning. I struggle with BPD and an alcohol addiction. I was angry at her for being irresponsible and careless about her studies. Sometimes she’d slap me or bite me really hard which drew flashbacks on me. One night, when I was drunk I kissed her on her neck and she didn't pull away. She pulled me in closer. Few days later she twisted the story. She then suddenly claimed that I tried to kiss her lips when I was drunk(wasn’t true)Then she asked me if I had feelings for her to which I replied No, I love you as a friend. Then we decided she should move out and live with another friend. Anyway it got worse. She had told me to go kill myself (knowing I had attempted with pills in the first weeks, and she had taken care of me). She began taunting me and using my abusive parents against me. Angry, I grabbed her by the neck and was going to strangle her, we fought physically and she began screaming for help. cops got involved and the uni began a disciplinary hearing against me.

We sat down to speak once after the police incident. I had secretly paid for her monthly tuition installment and she asked me why. I said because i knew her parents weren’t paying I wanted her to focus on her education and to live her life happily the way she deserves. A few days later, She said "we tried and it won't work out. I don't want you. I feel nothing for you anymore." When I asked her what I've done to deserve this, she replied "I cared about you. And I was in love with you but you’re not the same person I knew" after a pause she continued fast "as a friend."

For the next 2 months it was a push and pull game. I'd get drunk, chase her and try to fix it, she'd push me away and say she needs space if we were to fix it. I'd order her food when I knew she didn't eat, I'd leave groceries out her room, and she would accept it. She was acting bipolar. For 1 moment we would be okay. she'd say "I think I loved you too much that's why I hate you now." Or "I was sick the other day at the hospital and I wish it was you who was there with me." Then she'd abruptly start a fight out of nowhere, when she sees me with boys, and accuse me of speaking behind her back (though she knows that was not true) .

One day I accepted it was over I gave her a teddy to say goodbye. An hour later, she ended up going out with me and another friend to a jazz bar. (She doesn't drink btw). She got a little dizzy at the end, and held onto me for support. She asked me to stay the night with her if i wanted and wrapped her arm around me. We ended up cuddling her and sleeping next to her in her new room. We had another major fight after that (from her side) and I found out that She's also been going around and talking badly behind my back to boys especially, saying I was gay or obsessed with her, also spilling my secrets that I had trusted her with in addition to twisting them. I also found out that before she got close to me, she went and told mutual friends that I liked her. The top of it was, she reached out to my ex-bestfriend, the man who had sexually abused me and almost raped me, to extract information. She was the second person I ever confided in about this). She also called me a sl*t and said I lied to her because I "wanted it from him".

After all the problems she caused me, I left uni to go back home (3 wks before the end of the sem.) I lost the scholarship and have been suspended for a month. She kept calling me for the next few days, blocking and unblocking. She told me she was going back to her ex to get engaged because they love each other (but again I found out that was a lie as he had left her). She compared me to him "he may have cheated on me but at least he didn't lay a hand on me". She said how she had chosen me over him twice, and how she hated everyone because of me and can't trust anyone and that she'd return my money and clothes. The last thing she said was that we were both toxic for each other and to take care.
It's been 2 months, she blocked me off everywhere except FB. She hasn't made contact, though she asks a mutual friend whether I've spoken about her. I also know she still wears my clothes that I left with her, and also the ones I had bought her, and hasn't made an effort to return mine at least. She also speaks bad of me whenever she gets a chance.

From my side I did love her and care for her as a friend and I had a soft spot bc we had been thru similar things. (I'm an only child). We knew everything about each other and I kept her secrets and just wanted to help her.

I've accepted that the friendship is toxic but I want to try to understand why she's caused all this. I feel a part of me will always care of her, I saw myself in her. I wish to know what went wrong and if we’d ever get back together.
 
...well....nothing simple or easy. On both your parts. First off, friendships are like dating, without the sex; its a 50-50 relationship. I honestly think if you dwell objectively, youll find both good things and bad, with blame assigned equally on both sides, actions that could have been handled differently. So she didnt "cause" this. Thats unfortunately the way it went. Its sad but it happens.
As for understanding the why, that takes a long time and sometimes never yields a clean answer. I wouldn't dwell so much on it from her side, simply because unless she offers her own thoughts, you'll never know and are only guessing. That would be my state of mind on it.

As for wether or not it can be salvaged and fixed, I know you'd like a better answer but the truth is....it depends on her. And you. Maybe 6 months from now, you wont want to. Maybe one year from now, she'll want to. I wouldnt press the matter as much as wait to see if it ever happens, but Id also keep in mind to not dwell on it and move on.
No one really wants that kind of headache in their lives...
Im sorry this happened and you hurt, but I do not believe there is much to gain by dwelling on it and possibly more hurt to be found.
 
