How do you recover from a breakup?

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bender22

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I guess I'm just looking for a bit of moral support here. Going through hell right now after an extremely difficult break up.

Just over a month ago my girlfriend of 2.5 years and I were travelling and having the time of our lives. We were as close as we'd ever been and we were even talking about getting engaged.

When we got home, everything went downhill. She completely changed, and started questioning our relationship. Over a couple of weeks there was so much drama and we were arguing all the time.

I got to the point where I couldn't handle all the drama any more and I was so emotional that I decided to break up with her. Straight after we broke up she came back wanting to get back together. She apologised for the way she'd acted the past few weeks and said everything would change. 

Even though I really wanted to get back together, I just wasn't ready to say yes. Just over a week after we broke up I discovered she was hanging out with this other guy. She only met him just after we got back from our travels and they had only spent time together as part of a group but not alone.

Now it was just the two of them going out together. When I asked her about it she said there was nothing to worry about and they were just friends. Then just a few days after that I discovered they had spent the night together. He had got her drunk and you can guess what happened...

She told me at first that it was just a big mistake and she didn't want it to happen. But since then I've found out that wasn't the case.

Even after that happened I went back to her and said I'd still like to get back together. Now she's saying she doesn't want to get back together and she has feelings for this other guy.

It feels like I'm getting punched in the face over and over again. I can't sleep properly, I've lost my appetite, I don't really feel like doing anything at the moment. It kills me that things fell apart so quickly after we had been so close before.

This was my first long term relationship. For the most part we got along so well and I've never been so close to another person in my life. There were some negatives in the relationship, she certainly wasn't perfect but that's probably the case in any relationship. Even though a lot of things weren't perfect, those 2.5 years with her were probably the happiest time of my life.

Maybe one day I'll look back and see it was for the better. But at the moment it's so hard not to look at it and blame myself for what happened. There's a big part of me that wishes I hadn't broken up with her and wishes I'd got back together when she wanted to. And it feels horrible to live with that regret.

Now I feel like I'm completely starting over again. Right now it's hard to imagine ever finding what I had with her again. 

Any advice on moving on from this?
 
bender22 said:
Just over a week after we broke up I discovered she was hanging out with this other guy. She only met him just after we got back from our travels and they had only spent time together as part of a group but not alone.
Click to expand...

Sure. Nothing was going on until AFTER you split up. She broke up with you and got over you and started hanging out with another guy all within a span of a week. What are the odds?

 When I asked her about it she said there was nothing to worry about and they were just friends.
Click to expand...

Nothing to worry about here. 

Then just a few days after that I discovered they had spent the night together. He had got her drunk and you can guess what happened...

She told me at first that it was just a big mistake and she didn't want it to happen. But since then I've found out that wasn't the case.
Click to expand...

Never saw that coming!


You shouldn't blame yourself at all for the way things turned out. It was going to happen either way. You mentioned that she's lied to your face three different times in this post alone. You can't trust someone like that.
 
bender22 said:
Maybe one day I'll look back and see it was for the better. But at the moment it's so hard not to look at it and blame myself for what happened. There's a big part of me that wishes I hadn't broken up with her and wishes I'd got back together when she wanted to. And it feels horrible to live with that regret.

Now I feel like I'm completely starting over again. Right now it's hard to imagine ever finding what I had with her again. 

Any advice on moving on from this?
Click to expand...

I'm feeling like this right now myself. Like I won't ever have it again. My thing is, though, I don't care if I do. Some days, I'm so mentally exhausted, that I just want a blank mind. Don't blame yourself though. She decided to behave the way she did. No one made her. She most likely came back with crocodile tears because she thought she could. Continue to stand up for yourself. Don't just give in because you're feeling lonely, or that you won't ever find anything again. I've said this for years, and I really believe in this now more than ever: I'd rather be by myself than to be unhappy with someone.
 
You're probably right kamya, it would've happened anyway. And I don't know how I could ever trust her again. There were multiple other occasions when she lied to my face which I didn't even mention in my post. Who knows what else she lied about.

Thanks for your response Vanilla Creme. I wish I could feel the same way as you and not care if I don't have it again. Maybe with time but it's so hard to feel that way right now.
 
bender22 said:
ardour said:
bender22 said:
And I don't know how I could ever trust her again.
Click to expand...

Why would you want to?
Click to expand...

I guess because I'm thinking back to all the good times and I'm scared I'll never have that again.
Click to expand...


At first I guess after this kind of break up you will miss the close proximity of having someone by your side. We tend to only think about the good times and magnify them in our mind into probably more then what they ever really were. But it’s seems from your posts that in your heart you knew this wasn’t a good relationship.  You sound like a really great guy. You now hold the power to move on. Look forward not back wards my friend.x
 
Tigerlilly said:
At first I guess after this kind of break up you will miss the close proximity of having someone by your side. We tend to only think about the good times and magnify them in our mind into probably more then what they ever really were. But it’s seems from your posts that in your heart you knew this wasn’t a good relationship.  You sound like a really great guy. You now hold the power to move on. Look forward not back wards my friend.x
Click to expand...

Thanks Tigerlilly :) Yes, it's hard not to think about the good times and like you say, magnify them. Logically I know that there were some serious problems with the relationship and that it's better to move on. But emotionally I feel like I've lost the best thing that ever happened to me.
 
bender22 said:
Tigerlilly said:
At first I guess after this kind of break up you will miss the close proximity of having someone by your side. We tend to only think about the good times and magnify them in our mind into probably more then what they ever really were. But it’s seems from your posts that in your heart you knew this wasn’t a good relationship.  You sound like a really great guy. You now hold the power to move on. Look forward not back wards my friend.x
Click to expand...

