His Anger

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Miriam1966

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Hi Friends,

I've mentioned in my introductory post that I'm in an emotionally abusive relationship of 5 1/2 years now. I have a plan to move on next spring when I can afford to leave with my pets. I'm squirreling away money and trying my best not to make waves but it's really tough to tolerate this.

It's the anger. It comes out of nowhere. Yesterday I said something that I thought was just conversation and he flew off the handle. Anger and impatience and accusations and calling me selfish and manipulative...all I said was that I'd like the dogs to hang out with us on the porch. He perceived something in his twisted mind and verbally attacked me. Then I got the silent treatment, still to this moment as I type...it's been nearly 24 hours since he yelled at me.

This morning, in order to keep the peace and to try to help my shattered emotions, I went into his office (he slept there last night), and I fake apologized, taking the full blame for his anger. He wouldn't even acknowledge that I was there. Staring blankly at his computer. I tried to hug him and he pushed me away and yelled that he was tired, he wanted to sleep. I can't express how deeply this stung.

More anger even when I'm groveling. It's hard to take. I keep telling myself I can handle it, I can be strong, I can just ignore him...then when I wake up alone and in silence, I feel like a broken woman and I just long for his comfort. It's a sick situation. I think he likes me begging for his attention. I feel like I can tolerate this abuse for the few crumbs of love he throws my way and I hate myself for being in this situation.

I KNOW I'm a nice person, patient, loving, caring, empathetic and responsible...why does he treat me like his punching bag? Why does he just throw his anger at me? I know these are probably rhetorical questions...I'm sure he's miserable and full of self-hatred...but he never talks about his emotions. I feel like no matter what I say, I'll be met with anger.

It makes me walk on eggshells and causes horrible anxiety all the time. It makes me think twice about being myself with him. It's a horrible situation because even when I make the decision not to rock the boat, to immediately take blame for everything and to give quick apologies as sincere as I can, he STILL becomes abusive, angry and gives me the silent treatment.

It's a no win situation.

Then the game starts...when I start to distance myself and pull away, he becomes my knight in shining armour again and I fall for it every time. Then the abuse cycle starts all over again. We can't seem to go more than 21 days without his abusive side coming out.

After five and a half years of this, I'm trying my best to pull away and set my boundaries with him. The spring can't come quickly enough. My lease will be over, I'll have enough money to bring the pets with me and I can finally leave him and have no contact. Then my healing will begin.

My biggest fear is that he will somehow manipulate my emotions into thinking that he's changed and that he's a good person afterall and I'll fall for it again. It's a very lonely place.

I don't know if I am asking for advice, support or just venting...but thanks to anyone who read this.
 
His hold on you is all part of the abuse, convincing you that it is your fault and you need him.
It isn't and you don't. Write all the abusive comments, threats, name-calling and rages down and get the hell out of there to a place of safety.. Whilst you no doubt love your pets, you must, absolutely must, put your physical safety and mental well being first.
 
PaulE said:
His hold on you is all part of the abuse, convincing you that it is your fault and you need him.
It isn't and you don't. Write all the abusive comments, threats, name-calling and rages down and get the hell out of there to a place of safety.. Whilst you no doubt love your pets, you must, absolutely must, put  your physical safety and mental well being first.

I do appreciate that advice PaulE, really I do. But I just can't leave them behind...he's been aggressive with them in the past and I need to protect them. They are my family. We adopted them all from shelters and I love them to bits, it would be like asking a mother to leave her children behind, that's how much I love them and want their happiness and safety as well. There are no shelters out there that will accept dogs and cats.

I wish I had a bullet proof vest of sorts, that I could wear around him when he starts being abusive to me. I'm just too sensitive and you're right that he does have a hold on me.

But honestly...after joining this site, and interacting with people, I'm feeling better, a little stronger. I just took a shower and I'm going to do some baking for myself. Usually I just have a depressing day and don't do much when he's being a pr*ck, but today I'm not allowing him to do that to me. I think that's a good step forward. 

He's miserable so he always wants to take me down with him it seems. I'm sorry if I sound like I'm resisting good advice, because it is very good advice, but my reality can't take that advice right now sadly.
 
