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Miriam1966

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Hi Friends,

Something that happened just now has me feeling unimportant and I guess I just want to vent about it. First I just want to say that last night he perceived something about me that was wrong and when I tried to tell him that, he wouldn't listen. At my age, I'm starting to get really intense hot flashes...we had a shower then I had to dry my hair. He was still in the shower and kept upping the hot water because he was cold. I was over-boiling. He started to talk about his guitar and I cut him off and I said as nicely as I could "darling, I'm boiling hot...I have to get out of this room, I'm sorry." He said okay, but then he was distant with me the entire evening. I tried to ask him, he wouldn't respond so I just said "you know I'm interested in your music, but I was really just too overheated to stay in the bathroom. I'm interested and I'm here, so talk to me about it." He just replied that it wasn't important then pouted all evening.

I feel so stupid talking about this...it's so juvenile.

So this morning, he called me from the bedroom to ask me to make him a coffee. He went to bed at 5am and just woke up (1pm). I don't mind so I made him a coffee and brought it upstairs to the bedroom. He thanked me. 

He had his headphones on, attached to his phone, so I asked if he was busy. He just looked at me. I said "because you have your headphones on". He said no.

Then I sat next to him, kissed him and said good morning. He didn't take the headphones out, he just said "morning". Then nothing. I talked about the weather, the dogs...no replies, no volunteering to add to the conversation; and then I asked him if he slept okay. He responded with a "yeah". No other words at all. So we sat in silence. I asked him what was on his mind, he said "nothing." I asked him if he wanted to talk about anything, he said "no."

He can't blame it on just waking up because when he's feeling happy and he isn't being abusive, he's very chatty in the mornings.

It wasn't just his lack of effort to communicate with me, it was that:

- he didn't ask me how I slept
- he didn't ask me how I was doing (he knew I'd been up several times overnight with chest and back pain - it's stress related)
- he didn't ask me how my day was going
- he didn't greet the dogs when they ran up to see him, he barely touched them
- one of our cats came to the bedroom to see him and he completely ignored him.

This kind of thing really bothers me, it's inconsiderate and makes me feel so unimportant. And by the way, I can't remember the last time he brought me coffee in bed. Anyway, I just got up and said "well, I'm going to go back downstairs now okay?" He stared at me for a minute, then nodded. Then he told me he'd be in the bathroom for a long time.

So I got maybe two sentences out of him this morning and a door slamming as he went into the bathroom.

If I were reading this written by someone else, my advice would be to dump the inconsiderate jerk. But I'm sitting here on the verge of tears really feeling unimportant and wondering why. I know I'm a good person, I'm interesting, I have a big heart. Neglected is really how I feel. It's hurtful.

I'm going to try to keep busy today so I don't think about it too much, but my heart is so wounded by this "covert" type of aggression. Anyway...what can I do? I'm stuck here until the spring, at least I now have a place here where I can feel safe to talk about things and not be judged or criticized or abused!
 
Let me preface this by saying that I have not commented on your initial post, but I have read it previously to get the bigger picture...

You said you have been in this abusive relationship for 5 1/2 years and I can't entirely fault you for still trying to turn things around by being "good" towards him, but it's a fool's errand as far as I'm concerned. Because I have no doubt that you have tried it for a while already and it hasn't significantly improved his behavior or provoked any sensible amount of reciprocation (beyond when he randomly feels like acting kind and wants your affection or tries to appease you just enough to stick around).

Why would it change now? In fact, if you are serious about finally cutting him off I would suggest distancing yourself as far as possible to the point of being invisible instead of groveling for some last crumbs of kindness that might fool you into believing you're finally turning things around just to have it fly in your face once again.

It's too late to ask why he is so inconsiderate when you should be asking: "Why would he suddenly stop being inconsiderate?"
 
Hi Miriam,

I've recently come back from a very long hiatus here, and have happened to see a few of your posts regarding this bf of yours. I feel very concerned for your wellbeing and hope very much that you're able to terminate the toxic relationship that you've found yourself in, at no fault of your own.

As far as I can tell, you seem like a very loving and caring person, and your bf has found a sweet spot in your kind heart. I don't doubt that he can have good moments - he has managed to build his way into your life, so there must be *something* nice about him, somewhere :) BUT, I believe that you need to get away from him, and fast.

