Lonely and...I guess I'm abused

Hi ALL friends,

I'm Miriam. I'm 50 years old. I've been in an abusive relationship for the last 5.5 years.

That first sentence took me nearly an hour to type out.

I met the bf in 2013. He is many years younger than I, unemployed, lazy, irresponsible...but very passionate and loving when he wants to be.

I know, I'm a sucker, I'm being used. But he can be so caring and maybe...oh, I'm so lonely...it's rough.

We are living off my disability income, he's on social security (welfare). He told me back in 2014 that if ever I needed him to get a job he would.

I asked him in June 2018 to get a job...he said he was never going to ever work again, even if I needed him to. He said his goal in life was to be a bum on welfare until he was old and grey. 

He routinely calls me names, swears at me, makes fun of me and gives me the silent treatment for days. I know he's abusive. Why can't I leave??? (good question)

Our rental lease ends in the spring of 2019 and that is my exit strategy. You see, I pay 95% of our bills with my disability check, and I'm broke... and whereas I was debt-free when I met him, I'm now over 20k in the red. We have 6 pets together.  I LOVE my pets. He routinely ignores and neglects them. The brunt of the work and expense is on my shoulders...so I'm kind of stuck here. I refuse to leave my pets to live in a shelter. I've seen him overly aggressive with the pets and I don't trust him with them, so I WON'T leave them behind.

My only hope is to save whatever money I can over the next 6 months, tolerate the abuse, and then rent a trailer, load the pets in and leave. He has told me he will never move out.

Anyway...it's a very lonely place to be. No friends or family...I'm just looking for some positivity. 

Thanks,
Miriam

Reading all this posts of abusive boyfriends leave me wondering about the reason I can't get a normal girl to like me.

Hold on these months and save every dollar you can. He isn't worth the time,  you should have left him at the moment he said that he will work when you have asked him. That aren't the words of a man, get the hell out of there as soon as possible

Run. Get the hell out. And sever all ties. It will take a long time to rebuild your self-esteem and ability to trust/enjoy other people again. But you will get there. And you will be stronger. Never look back. He's gonna kill your soul from the inside out, if you stay.

Who has the lease? You, him or both of you?
If it's you, kick him out. Or if you're concerned about that, the next time he abuses you, call the cops. Get a restraining order. Do whatever you have to do, but please don't wait.

Unix said:

Reading all this posts of abusive boyfriends leave me wondering about the reason I can't get a normal girl to like me.

Hold on these months and save every dollar you can. He isn't worth the time,  you should have left him at the moment he said that he will work when you have asked him. That aren't the words of a man, get the hell out of there as soon as possible

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Hi Unix,

I've come into contact with so many men who are so hot and cold and abusive. I'm sure it's not just a quality of men, I'm sure some women are abusive as well. It's hard to trust because when I met him he was wonderful. I fell in love with him and six months later he started to get moody, lost his job, showed all of his anger and started the hot and cold game with me. It coincided with me giving up my apartment and moving in with him. I feel like he strategically waited to unmask himself until I didn't have the means to leave him. I had to pay a hefty fee to break my lease and was reliant on living at his apartment. So I felt trapped and I guess with the hot and cold behaviour, I became tolerant to the abuse. As sick as it sounds, I have always had great hope that he will see that I am worth him manning up and stopping his childish anger. I know that I can't change anyone, I just wanted so badly for him to be the man I fell in love with.

And of course, because I started to support us, I never found any extra money to actually leave. As soon as I had a little savings, something with the car or the pets happened.

I know I'm a slow learner, but I'm finally at the point where I am hiding money and I know that my chance to break free cleanly will be in the spring. I'm sacrificing things like going to the dentist and the eye doctor so that I can have some savings for when the time comes.

bleed_the_freak said:

Run. Get the hell out. And sever all ties. It will take a long time to rebuild your self-esteem and ability to trust/enjoy other people again. But you will get there. And you will be stronger. Never look back. He's gonna kill your soul from the inside out, if you stay.

Click to expand...

Thanks for the advice. I feel like my spirit is already broken at times. It seems when I finally am able to build up my courage to break things up with him, I somehow weaken. I can't handle anger and hostility, it creates sometimes crippling anxiety in me. I feel like if I just wait a little longer, he'll come around and my emotions will be restored and I won't feel that fear anymore if that makes any sense.

This seems pathetic, but I also figure that if I just take the blame for everything, the harmony will be restored and I won't have that anxiety. It's a catch 22 though because it creates even more anxiety. I guess because I'm so isolated, I feel like the only person who can make me feel loved again is him, yet he's the one who made me feel discarded. That's how is messes up my emotions and my ability to think clearly. And I know that's why I stayed in the relationship this long. I'm trying hard to get stronger physically and emotionally so that I enforce the boundaries I keep setting then breaking.