Has he ever been physically intimidating toward you? Walking into your personal space in a threatening way? Grabbing you in a rage? Hitting or throwing things near you? Pushing you forcefully away? Threats or promises of violent actions? If so, you may be in actual danger. I know this all too well. My father and other people in my family were very abusive. I know the signs...
 
bleed_the_freak said:
Has he ever been physically intimidating toward you? Walking into your personal space in a threatening way? Grabbing you in a rage? Hitting or throwing things near you? Pushing you forcefully away? Threats or promises of violent actions? If so, you may be in actual danger. I know this all too well. My father and other people in my family were very abusive. I know the signs...

During our second year together, he pushed me physically twice off the couch in anger, he slammed a door in my face and it hit my hand. He also said during a fit of rage "I don't know what to do because I know I can't hit you, right?". He also got rough with one of the cats and dogs and I told him if he ever laid a hand on me or my pets again, I'd call the police on him.  (I know...I probably should have called the police back then, but I am always trying to restore the peace and forgive, give him another chance etc...to my detriment).

Since then, he has done nothing to threaten me or my pets physically. So it's just over three years since the last incident.

I think that one of the reasons he hides away from me is because his anger is so intense. He always says he'd rather give me the silent treatment than to say something he will regret. I can translate that into he'd rather give me the silent treatment than DO something he will regret. I don't think his main concern is that he's afraid of hitting me, he's just afraid of the consequence, i.e. being arrested. Because the things he says in anger, most people would regret saying immediately.

He has a bad anger problem and it comes and goes. When I start to feel secure again and let my guard down...feel loved and safe - BANG...out comes the anger. It causes a terrible emotional trauma and weakens me.  I asked him to see a doctor or go to therapy or at LEAST work on himself but he makes false promises and never does anything. He's had enough chances, he's going to lose me in the end.

I had an abusive upbringing as well, which makes this a double edged sword because I'm ashamed I found myself in this situation again.  :(  I think that's why I can't bring myself to letting anyone (in person) know what's going on.
 
I am very sad that you have to live like this. Thank you for sharing your story. I have been in your exact shoes before and the abuse will not go away unless he is willing to change and wants to do the hard work that it takes to change. I also grew up in an abusive household, so it's true that you know better but it still doesn't make it feel any better. I think that you have to make sure that you are safe at all costs at this point. Have you thought about seeing a marriage counselor? It could potentially put you both on track to healing and improving things. If he isn't willing, have you thought about counseling for yourself? My counselor helped me grow strong and taught me how to deal with the abusive people in my life. Communication is a skill that is learned, which means we can get better and better at it. Please take care of yourself, I am so sad with you. Hang in there.
 
cbgrace1980 said:
I am very sad that you have to live like this.  Thank you for sharing your story.  I have been in your exact shoes before and the abuse will not go away unless he is willing to change and wants to do the hard work that it takes to change.  I also grew up in an abusive household, so it's true that you know better but it still doesn't make it feel any better.  I think that you have to make sure that you are safe at all costs at this point.  Have you thought about seeing a marriage counselor?  It could potentially put you both on track to healing and improving things.  If he isn't willing, have you thought about counseling for yourself?  My counselor helped me grow strong and taught me how to deal with the abusive people in my life.  Communication is a skill that is learned, which means we can get better and better at it.  Please take care of yourself, I am so sad with you.  Hang in there.

Thanks cbgrace1980. He's not willing to change. He's said it. He lies about it but never follows through. It's all just words and no action. I asked him to go to counselling with me and he laughed hysterically. Then I asked him to go to counselling himself and he said he didn't trust doctors and therapists. I'm in a bit of a pickle here. I can't get free counselling in this area, I'm pretty rural and the closest place is a good hour+ drive away and I don't have the gas money as pathetic as that sounds. I can't afford paid counselling either.

I honestly and humbly believe I do know how to communicate, but he doesn't.  I've tried so many ways to speak to him but it's always taken out of context and my words are always twisted around. It's unbearable right now.
 
Miriam1966 said:
bleed_the_freak said:
Has he ever been physically intimidating toward you? Walking into your personal space in a threatening way? Grabbing you in a rage? Hitting or throwing things near you? Pushing you forcefully away? Threats or promises of violent actions? If so, you may be in actual danger. I know this all too well. My father and other people in my family were very abusive. I know the signs...

