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Just.Shy

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Oct 7, 2018
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Hi,

This is my first time posting here. I'm so sad and lonely because I don't have a single person in my life who cares about me. The only person who I ever thought loved me was my ex partner, we were together for ten years but now he has ended things and living in a different country. He was out dating just three days after we broke up which has made me question the entire relationship, I had suspected that he was just with me for the sake of being in a relationship rather than for actually loving me. Now I know it must be true.

I have moved back in with my grandmother but she is a very cold and ucaring person after having a difficult upbringing, and one of her favourite past times is pitting people against each other  especially different family memebers. I moved out of my mothers home at 16 and have barely seen her since, I am now 33.

I have absolutely zero friends or even acquaintances, there is nobody I could even just grab a coffee or go shopping with. My life has always been like this. I had just a couple of time periods in primary school where I had a friend but was dumped. The same thing happened at secondary school. So basically I haven't had a single friend since I was 14.

I really feel like I am at breaking point now, I've never wanted to be super popular, but I really wish I could make just one or two meaningful friendships so I could appreciate life a bit more.
 
I'm sorry about your relationship ending and that he started to date so quickly...that has to hurt so much and I feel for you. Maybe you should cut all contact with him everywhere so you don't keep getting that pain from him moving on so fast?

It's hard to find good people for friendships as an adult in my opinion. People are too distracted or focused on work and their own lives to bother with making new friends. I don't know, maybe I'm a cynic. I prefer having no friends, it's easier on me just relying on myself. Though in times of difficulties, I do like having some online interaction with people, just to feel like I'm not so alone.
 
Just.Shy said:
Hi,

This is my first time posting here. I'm so sad and lonely because I don't have a single person in my life who cares about me. The only person who I ever thought loved me was my ex partner, we were together for ten years but now he has ended things and living in a different country. He was out dating just three days after we broke up which has made me question the entire relationship, I had suspected that he was just with me for the sake of being in a relationship rather than for actually loving me. Now I know it must be true.

I have moved back in with my grandmother but she is a very cold and ucaring person after having a difficult upbringing, and one of her favourite past times is pitting people against each other  especially different family memebers. I moved out of my mothers home at 16 and have barely seen her since, I am now 33.

I have absolutely zero friends or even acquaintances, there is nobody I could even just grab a coffee or go shopping with. My life has always been like this. I had just a couple of time periods in primary school where I had a friend but was dumped. The same thing happened at secondary school. So basically I haven't had a single friend since I was 14.

I really feel like I am at breaking point now, I've never wanted to be super popular, but I really wish I could make just one or two meaningful friendships so I could appreciate life a bit more.

After reading your story, I don't believe you should feel lonely in this world,  it may seem like that for many of us and for all different reasons, but I am more than sure you will find friends. This site has many good people that will support you and if you want to share how you feel, be free to send them a private email and I am sure you will receive the support..
 
Hi, Just.Shy. You probably are at a critical point in your life. 33 years old is past youth but before the onset of middle age and your social track record isn't exactly stellar. I speak as one who has lived years and years of social isolation (but who is doing a bit better on that) and I urge you to somehow break the pattern sometime soon. It isn't natural to be so alone. If it was me I'd start with moving away from the grandmother....she doesn't sound like a helpful influence.

I'm glad you found this forum; it can be a good place to ventilate one's distress and (sometimes) peoples' feedback can be a real eye opener.
 
I'm sorry you are feeling down. Is there someone at work or school that you have common interests with? Could you ask them if they wanted to grab lunch or coffee? Have you thought of volunteering in your community? That is a great way to meet others who share things in common with you. Is there a way you can move out on your own? Even a very small place of your own can be affordable. Somewhere near people your age, maybe where you could walk to a park or something? I'm sorry you've not had a lot of friends growing up but you can change that in your future!
 
Miriam1966 said:
I'm sorry about your relationship ending and that he started to date so quickly...that has to hurt so much and I feel for you. Maybe you should cut all contact with him everywhere so you don't keep getting that pain from him moving on so fast?

It's hard to find good people for friendships as an adult in my opinion. People are too distracted or focused on work and their own lives to bother with making new friends. I don't know, maybe I'm a cynic. I prefer having no friends, it's easier on me just relying on myself. Though in times of difficulties, I do like having some online interaction with people, just to feel like I'm not so alone.

