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Bender's Journal: Part 2
#41
Hi Bender

I do enjoy your experiences with the dating game .I was totally different only met three women before I became tied down as it were and one of these was a longish relationship which thinking back is a shame.Would have been much more fun the way your approaching it but willing you on mate so good to see someone living life to the fullest Smile
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#42
(01-28-2019, 01:35 PM)Joturbo Wrote: Hi Bender

I do enjoy your experiences with the dating game .I was totally different only met three women before I became tied down as it were and one of these was a longish relationship which thinking back is a shame.Would have been much more fun the way your approaching it but willing you on mate so good to see someone living life to the fullest Smile

Thanks for reading and commenting Joturbo Smile

There's a lot of good things about being in a long term relationship. But I'm very grateful for having had some of the experiences I've had in the dating game. It can be a lot of fun.

THURSDAY NIGHT DATE

Girl from Tinder. Went to the movies. Walked with her back to her car. Talked in the front seat for a while. Went to the back seat and fooled around a little. 

The whole time she had the car switched on, with music playing. We went back to the front seat so she could drive me back to my car. She switches on the car and the freaking battery had died! 

Haha, I awkwardly sat there with her while we waited for roadside assistance to come. It did think about getting out and walking back to my car but I'm guessing that wouldn't have left a very good impression with her. 😂

SATURDAY NIGHT

First half of the night, I spent far too much time standing around with the other guys. But I noticed I was getting a lot of looks from girls. Definitely more than usual. Even from more attractive girls who I usually don't get any looks from.

Those types of looks are like invitations to approach. But I wasn't approaching.

First one I did was two girls together. My friend was talking to another girl. So I went over to these two and said I was talking to them while my friend hit on another girl. Good opener. I should use that more.

They were pretty friendly. My friend came over and joined us after a few minutes. Didn't really go anywhere but was a good interaction for the first of the night.

Next one was a girl waiting at the bar. I was waiting for a drink and she looked over at me. She actually started talking first. Talked to her about her tattoo while I waited for my water. Turned out she had a boyfriend.

After getting a lot of looks and not really doing anything about them, I decided I had to start. 

We were walking out to the outside part of the venue and a group of girls was walking inside. One of them looked me right in the eyes. 

Almost missed this one too but quickly stopped her before she got away. It was a pretty high confidence approach. She was absolutely gorgeous. I pulled her into me, had my hands around her waist. I told her I loved the top she was wearing, said it was adorable and asked her name. She told me her name, I told her mine.

But her friends weren't stopping to wait. They were on their way inside and wanted her to come with them. I hesitated too much and let her go thinking I'd just find her later on.

I still cannot believe I let her get away without getting her number at least. You should've seen the way she was looking at me. If I had been quick enough, there's no doubt she would've given me her number. She looked like she was 15% in love with me and I was probably 15% in love with her.

AND.. you should've seen how attractive she was. Gorgeous face, amazing body. Oh my gosh. But my moment of hesitation cost me my chance with her. 

In these loud, high energy environments you really have to commit 100% to your approaches. Especially if it's a girl on the move with her friends. I was probably 80% committed which wasn't enough. 

Even though I'm beating myself up over it, I should give myself some credit. Most guys wouldn't have the confidence to stop a gorgeous girl like that with the confidence I had, while being completely sober. And it's cool that a girl like that was clearly into me.

But damn, I wish I'd got her number. 😕Huge missed opportunity.

There was another similar one soon after. I was walking in the outdoor part and two girls were walking towards me. One looked at me so I got right in front of her and stopped her. Pretty confident approach again.

She responded pretty well. But again I didn't commit 100%. Maybe 70%. Not enough to keep her there more than 30 seconds. 

After that, my friend introduced me to a group of girls he knew. We sat with them for a while. They seemed to like me. Nice group but I wasn't really attracted to any of them. 

I left the group to try and find more girls to talk to. But I was waiting for girls to look at me before approaching. And I wasn't getting as many looks as earlier, so I wasn't approaching.

Needed to be more proactive. I don't need girls to look at me first before approaching. 

Had a guy hit on me when I was walking back to my car. Seems like dudes find me more attractive than girls do lol.