Miriam1966 said:

bleed_the_freak said:

Run. Get the hell out. And sever all ties. It will take a long time to rebuild your self-esteem and ability to trust/enjoy other people again. But you will get there. And you will be stronger. Never look back. He's gonna kill your soul from the inside out, if you stay.

Click to expand...

Thanks for the advice. I feel like my spirit is already broken at times. It seems when I finally am able to build up my courage to break things up with him, I somehow weaken. I can't handle anger and hostility, it creates sometimes crippling anxiety in me. I feel like if I just wait a little longer, he'll come around and my emotions will be restored and I won't feel that fear anymore if that makes any sense.

This seems pathetic, but I also figure that if I just take the blame for everything, the harmony will be restored and I won't have that anxiety. It's a catch 22 though because it creates even more anxiety. I guess because I'm so isolated, I feel like the only person who can make me feel loved again is him, yet he's the one who made me feel discarded. That's how is messes up my emotions and my ability to think clearly. And I know that's why I stayed in the relationship this long. I'm trying hard to get stronger physically and emotionally so that I enforce the boundaries I keep setting then breaking.

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I've been there.  I know how it feels.  But here's the thing, you can't get stronger while you are with him. Right now, you are in denial.  It doesn't matter what you do or don't do, he will find a reason to abuse you.

TheRealCallie said:

Who has the lease?  You, him or both of you?
If it's you, kick him out.  Or if you're concerned about that, the next time he abuses you, call the cops.  Get a restraining order. Do whatever you have to do, but please don't wait.

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Hi TheRealCallie,

The lease is in both of our names. That's why he told me a year ago that he refuses to leave. Plus he tries to guilt me by saying he can't get by without my help. I made the HUGE mistake in 2017 of agreeing to sign a 2 year lease renewal...it's been a very long wait so far. But I can see the light at the end of the tunnel now. Like I said, I have 6 pets and I won't leave them behind, so I have to have some kind of savings to be able to leave with them. I've already decided that I can leave all of my furniture behind if I have to, but not the pets.

I got close last March and told him it was over and he had to move out. He agreed to it and actually started to look for apartments. We live in a rural area and he doesn't even drive. He relies on me for all of that. I think he realized that on his welfare check, he can't afford to live alone so that's when he really put on the charm and we had a few good months together. That's when he told me again that he was never leaving me and when I realized that the only way I can get away from him is if I leave. 

It's such a lonely place to be. I'm so glad I found this forum. I'm currently being given the silent treatment and it's excruciating having no adult to interact with and talk to.

I do appreciate your advice and I'm not dissing it whatsoever. I thought about calling the police when he got abusive, but what am I going to say? "He called me an effing c*nt and said he hated me then didn't talk to me and ignored his responsibilities and the pets for two days"...I almost wish I had a bruise to show them, the bruises are all on the inside, and I feel like I can't get any help because the wounds aren't visible. I even called a woman's help line and the standard advice was "go to a shelter"...this is just not realistic, it's ideal, but not realistic. I feel all on my own so I built this secret exit strategy and I'm trying hard to just keep the peace until then.

Don't call the police - yet. Make a written record of all those things that he does or say to you like that. Then get the hell out of there and to a refuge for abused partners / women / men. You don't deserve this. You deserve a peaceful loving life.

PaulE said:

Don't call the police - yet. Make a written record of all those things that he does or say to you like that. Then get the hell out of there and to a refuge for abused partners / women / men. You don't deserve this. You deserve a peaceful loving life.

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Thanks PaulE, I know I don't deserve it but I refuse to leave my pets behind. Firstly on his welfare check, he won't be able to afford to feed them and I fear he will neglect them or try to sell them. It's a dilemna. If I didn't have them, I'd have been gone long ago. I have everything documented on video that I've uploaded to a safe storage site. As soon as I have enough money to leave with the pets, I'll be gone. Until then, I'm so glad I have some support and real adults to talk to, via this forum that is.

Hi, Miriam! I'm sorry you're experiencing all of this. Five and a half years is a long time to experience abuse in a relationship.  My heart goes out to you. Abuse is not normal. A healthy relationship is one in which you feel safe and which has no physical, emotional or verbal abuse. It’s important to ask for help as soon as possible. Is there anyone to reach out to? A counselor, mentor, doctor, neighbor? If you attend a local church, reach out to them for help. Make some calls and find someone who can give you some support. In the meantime, set clear boundaries about what you both consider appropriate interactions with each other. Be clear and consistent about voicing your concern when you believe that line has been crossed. I would also suggest praying about it. Sometimes we forget just how powerful prayer is. Don’t give up and don’t lose heart. This will turnaround for you!

