Anyone have any resources for helping adults with Autism cope and succeed in life?

Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum

Help Support Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum:

This site may earn a commission from merchant affiliate links, including eBay, Amazon, and others.

el Jay

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 16, 2012
Messages
284
Reaction score
9
Location
Near Philadelphia
Earlier this year, I went to a psychologist and finally got a formal diagnosis that includes autism spectrum without accompanying mental disability. Also general depression, anxiety, and panic disorder. This is something both myself and my mom have suspected for years, since I was a kid even. But the trouble I'm posting about here IS my mom.

While she has believed I do have Asperger's (or some other high-functioning autism), she is extremely inept at actually helping and supporting me with it. Now, that's not to say she doesn't help and support me; she just bought me a small condo earlier this year and has been financially helping me for years. But she's absolutely clueless in how to help me with problems that arise from the autism. Or more specifically, problems that the diagnosis of autism gives a concrete cause and justification for, for which she'd previously just call me lazy, or "just like my dad," or some other typical attack.

She has that two-sidedness about her, where on one hand she fully believes I do have autism to some extent, even though it barely if at all impacts my intelligence (I've consistently scored 130+ on IQ tests throughout my life), but on the other, she adamantly believes the best way to "help" me be more "normal" is to basically force me through "normal" things, like a square peg into a round hole. And whatever stress, anxiety, and depression it causes me, well, the things she's forcing me to do are things "everyone" does, so I can't complain, and have to deal with it. Keeping in mind that my complaint isn't that I have to deal with things that other adults do, but in HOW she goes about it, and how she talks to me about it.

We have fights all the time about this. If I try and approach her about how she handles her "support" of me, she thinks I'm being lazy and trying to get her to just acquiesce and basically support me the rest of my life while I sit around doing nothing. There's no middle ground in her mind, partially because of my dad being a lazy narcissist (which she then reads into anything I do that is at all similar to him). So the end result is that I can't rely on her for support or as someone to talk to, because even when I get her to shut up long enough to explain to her exactly what I need from her (in terms of emotional support), she just goes back on the offensive about how she's doing what she has to to help me, and if I don't want that help, I'm being just like my dad, who never did either.


ANYWAYS, that turned into a longer rant on my mom than I intended. My point in this topic was to see if anyone knows of any good links on resources for helping adults who suffer from autism and related issues cope with life. After my mom's visit earlier this year, it became clear that it is impossible for me to continue to have a relationship with her without giving her some resources to better understand how and why I am how I am. For having a son with autism and depression and anxiety, she's practically the poster child for one of those infographics you'd see on Facebook titled "What NOT to say/do to a person with autism/depression/anxiety."

It's pissed me off for a while that despite interacting with me like this, her story to her friends and whatnot is still that her son has Asperger's and it's been difficult and all that. Not in an attention-whoring way, mind you, but it still feels to me like "well, it wouldn't have had to be THIS hard if you'd ******* better educate yourself about how to better help me." Add to that, she also practically fetishizes autistic people by absolutely loving The Big Bang Theory, always talking about how she can see the cast as "[me] and [my] friends if [we] lived together."


I just need some way of getting her to understand just why I am how I am, or else I'm going to end up having to cut her out of my life, despite how much financial support she's given me. But if she doesn't change and realize that the fights we've had aren't 100% my fault, then that's all she deserves.
 
First I want to say not to use this recent diagnosis as an excuse. Don't label yourself. You are still the same person you were before, you just might be able to understand some things about yourself a little better.

As for resources. Check into support groups. They are usually around if you live in a bigger area. Maybe consider starting a group up yourself if there's not. You could learn a lot about yourself from other people with autism, at the very least give you somewhere to start. You can also check into ABA therapy. Applied Behavior Analysis basically helps you learn how to "react" to the world in a "normal" way. Some people love it, some people hate it. And of course, just read up on it. Read stories from people who have autism, the struggles, the successes, how they did it. They are everywhere, you just have to look.
 
TheRealCallie said:
First I want to say not to use this recent diagnosis as an excuse.  Don't label yourself.  You are still the same person you were before, you just might be able to understand some things about yourself a little better.  