Thanks Tigerlilly :) Yes, it's hard not to think about the good times and like you say, magnify them. Logically I know that there were some serious problems with the relationship and that it's better to move on. But emotionally I feel like I've lost the best thing that ever happened to me.
Click to expand...

There is unfortunately no magic way to stop your emotions feeling like they do.  It’s an old but true saying that “What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger”.   You will gradually begin to feel better..it will be slow...don’t make any relationship decisions while you are going through this. Every time it gets on top of you try to remember who you are, remember your self worth,  recognise that you are grieving but remember that your grief is for something that was already broken and that you deserve the love and loyalty of someone that gives you respect. Xxxxxxxx
 
Looks like rather shady and irresponsible behavior from here. There is only a minor chance that people in a relationship can move past an instance of betrayal/cheating in the first place, but only if full responsibility is taken by the party (or parties). It doesn't look like that happened though. Move on, as tough as it may be.
 
No, you did the right thing not getting back together with her when she wanted to.  You didn't trust her and who knows if she wouldn't have dumped you a week or two later.  She says she has feelings for that other guy now, so it was highly likely she would have.  As for getting past her I don't really know.  All I can say is that over time you will feel better.  Like Tigerlilly said you have to remember your self worth.  Good luck.
 
I wish I could be more positive, but truth is there is no magical recipe for recovery. It just takes time. Time to move on, to forget, to put it in the pass. Time to analyse the relationship, consider what went wrong, learn from it and avoid the same kind of thing in the future.
In my case, it's been over 15 years. Some wounds never entirely heel and can make you reticent to expose yourself to it again, but you need to eventually if that is a goal for you. So try and use this time to work and care for YOU for a while. Start trying to eat better. Join a club. Go to the gym . Write. Whatever activities were yours before the relation that you might not have done in a long time, now would be a good time to do so. Reconnect with some old friends, have a few drinks with them.
And just wait it out. Time is the only factor that ends up really mattering, in the end.

Take care of yourself, man.
 
Thanks everyone, I really do appreciate the comments and support. I've been feeling better the last few days but it still hurts to think about what happened. Talking to other people about it has certainly helped me and finding other things to take my mind off everything has helped.
 
bender22 said:
I guess I'm just looking for a bit of moral support here. Going through hell right now after an extremely difficult break up.

Just over a month ago my girlfriend of 2.5 years and I were travelling and having the time of our lives. We were as close as we'd ever been and we were even talking about getting engaged.

When we got home, everything went downhill. She completely changed, and started questioning our relationship. Over a couple of weeks there was so much drama and we were arguing all the time.

I got to the point where I couldn't handle all the drama any more and I was so emotional that I decided to break up with her. Straight after we broke up she came back wanting to get back together. She apologised for the way she'd acted the past few weeks and said everything would change. 

Even though I really wanted to get back together, I just wasn't ready to say yes. Just over a week after we broke up I discovered she was hanging out with this other guy. She only met him just after we got back from our travels and they had only spent time together as part of a group but not alone.

Now it was just the two of them going out together. When I asked her about it she said there was nothing to worry about and they were just friends. Then just a few days after that I discovered they had spent the night together. He had got her drunk and you can guess what happened...

She told me at first that it was just a big mistake and she didn't want it to happen. But since then I've found out that wasn't the case.

Even after that happened I went back to her and said I'd still like to get back together. Now she's saying she doesn't want to get back together and she has feelings for this other guy.

It feels like I'm getting punched in the face over and over again. I can't sleep properly, I've lost my appetite, I don't really feel like doing anything at the moment. It kills me that things fell apart so quickly after we had been so close before.

This was my first long term relationship. For the most part we got along so well and I've never been so close to another person in my life. There were some negatives in the relationship, she certainly wasn't perfect but that's probably the case in any relationship. Even though a lot of things weren't perfect, those 2.5 years with her were probably the happiest time of my life.

Maybe one day I'll look back and see it was for the better. But at the moment it's so hard not to look at it and blame myself for what happened. There's a big part of me that wishes I hadn't broken up with her and wishes I'd got back together when she wanted to. And it feels horrible to live with that regret.

Now I feel like I'm completely starting over again. Right now it's hard to imagine ever finding what I had with her again. 

Any advice on moving on from this?
Click to expand...
Hello Bender I know we don't know eachother and i'm new here but I would like to say a little if you don't mind. I was married for 21 years when my wife passed away from kidney failure and we did have a time in our life's when my wife made a mistake as she said it was and I had to decide weather I would forgive her and move on with us or tell her we are finished well i'll tell you that was one of the hardest choice's i've ever made in my life now understand we were married and had been for a little over two years but she swore it was a mistake and it would never happen again I went crazy for the two months we had split up for because of this and I had a lot of the same feeling you talked about and it tore me up. I knew how much I loved her and how I may never really be happy again if we went our separate way's  well I decided after a hard fault battle with myself to forgive her and move on. lucky for us both that was the right choice and since she has passed away i've never really been happy but that's life.
maybe someday I will find happiness again time will only tell. I can't assume to tell you if you made the right choice or not only you in your heart will know that but if you are 22 i'm guessing at your age you would most likely be better off to just try to move on with your life and I bet you will meet the right girl for you but I will tell you it's not healthy for you to dwell on your choice I assume you didn't make your decision in hast and try to remember we make our choice's the way they are suppose to be made so our life's turn out the way they should you may not believe that but I do. so the best of luck to you Bender...sign me a friend.. toolman
 

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