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Bender's Journal: Part 2
You are such an inspiration Bender. Reading your journal has motivated me to conquer my own fears and insecurities. I've started smiling at men who make eye contact with me now whereas in the past I would've just looked away thinking 'No way is he looking at me'. 

Thank you Smile
(12-30-2018, 10:16 AM)BeyondShy Wrote:
(12-24-2018, 05:57 PM)bender22 Wrote: ....and BeyondShy. Also please feel free to add any of your own input or thoughts in here as I keep adding to this journal. Always nice to hear other people's feedback and ideas Smile

The only input I have is that I wish I could be you for one day. I am very happy for what you have accomplished. The only feedback I have for you is to keep on doing what you are doing. Enjoy yourself.

Thanks Beyondshy! 
(12-30-2018, 11:19 AM)Amelia Wrote: You are such an inspiration Bender. Reading your journal has motivated me to conquer my own fears and insecurities. I've started smiling at men who make eye contact with me now whereas in the past I would've just looked away thinking 'No way is he looking at me'. 

Thank you Smile

That honestly made me really happy to read that Amelia. Well done on that! It's great to know that this journal can motivate others to make positive changes too.

And for anyone just wanting to start out building their confidence, become more social or attract more girls or guys into your life, I'd suggest starting with small steps like that.

Make eye contact with strangers and try to hold it a little longer than normal
Make eye contact with strangers and smile
Ask strangers for the time or directions
Make conversation with workers in clothing shops, coffee shops, restaurants...
Just say hello to people

Anything that makes you a little uncomfortable. I remember walking around the mall just asking people for the time when I first started and even that I found difficult but you gradually become more comfortable.

Making eye contact with someone and smiling at them is a great one. I've said it before that making eye contact with a cute girl, smiling at her and getting a smile back makes me super happy.

I did my first day time approach for a long time last week. I was sitting down and saw a girl sit down nearby. For at least five minutes I sat there hesitating about whether to go talk to her or not. 

Finally I decided I had to do it. I spoke to her for about five minutes. She seemed nice but had a boyfriend. Regardless of the outcome, I was happy with myself just for talking to her.

Saturday night I went out with one of the other guys and we talked to several girls. But it was very quiet around, probably being so close to new years eve.

There was one girl I was talking to and getting along with pretty well. But I wasn't really physically attracted to her. It occurred to me later on that she could've been a good friend to have though. As I said in my last post, I would like more female friends in my life. 

In future when I find girls like this who I get along well with but am not physically attracted to, I should at least add them on Instagram and find out if they're interested in salsa dancing, tennis, gigs, hiking...

Last night, I had a second date with a girl from okcupid. Had a pretty good evening with her. Just tried to focus on enjoying myself and enjoying her company, rather than proactively trying to build attraction. 

Excited for new years eve tonight. Keen to talk to lots of people, focus on having fun and probably have a few drinks! Hopefully I'll be able to report back here with some cool stories tomorrow.

Happy new year everyone Smile

I ended up spending most of the night at one of the clubs I used to go to every weekend. When we first arrived it was very quiet. We got a few drinks and spoke to one group of girls then tried another club.

That was also very quiet. We talked to a guy working there who was cool and said he'd introduce us to some girls he knew. We sat and chat to these two girls for a while who both had a lot of tattoos - not really my type.

We headed back to the first club, which was a lot busier now. Until midnight, I didn't really approach many girls myself, maybe two.

After midnight I started approaching more girls, opening with 'Happy New Year!' And giving them a hug. Worked pretty well. 

By this point, I'd already had several tequila shots. I have to say the alcohol did help to reduce the 'approach anxiety.' Usually when I go out, I don't drink at all or if I do, one or two drinks at the most.

It was definitely the most girls I had approached by myself in one night since getting back into this.

Highlights included...

-Waiting at the bar to get a drink, there was a girl standing next to me so I started talking to her with my Happy New Year and hug. Opened really well, probably my best one of the night. Talked to her for a while but then lost her after she got her drink. Disappointing that I let that one go. 

-After the girl above left, another one came in and took her place. I repeated the process. Opened up really well again. She was pretty cute, so was the girl above. My best interactions often seem to be when I'm really attracted to a girl - I'm able to unlock more of my personality. After talking to her for a few minutes, my friend got served at the bar so I had to join him for tequila shots. Should have tried to get her number first.

-I was talking to this guy outside in the beer garden for a while. I turned around and saw a girl by herself next to me so I started talking to her. I had fun with this one and made it fairly playful. She was a bit older than me and I wasn't super attracted to her so I let it go.

-I was standing by myself inside and saw a girl a bit further down give me eye contact. I was about to go over and talk to her but then another girl came over and stood right next to me so I thought I may as well talk to her. She was pretty weird - looked like she was high. Not really my type but I thought I'd just hang in there for a while and try to have fun with it. I did manage to get her to open up a little but it obviously wasn't going anywhere so I ejected. Wish I'd approached the first girl.