During our second year together, he pushed me physically twice off the couch in anger, he slammed a door in my face and it hit my hand. He also said during a fit of rage "I don't know what to do because I know I can't hit you, right?". He also got rough with one of the cats and dogs and I told him if he ever laid a hand on me or my pets again, I'd call the police on him.  (I know...I probably should have called the police back then, but I am always trying to restore the peace and forgive, give him another chance etc...to my detriment).

Since then, he has done nothing to threaten me or my pets physically. So it's just over three years since the last incident.

I think that one of the reasons he hides away from me is because his anger is so intense. He always says he'd rather give me the silent treatment than to say something he will regret. I can translate that into he'd rather give me the silent treatment than DO something he will regret. I don't think his main concern is that he's afraid of hitting me, he's just afraid of the consequence, i.e. being arrested. Because the things he says in anger, most people would regret saying immediately.

He has a bad anger problem and it comes and goes. When I start to feel secure again and let my guard down...feel loved and safe - BANG...out comes the anger. It causes a terrible emotional trauma and weakens me.  I asked him to see a doctor or go to therapy or at LEAST work on himself but he makes false promises and never does anything. He's had enough chances, he's going to lose me in the end.

I had an abusive upbringing as well, which makes this a double edged sword because I'm ashamed I found myself in this situation again.  :(  I think that's why I can't bring myself to letting anyone (in person) know what's going on.

The reason I asked those questions is because, as a youngster, I had some of those tendencies. And I know how dangerous I was before I grew up, got my head straight, and learned to impose boundaries on my own actions regarding other people. I never hurt anyone, but I know I came close. Do be careful. And make sure he understands that if he hurts you, you'll send his ass directly to the slammer.
 
bleed_the_freak said:
The reason I asked those questions is because, as a youngster, I had some of those tendencies. And I know how dangerous I was before I grew up, got my head straight, and learned to impose boundaries on my own actions regarding other people. I never hurt anyone, but I know I came close. Do be careful. And make sure he understands that if he hurts you, you'll send his ass directly to the slammer.

Thanks for bringing this up. And thanks for sharing that. Deep down I know he could be violent, but I also know that he doesn't want to be. That doesn't excuse any of his behaviour though. You can bet he knows I'll call the police on him if he lays a hand on me.
 
Miriam1966 said:
bleed_the_freak said:
The reason I asked those questions is because, as a youngster, I had some of those tendencies. And I know how dangerous I was before I grew up, got my head straight, and learned to impose boundaries on my own actions regarding other people. I never hurt anyone, but I know I came close. Do be careful. And make sure he understands that if he hurts you, you'll send his ass directly to the slammer.

Thanks for bringing this up. And thanks for sharing that. Deep down I know he could be violent, but I also know that he doesn't want to be. That doesn't excuse any of his behaviour though. You can bet he knows I'll call the police on him if he lays a hand on me.

I don't mean to sound patronizing, but remember, it doesn't matter what he "wants" or "doesn't want" to do. It matters what he does. Sometimes love just ain't enough. Love without respect is poison.
 
bleed_the_freak said:
Miriam1966 said:
bleed_the_freak said:
The reason I asked those questions is because, as a youngster, I had some of those tendencies. And I know how dangerous I was before I grew up, got my head straight, and learned to impose boundaries on my own actions regarding other people. I never hurt anyone, but I know I came close. Do be careful. And make sure he understands that if he hurts you, you'll send his ass directly to the slammer.

Thanks for bringing this up. And thanks for sharing that. Deep down I know he could be violent, but I also know that he doesn't want to be. That doesn't excuse any of his behaviour though. You can bet he knows I'll call the police on him if he lays a hand on me.

I don't mean to sound patronizing, but remember, it doesn't matter what he "wants" or "doesn't want" to do. It matters what he does. Sometimes love just ain't enough. Love without respect is poison.

You are NOT patronizing at all! You are very right. Actions mean more than words, and that is one of my mottos in life. Past behaviour will indicate future behaviour. I know that love doesn't conquer all, if only life were like Disney huh? :)
 

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