You're very welcome. We are here for you. I hope you can find the strength to do what you need to do.

In the meantime reach out to as many people and organisations in your neighbourhood as you can.

I've been in your situation and understand how scared and lonely it feels so sending you love and hugs, but meanwhile on a practical note, is there an animal shelter you could approach and ask for them to give temporary shelter for your pets until you find yourself somewhere else to live and could have them back again?

Hi Miriam,
Thank you for sharing bits of your life with us. It must have been very hard to do, but by saying it, and sharing it, shows that you are strong and brave!

I'd hate to see you wait until the Spring, but I understand not wanting to leave your pets. Maybe you can find a local support group to go to while still with him, he doesn't have to know where you are going.

You don't deserve any of the things he does and says, and just please remember that you ARE NOT what he says you are.

Please continue to reach out to us, try to find a local support group and please stay safe.

Miriam1966 said:

bleed_the_freak said:

Run. Get the hell out. And sever all ties. It will take a long time to rebuild your self-esteem and ability to trust/enjoy other people again. But you will get there. And you will be stronger. Never look back. He's gonna kill your soul from the inside out, if you stay.

Click to expand...

Thanks for the advice. I feel like my spirit is already broken at times. It seems when I finally am able to build up my courage to break things up with him, I somehow weaken. I can't handle anger and hostility, it creates sometimes crippling anxiety in me. I feel like if I just wait a little longer, he'll come around and my emotions will be restored and I won't feel that fear anymore if that makes any sense.

This seems pathetic, but I also figure that if I just take the blame for everything, the harmony will be restored and I won't have that anxiety. It's a catch 22 though because it creates even more anxiety. I guess because I'm so isolated, I feel like the only person who can make me feel loved again is him, yet he's the one who made me feel discarded. That's how is messes up my emotions and my ability to think clearly. And I know that's why I stayed in the relationship this long. I'm trying hard to get stronger physically and emotionally so that I enforce the boundaries I keep setting then breaking.

Click to expand...

Don't feel pathetic. 

I was in an abusive (mentally and emotionally) relationship with the mother of my child. Yes, I'm a man and was systematically used and abused by a woman to the point of crippling depression. It took me years to recover. But I did and I'm stronger than ever. You have to get away to rebuild yourself. Trust me. You can do it.

Is fascinating how women can love someone who abuses them. Perhaps I need to become more abusive (just kidding, don't take it seriously).

If there wasn't a physical danger I would tell you to break your relationship immediately but since he is so bad tempered maybe is better to wait, and record everything. 

As for the pets is fine, be more selfish. You are more important than them

Hi Miriam hope your ok.I can understand the issue with your pets having my own they are like kids you have to look after them.Keep talking to people that could help though it would be great to find a solution it could just be round the corner .

trulycommitted said:

Hi, Miriam! I'm sorry you're experiencing all of this. Five and a half years is a long time to experience abuse in a relationship.  My heart goes out to you. Abuse is not normal. A healthy relationship is one in which you feel safe and which has no physical, emotional or verbal abuse. It’s important to ask for help as soon as possible. Is there anyone to reach out to? A counselor, mentor, doctor, neighbor? If you attend a local church, reach out to them for help. Make some calls and find someone who can give you some support. In the meantime, set clear boundaries about what you both consider appropriate interactions with each other. Be clear and consistent about voicing your concern when you believe that line has been crossed. I would also suggest praying about it. Sometimes we forget just how powerful prayer is. Don’t give up and don’t lose heart. This will turnaround for you!

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Thank you very much. I pray a lot. It does help. Going for walks in the woods with the dogs helps a lot too. And no, there is nobody to reach out to here. I did call a woman's hot line, but their standard response is go to a shelter and then seek therapy. I know that's all they can offer, but it doesn't work for me. I can't afford therapy either. He's alienated all of the neighbours too. Worst case, I can see my doctor, he could refer me to a shrink, but I've gone that route too and I don't find it very helpful.

But...I did set a boundary last night and stuck to it despite his childish behaviour! Coming on this forum and talking about things has actually given me some confidence, so thank you!

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PaulE said:

You're very welcome. We are here for you. I hope you can find the strength to do what you need to do.

In the meantime reach out to as many people and organisations in your neighbourhood as you can.

Click to expand...

Thanks PaulE. I appreciate it.

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Jently said:

I've been in your situation and understand how scared and lonely it feels so sending you love and hugs,  but meanwhile on a practical note, is there an animal shelter you could approach and ask for them to give temporary shelter for your pets until you find yourself somewhere else to live and could have them back again?

Click to expand...

Thanks Jently! I appreciate the hugs! AND your advice. 