This is someone that has stated zero desire to try gaining a job, and wants to freeload his way through life, either off benefits or off your own support. What you have described in this thread, only re-asserts that he has no motivation in his life. You cannot be responsible for his inner-force and motivation, and you should not take it personally that he is not expressing interest or affection in you. It is not you - it is something within him, and he's latching on to you in a passive-aggressive and cunning way.

Lacking motivation in life is one thing - it can happen to the very best of us, and it can affect us in so many extreme and unimaginable ways. It's happened to me before, and that has impacted the people near me that I love. But to be able to lie to you frequently about things, to feel no sense of remorse for his actions and impact on you, and to see no change in attitude after 5 years... I'm sorry if this offends, but you're not only dealing with a demotivated person that's latching on to you, but you're dealing with someone that basically seems like a complete dick. And also quite dangerous from the sounds of it.

It sounds like you have an escape plan, and that's a nice thing to read. But in the meantime - don't allow him to drag you down. Hear it from our small voices over this internet forum that you are a good person, and you will escape and rebuild your life, and there are people who will not neglect and hurt you.

I wish you the best of luck and success.

Thomas.
 
Rodent said:
Let me preface this by saying that I have not commented on your initial post, but I have read it previously to get the bigger picture...

You said you have been in this abusive relationship for 5 1/2 years and I can't entirely fault you for still trying to turn things around by being "good" towards him, but it's a fool's errand as far as I'm concerned. Because I have no doubt that you have tried it for a while already and it hasn't significantly improved his behavior or provoked any sensible amount of reciprocation (beyond when he randomly feels like acting kind and wants your affection or tries to appease you just enough to stick around).

Why would it change now? In fact, if you are serious about finally cutting him off I would suggest distancing yourself as far as possible to the point of being invisible instead of groveling for some last crumbs of kindness that might fool you into believing you're finally turning things around just to have it fly in your face once again.

It's too late to ask why he is so inconsiderate when you should be asking: "Why would he suddenly stop being inconsiderate?"

You're right Rodent. :(
It's hard to swallow but you're right, I'm a fool and it's a fool's errand. I know that. In fact he just proved it to me again this afternoon when he wanted something, I couldn't deliver and he hung up the phone on me. I'm pretty broken.
 
"] " pid='883666' dateline='1539198175 said:
Hi Miriam,

I've recently come back from a very long hiatus here, and have happened to see a few of your posts regarding this bf of yours. I feel very concerned for your wellbeing and hope very much that you're able to terminate the toxic relationship that you've found yourself in, at no fault of your own.

As far as I can tell, you seem like a very loving and caring person, and your bf has found a sweet spot in your kind heart. I don't doubt that he can have good moments - he has managed to build his way into your life, so there must be *something* nice about him, somewhere :) BUT, I believe that you need to get away from him, and fast.

This is someone that has stated zero desire to try gaining a job, and wants to freeload his way through life, either off benefits or off your own support. What you have described in this thread, only re-asserts that he has no motivation in his life. You cannot be responsible for his inner-force and motivation, and you should not take it personally that he is not expressing interest or affection in you. It is not you - it is something within him, and he's latching on to you in a passive-aggressive and cunning way.

Lacking motivation in life is one thing - it can happen to the very best of us, and it can affect us in so many extreme and unimaginable ways. It's happened to me before, and that has impacted the people near me that I love. But to be able to lie to you frequently about things, to feel no sense of remorse for his actions and impact on you, and to see no change in attitude after 5 years... I'm sorry if this offends, but you're not only dealing with a demotivated person that's latching on to you, but you're dealing with someone that basically seems like a complete dick. And also quite dangerous from the sounds of it.

It sounds like you have an escape plan, and that's a nice thing to read. But in the meantime - don't allow him to drag you down. Hear it from our small voices over this internet forum that you are a good person, and you will escape and rebuild your life, and there are people who will not neglect and hurt you.

I wish you the best of luck and success.

