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Bender's Journal: Part 2
#21
(12-19-2018, 06:10 PM)Joturbo Wrote: What happened to the weird girl(your words) who liked shopping...she sounded interesting why no follow up mate. Sad

She lives in a different city to me. Maybe next time I'm over there I'll hit her up if I want someone to go shopping with  Big Grin
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#22
So I was just going over some of my journal posts from mid 2015 when I was probably at my peak.. In terms of picking up girls.

So cool to read about some of the nights I had out back then. I was having so much fun at that time. 
It's got me inspired for this weekend. 

There's no reason I can't do what I did back then again. Time to go out and do it!
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#23
Friday Night

Met with one of the other guys in town. Bit disappointing that none of the other guys were out because I've been enjoying going out with a bigger group. 


We went to a rooftop bar and talked to the only group of girls in the whole bar. Not really my type of girls but stayed there for a while and chatted.


Seemed to be mostly guys around everywhere we went. But we found one bar that was busy and had a few more girls.


My friend approached two girls sitting together by singing Christmas carols to them. I talked to one, he talked to the other. She was nice enough but probably several years older than me. Felt like a very 'friendly' conversation.


We talked to a group of a 3-4 girls up by the bar. I got one on one with one of them who was probably my favourite girl I spoke to during the night. She was very attractive and responded well to me. But a few minutes in, the rest of her group were leaving and she had to go with them. I should've tried something to slow her down and get her number before they left. Have to play to win.


Later on my friend was talking to two girls and I joined them. I spoke to one of the girls who was French. She was getting really close to me and seemed interested but I couldn't understand half of what she was saying with her accent. 


I approached two girls who were sitting together. I talked to one of them while my friend talked to the other. It went pretty well, we were probably chatting for 15 minutes. I should've asked for her number at the end but I didn't. My friend couldn't understand why I didn't get her number. I was too afraid that she might say no - that's a fear I need to let go of.


Just before going home, a cute girl walking by herself walked past us and my friend started talking to her. She said she liked the way we approached her because some other guys had approached her before and were right up in her face. I liked her personality - very bright and cheerful. We exchanged Instagram's..

Saturday Night

I arrived in the city feeling quite good - was in the right head space for the night.

My friend and I approached two girls standing outside a bar. The one I spoke to was cool. Thought I did really well with this one. Compared to Friday night's interactions, this felt a lot more flirty. She was actually working at a nearby restaurant and on her break. So I got her number before she went back to work. 

My friend had brought santa hats for us. We were walking around with our santa hats and a girl from a group of cute Asians complimented us on the santa hats. She was very bright and bubbly so it was a fun interaction. She added both of us on Instagram.

We talked to several other groups of girls during the night. Most of them went fine but didn't really lead anywhere.

Probably my favourite girl I talked to during the night was visiting from another city. It was going pretty well until she mentioned that she was from another city. As soon as she said that, I thought to myself 'oh she's not from here, it won't work.' And following that I dropped my game a bit. Instead of thinking like that, I need to think 'how can I make this work.' I'm sabotaging myself with the way I think.

All night, I felt pretty good which made it a lot easier to talk to people. Unfortunately the city was a quieter than usual for a Saturday night which made it harder to take advantage of my good mood.

I was also relying too much on the other guys to do the approaches. Need to be more proactive about this.

Notes


-Need to do more approaches by myself instead of going in tandem with another guy. I often feel a bit uneasy when it's two of us, my best interactions are when I can get one on one with a girl.

-Need to play to win - make sure the girl knows I'm there because I'm attracted to her, not just for a friendly chat. 

-Need to become more comfortable with the uncomfortable. Those uncomfortable situations like going up to a complete stranger and saying hi. Throwing flirtatious comments into a conversation to spice it up. Asking for a phone number. Asking a potential client for the sale. If I can become comfortable with these things, then it will change everything.
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#24
Think we women got it pretty easy on the dating front. 
Put on a nice dress and go stand alone tend to work just fine.
Good on you for sharpening your pickup skills. 🥳
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#25
(12-23-2018, 07:14 PM)Jessicat Wrote: Think we women got it pretty easy on the dating front. 
Put on a nice dress and go stand alone tend to work just fine.
Good on you for sharpening your pickup skills. 🥳

Yeah I often wish it was that easy for us guys haha.

But I guess it probably makes the successes more rewarding when you feel like you've really had to work for it. Especially for us more introverted guys who weren't born with naturally good pickup skills.
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#26
Gonna keep an eye on this thread. 
Fun to read. 
🌈
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#27
(12-24-2018, 07:35 AM)bender22 Wrote: But I guess it probably makes the successes more rewarding when you feel like you've really had to work for it. Especially for us more introverted guys who weren't born with naturally good pickup skills.

And for people like myself who were born with none of these skills. I was a reader of your first journal and I am glad you are still doing well.

