Why I Stay

I know it's hard for anyone who hasn't suffered emotional abuse to understand why I would even consider staying in an abuse relationship. I just want to clear that up a bit because it's very complicated. I fell in love with a good man, a man who showed me love, care and a promise for the future. The first 8 months were all that I'd wished for until he unmasked himself and by then, I was already very attached (emotionally, physically and financially).

This is the first time I have ever talked about this in over 5 years. I think it's because shame, fear, guilt and the embarrassment of letting myself be tortured by him, stopped me from wanting anyone to know. Mainly because I went through such an abusive childhood. I want to smack myself upside the head for letting it happen again.

Abuse basically teaches a person to shut up and put up. We're taught that everything we think, do or say is wrong. We are never validated for our feelings, they are turned around on us, our words are twisted, so that any feeling we have that may impact the abuser, suddenly has been deflected by them and all the blame is on us. It's kind of paralyzing because when he does this to me, I'm left with this sickening feeling and so much anxiety, feelings of being betrayed by him...and I secretly wonder if he's right when he says I'm insane, pathetic, stupid, "overly sensitive" or just plain wrong. I wonder if I really did say x, y or z...or maybe he's right and I never did. 

It leaves me having to process these feelings on my own; plus the added hurt that he just piled on by abuse and invalidation. So not only have I not been heard or validated, he's added shame, fear and anger to those feelings...and it's overwhelming - I think it would be to most people who have a heart. At that point, all I want is harmony and to feel loved again. The problem has not been addressed or solved, and I know it will come up again. My choices are to just tolerate or stand up for myself again...only to be shot down again.

All of this breeds that feeling that if I don't do and feel and think exactly what he wants...then I will be discarded. He knows that one of the issues I've had growing up was abandonment and he really plays on that. It creates fear in me and I'm almost suspended and frozen and can't make any logical decision. And when I finally get to the point where I am SO CLOSE to making a logical decision, he becomes Mr. Nice Guy again and I suddenly feel the care and love that I've been wanting so much...it's almost like an addiction in a way isn't it?

He almost places the full responsibility on me for his feelings...so I'm constantly spinning in circles, walking on egg shells, preparing my words, tone and face before I approach him. I'm always on alert, never really relaxed. I'm always wondering if I'll get the nice man I fell in love with, or the impatient angry abuser. It really is overwhelming. I'll be the first to admit, I'm fragile and sensitive, so his angry onslaughts really have a impact and I feel fear.

This pattern creates SO MUCH anxiety in me that I'm willing to just give in to stop feeling it. He seems to know that this works. He creates an atmosphere of hostility and silence for days (sometimes it was weeks)...and I reach my breaking point and grovel to him, just to make myself feel better. I feel sick about this.

I feel as though he seduced me with promises of a happy, healthy and loving relationship, of having a "soul mate" that I can grow old with. And no, he didn't put a gun to my head to fall in love with him, but he didn't have to. I chose to stay because of my hope and the promises he made. I know how foolish that sounds.

I think the result has been that I will do anything to avoid feeling these devastating feelings because I need to both protect my heart and to feel peace in my home. It makes me feel very isolated and despite great advice, I feel I don't have it in me to do a thing about it.

Miriam1966 said:

I fell in love with a good man

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Did you or did he fool you until you were "his"?  It's rare for a person to change that much in a short period of time.  Chances are high that he was always like that, he just had to hook you before he showed you his true self.  There were likely subtle signs that you didn't see or you could even be twisting it (probably not consciously), so you aren't "that girl" who fell in love with an *******.

TheRealCallie said:

Miriam1966 said:

I fell in love with a good man

Click to expand...

Did you or did he fool you until you were "his"?  It's rare for a person to change that much in a short period of time.  Chances are high that he was always like that, he just had to hook you before he showed you his true self.  There were likely subtle signs that you didn't see or you could even be twisting it (probably not consciously), so you aren't "that girl" who fell in love with an *******.

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I'm quite sure he was like that the whole time and just put on a good act until he hooked me. In hindsight, there were no subtle signs, except maybe that it seemed too good to be true.

Hi Miriam,  I am so sorry for what you are going through.  As you well know, this is not healthy. Not knowing who someone is going to be the next day is unnerving, frightening and far from loving.  A loving partner is consistent and supportive even if you disagree about issues.  You might want to consider working with a therapist and unravel the feelings you have about staying and about leaving. Try to take this apart with a professional so you can understand what got you here and that you assess what needs to be done to assure your well-being.  There are people who know how to "hook" other people; many of us are susceptible to abusive people because we trust too easily, don't want to see the signs, are desperate to be loved, or too consumed with the situation to see what is REALLY happening.  You are not alone.  It is not unusual for us to hope that it will get better or to tell ourselves that the bad behavior will go away or even blame ourselves for what is happening.  But none of this is reality.  Do not beat yourself up.  While the past is done and you can't fix it, you can change the course of your future days.  Please talk to a professional person.  Reach out to trusted family and friends to love and support you.  There are a lot of support groups out there for women who are dealing with emotional abuse.  You can call your doctor as well for resources.  If you belong to a church, talk to your pastor.  See that you are important and that you deserve to be at peace and calm and not living on the edge all the time.  Stay strong and get the help you deserve.  I wish you well.