-Near the end of the night, I started talking to a girl. Not sure how it opened - bit of a blur. She said I should high five her friend, who was nearby. So I went over to the friend and told her I had to high five her. My friend came in as well and talked to the other girl. Pretty fun interaction that lead to nothing again. 

So the night was good in the sense that I did have a lot of fun and approached a lot of girls by myself. I really did have a lot of fun during the night.

But it was disappointing that I met several girls who responded really well to my approach and appeared to be attracted but I didn't really make anything happen from there. Need to remember ABC - Always Be Closing!

Felt a little sad on the bus ride home, knowing that the last few new years eves I'd gone home on that bus with my girlfriend and this time I was going home alone 😞 At least I had fun and hugged a bunch of cute girls.
I'd made plans with a couple of girls from Tinder and had to cancel/postpone because I've got a cold. Which sucks. Missed out on going out this weekend which also sucks.

Hopefully will be able to reschedule these dates for the coming we and a couple of others as well. My goal for these next few dates will be to lead the conversation towards more edgy and sexual topics rather than the same old boring small talk.

Asking her questions like...

What's the craziest thing you did last year?

Have you ever used drugs?

When was the last time you had a boyfriend?

When was the last time you kissed a guy?

Have you ever had another girl hit on you?

Have you had a one night stand?

What type of guy do you like?

Then playfully teasing her, tease her about her responses to those questions. Maybe telling stories about more edgy topics.

The goal is to establish a more sexual vibe where she is comfortable talking about sex. Not just a conversation between two friends.

Should be fun.

Actually, I'm going to take this a step further and try to make my conversations in day to day life a little more playful and edgy. Often I do get caught into the small talk trap and probably miss out on building stronger connections with people because of it.

Obviously I won't be asking people at work if they have ever had a one night stand lol. But asking questions like 'did you get drunk on new years eve?' Making edgy jokes (need to be careful with this as there are plenty of overly sensitive people around haha)


In line with my goal of writing more in 2019, I'm planning on starting my own blog to write out my thoughts. 

I think writing out your thoughts and journaling your experiences is a massive 'hack' It's like a type of therapy. It makes you questions your beliefs. It makes you think about the direction you're taking in life. It prompts you to ask questions that lead to important answers.

It's also a skill - which like any other skill, will improve with practice. So I see a lot of benefit in developing this skill.

I thought about just writing everything in here but I don't want it to become watered down. This thread will continue to be the place where I journal about developing my social skills and dating life.

The blog will be a place where I can dump my thoughts on a broader range of topics. I'll write about my thoughts on things that interest me like self development, business, travel, history, health and fitness...

I'll include a link on here when I get this blog set up. If anyone has an idea for a name for this blog, please let me know.


There's a couple of things I'd like to add to my previous post of things I want to do in 2019.

Develop better persuasion skills

I think persuasion is probably one of the most important skills you can develop in your life. If you're not able to persuade people, you'll never be able to get what you really want and will probably be seen as a pushover.

Not persuasion in a manipulative sense. That's not cool. But persuasion that is mutually beneficial.

If you have good intentions or something good to offer, then I think you're hurting people by not being persuasive. Because if you can't persuade them then someone else with not so good intentions will persuade them instead.

I've been studying persuasion a little recently and found very little good material on the topic of persuasion. Especially vocal persuasion, persuasive writing is probably covered better. 

I think the best way to learn about persuasion and develop these skills myself is by watching people who are persuasive and analyzing what actually makes them persuasive. 

Be grateful for what I have

It's extremely easy to get caught in the trap of dwelling on all the things that could be better in your life. And all the things you don't have.

A little bit of that dwelling probably isn't a bad thing if it motivates you to improve your situation. But I think it's far more healthy to think about what are the good things in your life. I don't want to be the person who only realizes what good things I had in my life when they're gone.
Had a pretty awesome date during the week. Following my advice of making the conversation more edgy definitely helped a lot.

We went to a bar near the beach. Conversation started out pretty normal, just talking about our travels and stuff.

Once we were both more comfortable with each other, I started to ask her about her experience with Tinder and weird stuff on online dating. We talked a bit about past relationships and stuff.

Told her a funny story about an older guy being interested in me.

So nothing super crazy but more edgy than plain small talk.

I was also really focusing on strong, deep eye contact which made a big difference too. Way more romantic/sexual vibes that other dates recently.

And I was clicking with her a lot better than other girls I've been on dates with recently. We seemed to be on the same wave length.

Dates like this bring out the best of my personality. It's cool when you're just having a really good time connecting someone and you're impressing yourself with some of the witty/funny things you're coming up with.

Went for a walk along the beach after the bar, which helped to solidify the connection. I taught her how to do a salsa dance basic step - good way to start some physical contact.

Only part of the date where I messed up was right at the end where I went kinda awkward. The socially awkward bender came back for a minute haha.

