I am new here

Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum

Help Support Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum:

This site may earn a commission from merchant affiliate links, including eBay, Amazon, and others.
P

Phantimos

Guest
I am not sure what to write here. I guess i should introduce myself

Hi there. I am a 25 year old PhD researcher in the UK. My life right now can be summed up as: Uni, Gym, Games. I have no friends or love interests. I suffer from depression and  I feel like a complete loser 24/7. Sometimes, i get so depressed i can't bring myself to leave my room for fear of....everything. I can barely get out of bed in the morning and nothing i do seems to induce any feeling of joy. The only brief respite i have is the short endorphin high i get after a workout.

I have been depressed since the age of 15 but i have never admitted it, to myself or others, i just dealt with the symptoms as they came.   
Recently, i was involved in a romantic situation that left my heart beaten, broken, and scarred. My depression is as strong as ever as a result.

Anyway, those are the story beats of my life so far. Its not as descriptive as i would have liked it to be but there is too much static in my mind right now so i have to stop writing. 

Peace Out!
 
You are a PhD researcher, don't feel like a loser. Interested in martial arts? Mma and similar? I'm starting Brazilian ju jitzu in this days :D
 
Phantimos said:
I am not sure what to write here. I guess i should introduce myself

Hi there. I am a 25 year old PhD researcher in the UK. My life right now can be summed up as: Uni, Gym, Games. I have no friends or love interests. I suffer from depression and  I feel like a complete loser 24/7. Sometimes, i get so depressed i can't bring myself to leave my room for fear of....everything. I can barely get out of bed in the morning and nothing i do seems to induce any feeling of joy. The only brief respite i have is the short endorphin high i get after a workout.

I have been depressed since the age of 15 but i have never admitted it, to myself or others, i just dealt with the symptoms as they came.   
Recently, i was involved in a romantic situation that left my heart beaten, broken, and scarred. My depression is as strong as ever as a result.

Anyway, those are the story beats of my life so far. Its not as descriptive as i would have liked it to be but there is too much static in my mind right now so i have to stop writing. 

Peace Out!
Hi Phantimos, you shouldn't be so hard on yourself, it sounds like you have a lot going for you. Have you sought any help from anywhere for the depression? There may be some help available at your University? I think many post grad students can struggle with the work/life balance purely because there just is so much work involved, and if you already suffer with depression it is making an already challenging situation even harder.
I hope you will find some support during this difficult  time, either from this forum or somewhere else.
 
Unix said:
You are a PhD researcher, don't feel like a loser. Interested in martial arts? Mma and similar? I'm starting Brazilian ju jitzu in this days :D


Actually i used to do a bit of boxing and wrestling. I was recently into Krav-maga but stopped a long while ago.

So, Brazilian jiu-jitsu huh?. Hope you have good legs, you're gonna need'em  :p
 
Just.Shy said:
Phantimos said:
I am not sure what to write here. I guess i should introduce myself

Hi there. I am a 25 year old PhD researcher in the UK. My life right now can be summed up as: Uni, Gym, Games. I have no friends or love interests. I suffer from depression and  I feel like a complete loser 24/7. Sometimes, i get so depressed i can't bring myself to leave my room for fear of....everything. I can barely get out of bed in the morning and nothing i do seems to induce any feeling of joy. The only brief respite i have is the short endorphin high i get after a workout.

I have been depressed since the age of 15 but i have never admitted it, to myself or others, i just dealt with the symptoms as they came.   
Recently, i was involved in a romantic situation that left my heart beaten, broken, and scarred. My depression is as strong as ever as a result.

Anyway, those are the story beats of my life so far. Its not as descriptive as i would have liked it to be but there is too much static in my mind right now so i have to stop writing. 

Peace Out!
Hi Phantimos, you shouldn't be so hard on yourself, it sounds like you have a lot going for you. Have you sought any help from anywhere for the depression? There may be some help available at your University? I think many post grad students can struggle with the work/life balance purely because there just is so much work involved, and if you already suffer with depression it is making an already challenging situation even harder.
I hope you will find some support during this difficult  time, either from this forum or somewhere else.
Thank you for your concern Just.Shy, i do appreciate it.


