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Bender's Journal: Part 2
#51
I went out for a quick look at one of the clubs down the road on Friday night. Only stayed for about 10 minutes and talked to one guy while I was there. Last night I had a quick look at the casino down the road. Looked alright, there were a few cute younger girls around but mostly older women.

I'm just not feeling very motivated to go out and meet people here at the moment. It's a lot easier to sit at home and work on business or read a book. Probably not having people to go out with is making it harder to motivate myself to go out too.

My housemate said he'd be keen to go out soon but he's away at the moment. Hopefully I'll feel like going out more when he's able to join me.

Even online dating, I haven't had much motivation to be very active with lately.

I think part of it is the type of girls around here. At least the ones in the bars and clubs. I'm getting the sense that a lot of them are very fake and immature. It's hard for me to get excited about meeting those type of girls, even if they are physically attractive.

I'm still going along to weekly salsa classes and some of the girls there seem pretty nice. Just need to talk to them more.

Hopefully I can find a way to get myself more motivated and make this journal a little more interesting again!
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#52
A few more interesting things to report finally!


I've still been going along to salsa classes each week. The past few weeks I've talked to a really cute French girl there. She looks like my type and seems pretty friendly. Will definitely try to get to know her more.

Tinder Dates
Last Sunday I had a date with a girl from Tinder. Met up with her at a bar just down the road for a drink. The conversation went well. Got onto more sexual and edgy topics pretty quickly.

I'm super in my comfort zone on these type of dates now. They seem to bring out the best in me. I probably sound more confident on a date with a girl, having a drink than I do anywhere else.

After a few drinks, I suggested we go for a walk outside near the beach. We walked for a while then sat down. Things were definitely going in the right direction, she was definitely attracted to me, so I kissed her. 

It started raining pretty heavy and it was getting late so I asked if she could drive me back down the road to my apartment. She drove me back. When we got back to my place I tried to subtly suggest she come in with me by asking if she wanted a towel or hair dryer to dry herself after the rain. She said that was okay and then we kissed before she took off.

When she got home she messaged me asking if I was inviting her up. (I don't think she realised at the time lol...must have been to subtle). She said she would've come up if it wasn't so late.

I got a few more messages from her the next day making it very clear she was into me and wanted to hang out again.
I invited her to come straight over to my apartment on Wednesday night for some drinks, which she agreed to. 

She came over Wednesday night and we had a good time! Wish I'd had my own apartment in a good location years earlier. It's going to make dating so much easier haha.

Friday Night
My housemate was back and keen to go out on Friday night. We went to the nightclub just down the road.

It was much better with someone else to go out with. He called up one of his female friends who was going out too and she was with another girl. So they met up with us at this club too.

When we were lining up for the club, there was a group of girls in front of us asking if we wanted to join them on the VIP list so they could get free drinks. We talked to them for a while but they were really drunk and kind of annoying.

We got inside and met up with my housemate's friend and her other friend. They were both older than me but still attractive. I started talking to the other friend - Katie. I found out a little later that Katie was into me so I kept talking to her more during the night. SHe was pretty flirty, which was cool.

My housemate and I sat at one of the tables and then a group of 3 girls came over. They said they had the table booked for bottle service but we could stay.

We didn't say much to them at first. I spoke a little bit to the girl closest to me but couldn't get much conversation going. 
When their drinks arrived, they offered us a drink. My housemate wasn't drinking but I had one. 

We still hadn't spoken to them much. Then a couple of girls came over to my housemate and I. Firstly, one of them asked my housemate if I was single. He didn't hear what she said. Then she said to him are either of you single, and he said he was. She asked if she could kiss him - it was part of one of those type of games girls do on hens nights where they have a list of challenges to complete.

But that got the other girls at our table talking more. They wanted to know what happened and it opened up the conversation with them.

A little later, the most attractive girl in the group came over and sat in the chair next to me. She was really cute, 20 years old, great body. She offered me another drink. I said yes and thanked her, calling her by name.

She was impressed that I remembered her name from 15 minutes ago and leaned over and kissed me.

