Miriam1966
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- Oct 7, 2018
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Hi Friends,
I've mentioned in my introductory post that I'm in an emotionally abusive relationship of 5 1/2 years now. I have a plan to move on next spring when I can afford to leave with my pets. I'm squirreling away money and trying my best not to make waves but it's really tough to tolerate this.
It's the anger. It comes out of nowhere. Yesterday I said something that I thought was just conversation and he flew off the handle. Anger and impatience and accusations and calling me selfish and manipulative...all I said was that I'd like the dogs to hang out with us on the porch. He perceived something in his twisted mind and verbally attacked me. Then I got the silent treatment, still to this moment as I type...it's been nearly 24 hours since he yelled at me.
This morning, in order to keep the peace and to try to help my shattered emotions, I went into his office (he slept there last night), and I fake apologized, taking the full blame for his anger. He wouldn't even acknowledge that I was there. Staring blankly at his computer. I tried to hug him and he pushed me away and yelled that he was tired, he wanted to sleep. I can't express how deeply this stung.
More anger even when I'm groveling. It's hard to take. I keep telling myself I can handle it, I can be strong, I can just ignore him...then when I wake up alone and in silence, I feel like a broken woman and I just long for his comfort. It's a sick situation. I think he likes me begging for his attention. I feel like I can tolerate this abuse for the few crumbs of love he throws my way and I hate myself for being in this situation.
I KNOW I'm a nice person, patient, loving, caring, empathetic and responsible...why does he treat me like his punching bag? Why does he just throw his anger at me? I know these are probably rhetorical questions...I'm sure he's miserable and full of self-hatred...but he never talks about his emotions. I feel like no matter what I say, I'll be met with anger.
It makes me walk on eggshells and causes horrible anxiety all the time. It makes me think twice about being myself with him. It's a horrible situation because even when I make the decision not to rock the boat, to immediately take blame for everything and to give quick apologies as sincere as I can, he STILL becomes abusive, angry and gives me the silent treatment.
It's a no win situation.
Then the game starts...when I start to distance myself and pull away, he becomes my knight in shining armour again and I fall for it every time. Then the abuse cycle starts all over again. We can't seem to go more than 21 days without his abusive side coming out.
After five and a half years of this, I'm trying my best to pull away and set my boundaries with him. The spring can't come quickly enough. My lease will be over, I'll have enough money to bring the pets with me and I can finally leave him and have no contact. Then my healing will begin.
My biggest fear is that he will somehow manipulate my emotions into thinking that he's changed and that he's a good person afterall and I'll fall for it again. It's a very lonely place.
I don't know if I am asking for advice, support or just venting...but thanks to anyone who read this.
I've mentioned in my introductory post that I'm in an emotionally abusive relationship of 5 1/2 years now. I have a plan to move on next spring when I can afford to leave with my pets. I'm squirreling away money and trying my best not to make waves but it's really tough to tolerate this.
It's the anger. It comes out of nowhere. Yesterday I said something that I thought was just conversation and he flew off the handle. Anger and impatience and accusations and calling me selfish and manipulative...all I said was that I'd like the dogs to hang out with us on the porch. He perceived something in his twisted mind and verbally attacked me. Then I got the silent treatment, still to this moment as I type...it's been nearly 24 hours since he yelled at me.
This morning, in order to keep the peace and to try to help my shattered emotions, I went into his office (he slept there last night), and I fake apologized, taking the full blame for his anger. He wouldn't even acknowledge that I was there. Staring blankly at his computer. I tried to hug him and he pushed me away and yelled that he was tired, he wanted to sleep. I can't express how deeply this stung.
More anger even when I'm groveling. It's hard to take. I keep telling myself I can handle it, I can be strong, I can just ignore him...then when I wake up alone and in silence, I feel like a broken woman and I just long for his comfort. It's a sick situation. I think he likes me begging for his attention. I feel like I can tolerate this abuse for the few crumbs of love he throws my way and I hate myself for being in this situation.
I KNOW I'm a nice person, patient, loving, caring, empathetic and responsible...why does he treat me like his punching bag? Why does he just throw his anger at me? I know these are probably rhetorical questions...I'm sure he's miserable and full of self-hatred...but he never talks about his emotions. I feel like no matter what I say, I'll be met with anger.
It makes me walk on eggshells and causes horrible anxiety all the time. It makes me think twice about being myself with him. It's a horrible situation because even when I make the decision not to rock the boat, to immediately take blame for everything and to give quick apologies as sincere as I can, he STILL becomes abusive, angry and gives me the silent treatment.
It's a no win situation.
Then the game starts...when I start to distance myself and pull away, he becomes my knight in shining armour again and I fall for it every time. Then the abuse cycle starts all over again. We can't seem to go more than 21 days without his abusive side coming out.
After five and a half years of this, I'm trying my best to pull away and set my boundaries with him. The spring can't come quickly enough. My lease will be over, I'll have enough money to bring the pets with me and I can finally leave him and have no contact. Then my healing will begin.
My biggest fear is that he will somehow manipulate my emotions into thinking that he's changed and that he's a good person afterall and I'll fall for it again. It's a very lonely place.
I don't know if I am asking for advice, support or just venting...but thanks to anyone who read this.