The workload is not a main contributor to my depression, as a matter of fact, i can handle a big workload just fine when i am not having an episode. 

Actually people on the outside looking in see me as an intelligent, hardworking, friendly, and generally a positive guy. That is because i learned at a very young age to keep my problems to myself as nobody would have time for me or care at all for that matter. It is physically difficult for me to ask for help as it just feels wrong. Even joining and posting on this site takes more effort than i would care to admit.

Anyway, it has been two weeks now since i left my room to go anywhere besides the gym or the store. I am struggling to even go to the gym anymore. I am so alone and isolated, i feel like i am slowly losing my mind.

Here is a smiley to lighten the mood.
:club:
 
Phantimos said:
Just.Shy said:
Phantimos said:
I am not sure what to write here. I guess i should introduce myself

Hi there. I am a 25 year old PhD researcher in the UK. My life right now can be summed up as: Uni, Gym, Games. I have no friends or love interests. I suffer from depression and  I feel like a complete loser 24/7. Sometimes, i get so depressed i can't bring myself to leave my room for fear of....everything. I can barely get out of bed in the morning and nothing i do seems to induce any feeling of joy. The only brief respite i have is the short endorphin high i get after a workout.

I have been depressed since the age of 15 but i have never admitted it, to myself or others, i just dealt with the symptoms as they came.   
Recently, i was involved in a romantic situation that left my heart beaten, broken, and scarred. My depression is as strong as ever as a result.

Anyway, those are the story beats of my life so far. Its not as descriptive as i would have liked it to be but there is too much static in my mind right now so i have to stop writing. 

Peace Out!
Hi Phantimos, you shouldn't be so hard on yourself, it sounds like you have a lot going for you. Have you sought any help from anywhere for the depression? There may be some help available at your University? I think many post grad students can struggle with the work/life balance purely because there just is so much work involved, and if you already suffer with depression it is making an already challenging situation even harder.
I hope you will find some support during this difficult  time, either from this forum or somewhere else.
Thank you for your concern Just.Shy, i do appreciate it.


The workload is not a main contributor to my depression, as a matter of fact, i can handle a big workload just fine when i am not having an episode. 

Actually people on the outside looking in see me as an intelligent, hardworking, friendly, and generally a positive guy. That is because i learned at a very young age to keep my problems to myself as nobody would have time for me or care at all for that matter. It is physically difficult for me to ask for help as it just feels wrong. Even joining and posting on this site takes more effort than i would care to admit.

Anyway, it has been two weeks now since i left my room to go anywhere besides the gym or the store. I am struggling to even go to the gym anymore. I am so alone and isolated, i feel like i am slowly losing my mind.

Here is a smiley to lighten the mood.
:club:

I'm glad that you found this forum then, maybe just small steps of seeking help will gradually build to you getting all the help you need, as you are already doing everything else that you can to help combat depression.There is no shame in getting help for depression, it is just an illness that needs treating, but I can understand if you have been brought up with people who stigmatize it in different ways. 

And here's the same smiley because it made me smile :)

:club:
 
Hi. I sure can relate to your issues. Being sucsessfull on the outside does not mean you feel it on the innside. Atleast thats how i see myself. The few people around me see me as a carefree happy girl. My standard answer when someone ask me how i feel is always im fine. But innside i am not. Its hard to be honest, scary. Most people run when i am truthfull.
Anyways. I hope you force yourself to go more outside cause the longer you stay isolated the harder it gets. Anxiety is painfull and i struggle with it. I need to force myself to be more around people and that is the only thing that helps me to keep it in check.

If you need to talk, im here. Love Jessi.
 
Thank you Jessi, on one hand it sucks to hear someone else struggling with this brand of isolation, on the other hand i am glad to hear i am not alone.