The girls we met up with at the start of the night came over to our table and talked to us and the other girls. I think it probably helped a lot having girls with us because other girls could see that we weren't just a couple weird creepy guys on our own.

A bit later the girl who I kissed at our table came over to me again. She asked if I could buy her a drink because they gave me drinks before. 

I walked with her to the bar and said I'd buy her a drink if she made out with me right there. At first she said, 'why do you want to makeout with me? You're a hot guy, you could makeout with plenty of other girls in here.'

I told her I wanted her. She said okay and made out with me Smile 

Although I was happy to makeout with a really gorgeous girl, I was disappointed with myself for not going for more. I thought at the time, I'd just play it cool and then find her later on and talk to her more then. But I should've talked to her more at the bar while she was there with me and got her number instead of hoping something would happen later. 

I went looking for her later in the night but she must have left. Pretty disappointed that I didn't get her number or instagram. 

When I was back at our table, a couple of girls came over to the table and we started talking to them. I told the one I was talking to that I'd been learning salsa dancing and said I could teach her. I showed her some basic salsa steps next to our table. My housemate told me later that this caught the attention of some of the other girls around who looked impressed.

I went over to the dancefloor with this girl for a while. I'm still pretty hopeless on the dancefloor, I just look awkward. She ended up going back to the bar to get a drink with her friend. They came up to me later in the night and I danced with them again. Then I saw them out the front when I was leaving and got their Instgrams. 

I kept talking to Katie a lot during the night. She seemed pretty keen on me. I possibly could've hooked up with her if I'd just stayed talking to her. But then I kept going off and talking to these other girls. Oh well, I'll probably see her again at some point.
Definitely my best night out since I've moved.

Saturday night
My housemate and I went to the same club as the previous night. We're going to make this our regular place. We can walk there in 5 minutes from our apartment, it has a good vibe and there are lots of attractive girls there.

The first few hours we just sat at one of the tables talking to each other. I wanted to talk to some of the girls around but just couldn't push myself to do it. 

We talked to a couple of other guys who were part of a big birthday group.
There was one incredibly stunning blonde girl who was at the table next to us. Best looking girl at the club besides one of the staff. I was looking over at her a lot.

I saw her friends had gone over to the bar and she was by herself at the table. I was amazed that no other guys had gone over and talked to her so I decided I'd do it myself.

I went over and started chatting with her. She responded fairly well and seemed friendly. I didn't have any problem talking to her but I probably made the conversation a little too logical and platonic. Needed to be more flirty. Her friend came back and I introduced myself to her as well.

I didn't stay there for long after the friend came back. But I was proud of myself for approaching the best looking girl in the club.
When I went back to my housemate, he was talking to another girl at our table. I introduced myself to her. She was with her boyfriend and a few other people. After we were talking for a while, she asked me what type of girl I was into. I told her and she said she might have someone for me.

She left and came back a few minutes later with a friend of hers and introduced us. I chatted to the friend for a while. She seemed alright but not sure if she was really my type. I got her Facebook. 

A little later, we were at our table and this girl came over and leaned on our table. She was by herself and just looking at her phone. My housemate and I didn't say anything to her for a few minutes. Then I said to her it was $5 to sit at our table. 

She laughed at that and it opened up the conversation. She'd lost her friends and was waiting for them to text her. We talked to her for a while as she waited for her friends. She was pretty cute and seemed friendly.

When she heard from her friends, they said they had a booth over the other end of the club. She invited us to come with her to the booth.

We went over with her and she introduced us to some of her friends at the booth. I talked to a few of her friends for a while then chatted more to her again.

It was getting late so my housemate and I decided to head home. But we got her contact details before we left. She seems like a cool girl who would probably be a good friend to catch up with.

Turned into a decent night, but not as good as Friday, I just need to be more social when we go out. Make friends with people. Talk to more girls. Get to know the staff. Don't spend so much time sitting around doing nothing. 

