Beware of "kitchen sink arguments"

Three months have gone by and it might be too late to apologize now.  Regardless, I wrote down on a piece of paper the explanations for the mean things I said to my girlfriend on the last day we were together.  I was still dazed and dehydrated from taking a long walk in the summer heat a few days before; I should have told her "I can't hang out with you today, I have to stay home and rest"; if only I had been proactive like that, I never would have said the stupid things I said that day and this breakup never would have happened.

Basically, I said some things jokingly that she did not take as a joke.  I assumed she knew that I would never say those things for real, because I am not a mean person, so I didn't apologize even when she said that I really hurt her feelings.  I have spent many, many hours asking myself what kind of idiot does not apologize immediately for hurting their loved one's feelings.  The only explanation I can think of is that I was very dehydrated at the time.

Instead of explaining how I would never, ever say those things and mean them, and I would never hurt her feelings intentionally, I brought up the things she did to make me feel uncomfortable, and I even exaggerated how bad I felt.  By doing this, I created a "kitchen sink argument", which I researched later - it means that two people respond to each other's complaints with more complaints about other things instead of addressing the issues presented.  Looking back at that text conversation, I cannot believe I communicated so ineffectively.  I think I imitated my parents in this case because they always have kitchen sink arguments which start with the most mundane non-issues and somehow they escalate it to "I wish I never met you", "I hate you", "you're mean and bad" etc.   There are always signs that they want to stop fighting, but one of them brings up one more complaint to carry the kitchen sink argument forward.  I see that I did the same thing in my text conversation - I addressed one of my girlfriend's concerns, and she replied saying how much better she felt, and then I immediately criticized her about something else.

I'm very ashamed that I had a nonsensical kitchen sink argument just like my parents do, not to mention the fact that it cost me the most important relationship I have ever had.  Because my parents always argue like this and later they say they still love each other and they don't divorce each other despite saying that they will or that they should, I thought my kitchen sink argument with my girlfriend was no big deal.  Three days passed between that argument and her breakup message to me, and in that time I wondered why she wasn't talking to me.  It didn't occur to me to apologize, and if I had apologized, I might be spending time with her right now instead of writing rants on a forum.

Readers, don't be stupid like me.  Stay hydrated in the summertime so that you can think clearly and avoid saying things you'll regret later.  If you are dehydrated or not thinking clearly for some other reason, stay away from the people you love!  Talk to them when you feel better.  And finally, don't have kitchen sink arguments.  This is how you can avoid them: make sure you address all of the other person's complaints before you bring up your own complaints.  This way, the other person feels respected and is ready to address your complaints.  Instead of a stupid argument, you can have a productive conversation where everyone's issues are addressed if not resolved.

Can you call her and talk to her, and tell her all the stuff you just told us? It seems to me that its worth a shot to contact her to talk rather than just letting it go....

Not based on his other thread in this forum!

OP - There's no need to kick yourself. No one has a perfect relationship, and is prone to 'put ones foot in ones mouth' from time to time, dehydrated or not!

If I where her I would really appreciate to hear what you just said. Be the one that reaches out, even tho it may not get her back. It sure will give you a lot of creds in here eyes. You would in mine.

I disagree. There comes a point where one just makes an ass of oneself and draws out the healing process unnecessarily to keep reaching out after someone has left us. He needs to move on from her, the sooner the better.

In other situations though, I would entirely agree with you.

If any woman think that’s what it means to make an ass out of yourself, then he is probably better off without her.  

I was making no assumption here about what her views of this act might have been. Rather, I was suggesting that if someone left you three months ago, it's best not to bombard them with endless platitudes about how sorry you are and how you can now see the error of your ways.

If somebody is turned off of you, they're turned off of you. Best to just heal up and move on as quickly as possible.

I've seen far too many instances of people who can't let go still pining for that person that left them and trying to win them back years and years later.

I do agree with you. Completely.
Telling stuff like it is doesn’t mean that your still hoping that it will lead to getting back together.
But, we are on the same page.