I actually adopted 4 of the 6 pets from a local shelter on a foster care program and they shut down last winter!! The closest shelter would be about an hour away. But my heart can't do that anyway, they were all abandoned and I couldn't do that to them, even if it were for 6 months. Having them at home with me until I can move really helps my spirit and I feel their love. Taking care of them helps me feel normal!  I'm really stuck here until the end of the lease. Unless I have visible bruises, I can't claim domestic abuse to break the lease legally. If I just up and leave, then I'm facing a possible lawsuit for breaking the lease, it's frustrating.

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Danielle said:

Hi Miriam,
   Thank you for sharing bits of your life with us.  It must have been very hard to do, but by saying it, and sharing it, shows that you are strong and brave!

I'd hate to see you wait until the Spring, but I understand not wanting to leave your pets.   Maybe you can find a local support group to go to while still with him, he doesn't have to know where you are going.  

You don't deserve any of the things he does and says, and just please remember that you ARE NOT what he says you are.

Please continue to reach out to us, try to find a local support group and please stay safe.

Click to expand...

Thanks Danielle, that's very nice. I got to a point during the summer where I was questioning if everything he was saying about me was right. I even thought...maybe I'M THE ABUSIVE ONE. That's how crazy the emotional abuse is, it's like psychological warfare.

Oh gosh I wish I had a way to leave earlier...but spring it shall be. And yes, it was very hard to share everything. I'm always feeling ashamed that I got myself into this situation. I know it's not my fault, but I do take responsibility for not leaving sooner. And actually this forum has become my support group and I'm very thankful!

bleed_the_freak said:

Miriam1966 said:

bleed_the_freak said:

Run. Get the hell out. And sever all ties. It will take a long time to rebuild your self-esteem and ability to trust/enjoy other people again. But you will get there. And you will be stronger. Never look back. He's gonna kill your soul from the inside out, if you stay.

Click to expand...

Thanks for the advice. I feel like my spirit is already broken at times. It seems when I finally am able to build up my courage to break things up with him, I somehow weaken. I can't handle anger and hostility, it creates sometimes crippling anxiety in me. I feel like if I just wait a little longer, he'll come around and my emotions will be restored and I won't feel that fear anymore if that makes any sense.

This seems pathetic, but I also figure that if I just take the blame for everything, the harmony will be restored and I won't have that anxiety. It's a catch 22 though because it creates even more anxiety. I guess because I'm so isolated, I feel like the only person who can make me feel loved again is him, yet he's the one who made me feel discarded. That's how is messes up my emotions and my ability to think clearly. And I know that's why I stayed in the relationship this long. I'm trying hard to get stronger physically and emotionally so that I enforce the boundaries I keep setting then breaking.

Click to expand...

Don't feel pathetic. 

I was in an abusive (mentally and emotionally) relationship with the mother of my child. Yes, I'm a man and was systematically used and abused by a woman to the point of crippling depression. It took me years to recover. But I did and I'm stronger than ever. You have to get away to rebuild yourself. Trust me. You can do it.

Click to expand...

I know that men can be in abusive relationships too, it's definitely not just a problem for women. I'm sorry you went through that, you know how awful it can be. And I'm sure you also know that it's not like that 100% of the time and during the good times, you just forgive too easily!  I know I can't start to really heal until there is absolutely no contact, and I'm working on that every day until this spring. Thanks for your words of encouragement!

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Unix said:

Is fascinating how women can love someone who abuses them. Perhaps I need to become more abusive (just kidding, don't take it seriously).

If there wasn't a physical danger I would tell you to break your relationship immediately but since he is so bad tempered maybe is better to wait, and record everything. 

As for the pets is fine, be more selfish. You are more important than them

Click to expand...

Hi Unix, thanks for saying you were just kidding...when I read your first two sentences, my heart sank actually. Just want to be clear though, I didn't fall in love with the abuser, he was wonderful for the first 6-8 months. I guess I'm always hoping that person will come back permanently. I'd say 75% of the time he's the man I fell in love with, then that 25% of the time he's Mr. Hyde. I've been so degraded and bullied by him during that 25% of the time that I just feel like I can tolerate it to get the man I love back. It messes with my heart and my mind.

If I felt physical danger, I'd call the cops and I'd be gone. Unfortunately since I have no bruises, nobody takes me seriously...nobody meaning the police or the courts. If I take off and break the lease, I can be sued for non payment - even if I have documentation of emotional abuse. The system fails me there.

Joturbo said:

Hi Miriam hope your ok.I can understand the issue with your pets having my own they are like kids you have to look after them.Keep talking to people that could help though it would be great to find a solution it could just be round the corner .

Click to expand...

Thanks Joturbo. Today I'm okay. He was apologetic and remorseful yesterday. Though my heart is still hurting, at least life is tolerable right now. Thanks for understanding the pet situation. It's true they are like kids, they need me and I need them too!