(12-23-2018, 07:14 PM)Jessicat Wrote: Think we women got it pretty easy on the dating front. 
Put on a nice dress and go stand alone tend to work just fine.
Good on you for sharpening your pickup skills. 🥳

Yes well, never mind.
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#28
Thanks Jessicat and BeyondShy. Also please feel free to add any of your own input or thoughts in here as I keep adding to this journal. Always nice to hear other people's feedback and ideas Smile

............................

I've just about finished listening to The Happiness Hypothesis audio book. Very interesting and thought provoking book.

There's a few things in the book that have really resonated with me.

On setting and achieving goals.....
  • Most of the pleasure comes from the process and the steps you take to achieve a goal, rather than the actual achievement of the goal
On your level of happiness....
  • People have a set-point level of happiness which is largely determined by genetics
  • Certain circumstances or actions will temporarily lower or increase a person's level of happiness, but they will eventually return to their set-point
  • People adapt to circumstances - both good and bad. This explains why lottery winners aren't much happier 12 months after their lottery win compared to before the lottery win. They have just adapted. Just like when you first buy a big TV, it looks huge for the first few weeks but then you adapt to it and it feels normal
  • Circumstances and voluntary actions do still affect your level of happiness - but maybe not as much as modern Western philosophy suggests
On the pursuit of wealth...
  • People who report the highest levels of interest in attaining wealth or fame are consistently found to be less happy than people who pursue less materialistic goals
  • Achieving goals that bring prestige feels good but brings no long lasting happiness
On freedom, choice and constraints...
  • Having more choice is not necessarily a good thing. People report being less happy when they are given more choice because they wonder if they made the wrong choice
  • People with fewer social constraints and obligations are more likely to commit suicide
I find that last point very interesting. In the past few years I have become very involved in the entrepreneurial community and consumed a lot of content from the thought leaders in this community. 

Something they really promote is the value of choice and freedom....When you have more money, you have more freedom to do the things you want, buy what you want and not have to answer to anyone.

Which all sounds very compelling if you take it on face value. But if the ideas presented in the Happiness Hypothesis are correct then that choice and freedom that comes from the accumulation of wealth may actually make you less happy!

This has really made me question my motivations for building my own business and it's made me question a lot of the advice I've accepted in the past few years. 

Maybe this entrepreneurial dream of building a profitable business that wins you the admiration of all your peers and gives you the money to buy and do what you want is just a load of marketing bullshit made up to sell books, courses and coaching.

I don't know...

Would I be happy if my business was generating millions and I had all the money I needed to do whatever I wanted and never had to work for anyone else again?

I think I probably would be. But would I be that much happier than I already am? I'm not so sure. 

If the set-point happiness theory is correct, then probably not.

Humans (myself included) have a nasty habit of always wanting more and not being satisfied with what they have.

And what would I have to sacrifice to achieve that vision? Building a business takes a lot of work, which means something needs to be sacrificed. 

If most of the pleasure comes from the process, then maybe the question I should ask myself is am I really enjoying the process? If I'm not, then I should be doing something else.

I think about some of my biggest business wins in 2018, like getting my biggest client so far. It was cool and it did make me quite happy for a while but that boost in happiness didn't last for a long time.

I will probably always have a desire to pursue something entrepreneurial during my life. But I'm wondering whether this would be better as a side project/hobby. 

I've been looking back at my happiest moments this year. They were pretty simple things that didn't cost much money. They were all experiences....

-Going to a jazz concert in Prague. I think the ticket cost me under $30 and it brought me far more pleasure than any other more expensive purchases I made during the year. 


-Relaxing in city parks. It just occurred to me this year that city parks (like a big, green park inside a city) make me happier than just about anything else. Just sitting down in one of these parks and relaxing on a nice, sunny day (especially in the evening) makes me incredibly happy. Vondel Park in Amsterdam, Maria Luisa Park in Seville, Stadtpark in Vienna (probably my favourite of 2018), Flagstaff Gardens in Melbourne, Yoyogi Park in Tokyo. I love these places! It doesn't cost anything to go to these parks and it makes me happier than probably almost any $1000 purchase would make me.

I think it's important to distinguish between what satisfies you vs what entices you.

One night stands, mansions, big business deals, a Dan Bilzerian lifestyle, cool cars....those things all entice me. The things that look really cool from the outside. Especially with social media, it's very easy to get caught in the shiny object trap and want those things.

I've had tastes of those types of things but they don't really satisfy me.

What satisfies me is those simple experiences above - jazz gig, city parks...

For just day to day general happiness, I think a sense that I'm working towards something worthwhile and developing as a person makes me happy.

In 2019 I need to think more about my priorities in life. Think about what makes me tick. 

I need to ask myself why I'm doing what I'm doing. Is it because I've been seduced by a dream sold by marketers that won't actually bring me happiness? The last thing I want to do is dedicate years towards something in hope of it bringing me satisfaction and happiness and then discover it was all a fruitless pursuit. 

