Still Grieving

Hello there, it has been three months since I lost the love of my life.   In the first month and a half I was in a state of shock, I was home alone all day every day and this was very unhelpful because I had no one to talk to about my loved one and nothing to help me come out of the state of shock and start thinking clearly again.  In hindsight, that is the time I should have gone to therapy.  If only someone had helped me process my hurt feelings back then, I might have done the right thing when my second chance came.  When we ran into each other on the sidewalk after 1.5 months of not speaking to each other, she was happy to see me and willing to listen to what I had to say.  I was happy to see her too; I wanted to say I love you and give her a hug, but I couldn't move.  She asked "How are you?" and I answered that I was sad, which was true.  She walked away, saying that she didn't want to worsen my anxiety.  I wanted to run after her, begging her to spend at least 5 minutes talking to me, even that small amount of time would make me feel so much better.  But I was still paralyzed, all I could do was watch her walk away.  She looked over her shoulder at me. 

I saw her two more times after that; the first time I was hugging someone else (typical me - trying to support other people instead of supporting myself) and she walked by, and the second time I waited for her to walk down that sidewalk, and when she did, I asked her to go with me to the library, at first she agreed but then she said she didn't have time, maybe we could go another day.  Her face when she said that showed that she didn't want to see me again; this time she walked away without looking back; again, I could have chased her down the road and maybe I would have convinced her to give me a second chance. 

Since then I have gone to therapy and now I am able to think clearly about the whole situation and fully understand my mistakes.  I feel a little better, but that doesn't mean my life is better.  I can't communicate with the person I love the most, how am I supposed to feel good about that?  I tried spending time with other people, but recently I stopped.  What is the point of hanging out with these people? They are all so boring and predictable compared to the one I love. Whenever I try to think about the future, I think about my future with her, which doesn't exist.

This morning I was ready to text her saying I love you and please give me another chance.  But when I pick up my phone to do that, I see her last text to me which is her breakup message.  It is so politely worded and yet so devastating; I love her sentence structures.  I can't bring myself to type underneath those words.

I accept the above story as a perfect tragic story.  I don't accept it as my life story.  Is this what life is supposed to be about - just "coping" with constant flashbacks to various moments with her, crying every single day, and lying on my bed paralyzed by both the fear of seeing her again and being rejected again and also the fear of never seeing her again?  I don't think so.

NOTE: Please don't reply to this by saying "you should get over her" and "time will heal you".  I have heard those already and they aren't helping me.  They just make me angry.

It sucks, believe me I know. There’s really no better way to put it. To have something there that was so important to you to just be over, it’s horrible. But just remember, even though it feels that life is falling apart right now, life continues. Don’t be sad for what you’ve lost, feel sad for what she is going to be missing out on. Smile at the good memories you shared, don’t mourn for them. The past is in the past. My people say a lost love is much like a forest fire. You feel as though all is lost and nothing will ever grow back, but when you look closely you can see green slowly beginning to rise and flourish afterwards.

I know how you're feeling Guzheng. My girlfriend and I broke up less than two months ago.

And it sucks, it really does.

This probably doesn't help you much but I'm envious of you in some ways because you at least got a politely worded message from her and it sounds like she was polite when you saw her.

In the past 6 weeks the only communication I've had with my ex, was a nasty message from her letting me know that she'd gone into a joint back account we once had together and withdrawn $90 of my money because she thought she'd overpaid me on something earlier. ..

If you ever want to chat, let me know. Helps to talk to people in a similar situation who can relate to what you're going through.

I get it man. I know how hard it is to lose ‘the one’. I lost mine at 32. No closure. I nearly killed myself several times, not on purpose, but out of sheer recklessness when this happened to me. I’ll always carry that scar on my heart.

I know you feel ‘permanently stuck’ right now but you’re not. One day, when you’ve healed somewhat, you’ll be a wiser, kinder, more understanding, loving and compassionate person for having gone through this.

One day at a time.