Went home kicking myself for not getting that girl's number.

...................

Making more effort with my fashion seems to be paying off. Probably part of the reason I was getting a lot of looks last night. Girls notice. The girl from Thursday night said I dress well. And a few other people have made similar comments recently. 

I spent quite a lot of time at the end of 2018 researching mens fashion. I was honestly a little clueless before this. That research helped me figure out what looks good and made me more attuned to style concepts like colour combinations, fit, etc...

Made me realize I was probably committing a few fashion crimes in the past. Should have taken the time to learn about fashion much earlier.

For any guys aged between 18-35 who want to improve their style, I'd suggest Alex Costa's Youtube channel and also Teachingmensfashion channel.
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#43
UPDATES

Nothing terribly exciting to report on over the past week so I'll keep this brief.

-Had a date during the week. Went fine, nice enough girl but she talked a bit too much for me. Would prefer a girl who's a little quieter like myself.

-Went out on Friday night. Talked to a few girls together with my friend. Wasn't too excited about any of them.

-Went out on Saturday night and wasted most of the night not doing anything. Pretty disappointing really. Just couldn't manage to get myself switched on.

-First girl I talked to on Saturday night actually talked to me first. Talked to her for a bit and her friends. I could have done more with this, especially when she talked to me first. But I was just feeling awkward.

-Saw several girls who I thought were really attractive but was too afraid to approach them. Really need to do more of these approaches. Some won't go very well but there will always be some who like me.

-I got another job offer in another state. I think I should take the offer. It will definitely push me outside of my comfort zone and that will probably do me a lot of good.
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#44
RELOCATING

It's now official, I'll be moving to a new city in under three weeks. Scary and exciting at the same time. I don't really no any one there so it's going to be a challenge.

But I think it might be just what I need. It will really be the first time in my life I've been 100% on my own and completely responsible for myself. It's going to force me to be more independent and step outside of my comfort zone to make new friends and meet new people.

I'm hoping that taking on that extra responsibility and showing myself that I can handle it will make me a more confident person.

Leaving the city I've lived my entire life is somewhat daunting though. My friends, family, work and everything is here and I'll be leaving that all behind. I guess the fact that I only have a small family and not a huge group of friends makes it a little easier.

NIGHTS OUT

Since making the decision to take the job and move, I've been pretty busy starting to get things organized. So there hasn't been a lot of time to get out and organize dates.

Went out on Friday night with a few people. It's festival season here, which means it's a great time to go out and meet people. Talked to a few groups of girls together with one of the other guys but didn't do much. Mostly just talking to friends.

Same deal on Saturday - went out with a small group of other guys. We talked to a few groups of girls during the night.

Best one was a mother and daughter together. My friend did the approach and I joined him shortly after. He's into older women so he took the mum, I took the daughter. The daughter was really gorgeous - 21 years old. 

We were talking to them for about 15 minutes. I wasn't really switched on as I'd like to be but I did enough to keep the interaction going with the daughter. Before they left, I got the daughter's Instagram.

I think I might actually start prioritizing an Instagram exchange over number exchange from now on. Firstly, there's less friction than asking for a number. Most girl's will be happy to give you their Instagram, even when they wouldn't give their number.

You can send messages, just like you would with text. They're less likely to forget who you are, because they can see you. And if you do Instagram stories, you can see if they're watching your stories. 

Could be really helpful when I move cities too. I can use it to see what types of places the girls I meet are going to in the city.

Besides the mother daughter interaction, there wasn't too much to report. I left fairly early. When I was walking back to my car, I was getting down on myself for not actually approaching girls myself - always waiting for the other guys to do it. When I move cities, I'm not going to have them there approaching with me so I'll need to be able to do it myself.

So I told myself that I had to talk to at least one girl before I went home. Saw a girl on her own, waiting near the road. Made eye contact with her as I walked towards her so I talked to her straight away. She responded well. But I only had a few minutes to speak to her then her Uber arrived. Glad I did the approach at least.

About to go out on a Tinder date...should be fun!
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#45
Dates

Saw a girl from Tinder for a third date last Sunday. To briefly summarize the date - bar > beach walk > my car. Had some fun with her but don't think she'd be the type of girl I'd want a relationship with. 