I encourage everyone else to do the same.
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#29
I've been thinking about plans for 2019. Here's what I'd like to do...

SPEND MORE TIME DOING ACTIVITIES I ENJOY 
Besides the travelling I've done, in the past 2-3 years I've spent so much time sitting in front of a computer screen working on business or procrastinating. When I look back, 90% of that time has been unproductive.

In 2019 I want to use my time more productively and make more time for fun/memorable activities. Especially on weekends and evenings.

Things like hiking, going to gigs, playing tennis, eating out at restaurants, salsa dancing and going to special events.

Going to music gigs and concerts is definitely a big one. As I mentioned in my last post, one of my highlights of 2018 was going to a jazz gig in Prague. But I also went to several other gigs while in Europe and loved them. Until this year I don't think I'd ever been to music gigs before. Maybe one or two in my life.

FIND FEMALE FRIENDS TO JOIN ME ON THE ABOVE ACTIVITIES
I have a few female acquaintances in my life but none that I would really consider friends. 

I'd love to have a female friend who I could play tennis with.  Another one who I could go on hikes with. Another one who I could practice salsa dancing with...

PRACTICE NEW SKILLS
One of my highlights of 2018 was going to a tapas restaurant on my first night in Spain and being able to order my food and drinks without using any English. It made all the time I had spent learning Spanish worthwhile.

In 2019 I want to continue learning Spanish. Especially if I can turn it in to a more social activity by learning it with others people. Something I'd like to do is start a group of beginner - intermediate Spanish learners in my city and catch up once a month to practice.

I'm going to continue the salsa lessons I started this year. Even though I'm not very good at it yet, it's quite fun and a great way to meet new people. 

Besides Spanish and Salsa, I'd like to develop one more non-work related skill in 2019. Maybe cooking?

Not only do I think it's satisfying to learn new skills but it could also be a good way to meet girls who I wouldn't meet through online dating or going out to bars and clubs.

TRAVEL TO OR LIVE IN ASIA

After having two days in China this and 10 days in Japan last year, I've become extremely interested in Asian culture. The two days I had in China completely blew me away - I had no idea I would enjoy it so much.

I desperately want to return to Asia soon, maybe China or Singapore. I would even consider the possibility of working over there for a while in 2019 if the opportunity arose. But at the very least I hope to travel there.

LEARNING MORE ABOUT THINGS I'M INTERESTED IN

In the past 3-4 years, I've spent plenty of time learning about business and self development topics but there's so much more I'd like to dive into.

I'm fascinated by space. I'd love to learn more about history. Like I said above, I've developed an interest in Asian culture, which I'd like to learn much more about. I'm always interested in learning anything related to health and fitness.

Sometimes I'll watch a doco or read an article about these topics but it's pretty sporadic. 

In 2019, I want to set aside more time to learn about these topics and find other people who are interested in them as well.

MEDITATE REGULARLY 

I've meditated on and off four about five years or more but it's been very inconsistent. 

I'm fully bought into the benefits of meditation and really believe I would benefit from regular meditation. When I have meditated regularly in the past, I have noticed myself thinking more clearly and being less reactive to petty things.

But I've struggled to find the discipline to do it consistently.

I've just started a Headspace 30 day trial, which I'm liking so far. I've never really done guided meditations in the past but I think it probably suits me. It's helping me to better understand meditation.

I'd like to do at least 10 minutes of meditation every day in 2019.

DEVELOP MORE SELF AWARENESS

I think I already do have a lot more self awareness than the average person. But much less than the most self aware people.

What are my strengths? What are my shortcomings? Where am I lying to myself? What makes me tick? What biases influence my thinking and how?

These are the questions I want to answer in 2019.

WRITE MORE

I seriously benefit so much from writing out these journals. It helps me gain more clarity over my thoughts and goes a long way to developing the self awareness I mentioned above.

In 2018 I also wrote several blog posts on business topics which helped me to better understand those topics as well.

So whether it's writing journal entries on here or writing blog posts, I want to be writing consistently in 2019.

GET MORE DATES FROM ONLINE

Going out at night to meet girls is fun and something I plan to continue in 2019 but I think online dating makes a lot of sense. 

I'm probably only going to go out one or two nights a week but I can meet girls online seven days a week. And it's just more efficient. 

I've started to have a little success with online dating in the last few months. I'm getting matches, I'm getting some dates. But if I got some better photos and worked on my messaging. I could probably do a lot better.
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#30
(12-24-2018, 05:57 PM)bender22 Wrote: ....and BeyondShy. Also please feel free to add any of your own input or thoughts in here as I keep adding to this journal. Always nice to hear other people's feedback and ideas Smile

The only input I have is that I wish I could be you for one day. I am very happy for what you have accomplished. The only feedback I have for you is to keep on doing what you are doing. Enjoy yourself.
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