The girls who work at this club are all really attractive. Next time we go, we need to get to know them. There's a few girls there who are in charge of the bottle service. Most of the time they're just walking around looking pretty. So I should really introduce myself to them, just so they know me and I can say hello to them whenever we're there. 
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#53
Friday Night


There's a music festival nearby this weekend which I went to with my housemate and one of his friends. We ended up meeting a few other people there who I didn't know.

I'm still pretty uncomfortable in these bigger group social situations. I tend to go into my shell more, especially if the others in the group are bigger personalities. I also find myself thinking I should act more like the others in the group instead of being myself.

After the concert, we went to the same club as last weekend. Mostly just stood around a table talking to my housemate and his friend. They left fairly early so I stayed around after they left.

It wasn't as good there as the previous week, unfortunately. More of a rougher crowd and not so many people.

I went over to the dancefloor and saw a South American girl look at me. I looked at her and pointed. She pointed back so I held my hand out which she grabbed and then pulled her into me. Danced and talked with her for a while. But she was pretty drunk.

I talked to a few guys in there and then went home.

Saturday Night

Went out to a bar down the road with my housemate and two of his friends from the night before. Felt more comfortable on this occasion in the group situation, although I was still probably the quietest in the group.

After that, my housemate and I went to a cocktail bar nearby. Seems like a great venue to go to. It's on the 20th floor at the casino building with amazing views out over the city and it attracts a more classy crowd than the nightclub we've been going to. More likely to find girlfriend material here.

When we got in we went over to the bar to get waters and I opened a conversation with the two girls in front of us. They responded pretty well and we chatted to them for a bit, while we waited for drinks. One of them was celebrating her birthday and tried to get us to buy her a drink. I don't like it when girls ask you to buy them drinks.

We went outside and were chatting next to a group of three - one guy and two girls on a lounge. The guy got up and left so I thought it would be a good chance to talk to the girls. I called out one of them on not wearing black, because myself, my housemate and her friend were all wearing black. 

It opened up really strong. Talked to them for a few minutes and introduced them to my housemate. Then the guy came back and I talked to him as well. I discovered that one of the girls was his ex but I didn't know which one, which made it a little awkward. 

The guy and one of the girls went to the bar to get a drink. And at the same time, my housemate decided to go home. So I was one on one with the other girl, who was probably the most attractive one. I sat next to her on the lounge and talked. I often start off well in the conversation but then default back into very safe, boring interview style questions. Which is what I did here and a few more times during the night.

When the other two came back from the bar, I stayed around and talked to the three of them for a while but it felt a bit awkward with one of the girls being the guy's ex so I decided to take off.

I went back inside and talked to the two girls we spoke to at the bar before. They asked what happened to my housemate and I told them he went on a Grindr date lol.

I went back outside and found a table to sit at with one older guy. Talked to him for a while and it turned out he was from the same state as me. 

I turned around and saw there were two really gorgeous blondes sitting at the table next to me so I started chatting to them. Once again, I started out really strong, got a great response from them but then defaulted back into boring, small talk. They ended up leaving to go to the bathroom.

After they left, a guy and girl came over to that table. I said hello to them and they were super friendly. I found out they weren't a couple, just housemates. The guy went to the bar to get a drink so I was chatting one on one with the girl. She was asking me a lot of questions and seemed interested.

She wasn't really my type but could be a good friend to catch up with when we go out some nights. I saw them a little later in the night and they suggested adding each other on Facebook and said it would be good to catch up some time. 

I saw the two girls from the bar again and talked to them again. They were just visiting so they asked me what places I'd recommend nearby. I suggested the nightclub I've been going to and they ended up going there. I probably could've gone with them but wasn't really that keen. I got one of their Instagram's before they left. 

I talked to a few more guys and girls during the night but nothing very exciting to report. Think I did really well after my housemate left, considering I was on my own, not drinking and still managed to talk to a lot of people. 

Looking forward to going back to this bar. It seems very easy to talk to people there and everyone is pretty friendly.
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#54
This post is going to be more introspection rather than reporting on any nights out or dates. Since moving to a new city, I've been so much busier than I previously was and unfortunately that's left me with very little time for deep introspection and reflecting on my situation. 