Thomas.
Thank you Thomas. That was very supportive and really I need some nice words at this moment. He is very cunning I'll give you that. When he wants something he won't stop until he gets it. He once stayed on hold on a customer support line for SEVEN hours to speak to a "supervisor" to get a $10 discount. It wasn't the money, it was that he NEEDED to be right and conquer. He routinely berates people to get his way, it's embarrassing to me and really turns me off. Now he does it to me and I hate to admit it works because I just want the anger an aggression to end so I'll do anything he wants to feel at peace again. I guess I taught him what works so he can get his own way. Trying to crawl my way up to a boundary now feels nearly impossible, but trust me, I do try.

He is a complete dick, I'm not offended. And you know what? If you called him a complete dick, he'd feel pride and smile. I told him TWICE in the last five years that he was an a-hole (I just don't swear, I don't feel the need to but he pushed my buttons)...and he laughed and said "Yeah, I know I'm an a-hole, I was born that way."

I have an escape plan, but on days like today I wish I had the nerve to just ask him to leave sooner. My biggest fear is that he won't and he'll make my life hell until I leave in the spring. I can attest that I can't handle the hostility for that long. In October of 2017, he chased me out of the house calling me an effing b*tch over and over because he perceived that I was rude to a technician at the phone company. I guess because he once was a technician at a phone company...he projected all of his pent up anger at me, comparing me to the people he USED to deal with or something. That's just my guess...but it drove me to run to the woods an hike up the mountain and nearly throw myself off. I don't want to feel that way ever again so I guess I placate him so I can have peace. Twisted I know.
 
Miriam1966 said:
Rodent said:
Let me preface this by saying that I have not commented on your initial post, but I have read it previously to get the bigger picture...

You said you have been in this abusive relationship for 5 1/2 years and I can't entirely fault you for still trying to turn things around by being "good" towards him, but it's a fool's errand as far as I'm concerned. Because I have no doubt that you have tried it for a while already and it hasn't significantly improved his behavior or provoked any sensible amount of reciprocation (beyond when he randomly feels like acting kind and wants your affection or tries to appease you just enough to stick around).

Why would it change now? In fact, if you are serious about finally cutting him off I would suggest distancing yourself as far as possible to the point of being invisible instead of groveling for some last crumbs of kindness that might fool you into believing you're finally turning things around just to have it fly in your face once again.

It's too late to ask why he is so inconsiderate when you should be asking: "Why would he suddenly stop being inconsiderate?"

You're right Rodent. :(
It's hard to swallow but you're right, I'm a fool and it's a fool's errand. I know that. In fact he just proved it to me again this afternoon when he wanted something, I couldn't deliver and he hung up the phone on me. I'm pretty broken.

I have to agree 100% with Rodent. I barely know either of you save from the descriptive threads you've written so keep it in mind that my opinion may be off-base, but judging from everything you've written thus far, I'd say this relationship is dead, done and buried. From having been in an abusive relationship myself with a at the time emotionnally unstable and manipulative person, I don't see any point in continuing it as this seems to cause you no end of pain.
I've read somewhere of your plan to "escape". Isn't there something you could do to get out of Dodge quicker? Is it a fullproof plan? Have you thought of an alternative if it doesnt pan out?
I say this because I boxed myself in once in a situation I couldnt get out of. I had a plan too. Turns out in my naivety and ease of manipulation, my "plan" turned into a 2 year agony. It ended up being an abrupt departure on my part with a LOT of broken vases, some physically, but mostly and more importantly, mentally, which took me a longer time to recoup from than any insignificant blows she tossed my way. Seeing someone describing a similar situation is hard to read and I'm the kind of person to wish the best on anyone, thus wishing you to move on to a better existence as quickly as possible.
Anyway, I hope this offers a modicum of hope or comfort; as bad as you feel now, there IS an after to a horrible situation.
 
Richard_39 said:
Miriam1966 said:
Rodent said:
Let me preface this by saying that I have not commented on your initial post, but I have read it previously to get the bigger picture...

You said you have been in this abusive relationship for 5 1/2 years and I can't entirely fault you for still trying to turn things around by being "good" towards him, but it's a fool's errand as far as I'm concerned. Because I have no doubt that you have tried it for a while already and it hasn't significantly improved his behavior or provoked any sensible amount of reciprocation (beyond when he randomly feels like acting kind and wants your affection or tries to appease you just enough to stick around).