But I don't think it mattered too much. She said she had a good time and would like to see me again.

Definitely my best date since being single again.

Went out last night with one of the other guys. Not a very interesting night, talked to a few girls with him.

He approached two girls at a bar and I joined him. One of the girls I found extremely attractive, definitely my type looks wise. Which I don't find very often when I go out.

Tried talking to her but just couldn't get into the zone. I just can't seem to do my best work when I'm going in tandem with other guys.

Should be going out again tonight. Goals are...

Approach girls on my own.

Just have fun with approaches early on, don't worry too much about results

Introduce more edgy topics into conversations

Try to have short interactions later on and get a number or instagram to follow up with later

Went out by myself at first because my wingman wasn't coming out until later. 

I made a rule that I couldn't go to the toilet or get a drink until I talked to someone. Quickly talked to a couple of girls on a hens night and then very quickly talked to two other girls before going to the bathroom.

So I started the night pretty well by taking action early on. 

Then I saw some other guys I know who go out regularly. I ended up sticking with them for around an hour which killed all the momentum from those first two quick approaches.

After that I just couldn't get myself to go and talk to girls. It's not like I didn't have opportunities. There were plenty of girls around. One cute girl even came over and started dancing with me and I didn't do anything about it.

A bit later I bumped into another guy I know and hung around him for a long time instead of talking to any girls.

Approach anxiety is real.

I'm usually better when I approach girls by myself instead of with other guys but I just can't get myself to do it enough. So what are the possible solutions?

-Use is easier to go up and approach girls after a few drinks but it comes at a cost. I take my health pretty seriously and don't want to sacrifice my well-being just to get more approaches in. Alcohol gets expensive too.

-Countdown thing I tried doing a few times in the past which sort of worked was setting a countdown timer and telling myself I had to do an approach before it got to zero.

-Get a wing man to point out girls to approach... there's one guy who is really good at this but he hasn't been going out recently. Could ask my usual wingman to do this.

-Make a bet... give one of the other guys $20 and tell them to only give it back to me if I do X approaches during the night. I remember doing this once before and having a really good night. But I feel a bit weird asking people to do this for me.

-Forget about going out and just use online dating... haha I think this is the solution for a lot of guys these days. But meeting girls in person is probably more fun (when you're actually talking to them) and is a skill I want to develop.

-Keep reminding myself of the potential rewards... I never would have met my ex if I hadn't approached her. Every time you approach, there's a chance that it could lead to something amazing. Even if it doesn't, you can probably learn something from it at least.


Met up with another girl from online dating. I was a little on the fence about this one before, didn't really know what to expect from her.

She was running pretty late which was a little annoying. Fortunately I didn't let that bother me too much. Maybe that has something to do with the meditation I've been doing recently.

She looked better than she did in her photos so that was good.

We got a drink and sat outside. Started off pretty standard, interview style questions. She was a bit quiet and shy at first.

After we'd got past the basic interview questions I started to direct the conversation to more edgy topics. I asked her about what she drinks, what her experience with online dating had been, weird first dates, creepy guys on Tinder, pickup lines.

That got her opening up a lot more and made things much more interesting. After our drinks we went for a walk down by the beach. Kept switching between normal conversation and more edgy stuff to make sure things didn't get too platonic but not too creepy either.

As the date went on, my confidence kept growing. Didn't feel the same connection as my date earlier in the week and she probably wasn't so much my type but everything was still moving in the right direction. And we were getting along pretty well.

The date did drag on a bit longer than I'd normally like for a first date. Need to make sure I'm either moving things forward or just end the date instead of sitting for ages and just talking. Just remember to say 'hey let's go for a walk' or 'hey lets go look at another bar' or 'show me your car, I'll come with you.' Sitting in the same spot for a long time is boring. Moving around is good.

In the end, I did walk with her back to her car and asked if she could drive me back to my car. We were talking just outside her car and I kissed her.

She drove me back to my car and when we got there, we made out in the car before I got out. Confidence was pretty high at this point.

Got back home and she texted me 'totally wanted to make out in the back seat.' Lol.

Lesson - she liked me and I could've pushed for more than I did. 

I think dates are my biggest strength when it comes to the dating game. More so than texting, cold approaching, tinder... And it could potentially be a very big strength if I can just fine tune a few things, which I'm already starting to do.


I set up my blog so I can start writing more. It's called An Introvert's Corner. Feel free to take a look -

I'm just using it to get my thoughts out in writing and improve my writing skills, not to make money from it. I wrote a post about what I'm doing to improve my voice/speaking. 

Also trying to find some well written blogs for inspiration. If anyone knows of any good ones, let me know 🙂 

I'm going away for a week, leaving in a few days. So I'll make sure to hit Tinder pretty hard while I'm away there 😉 . Also need to get some better photos for my online dating profiles while I'm there. AND.. try to talk to people during the day. Even something simple like 'hey are you from here....I'm not....what coffee shops or bars do you recommend?'

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