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I'm Annoying
#1
Hi Friends,

I hope nobody tires of my whining.  Posting here is helping me so I'm going to keep doing it, no matter how trivial it may seem. My life is kind of spinning out of control from his constant anger, insults and silence of late. And just last week I was so happy and in love again.

I'm in rough shape today. He basically offered me two sentences in the way of human contact from Tuesday night to yesterday afternoon. He called me from his cell phone (from upstairs) and told me his item was ready for pickup. He'd recently brought something in to get fixed and the guy said it would be $50 cash.  He was very patient and sweet on the phone when asking me to help him.

Anyway, since my bf doesn't drive that would entail me driving him an hour to get his thing. Plus it was now $70 and he was missing $5 which he asked me to give him. I told him I had no cash or gas money until I get paid. He said rather angrily at that point that he relied on me for everything, as though I was trying to control him or something.  I didn't put a gun to his head to live with me, he spent his credit card on hobbies, he could have used that money to pay for driving lessons. He can get a job but refuses to, he'd rather collect welfare. I even said I'd DRIVE him back and forth to his job but he refuses, saying he will never work another day in his life. (He's 30 years old). He has a chip on his shoulder about me being the major breadwinner and being the only driver here...I'm always so generous with him and I try not to make him feel inferior ever, always asking his opinion and asking for his input on expenses and things like that. Anytime he needs a lift somewhere I happily comply.

Anyway, I asked him if we could talk about going to pick up his item when I got paid, he muttered something. Then he hung up on me. That made me cry. Not only him hanging up on me, but him only being nice to me to get something he wanted.

So all night there was silence, when he finally asked me "what the hell" was wrong with me. I said I was reacting to his distance and that he hung up on me. He denied both and ignored me again, accusing me of "being that way" for the last month. This was surprising, I'm always the peace keeper and the one who is nurturing. He always tries to make me believe things that aren't true, that everything is always MY fault.

When he came to bed, I just cuddled up to him as I normally do, he twitched and angrily asked me "WHAT?".  I said "I'm trying to make an effort, can't you?" He said "what, you're making an effort to be annoying?". I just rolled over and cried quietly.

Of all the things he's done, all the things he's said, that rejection and those words hurt my heart so terribly. I'm really weak today and I can't stop crying. It's like someone keeps kicking me over and over, it feels like emotional torture.

I know I have to make a decision, but I can't tell you how excruciating it is...the anxiety and the fear. I know logically I will be better off without him, but I can't find a way to make that decision and stick with it. Deep down I'm hoping he finally discards me and breaks up with me so I don't have to be the one to do it.

I went through my budget and if I really cut out this and that, I can ask him to leave before December comes. The biggest problem is he told me in the past he WON'T leave. I don't have enough money to leave myself. And all those who read my posts before, know that I refuse to leave my pets with him because of his history of aggression and neglect with them. My exit strategy is to leave in the spring, but during these abusive cycles, my will is so weak and I feel so low, that I don't know how I can handle much more.

Each day that passes, when I start to feel strong and confident, he shoots me down and I feel weak and alone again, unable to make a decision for myself that I know will improve my life.

I actually did get paid today and I drove over to the pharmacy to get something and I took out $5 for him. I put it on his desk and I plan to avoid him today as best I can while I try to distract myself, and empower myself. It shouldn't be this difficult and I just don't want to feel hurt anymore. Part of me is wondering "did I do something to cause all of this? Am I being mean to him somehow?" It really can drive you crazy, the doubt and the hurt feelings and being verbally and emotionally abused.  Sad  I guess I'm just hoping this cycle ends soon so we can get back to the "honeymoon" phase and I won't be so upset anymore - at least until the next abusive cycle begins. I feel like such a loser.

Thanks for listening.
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#2
Do you have your own life outside of him and work? Hobbies, things to do, stuff like that? Maybe try going out more, even if it's just for a nightly walk down the street. Start living for yourself, instead of him.
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#3
(10-12-2018, 01:55 AM)TheRealCallie Wrote: Do you have your own life outside of him and work?  Hobbies, things to do, stuff like that?  Maybe try going out more, even if it's just for a nightly walk down the street.  Start living for yourself, instead of him.

Hi TheRealCallie,

Yes, actually I do. I have a lot of great hobbies. I draw and paint. I knit, sew, I do lots of crafts. I just put a garden to rest for the season. I have my pets and I love spending time with them. I write. I journal. I do meditation and yoga. I walk in the woods. I like to go fishing. I love to look for new recipes, bake and cook. I like to learn about wine, though I can't afford too much to drink, I like to be a "connoisseur" of sorts.