Why would it change now? In fact, if you are serious about finally cutting him off I would suggest distancing yourself as far as possible to the point of being invisible instead of groveling for some last crumbs of kindness that might fool you into believing you're finally turning things around just to have it fly in your face once again.

It's too late to ask why he is so inconsiderate when you should be asking: "Why would he suddenly stop being inconsiderate?"

You're right Rodent. :(
It's hard to swallow but you're right, I'm a fool and it's a fool's errand. I know that. In fact he just proved it to me again this afternoon when he wanted something, I couldn't deliver and he hung up the phone on me. I'm pretty broken.

I have to agree 100% with Rodent. I barely know either of you save from the descriptive threads you've written so keep it in mind that my opinion may be off-base, but judging from everything you've written thus far, I'd say this relationship is dead, done and buried. From having been in an abusive relationship myself with a at the time emotionnally unstable and manipulative person, I don't see any point in continuing it as this seems to cause you no end of pain.
I've read somewhere of your plan to "escape". Isn't there something you could do to get out of Dodge quicker? Is it a fullproof plan? Have you thought of an alternative if it doesnt pan out?
I say this because I boxed myself in once in a situation I couldnt get out of. I had a plan too. Turns out in my naivety and ease of manipulation, my "plan" turned into a 2 year agony. It ended up being an abrupt departure on my part with a LOT of broken vases, some physically, but mostly and more importantly, mentally, which took me a longer time to recoup from than any insignificant blows she tossed my way. Seeing someone describing a similar situation is hard to read and I'm the kind of person to wish the best on anyone, thus wishing you to move on to a better existence as quickly as possible.
Anyway, I hope this offers a modicum of hope or comfort; as bad as you feel now, there IS an after to a horrible situation.

Hi Richard,
I think you are very right about the relationship being dead and buried. Sometimes I think having hope is a positive thing, but in this case, it's negative because having hope that he will change only hurts me because my logical mind KNOWS that people only change if THEY want to. You can't change anyone but yourself. I'm sorry you were in an abusive relationship...I really am. It's not what anyone needs to endure. I'm glad you were able to walk away. The mental abuse scars worse I think. And no, I never thought of a Plan B. I just figured my Plan A was fullproof...maybe I need to rethink that. The Plan A is to wait until the spring (the lease ends June30th)...by then I'll have a little savings. It's my car, so I figured I'd just load up the car with my pets and my personal belongings and just drive away one day. I even thought about buying a little trailer that I could live in for a while if need be. It'll be tough, but my sight is on that plan to work out. I wish I could do it now. I'm starting to lean towards asking him to leave again. But I just know he won't. And worse, if I ask him to leave, not only will he refuse, he will likely stop paying his share of the rent, and the atmosphere in this house will be so hostile and unbearable. I would prefer to just keep the peace until I know for sure I can be the one to run away. I guess it's for my emotional and mental survival.
 
Miriam1966 said:
Richard_39 said:
Miriam1966 said:
Rodent said:
Let me preface this by saying that I have not commented on your initial post, but I have read it previously to get the bigger picture...

You said you have been in this abusive relationship for 5 1/2 years and I can't entirely fault you for still trying to turn things around by being "good" towards him, but it's a fool's errand as far as I'm concerned. Because I have no doubt that you have tried it for a while already and it hasn't significantly improved his behavior or provoked any sensible amount of reciprocation (beyond when he randomly feels like acting kind and wants your affection or tries to appease you just enough to stick around).

Why would it change now? In fact, if you are serious about finally cutting him off I would suggest distancing yourself as far as possible to the point of being invisible instead of groveling for some last crumbs of kindness that might fool you into believing you're finally turning things around just to have it fly in your face once again.

It's too late to ask why he is so inconsiderate when you should be asking: "Why would he suddenly stop being inconsiderate?"

You're right Rodent. :(
It's hard to swallow but you're right, I'm a fool and it's a fool's errand. I know that. In fact he just proved it to me again this afternoon when he wanted something, I couldn't deliver and he hung up the phone on me. I'm pretty broken.