You drew it out too long. You also seemed to have no boundaries or self respect in this situation. People tend to test boundaries to see just how much honeysuckle they can get away with. If you let them get away with it then they will keep doing it.

The best part is it's all on you based one what you decide to do about it from this point forward. You don't have to talk about it with them. There doesn't have to be a big dramatic fight. You can control it all from within. They will just wonder one day why things seem distant or you don't talk much anymore or they will notice that you no longer talk to them about certain things or act certain ways around them. They might try to guilt you or complain or try to be sweet and nice but that is all just them trying to manipulate you into letting them get away with breaking your boundaries.

If you give in and things inevitably repeat themselves down the road then you're just as much to blame because you gave someone permission to keep treating your poorly without any real consequences.

I personally used to have this problem. Always forgiving people. Taking blame. Trying to "fix" things as if it was my fault somehow when someone was shitty. Always sacrificing my best interests for the sake of making things "work". I would pride myself on the fact that I was such a good friend and could keep things together during the bad times. It doesn't matter how much you care. You have to have boundaries and force people to respect them.

It's hard at first. Now it's not so bad. The people that need to be cut out get cut out. The people that need to be kept a little distant or out of the loop get kept at the right distance. There is a lot less drama this way. Not as many people taking me for rides on their personal little emotional roller coasters.

It's better this way.
 
It kind of sounds like she was just using you, you were her backup, so to speak. You gave her basically everything and paid her way. It also sounds like she was jealous when you spent time with other people. As for the clothes, of course she's going to keep those and wear them, they are only clothes, so don't read too much into that.
What I don't understand is the bit about her being upset about her boyfriend cheating on her, when she was cheating on him with you.

The relationship is definitely toxic and you should likely stay away from that. The reasons why could range from a million different things and you probably will never know the real reason. Even if you get her to tell you, she has lied to you before, so you couldn't even be sure if she was telling you the truth. My advice for this would be to just let it go. It happened, it ended, look forward, not back.
 
She’s a user, but you had a part to play in this by behaving like a ‘Nice Girl’ attempting to buy her friendship. There are some major self-esteem and mental health issues here but most people here aren't really qualified to comment on this. Learning to let go and cut people off when necessary is a skill that comes with maturity. After a while you just get tired of BS and fickleness
 
ardour said:
She’s a user, but you had a part to play in this by behaving like a ‘Nice Girl’ attempting to buy her friendship.  There are some major self-esteem and mental health issues here but most people here aren't really qualified to comment on this. Learning to let go and cut people off when necessary is a skill that comes with maturity. After a while you just get tired of BS  and fickleness

Okay I disagree on that. I wasn’t trying to “buy” her. I had worked very hard to earn money from several jobs and I loaned her the money until she’d be able to get back up on her feet 
Guess it’s rare to do something nice without expecting something in return.


TheRealCallie said:
It kind of sounds like she was just using you, you were her backup, so to speak.    You gave her basically everything and paid her way.  It also sounds like she was jealous when you spent time with other people.  As for the clothes, of course she's going to keep those and wear them, they are only clothes, so don't read too much into that.
What I don't understand is the bit about her being upset about her boyfriend cheating on her, when she was cheating on him with you.  

The relationship is definitely toxic and you should likely stay away from that.  The reasons why could range from a million different things and you probably will never know the real reason.  Even if you get her to tell you, she has lied to you before, so you couldn't even be sure if she was telling you the truth.  My advice for this would be to just let it go.  It happened, it ended, look forward, not back.
What do you mean by she cheated on him with me? I asked the question because I wasn’t sure. And it was difficult for me to move on. She was so close to me but not beither in a friendly or romantic way. I don’t know I couldn’t figure out a lot of things about this on my own


Richard_39 said:
...well....nothing simple or easy. On both your parts. First off, friendships are like dating, without the sex; its a 50-50 relationship. I honestly think if you dwell objectively, youll find both good things and bad, with blame assigned equally on both sides, actions that could have been handled differently. So she didnt "cause" this. Thats unfortunately the way it went. Its sad but it happens.
As for understanding the why, that takes a long time and sometimes never yields a clean answer. I wouldn't dwell so much on it from her side, simply because unless she offers her own thoughts, you'll never know and are only guessing. That would be my state of mind on it.

As for wether or not it can be salvaged and fixed, I know you'd like a better answer but the truth is....it depends on her. And you. Maybe 6 months from now, you wont want to. Maybe one year from now, she'll want to. I wouldnt press the matter as much as wait to see if it ever happens, but Id also keep in mind to not dwell on it and move on.
No one really wants that kind of headache in their lives...
Im sorry this happened and you hurt, but I do not believe there is much to gain by dwelling on it and possibly more hurt to be found.
Thank you so much for your understanding and compassionate response. I will definitely reflect on it.
 

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