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Bender's Journal: Part 2
#11
Dates

I met up with a girl from Ok cupid on Saturday night. We got a drink at a bar near where I'm staying. Everything went pretty smoothly - she was actually nicer than I was expecting. In her messages she sounded a bit cold. But turned out to be very nice.


The bar we went to was a perfect spot for a date. Enough people there to create some atmosphere but not overly busy and noisy. And they had these cosy lounges, which we sat on next to each other. 

One thing I do well on dates is make the girl feel very comfortable. This girl looked like she was very comfortable the whole date. But what I don't do so well is creating a more sexual frame. I feel like if someone were watching my dates, it would look like just two friends catching up for a drink, rather than a guy and girl on a date.

Got a text from her when she got home saying that she had a fun time, so that's good.

Sunday night I was meeting up with a girl from Tinder who was going to come to my apartment and cook with me. She works at a shopping center near my apartment so we planned to meet there after she finished work.

Met her, said hello, gave her a hug and then all of a sudden she wanted to go and look around the shopping center.  I thought that's okay, expecting that she'd only want to go to maybe one or two shops.

She starts darting between all these clothing shops. I could barely even talk to her, she was so preoccupied with her clothing shopping.

Yes, I understand girls like to shop for clothes....but on a first date...really?

Anyway, I finally said I was hungry and wanted to get food, hoping that would get her out of the shops. After that she calmed down more. We went to a restaurant instead of going to my apartment to cook.

I was a little annoyed about the shopping experience so I didn't say very much while we ate. When we finished eating I was ready to go back to my apartment and I thought that would probably be on my own.

She suggested going somewhere else to get a drink but I said I was feeling tired and wanted to go back to my apartment. She basically suggested herself that she come back with me. Even though I wasn't super into this girl, I thought I may as well go with it for the experience.

Went back to my apartment....and she stayed the night. She was definitely a little weird but she improved as the night went on.

The really strange thing was the next day she texted me asking if I wanted to hang out again that night and saying she liked me. I'm not sure why, I hardly spoke to her after the first 2 hours and I was probably a little rude at times.

Last night was my last night away for this trip. I had several girls who I was talking to online and tried to organise a date but unfortunately couldn't get anything planned. If I'd had longer there, I probably would've been able to meet up with at least a couple of these girls. Maybe next time I'm over there.

Even though I didn't manage to set up a date for my last night away, like I was hoping to...I was in a great mood for the night. I went out in the evening to have a look around by myself and felt really happy all night. 

Earlier in the day, I'd been feeling quite down and depressed. Funny, how your mood can shift so dramatically in a short space of time for no apparent reason. I could've easily got all upset that I was going to be lonely on my last night away.

It's nice to have company with you but this shows, it's possible for me to be just as happy (if not happier) by myself.

This trip has given me more faith in online dating. Since my breakup, I've used Tinder a little bit but haven't put much time into it. 

This was the first time I've really put more effort into it. So I feel more confident that with a little more effort, I can get some more dates set up back at home.

One girl from Tinder in my home city who I was talking to over a month ago, messaged me out of the blue while I was away. It turned out she was in Melbourne too and she was leaving on the same day as me.

Her flight home was only an hour or so before mine. Pretty funny coincidence. 

I thought I might have seen her at the airport but I must have been a bit late. But I said we should go out when we're both back home and she said that sounds good. She's probably the best looking girl I've been talking to online so hopefully that goes ahead!
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#12
Bender in my experience women like men that will shop with them..sort of double as a best mate when there friends aren't available...l've been a clothes carrier for my Mrs for 20+ years sure you can get used to it if she's a future prospect ...go for it mate Wink
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#13
(11-27-2018, 10:12 PM)Joturbo Wrote: Bender in my experience women like men that will shop with them..sort of double as a best mate when there friends aren't available...l've been a clothes carrier for my Mrs for 20+ years sure you can get used to it if she's a future prospect ...go for it mate Wink

Yes, haha there does seem to be some truth to that! Perhaps that's what she liked me...because I actually hung around for a solid 30 minutes or more of shopping with her lol.
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#14
(11-28-2018, 09:20 PM)bender22 Wrote:
(11-27-2018, 10:12 PM)Joturbo Wrote: Bender in my experience women like men that will shop with them..sort of double as a best mate when there friends aren't available...l've been a clothes carrier for my Mrs for 20+ years sure you can get used to it if she's a future prospect ...go for it mate Wink

Yes, haha there does seem to be some truth to that! Perhaps that's what she liked me...because I actually hung around for a solid 30 minutes or more of shopping with her lol.
Joturbo brother wrote:

Half an hour Bender Club. Two hours minimum for me and a good five at Christmas ,but I'd do get coffee and cake and a sausage roll if her mate comes tooToungue
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#15
Self Development

Any type of adversity, whether it be a break up, health issue, loss of job...can be a good thing if you use it as an opportunity to make positive changes in your life. When things are going well it's easy to get too comfortable and not develop yourself. 