I have to agree 100% with Rodent. I barely know either of you save from the descriptive threads you've written so keep it in mind that my opinion may be off-base, but judging from everything you've written thus far, I'd say this relationship is dead, done and buried. From having been in an abusive relationship myself with a at the time emotionnally unstable and manipulative person, I don't see any point in continuing it as this seems to cause you no end of pain.
I've read somewhere of your plan to "escape". Isn't there something you could do to get out of Dodge quicker? Is it a fullproof plan? Have you thought of an alternative if it doesnt pan out?
I say this because I boxed myself in once in a situation I couldnt get out of. I had a plan too. Turns out in my naivety and ease of manipulation, my "plan" turned into a 2 year agony. It ended up being an abrupt departure on my part with a LOT of broken vases, some physically, but mostly and more importantly, mentally, which took me a longer time to recoup from than any insignificant blows she tossed my way. Seeing someone describing a similar situation is hard to read and I'm the kind of person to wish the best on anyone, thus wishing you to move on to a better existence as quickly as possible.
Anyway, I hope this offers a modicum of hope or comfort; as bad as you feel now, there IS an after to a horrible situation.

Hi Richard,
I think you are very right about the relationship being dead and buried. Sometimes I think having hope is a positive thing, but in this case, it's negative because having hope that he will change only hurts me because my logical mind KNOWS that people only change if THEY want to. You can't change anyone but yourself. I'm sorry you were in an abusive relationship...I really am. It's not what anyone needs to endure. I'm glad you were able to walk away. The mental abuse scars worse I think. And no, I never thought of a Plan B. I just figured my Plan A was fullproof...maybe I need to rethink that. The Plan A is to wait until the spring (the lease ends June30th)...by then I'll have a little savings. It's my car, so I figured I'd just load up the car with my pets and my personal belongings and just drive away one day. I even thought about buying a little trailer that I could live in for a while if need be. It'll be tough, but my sight is on that plan to work out. I wish I could do it now. I'm starting to lean towards asking him to leave again. But I just know he won't. And worse, if I ask him to leave, not only will he refuse, he will likely stop paying his share of the rent, and the atmosphere in this house will be so hostile and unbearable. I would prefer to just keep the peace until I know for sure I can be the one to run away. I guess it's for my emotional and mental survival.

Dont you have friends, or family you can go to instead of waiting in hopes of having enough savings? I remember reading somewhere him asking you for money somewhere, I very much doubt he'll ever allow you to have any savings. At this point, up and go without warning would sound very attractive to me, specially the "screw you, not my problem anymore" part of the deal.
 
Richard_39 said:
Miriam1966 said:
Richard_39 said:
Miriam1966 said:
Rodent said:
Let me preface this by saying that I have not commented on your initial post, but I have read it previously to get the bigger picture...

You said you have been in this abusive relationship for 5 1/2 years and I can't entirely fault you for still trying to turn things around by being "good" towards him, but it's a fool's errand as far as I'm concerned. Because I have no doubt that you have tried it for a while already and it hasn't significantly improved his behavior or provoked any sensible amount of reciprocation (beyond when he randomly feels like acting kind and wants your affection or tries to appease you just enough to stick around).

Why would it change now? In fact, if you are serious about finally cutting him off I would suggest distancing yourself as far as possible to the point of being invisible instead of groveling for some last crumbs of kindness that might fool you into believing you're finally turning things around just to have it fly in your face once again.

It's too late to ask why he is so inconsiderate when you should be asking: "Why would he suddenly stop being inconsiderate?"

You're right Rodent. :(
It's hard to swallow but you're right, I'm a fool and it's a fool's errand. I know that. In fact he just proved it to me again this afternoon when he wanted something, I couldn't deliver and he hung up the phone on me. I'm pretty broken.

I have to agree 100% with Rodent. I barely know either of you save from the descriptive threads you've written so keep it in mind that my opinion may be off-base, but judging from everything you've written thus far, I'd say this relationship is dead, done and buried. From having been in an abusive relationship myself with a at the time emotionnally unstable and manipulative person, I don't see any point in continuing it as this seems to cause you no end of pain.
I've read somewhere of your plan to "escape". Isn't there something you could do to get out of Dodge quicker? Is it a fullproof plan? Have you thought of an alternative if it doesnt pan out?
I say this because I boxed myself in once in a situation I couldnt get out of. I had a plan too. Turns out in my naivety and ease of manipulation, my "plan" turned into a 2 year agony. It ended up being an abrupt departure on my part with a LOT of broken vases, some physically, but mostly and more importantly, mentally, which took me a longer time to recoup from than any insignificant blows she tossed my way. Seeing someone describing a similar situation is hard to read and I'm the kind of person to wish the best on anyone, thus wishing you to move on to a better existence as quickly as possible.
Anyway, I hope this offers a modicum of hope or comfort; as bad as you feel now, there IS an after to a horrible situation.