Another girl from Tinder on Wednesday night. Liked this girl quite a lot. She was attractive, smart, easy to talk to, good sense of humour. We went to my usual spot for dates - bar at the beach. We got a drink and talked at the bar for a while then went out for a walk by the beach.

Everything went pretty well but a few things I could've done better. A lot of the time she was leading where the conversation went. I think it's better when I lead the conversation myself. Also spent a lot of time on fairly 'safe topics' rather than moving the conversation towards more edgy topics as I talked about before. 

She was probably my favourite girl out of the ones I've been on dates with since my breakup. Of course I'd have to meet her just before I'm moving to another city haha.... She said she had a good time too so I think she liked me.

Friday night

Went out to one of the festival venues in the city. I was on my own for about 45 minutes before my friend got there. Talked to one girl who sat near me for a while. She responded pretty well, then a few minutes in a guy she knew came over and joined her. Not sure if it was her boyfriend or just a friend. 

I approached a group of three girls just before my friend arrived. They all talked to me but didn't seem terribly interested. It was probably a slightly weak approach on my part.

When my friend arrived, he had two girls with him who he'd just met. They were a bit older. Seemed like nice girls, we talked to them for a while. It was probably my most solid interaction of the night. Got one of their Instagram's before they left. 

After that we bumped into a group of girls who had met my friend earlier in the week and recognized him. Interesting interaction...they were a bit 'out there.' We sat with them for about 15 minutes then went our separate ways.

Bumped into some other guys after that and spent most of the time talking to them. 

When I move cities, I'm probably going to have to go out solo if I want to go to bars and meet girls. And that might actually be a good thing. When you're out with other friends, it's like having a safety net. And it's very easy to just stand around talking to them instead of going and introducing yourself to new people. 

When I go out tonight, I might try to get there a little earlier so I can approach some girls when I'm on my own. I've only got tonight and next weekend in my city before leaving so need to make the most of it!
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#46
Saturday Night

I'm a bit late writing this one up, so I may have forgotten a few things. We went to the big outdoor, festival venue again. Great place for meeting people. 

Talked to some girls together with my friend. Honestly, wondering whether doing these approaches together with him is doing me more harm than good at this point. Firstly, he talks to mostly women who I'm just not interested in. And then his style is just so different to mine, it doesn't really work. I suppose it's good just to be talking to people though.

Best thing I remember from the night was approaching the girl who I met out about a month ago and made out with her. She was sitting with her friend. I went over to approach, not 100% if it was her or not then realized it was as I got closer. 

She remembered me and seemed happy to see me again. Talked with her and her friend for a while. She even complimented me on my approach last time we met. She said I caught her off guard and got her very intrigued. 

Her and her friend were going off to another place. I texted her later that night but didn't get a reply until the next day. Told her I'd be leaving and moving to another city soon. I asked her if she'd be coming out for my last night in our city to say goodbye. She said of course! Not sure if she actually will but I hope she does because she's really hot haha.

I also remember approaching a girl on my own during the night. Who I quickly discovered had her boyfriend just behind her. Then I approached two women who looked good from a distance. When I got up close and talked to them, I realized they were a lot older than they looked from a distance lol. 

Dates

I organised back to back dates for last night. First one was with a girl who I've seen a few times before already. We met on Okcupid but it kind of felt like we were hanging out as friends more than anything romantic the last two times we went out. 

Which I was okay with. She's not really my type romantically, but she's nice to hang out with and I need some more female friends anyway. She actually messaged me later saying she felt like we were hanging out as friends too. She did say I am the type of guy she would like to date though.

I felt a little guilty because it seems like she feels more strongly about me than I realized and she was quite sad that I'm leaving and it would be our last time hanging out. 

She is more of a shy and innocent type of girl. I remember the first date we went on she was extremely shy and uncomfortable. She was even afraid to hug me lol. But this time she was a lot more confident and opened up much more. I think I'm good at getting those type of girls to feel comfortable and open up more when they spend time with me. When I said goodbye to her, she gave me a big hug this time. Much different to the first date.