Adversity can break you down but it can also give you the kick in the butt you need.

My recent breakup has certainly kicked me into action for many reasons. It's given me a burning desire to be the best I can be. 

Some of the changes I've made in the last few months...

-Working on my communication skills. Verbal communication has always held me back in my professional and personal life. I recently started an online vocal training course. I'm practicing vocal exercises regularly. I've been doing daily exercises to help me think on my feet more. This is all making a difference already.

-Improving my fashion. It's not that I've ever dressed awfully, but I've never really cared enough about fashion to put much effort into learning what looks good and suits me. The past few weeks I've spent a lot of time digging through men's fashion videos on Youtube. 

I now realise how ignorant I've been about basic fashion concepts. I don't know why it's taken me so long to pay attention to this. The way you dress can dramatically shift the way people perceive you and also the way you feel about yourself. Last weekend I went out to buy new clothes and wore some of them out last night. I felt great in these clothes and felt like I was getting more looks from girls.

-Doing something about my hair. I've always had very fine hair that's been difficult to style. I've always got the same plain haircut. And since I was in high school my hair has been slowly thinning out. (I do still have quite a lot of hair but you can see it's thinning out) 

But I've never done much about any of those things. I sort of resigned myself to the fact that I have bad hair that's falling out. I did use some men's hair loss products for a while but then for whatever reason I stopped using them a few years ago.

I'm now doing what I can to slow down/reverse the hair loss. I realise that I'll never have a thick, luscious head of hair but if I can at least stop any further hair loss I'll be happy. I'm back on the hair loss products I used before and I'm doing some other things that are supposed to help. 

I've been researching how to take better care of your hair. And I researched barbers/hair stylists in my city and found one that has excellent reviews who I've booked in for an appointment with next week. Excited to see what they can do with my hair.

-Eating well. This is something I've been pretty good with since I left high school. But I've probably been paying even more attention to my diet recently - focusing on good, clean foods.

Friday Night


Met up with a group of four other guys. Side note - I had a lot more fun being with a larger group than just going out with one other guy. I should try to do this more often.

One of the other guys was pointing out girls for me to go and talk to. Even though it made me feel a little uncomfortable, I needed it. And most of the girls he pointed out, I did approach. 

My goal for the night, was to just start conversations with girls. Because this is something I've struggled with since I've started going out again. 

I can't think of many nights where I've got such consistently good reactions from girls I've approached.

The first girl I talked to was when I was sitting down and she was standing nearby so I tapped her on the shoulder and she turned around. She responded really well, I could see she was definitely interested in me. She was even initiating physical contact herself, touching my arm, shoulder...just a few minutes into the conversation. 

She said she was going to get a drink but would see me again soon (invitation to approach her later). My friends and I left that bar soon after so I didn't get another chance to talk to her.

Next was two girls sitting out the front of a bar. They were a bit older than me. Both responded pretty well to my approach. Talked to them for a while then returned to my friends. One of them I spoke to again later in the night.

The other guy pointed out two girls who had just walked into the bar we were at. I was hesitant to approach at first but he kept pushing me so I just did it. Both of these girls were very attractive and I was expecting a colder reaction. To my surprise, they both responded extremely well again. One of the other guys came past and said something to me while I was talking to them which completely threw me off and it fizzled out from there.

Had a few more similar interactions during the night. When I was walking back to my car at the end of the night, I saw a group of four girls walking towards me. I looked at them and smiled. One of the two at the back of the group waved at me. Of course I had to talk to her. 

Good response straight away. They were from the Netherlands and travelling over here. They asked me what bars I'd recommend so I suggested one and said I'd walk them there. I talked to the whole group but the one who originally waved at me seemed the most interested. Got to the bar but I didn't want to go in so I let the rest of the group go inside then stopped the girl I was connecting best with and exchanged numbers with her.
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#16
Saturday

I'll keep this to some brief dot points because there's not a lot to talk about.
  • Approached a couple of girls during the night
  • Was really only one that I properly committed to - two girls standing near me. One of them appeared to be interested in me, the other one not so much. The one who was more interested in me was out for her birthday - I could've used that as an opportunity to get a birthday drink with her or something
  • Spent too much time standing around not doing anything - the place I went to was packed so it's not like there weren't opportunities 
  • Having a good wingman on Friday night made a huge difference. If I'm going to try going bother going out to bars and nightclubs to meet girls, I need a good wingman
Enjoying the moment vs pursuing long term goals

Something I've been pondering on a lot recently is how do you strike a between finding joy in the present moment and pursuing long term goals. How do you enjoy the present if you're always chasing something in the future?