I haven't written in here much lately. Partly because I've been busy. But mostly because I just haven't been taking much action to go out and meet new people and improve my dating/social life.

I went out last night with my housemate. There were lots of attractive girls around but I just couldn't get myself to talk any of them. It was pathetic.

As I was walking home at the end of the night, I felt angry. I felt like a loser and got really upset with myself for not taking action.
And I think that's probably a good thing. I think back to 3-4 years ago when I was going out a lot, If I had a night out where I didn't talk to any girls or I felt like I didn't perform as well as I should have, I would drive home and feel super pissed with myself. The next day I would feel like shit for not taking action.

That anger would usually light a fire under my ass, motivating me to do better next time.

But since being single again, I just haven't felt that same anger after bad nights. Despite having a lot of nights where I haven't done what I know I should be doing. I'm never going to improve my social skills and dating life as much as I want if I can't even get myself to talk to people when I go out.

So I was glad to feel that anger and frustration with myself as I walked home last night. Some of the anger was probably even manufactured in an attempt to motivate myself. 

But even this morning, as I write this just 9-10 hours after walking home, most of that anger and frustration has dissipated. I think in order to be driven to put in the effort to make big changes in your life you need a strong emotional push.

Either strong negative emotions about your current situation which drives you to improve it. Or very strong feelings of excitement about your ideal future situation, which drives you to move towards that.

The reason I originally got into this whole journey of self-improvement, going out, trying to improve my dating and social life was because I was so fed up with my situation. I was a 21-year-old with not many friends, who had basically never had any success with girls whatsoever. 

And I hated being in that situation. I'd often sit in my bed and cry because it made me feel so worthless. 

That was the fuel I needed to motivate me to make changes and make a decision that I was going to improve those areas of my life. 
If I hadn't been so depressed and frustrated with my situation back then, I never would have gone out and talked to hundreds of girls, met thousands of people and made huge progress with my dating life.

Sadly, I feel like I just don't have that same emotional leverage needed to motivate myself anymore. And I don't know what it will take to get it.

In the past 3-4 years, I've probably become a lot more contented. I am much more content with the person I am, what I have and my overall situation.

That's probably a good thing in many ways because it makes me fairly emotionally stable. I don't usually feel massive lows and depression. I also don't feel massive highs or excitement. Day to day, I'm generally fairly happy. I have my bad days but they usually aren't terrible.

But the problem is that without those lows and strong, negative emotions, where does the motivation to improve come from?
Any motivation I do have is very fleeting.

This applies to other areas of my life as well. Being so content with everything makes it difficult for me to find the motivation to grow my business more or to perform better in my job and go past a level of mediocrity. 

I want to make more friends, meet beautiful women, find an amazing girlfriend, grow my business but I just don't want these things enough in order to take the actions to obtain them.

I remember in the past, realizing that I would need a lot of emotional leverage - in the form of pain or fear in order to make myself follow through with some big changes in my life. I tried a few different strategies to manufacture this pain and fear.

I remember writing out what my life would look like if I never made any changes. How I would be old, lonely and full of regret. I remember searching for stories of elderly people who knew they had fucked up in their life by not fully pursuing the things they wanted during their life, hoping that seeing the pain of regret in them would scare me into taking action.

It's hard to say whether doing these things helped or not. Maybe they did. Maybe that's why I was able to take a lot of action and make some big changes in my life between the years 2014-2016. So perhaps I should try that again.

Or perhaps I just need to commit to taking action, regardless of how motivated I feel. In the past, I did things like 30 day challenges or committing to talking to X number of new people every day. It might be worthwhile starting with something like that just to build some momentum.

But if the underlying issue is a lack of motivation as I suspect it might be, then I'm not sure if a 30 day challenge will make much difference until I address the underlying issue.

On another note, Tinder sucks in this city. Before I left my old city, I was able to get dates from tinder almost every week. Now I can barely get any matches. So I really can't be relying on tinder here, I have to go out and meet people.
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