Hi Richard,
I think you are very right about the relationship being dead and buried. Sometimes I think having hope is a positive thing, but in this case, it's negative because having hope that he will change only hurts me because my logical mind KNOWS that people only change if THEY want to. You can't change anyone but yourself. I'm sorry you were in an abusive relationship...I really am. It's not what anyone needs to endure. I'm glad you were able to walk away. The mental abuse scars worse I think. And no, I never thought of a Plan B. I just figured my Plan A was fullproof...maybe I need to rethink that. The Plan A is to wait until the spring (the lease ends June30th)...by then I'll have a little savings. It's my car, so I figured I'd just load up the car with my pets and my personal belongings and just drive away one day. I even thought about buying a little trailer that I could live in for a while if need be. It'll be tough, but my sight is on that plan to work out. I wish I could do it now. I'm starting to lean towards asking him to leave again. But I just know he won't. And worse, if I ask him to leave, not only will he refuse, he will likely stop paying his share of the rent, and the atmosphere in this house will be so hostile and unbearable. I would prefer to just keep the peace until I know for sure I can be the one to run away. I guess it's for my emotional and mental survival.

Dont you have friends, or family you can go to instead of waiting in hopes of having enough savings? I remember reading somewhere him asking you for money somewhere, I very much doubt he'll ever allow you to have any savings. At this point, up and go without warning would sound very attractive to me, specially the "screw you, not my problem anymore" part of the deal.

My family is all passed on, and I chose not to have any friends because of social anxiety, so it's really just me in this big ol' world! Normally it would be fine, I like being secluded...but in this situation, it's hard. Yes, he asked me for money yesterday and I gave it to him. But he doesn't know I have an automatic savings transfer set up with each pay day, where I've been secretly saving $50 a month through my bank. I'm on disability and every year with cost of living, I get an increase, I said I didn't get one last year, but I have been using that increase to save money.

I really think that's how it's going to be, up and gone without a warning. It's my best bet.
 
I hope you can find a way to extricate yourself from your situation sooner rather than later. I agree you should have a backup plan even if it's just "screw this I'm outta here".  Not having family to lean on certainly makes it more difficult.
I've read many of your posts and I notice several times you refer to an escape plan.  To me that term implies uncomfortable connotations.  I'm not an animal lover but I do understand about your pets. Ultimately I think your well being is more important than anything else.
Unfortunately men and women like him are not unusual.  The fact that you live in a more rural area keeps you a bit more isolated and makes the situation easier for him to manipulate.
5 years is a long time to live like that. You need peace. If you're not going to get it from him, do whatever is necessary to leave him behind and find it for yourself.  Who knows, it might be what gets him to take a good look at himself and decide to turn his life around too.  But you can't continue waiting and hoping he will do it for you.
I had a few close friends when I was young that were in similar situations. One eventually was able to leave it all behind her and went on to have a good happy life. The other wasn't as fortunate. I don't like to see anyone live like that.
 
DeepTxWater said:
I hope you can find a way to extricate yourself from your situation sooner rather than later. I agree you should have a backup plan even if it's just "screw this I'm outta here".  Not having family to lean on certainly makes it more difficult.
I've read many of your posts and I notice several times you refer to an escape plan.  To me that term implies uncomfortable connotations.  I'm not an animal lover but I do understand about your pets. Ultimately I think your well being is more important than anything else.
Unfortunately men and women like him are not unusual.  The fact that you live in a more rural area keeps you a bit more isolated and makes the situation easier for him to manipulate.
5 years is a long time to live like that. You need peace. If you're not going to get it from him, do whatever is necessary to leave him behind and find it for yourself.  Who knows, it might be what gets him to take a good look at himself and decide to turn his life around too.  But you can't continue waiting and hoping he will do it for you.
I had a few close friends when I was young that were in similar situations. One eventually was able to leave it all behind her and went on to have a good happy life. The other wasn't as fortunate. I don't like to see anyone live like that.