If you want a better future, it generally requires that you do things that will make you uncomfortable, maybe even unhappy in the short term. 

How much time should you spend doing those uncomfortable things to give yourself a better future versus time spent doing things that will make you happy in the short term?

I enjoy sitting at home by myself watching funny YouTube videos but if I spent all of my time doing that, I would probably live a fairly unfulfilling life. But if I spent no time doing things like that, I might not be very happy in the short term. So where's the balance?

I think the majority of unhappiness results from a disconnect between where you are and where you want to be. If you're constantly pursuing something in the future, that disconnect will always exist, won't it? 

If you are able to practice finding pleasure in the present moment and get to a place where you're complete satisfied with your current situation, I would think you would be fairly happy. But if you're completely satisfied, where does the drive to pursue long term goals come from? And without pursuing longer term goals, would it be possible to maintain that happiness?

Gary Vaynerchuk talks about enjoying the process more than reaching the finish line. That seems like a good middle ground. You're moving towards something, which hopefully gives you that long term fulfillment but you're not relying on the attainment of that goal to bring you happiness. 

But that would require a major shift in mindset from most people. I think most people have been conditioned to believe that they need X to be happy and therefore they don't take pleasure in the process they just want the reward at the end.

I'm rambling here...but I wanted to get these thoughts out in writing. If you're reading this and what I'm saying makes any sense and you would like to chime in with your own thoughts, please do so.

I just bought The Happiness Hypothesis audiobook, so maybe that will provide some answers to these questions.
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#17
You've got guts, I'll give you that. A lot of this seems to be about becoming successful at the er, 'casual' interactions. In a PUA sort of way. Do you ever think of finding someone to settle down with?
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#18
(12-10-2018, 12:54 PM)ardour Wrote: You've got guts, I'll give you that. A lot of this seems to be about becoming successful at the er, 'casual' interactions. In a PUA sort of way. Do you ever think of finding someone to settle down with?

The ultimate goal is and really always has been to find someone to settle down with. But I'm not in a rush to find that someone.

I think unless you're fortunate enough to be naturally good with women, then it's a skill that's need to be practiced. That's how I think of this anyway. Practice to get better and I'm increasing my opportunities to meet someone I'd like to settle down with.
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#19
Dates

Friday night I had a date with a girl from okcupid. She'd been messaging me quite a lot in the days leading up to the date. I'm not sure if this is a good thing or not. It shows that they're probably interested but I also find it a little strange when someone wants to message back and forth a lot before meeting up.

The date went fine but it seemed like we were very different people. The entire date was mostly small talk...what do you do for fun...do you have siblings...what work do you do, etc... I should try to insert more interesting, fun questions into future dates, especially with girls I like more.

About an hour into the date she said her head was hurting because she'd had to fast earlier in the day and would have to go home. Not sure if her head was actually hurting. She may have just realised the date wasn't going anywhere hahah.

When we left the bar we were in and went out to the carpark, she almost ran to her car before I even got a chance to give her a hug. Lol.

Last night I had another date from okcupid. This one went better. She messaged me the day before asking if I was a good person. Strange question I thought. I said 'yeah I think so but you can judge for yourself tomorrow night.'


She was from another country and English was her second language. So there were a few times where she had trouble understanding me.

I felt very comfortable with her and she seemed to feel very comfortable as well. I tried to have a bit more fun with this one that Friday's date.

She told me that other guys she had met from okcupid had talked to her for about two months before they met up. Two months?! I told her that was really long. We'd been talking to each other for less than a week haha.

When I got home, I texted her asking if she thought I was a good person now that she'd met me. She said I was. So that's good! I got the impression she'd like to meet again in future.

Saturday night

I was invited to an end of year party with some people from my work. The good thing about being single again is it forces you to talk to more people at these kind of events. I remember going to a few events like this when I was with my girlfriend and spent most of the night just talking to her rather than mingling with other people. 

After the party, I drove into the city and met up with the other guys. I talked to a few girls who the other guys had approached and approached one girl myself. Bit of a wasted night really. Need to do better next weekend.
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#20
What happened to the weird girl(your words) who liked shopping...she sounded interesting why no follow up mate. Sad
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