The second date was with the girl who I went out with last week and liked. Had a really good time with her again. We went to one of my favourite places in my city for desserts and drinks. It's perfect for dates. I took my ex there on our second date and have had several other dates there over the years. 

I wanted one more date there before I leave. She's new to the city and had never been there, so it was cool to show it to her. 

We stayed there for about 3 hours, which is a lot longer than I'd normally spend with a girl in one place. But the time flew by. The conversation just flowed really naturally during that 3 hours. Quite a contrast to the girl before, where it felt like I was often forcing the conversation.

I do like this girl quite a bit. She's the type of girl I'd be excited about introducing to my friends and family. It's a shame that I'll probably never see her again because I'm moving. Sad 

On our first date, I didn't even kiss her...Even though I wanted to. I guess I was overcome by my shyness. And I felt stupid for not doing so after.

This time she was wearing bright red lipstick, which was a real turn on lol. All night I was looking at her lips thinking I had to kiss her. 

We went outside and talked a bit then said goodbye. I hugged her without kissing her then kept talking. Inside my mind I was thinking 'bender...you fucking idiot, you're probably never going to see her again...what are you doing??'

I said to her 'well in case I never see you again, I want to kiss you.' She smiled and said 'sure' and I kissed her. Probably wasn't my smoothest work ever but I definitely enjoyed the kiss. 

I told her she would have to come and visit me in my new city so I could kiss her again. She said that would be a good reason to visit.

I'm still really awkward with saying goodbye at the end of a date haha. 

.............................................

It's my last weekend going out in my city before I move. I'm a little sad to be leaving it all behind but trying not to think about it that way to much.

This is the busiest weekend of the year in my city so it should be a good time to make the most of it before I leave. I want Saturday night to be a great night to remember. I'll be saying goodbye to some friends but also need to talk to lots of girls before I go! Making the commitment, right here to do plenty of approaches Saturday night.

.................

I was just thinking about my last day in my current job at the gym, which will be next Tuesday. I thought to myself I should try to put in extra effort to make it a special session for all the members who are there that day.

But then it made me think well why didn't I put in that extra effort every day I went to work? Don't get me wrong...I have been a good reliable employee at that job and I've helped a lot of people there. But I could've given more.

It's the same with business and every night I go out. I'm not giving it 100% effort. 

In my business, I could've made more calls...organized more sales appointments...done more for my clients. But there's times where I get lazy, lose focus and want to just do what's comfortable. I wonder where my business would be if I had put in more effort...how many clients I'd have, how much money I'd be making?

And with these nights I write about in this journal.. I'm certainly not operating at 100%. Every night I could've approached more girls...taken more risks...asked for more numbers. But fear and desire for comfort stop me from putting in that extra effort.

I don't know if some of these journals sound impressive to people reading them. I guess it is impressive in a way, considering how shy and hopeless with the opposite sex I once was.

But it could be so much more impressive if I put in the extra effort. I could have incredible stories to tell from my nights out.

I recently read the book Can't Hurt Me by David Goggins, a former navy seal. Great story. He's someone who would always go way beyond everyone else in terms of the effort he put into his training. And he had a lot of successes because he was willing to do so. (Although he is an extreme case...it's probably not advisable to go to the same lengths he did - I think there is a place taking your foot off the pedal and seeking comfort at times)

One of the things he talked about in the book was 'the 40% rule.' He said that when most people think they have reached their limits, they're only going at 40% of what they're capable of.

In reality, most people probably don't even reach 40%. And then those people will blame other people and external circumstances for not getting what they want, instead of putting in the extra effort. I'm probably operating at less than 30% during my nights out and maybe even in my business. But one of my biggest strengths is that I usually take full responsibility for where I'm at. I'll rarely blame others for me not having exactly what I want. I know that if I want to achieve more, I need to put in the extra effort.

I wonder how different my life would look if I was at even 70-80% in both my work life and social life.

Maybe this move will be a turning point in my life. I'm going to be throwing all the comforts of my own home and hometown out the window. And I'm hoping that will make me less attached to my comfort zone and more willing to put in the extra effort, even when it's not comfortable. Only time will tell...
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#47
Friday/Saturday night

These weren't exactly the memorable final nights out in my city I was hoping for. It was nice to see a few friends before I leave but that was about all.