Hi DeepTXWater,

Thank you for your support. You know, I don't really mind being isolated most of the time because I do love my solitude and I'm not a fan of society in general, but during these times where I feel trapped by abuse and intimidation, then yes, it's a hindrance. My logical mind knows that I can't be happy with him in the long term. I don't know why my hopeful mind takes over when logic is sound. But yes, the escape plan is set for this spring when my lease is ending. The timing has to be right because I'm not a rich woman and like I've mentioned, leaving the pets behind isn't an option as they really boost my spirit and give me a reason to go on right now. I've waited a year now since I first put my plan together, and this last 6 months or so will be rough, but I'm willing to tolerate his crap to be free and clear on my terms. Maybe I'm stubborn? Yeah, probably! :shy:  But...I feel like I've come so far in life and have overcome so many obstacles that I need to stand up for myself and not lose everything I've worked for in the process! Of course, having said that, if it gets to the point where I want to end my life again, I will leave without care about legal issues or money.
 
Miriam1966 said:
Hi Friends,

Something that happened just now has me feeling unimportant and I guess I just want to vent about it. First I just want to say that last night he perceived something about me that was wrong and when I tried to tell him that, he wouldn't listen. At my age, I'm starting to get really intense hot flashes...we had a shower then I had to dry my hair. He was still in the shower and kept upping the hot water because he was cold. I was over-boiling. He started to talk about his guitar and I cut him off and I said as nicely as I could "darling, I'm boiling hot...I have to get out of this room, I'm sorry." He said okay, but then he was distant with me the entire evening. I tried to ask him, he wouldn't respond so I just said "you know I'm interested in your music, but I was really just too overheated to stay in the bathroom. I'm interested and I'm here, so talk to me about it." He just replied that it wasn't important then pouted all evening.

I feel so stupid talking about this...it's so juvenile.

So this morning, he called me from the bedroom to ask me to make him a coffee. He went to bed at 5am and just woke up (1pm). I don't mind so I made him a coffee and brought it upstairs to the bedroom. He thanked me. 

He had his headphones on, attached to his phone, so I asked if he was busy. He just looked at me. I said "because you have your headphones on". He said no.

Then I sat next to him, kissed him and said good morning. He didn't take the headphones out, he just said "morning". Then nothing. I talked about the weather, the dogs...no replies, no volunteering to add to the conversation; and then I asked him if he slept okay. He responded with a "yeah". No other words at all. So we sat in silence. I asked him what was on his mind, he said "nothing." I asked him if he wanted to talk about anything, he said "no."

He can't blame it on just waking up because when he's feeling happy and he isn't being abusive, he's very chatty in the mornings.

It wasn't just his lack of effort to communicate with me, it was that:

- he didn't ask me how I slept
- he didn't ask me how I was doing (he knew I'd been up several times overnight with chest and back pain - it's stress related)
- he didn't ask me how my day was going
- he didn't greet the dogs when they ran up to see him, he barely touched them
- one of our cats came to the bedroom to see him and he completely ignored him.

This kind of thing really bothers me, it's inconsiderate and makes me feel so unimportant. And by the way, I can't remember the last time he brought me coffee in bed. Anyway, I just got up and said "well, I'm going to go back downstairs now okay?" He stared at me for a minute, then nodded. Then he told me he'd be in the bathroom for a long time.

So I got maybe two sentences out of him this morning and a door slamming as he went into the bathroom.

If I were reading this written by someone else, my advice would be to dump the inconsiderate jerk. But I'm sitting here on the verge of tears really feeling unimportant and wondering why. I know I'm a good person, I'm interesting, I have a big heart. Neglected is really how I feel. It's hurtful.

I'm going to try to keep busy today so I don't think about it too much, but my heart is so wounded by this "covert" type of aggression. Anyway...what can I do? I'm stuck here until the spring, at least I now have a place here where I can feel safe to talk about things and not be judged or criticized or abused!

That is a difficult place to be in, but if you are not married, you might be better off taking care of yourself emotionally to heal any brokenness and work on you for a while and if he truly cares, he will find out why you are a little distanced and maybe step up to the plate.  Make solid emotional boundaries and don't allow him to cross them unless your terms are met.
 

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