As for resources.  Check into support groups.  They are usually around if you live in a bigger area.  Maybe consider starting a group up yourself if there's not.  You could learn a lot about yourself from other people with autism, at the very least give you somewhere to start.  You can also check into ABA therapy.  Applied Behavior Analysis basically helps you learn how to "react" to the world in a "normal" way. Some people love it, some people hate it.  And of course, just read up on it.  Read stories from people who have autism, the struggles, the successes, how they did it.  They are everywhere, you just have to look.

It's not that I'm trying to label myself necessarily. This is more about my mom than it is about me. She's always trying to make me be "normal." She literally uses that word all the time in our arguments. If there's something I do that she doesn't like, but is nonetheless harmless, she'll fight me about it, and if I try and argue back and request she explain why I should change, she will just spout the response "because it's what NORMAL people do!" Things like staying up late and waking up late if I don't have work early in the morning, or the fact I spend most of my time at home in my room instead of "all around the house," because sitting in the living room watching tv is SO different (and I live alone, so there aren't even roommates to socialize with).

She always talks about me to others as her "son with Asperger's" (when it comes up, at least), and loves media that portray people with social problems (e.g. The Big Bang Theory), yet when it comes to actually dealing with, supporting, and helping ME, the actual person who has these problems, it's always "be more like NORMAL people!" It's all about making me be "normal" and what "normal" people do and insisting on helping me like a "normal" person. And any attempt by me to point out that handling it like that (never mind the effect of always talking about "normal") gets me accused of trying to be lazy, or avoiding dealing with problems, or [insert generic "I'm right and you're wrong" line here].
 
Could you give a better example of why she's accusing you of being lazy or avoiding problems? Do you work or study? Why is she saying those things, can you tell us?

Asperger's is the most high functioning area of the spectrum, except for some extreme anxiety in regards to changes and some bluntness boarding rudeness, to the rest of the world you're just an intelligent person so any issues are probably more root of your depression than anything else.
 
Hi el Jay, I'm sorry you are going through this.  Sometimes people are just doing the best they know how.  You said your mom has been supporting you financially. Have you thought that she may be doing what she thinks is best for you?  Maybe consider asking your mother if she would be willing to go to counseling with you.  Maybe they could help the both of you understand what both of you need to have a healthy relationship.  There is a website that has many different articles on special needs.  It talks a lot about raising children on the autism spectrum but maybe there might be some helpful information for you and your mom. Don't give up.  There is still hope that you and your mom can have a good relationship.  Wishing you the best.
 
DarkSelene said:
Could you give a better example of why she's accusing you of being lazy or avoiding problems? Do you work or study? Why is she saying those things, can you tell us?

Asperger's is the most high functioning area of the spectrum, except for some extreme anxiety in regards to changes and some bluntness boarding rudeness, to the rest of the world you're just an intelligent person so any issues are probably more root of your depression than anything else.
The examples I gave are the best ones, really. She always takes issue with the fact I tend to stay up late and sleep late on days it doesn't matter, even though it doesn't negatively affect anything. That one in particular I think is because my dad does too and anything that reminds her of him irritates her, but she still ties it in to her "normal" tirades. I can only assume she says these things because she thinks the behaviors she responds to are inherently a bad, negative thing she doesn't want in my life, so I act more "normal." And she always says it with the most exasperated tone of "why the fresia can't you understand this?!" in her voice.

I guess what is at the heart of this complaint is that, these sorts of things are how I live, and how I enjoy living (compared to the alternatives she tries to force on me). As you said yourself, change does give me a lot of anxiety, and mentally tires me out. So why should I change things about how I live just to suit how SHE thinks I need to live? Why can't she understand that these things are just how I live and how I am, and while they may not be how she lives or would want to live, or indeed not how "normal" people live, it's still MY life and I'm not living to serve her ideas of how I "should" live?

But yet, I try to explain this to her, and all she responds is something along the lines of "people just don't live like that. They don't stay up late and wake up late. You can't live like that." ******* hell, it pisses me off to even type this honeysuckle out.



foreverbeach11 said:
Hi el Jay, I'm sorry you are going through this.  Sometimes people are just doing the best they know how.  You said your mom has been supporting you financially. Have you thought that she may be doing what she thinks is best for you?  Maybe consider asking your mother if she would be willing to go to counseling with you.  Maybe they could help the both of you understand what both of you need to have a healthy relationship.  There is a website that has many different articles on special needs.  It talks a lot about raising children on the autism spectrum but maybe there might be some helpful information for you and your mom. Don't give up.  There is still hope that you and your mom can have a good relationship.  Wishing you the best.