Thank you for messaging, it was really hard losing him as he was really my only social companion. He actually meant more to me as a friend than anything but I spent all my time with him, and every Christmas we would always go to his family. I never thought it would go from that to nothing.
I'm a really shy person and struggle to make friends, I don't think I need much social interaction compared to most people, but just having a couple of people who care and want to socialise every so often would make my life feel so much more worthwhile.


constant stranger said:
Hi, Just.Shy.  You probably are at a critical point in your life.  33 years old is past youth but before the onset of middle age and your social track record isn't exactly stellar.  I speak as one who has lived years and years of social isolation (but who is doing a bit better on that) and I urge you to somehow break the pattern sometime soon.  It isn't natural to be so alone.  If it was me I'd start with moving away from the grandmother....she doesn't sound like a helpful influence.

I'm glad you found this forum; it can be a good place to ventilate one's distress and (sometimes) peoples' feedback can be a real eye opener.

Hi, thank you for your reply. I have tried to break the pattern of having nobody in the past by volunteering and studying and trying out new classes, but it always comes to nothing. I'm a very person and even when I try to talk more to people they still just seem to avoid me. I try to watch people, but I don't get how some people attract others when I just can't.
I think I should try to move out of my Grandmothers but I'm not able to do that financially yet.

I'm glad to hear that you are doing better now on the social situation. If you don't mind me asking, how come you lived in social isolation? And how did you change it?
 
chinaandback said:
I'm sorry you are feeling down. Is there someone at work or school that you have common interests with? Could you ask them if they wanted to grab lunch or coffee? Have you thought of volunteering in your community? That is a great way to meet others who share things in common with you. Is there a way you can move out on your own? Even a very small place of your own can be affordable. Somewhere near people your age, maybe where you could walk to a park or something? I'm sorry you've not had a lot of friends growing up but you can change that in your future!
Hi, thank you for your message and advice. I've been in my job a few months now but I'm really not close enough to anybody to ask to grab lunch or anything. People are not interested in me because I am so shy. Even before people talk to me, they seem to just not warm to me, it must just be etched into my face and my body language by now.
I volunteered for the Samaritans for a few years and really enjoyed it, but again didn't make any friends, it's just the same pattern everywhere that I go. At the moment I really can't afford anywhere else, and the only jobs that I manage to get are minimum wage, which maintains accommodation situation. This is another area of my life that I am really upset about and just can't seem to improve.
 
Just shy,

I recently quit my only social outlet. Church. I was on the womens group and I signed up for a lot of volunteer things that when the women there would let me pitch in and not push me away, I did try to stay busy with them. After over 3 years with these same people, I never fit in. I tried so hard. I tried to act like them and do the things they did. But in the end, I realized I am not like them.

I am starting again now, at 45, I can't work for now, and I am not from this place I am from over 500 miles away.
I have been going to the library for free book talks and lectures. Just to hear new things, be around others, and I always check out all of the community boards when I go, because I never know what might be up there.
I am trying new things socially that I really haven't done before, even though it is still lonely, I am getting something out of it for myself.

I wish I had one friend too. I wish I had a nice strong support system. I wish I could laugh with girlfriends, and go to movies and clothes shopping. I wish we could go to museums and get our nails done together. I want to have close friends.
But, there seems like there is something wrong with me the same way you were talking about how people never really warm up to you for whatever reasons.

I can totally relate to your post. I am so sorry you feel like I do. Many blessings that you can find a close friend
 
Just-Shy asks how come I lived in social isolation......?  I didn't formally decide to, it was the result of many little choices that added up, like rivulets of water flowing together getting bigger until I noticed a behavior pattern that by then was the river of my life with a current all its own.  OK, I was functional:  I owned a house, I was gainfully employed, I had money in the bank.....but I came home to a TV set and I'm afraid to the vodka bottle too.
The little choices that led up to it were probably the result of poor social skills and simply a lack of enjoying peoples' company....so I just started a pattern of avoiding those awkward encounters.

How did it change?  A conscious choice and baby steps....I joined a church; I joined a public service organization; I began making eye contact with people again...in places like the public library.  Little choices like that started adding up like rivulets of flowing water going in a better direction.  And I quit drinking, which was a whole other story in itself.

And now?  I'm probably always going to be a little odd in social situations, although that may  only be my perception.  Nevertheless, I'm on the playing field of life living in association with a broader social spectrum of the world.

That answer your question Just.Shy?
 

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