On Saturday night, I approached two girls together. They either had no idea what was going on or were completely not interested in me. I saw a couple of guys nearby looking over as I was trying to talk to them. Soon, they were over with me and the two girls. They knew the girls somehow, not sure whether friends or boyfriends.

One of the guys was alright but the other one seemed to be trying to impress the girls by brushing me off. He came off as a complete knob. I ejected after that.

Talked to the girls behind me when I was lining up for another place. They responded fine but I lost them when I got inside.

Another one where I saw a girl walking towards me inside and looked at me. I tapped her to get her attention. That was a good stop. But then I completely flopped when I started talking to her. Didn't last long.

Might have been a few others I did with the other guys but nothing that resulted in anything interesting.

Went home pretty pissed off with myself for not making more of my final night out.
..................................

I think the dating strategy for when I move needs to consist around....

-online dating...seems to be the easiest way to consistently meet girls and set up dates

-social activities...I need to join a salsa dancing school and try to meet people through that as early as possible

-short nights out on my own...I should be living closer to the bars and clubs in my new city so it will make it easier to go out. But I don't want to be having late nights out like I have been recently. It's not healthy and kills my productivity too much over the weekend. I think if I'm going out alone, I can meet as many new people in 2-3 hours as I would normally meet in 4-5 hours because I won't be spending all that time standing around talking to the other guys.
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#48
I moved to my new city a few days ago. Don't have a permanent home yet, just staying in an Airbnb.

So far I haven't done much in terms of meeting new people and developing a social life up here. Most of my time has been spent so far on finding somewhere to live, getting familiar with the area and getting good sleep.

I found a salsa dancing school in the area, which I'm hoping to attend this Wednesday night. I went for a trial session at a gym in the area I'm hoping to live in, which looked good. Seemed to be a lot of cute girls there which is nice. I've identified some of the trendy looking bars and clubs in the area, which I'll have to take a look at soon.

So far I haven't spent much time on online dating. Just a couple of Tinder matches. I'm waiting until I have my living situation sorted out before I go heavy on the online dating.

I've recently been watching an online course that teaches you how to build your social circle. It shows you ways to get in with the socialites in your city, attend high end events, run your own events like big parties and international party trips and how to use your social circle to meet the hottest women in your city.

This type of glamorous lifestyle does sound cool and appealing to me at first, but when I thought about it more, I realised that's not exactly the type of lifestyle that I should pursue.

Instead of huge parties and high end events, I'd prefer more low key get togethers with just a small group of people. Or hanging out with people I really like one on one, which I usually much prefer over group activities.

Instead of the hottest, model/socialite girls in the city, I'd prefer to meet the more innocent type of girl who may not necessarily be as physically attractive but is a lot easier to get along with.

That being said, there are still some valuable concepts to take away from this course that I could apply to build a social life more suited to me.

It did get me thinking about what my ideal social life would actually look like. I think I need to define exactly what this ideal social life would look life so I can work out steps needed to get there.

I asked myself what my ideal week would look like in terms of social activities. Usually I work during the day so I just focused on nights. This is what I came up with...

Monday: Me time/relaxation night
Tuesday: Drinks at a bar/meal at restaurant/music gig – any of these options with either a date or friend
Wednesday: Salsa dancing lesson
Thursday: Me time/relaxation night
Friday: Bar/nightclub
Saturday: Bar/nightclub
Sunday: Drinks at a bar/meal at restaurant/music gig/drink & TV/movie at my place – any of these options with either a date or friend

If you're reading this, think about what your ideal social week would look like and reply with your Monday - Sunday. I'm curious to see what would appeal to other people.
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#49
I've been pretty busy in the past week searching for a place to rent and starting my new job. So unfortunately I haven't done too much social stuff.

But...

I did have a really cool date during the week. Girl from Bumble. I was waiting for her outside the bar we were meeting, just looking at my phone.

I turned around and there she was looking way hotter than she did in her photos. She had a nice dress, heels, red lipstick, hair looked good. Very nice indeed!

And she turned out to be pretty cool too. She was able to hold a good conversation but wasn't overly talkative like some girls. 