I'm positive she's doing what she thinks is best for me. To the point that she absolutely won't hear otherwise. If I try to point out ways she could better help me with things and that some of the ways she tries to (in her mind) help me actually cause me a lot of stress and anxiety, she blasts back that I'm just being lazy and want her off my back, or that she's just trying to help and I just have to live with that and not dare question her.

Case in point: I at one point tried to explain exactly why the way she forces "help" on me if I come to her wanting to talk to a problem actually caused me even more anxiety and made things worse. See, if I want to talk to her about a problem, what I often want is just a friendly ear to talk to. I don't necessarily want or need advice on how to "fix" the problem. Sometimes I already know what to do, but I just need some moral support or even just to talk. But she insists on taking an argumentative approach. I've explained to her "when I tell you a problem, I mostly need someone to talk to, and some reassurance to give me the support to handle it myself," but she literally told me what amounts to "I'm not going to just listen to you, if you tell me a problem, I will tell you how to fix it and make sure you know you can't just let it go and ignore it, and if you don't like that, too bad, because it's what I'm going to do." That may sound like a dramatization or hyperbole, but I absolutely guarantee it is not. She also questioned the value in "just talking to her" and not expecting her to "fix" things.

If I need to go somewhere new and I'm anxious, she'll tell me "you need to do this, people go new places every day." Not in a supportive or reassuring way, but in a strained "you can't just not do it" way, as though I was asking her permission to not go. If I'm stressed from work and tell her, she'll just dismiss it saying "that's how everyone feels, unless you're rich you just have to live with it." If there's something I need to do that I haven't done yet because I feel overwhelmed, she gets mad at me for being lazy and not doing it.

Hell, even if I tell her something positive, or something I'm looking forward to, she'll often find some aspect of it to worry about. Something that could go wrong, or a way I could mess it up, and that's all she'll talk about. I'll be like "hey mom, [positive thing] is gonna happen," and her response would be "oh, be careful of x and y, and don't do z, I'm worried about you!" Now, I do understand the logic in this, she wants to help protect me from possible bad things or failure or whatnot. But all this does is cause me needless anxiety and causes me to feel bad and distressed about something that should make me feel excited and looking forward to something (and was, until I told her and she ruined it). This is something I have explicitly explained to her over the years and she absolutely refuses to back down, stating she won't not do that so I won't blame her if things do go wrong and she didn't say anything (apparently this happened when I was a little kid at times, or so she said once).

So my solution has been just not to tell her stuff. Especially good things. I just keep it all to myself, all inside, not letting it out, because I don't really have anyone but her I can talk to. My dad is too self-centered (her criticisms of him are generally 100% accurate), and my friend, who I've mentioned on occasion here, has things harder in life (he has asperger's too and has struggled more with coping than I have, including having a lot more learning difficulties), so I can't really complain to him about things when he has them even worse.


This all ties into my diagnosis because it gives an actual reason for why I struggle so much with a lot of things, why I live like I do (or rather, why I don't want to change it just because she worries it's not "normal" enough), and it just in general provides a concrete justification for so much of the stuff I've tried explaining to her over the years. As horrible as this will sound, I want to use the diagnosis as a club to beat the idea into her that all of this stuff I've been talking about here has made my life worse and caused me so much more stress and anxiety, that she's wrong about how she goes about a lot of things when interacting with me. It's going to be an argument with her no matter what, and I need to ensure it's an argument that she will lose, badly. She doesn't get to go around telling friends about how her son has Asperger's, and liking the Big Bang Theory because "the characters remind her of me and my friends," and then go and completely mishandle how she actually interacts with me because "she wants me to be 'normal'" and "she knows what I need to hear."

(Btw, I did once insist she come to a psych appointment with me when we were arguing one day, but she refused. Probably not the best time to suggest the idea, but I somehow feel she would refuse anyways. And there's very little chance to even do such a thing, since she lives on the other side of the world and only visits for a few weeks once a year usually.)
 

Latest posts

Back
Top