I started to read last night and ended up just crying on the pages. I am part of an Instagram drawing challenge this month and I'm forcing myself to do it daily, but I have no motivation lately to even think of ideas. I have a blog in my real life and find I have writer's block.

I think I just need a break from the emotional torture to find my desire to do these things. I feel the depression is back with a vengeance and it's killing my motivation.

Btw: I'm on disability from a work accident years ago, and he doesn't work. So I'm home 24/7...so is he which makes it very hostile at times.
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#4
If you don't mind me asking Miriam why is he not working have you ever got to the bottom of this.You mentioned he had quite a good job before...it's just I go a bit nuts even when I have a day off I can't understand this not wanting to work. I also get the feeling you still love this geezer even after all he's done .As Callie said could you find more ways to be independent from him if you have to live with him for the next six months.
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#5
(10-12-2018, 03:18 PM)Joturbo Wrote: If you don't mind me asking Miriam why is he not working have you ever got to the bottom of this.You mentioned he had quite a good job before...it's just I go a bit nuts even when I have a day off I can't understand this not wanting to work.  I also get the feeling you still love this geezer even after all he's done .As Callie said could you find more ways to be independent from him if you have to live with him for the next six months.

I don't mind you asking Joturbo, thanks. 

I promise I'm working on my independence. I just have to do it very gradually so that it's not a big "drama moment" for him. I feel like I have to plot and sneak around all the time.

He stopped working five years ago because he told me he got laid off due to outsourcing. I found out through two separate people he used to work with that he was actually fired because he was rude to his female boss. He says he's too depressed and anxious to ever work again. I told him he might want to see a doctor, because if he was professionally diagnosed with mental health disorders, he may qualify for disability, which pays more than welfare. He refuses to go, so I think it's a mix of mental health disorders and pure laziness.
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#6
Just a thought....I know that your pets are your life and strength and comfort, but is there any way to house them elsewhere, just on a temporary basis? That way, you are able to leave and not feel like you are abandoning your pets to your boyfriend’s potential abuse? If you contact an animal shelter, there are usually volunteers who foster aninals - perhaps if you explained your situation, they may be able to hook you up with someone who can give your pets safe, loving homes for now until you get yourself on your feet. You NEED to get away from this fellow.
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#7
I'm fairly new to this forum and haven't really posted much. I've more or less sat back and read thru posts, kinda comparing my life and situation to others. Some things are the same and some aren't. I feel lonely and on my own but it's not because I'm completely alone in the world. I have my kids and grandkids which is great. But they're living there own lives independent of me, which is also great.  That's the way it's supposed to be.  When I was young I guess I just thought my life would have turned out different. A good relationship with a special woman is just not something I have ever been blessed with.  Just having someone to share day to day experiences with...an old late movie, grocery shopping, a cold beer on the back patio talking about lawnmowers, I'd give just about anything for that. For a variety of reasons, it seems it just not gonna happen for me.  Even through all of this I still manage to find some happiness every day. It might be a group of kids playing an impromptu baseball game or maybe a smile from that pretty lady at the drive up window where a get a root beer from time to time.  There's always something that can make me smile even if it's only fleeting.  If I couldn't do this I'd of lost my mind years ago.  Everybody deserves at least that much daily.
You're still young. You have a wide range of interests and your posts read like you're a sane, responsible and intelligent girl. Clearly you're not blind to what this young man is about and you need better for yourself.  My father told me when I was very young that no matter what a girl appears to be, No matter what she does, dresses like or does for a living, I was always to remember that was somebody's daughter.  I had a specific dad talk with my own daughter when she was young, stressing what she should expect from any boy or man in her life and I'm happy she took it to heart and has managed to maintain control of that part of her life.
I don't have answers for you but I really do hope you can take control of that part of your life too. Do whatever is necessary to be comfortable and happy and above all else, safe. And now I step down off of my soap box...
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#8
Hi Ringwood,
Thanks for your reply. I know too well that I need to get away asap for my own well being. The shelter where I adopted 4 of my six pets back in 2015 closed down. I live in a rural area and don't have any friends or family. I just can't bring myself to leaving my pets, separated, to total strangers who I don't know...don't know if my pets will be abused or neglected...my trust in people has vanished it seems.

Hi DeepTxWater,
I appreciate your post, thank you. I guess I didn't have a father figure growing up. He was terribly abusive. But I am like you, I try to find some happiness every day. I don't live in constant misery, I don't want to give off that impression certainly. I find joy a lot in nature, in my hobbies and with my pets - who are like my children. I just wish I had positive company while I did a lot of these things. I'm not the type who needs a man with me 24/7, but a few hours a day of positive contact when you are sharing a living space would be nice. I feel as though I'm running a boarding house at times, and that makes me feel lonely.
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