I definitely perform better on dates when I'm really attracted to the girl. It's like a switch in my brain goes off and takes me to the next level. 

We were at the bar for almost 3 hours. Which I still think is too long to stay in one place on a date, but whatever. 

The first 1 - 1.5 hours was pretty standard getting to know you stuff. Then after that I tried to get onto more 'sexy' topics to make sure I didn't end up in the friendzone. 

I could see her becoming more attracted to me as the date went on. There was that look in her eyes, she was just looking at me and smiling but not saying anything. It was really cute. The type of look your girlfriend would give you when she's totally in love with you and having a great time.

When we left the bar I kissed her before we went our separate ways. I'd been wanting to do that since I first saw her.

Anyway, good date...would like to see her again.

....................................

I've just signed a lease for a place to live. It's a 5 minute walk from bars, restaurants and even a few nightclubs, which is going to be perfect! I move in next Friday.

I'll be in Sydney for a few days this week for work. Not sure how much spare time I'll have but hoping I'll get a chance for some Tinder action or to have a look at some bars.

Not much else to report. If the weather clears up tomorrow, maybe I'll try to go out during the day and meet some new people.
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#50
Finally, I've started going out and meeting people here in my new city.

During the week I went along to one of the salsa dancing schools here and did a lesson. I liked the vibe there a lot, everyone seems friendly. I've got a trial pass, so I'll continue going along there for at least the next few weeks.

On Friday night I went out to one of the nightclubs just down the road from me. I struck up a conversation with a group of 5-6 people in the line. Didn't do too much once I got inside, just looked around. I talked to one of the guys who was working there..that's about it. 

This club is about a 5 minute walk from where I'm living so it would be an ideal venue if it's good. There were definitely some attractive girls there but a lot of them were really young. I didn't stay there too long so it's hard to judge but I have mixed feelings about it at the moment. There's another club just around the corner too which could be better.

I went out on Saturday night as well. Mostly just to get a sense of what type of venues are around and what type of crowd is there. I went to the main party district in the city.

One of the club promoters gave me a stamp for free entry to one of the clubs so I went there. Talked to some people in the line before going into the club. 

I got inside and spent a lot of time just wondering around, not talking to anyone. Eventually I talked to a couple of guys standing near me. They were pretty friendly... one was from France and the other from Brazil. The Brazilian guy introduced me to one of the girls he'd met. I hung around them for a while.

There were a lot of girls in this club but I was having a lot of trouble getting myself to approach them.

I have to admit, going out alone in a new city where you don't know anyone is daunting. It almost feels like I'm starting from scratch again. 

I like the idea of going out alone to start off with and make some friends along the way. I think going out alone will probably expose my weaknesses a lot faster and make me realize what I need to work on. But it's going to be really hard.

Although I didn't really do much on Friday and Saturday night, I was starting to see the pieces of the puzzle needed to build a good social circle here and how they would fit together.

Instead of just talking to one or two groups of people, I need to talk to 5-10 and rotate between them. Standing around by yourself, really lowers your value in the club. But if I had several groups of people to bounce between then I'd start to look a lot higher value.

Out of those 5-10 groups, hopefully at least 2-3 I'd click with and could keep going back to them during the night and then connect with them through Instagram, text, etc so I could meet them at bars and clubs again in future.

Then those 2-3 groups could introduce me to the people they know and hopefully introduce me to girls so I'm not relying on cold approaches. All the time.

I think think I also need to be conscious of the types of people who I could benefit from meeting. The guys who already have all the girls around them, the people in VIP areas, the promoters, bartenders. If I want to be meeting the most attractive girls here, these are the people who could introduce me to them.

The club promoter who gave me the stamp for free entry...I should've stopped and talked to him for a while - even just to get more insider knowledge on what places are good, best nights to go out, etc... Or the guy working at the club on Friday night who I spoke to...if I end up going there regularly he would probably be able to introduce me to lots of people.

I can already see there's a lot of different dynamics at play here than in my old city. In terms of nightlife, it's probably more comparable to a Las Vegas or LA, where knowing the right people (like those mentioned above) could have an exponential return.
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