Yeah getting out there is definitely the way to go but sometimes your rational mind knows a course of action is the most efficient one while your irrational mind just gets in the way, too afraid of change, too scared to leave the "comfort" zone.

Not a lot of people have the required support skills to aid with mental issues, i learned that lesson the hard way a long time ago. At least that's what i tell myself sometimes to justify being a loner.

The saddest part about all this is when you meet good people who actually care about you and would jump at the chance to help, they won't because to them clearly  you are just fine, great even, to the point where most people seek you out for emotional/mental support. So you are just stuck helping others while you are rotting away on the inside. That's how it goes, according to my experience anyway.

But hey, it all gets better with time and experience right?  :D
 
Phantimos said:
Thank you Jessi, on one hand it sucks to hear someone else struggling with this brand of isolation, on the other hand i am glad to hear i am not alone.

Yeah getting out there is definitely the way to go but sometimes your rational mind knows a course of action is the most efficient one while your irrational mind just gets in the way, too afraid of change, too scared to leave the "comfort" zone.

Not a lot of people have the required support skills to aid with mental issues, i learned that lesson the hard way a long time ago. At least that's what i tell myself sometimes to justify being a loner.

The saddest part about all this is when you meet good people who actually care about you and would jump at the chance to help, they won't because to them clearly  you are just fine, great even, to the point where most people seek you out for emotional/mental support. So you are just stuck helping others while you are rotting away on the inside. That's how it goes, according to my experience anyway.

But hey, it all gets better with time and experience right?  :D

Yeah. I feel that it is the people that are hurting just as bad as you are that have the compassion, strengt and willingness to really feel and listen to other peoples problems. That kind of empaty is only forged in fire. People that have had it easy is more interested in their own life. ::p but thats just how i feel.

So here goes: How are you really feeling today Phantimos? ;D
wishing you a good day.
 
Jessicat said:
Phantimos said:
Thank you Jessi, on one hand it sucks to hear someone else struggling with this brand of isolation, on the other hand i am glad to hear i am not alone.

Yeah getting out there is definitely the way to go but sometimes your rational mind knows a course of action is the most efficient one while your irrational mind just gets in the way, too afraid of change, too scared to leave the "comfort" zone.

Not a lot of people have the required support skills to aid with mental issues, i learned that lesson the hard way a long time ago. At least that's what i tell myself sometimes to justify being a loner.

The saddest part about all this is when you meet good people who actually care about you and would jump at the chance to help, they won't because to them clearly  you are just fine, great even, to the point where most people seek you out for emotional/mental support. So you are just stuck helping others while you are rotting away on the inside. That's how it goes, according to my experience anyway.

But hey, it all gets better with time and experience right?  :D

Yeah. I feel that it is the people that are hurting just as bad as you are that have the compassion, strengt and willingness to really feel and listen to other peoples problems. That kind of empaty is only forged in fire. People that have had it easy is more interested in their own life. ::p but thats just how i feel.

So here goes: How are you really feeling today Phantimos? ;D
wishing you a good day.
Well i just finished recovering from my last gym session(That is to say i slept all day yesterday).

Had a nice breakfast and shower so i am feeling....not bad?, not good either just stable i guess. There is also anxiety about my work which is way behind schedule but that's at the back of my mind for now.

Gonna head out to the gym and then do some shopping. That's all i got planned for today.

What about you jess? how are you feeling today?
 
Was out for a run with my dog so i have just hopped out of the shower. :) So now i smell like supersweet coconuts. My new shampoo is winning me over. :p
Anyways. Listening to spotify now, eating a bagle. My plans for the day are limited but I need to start looking for a new headset cause my mic just broke.
When it comes to the feeling front im not really feeling anything today. You would think that it was a good thing but I know its not.

Happy your feeling...not bad ;D
 
Just got back from the gym, everything hurts ow ow ow....but i wouldn't have it any other way.

Hope you've enjoyed that run, i always feel refreshed after doing intense cardio. Also, you mentioning that coconut shampoo has made me hungry for some reason  :p

As for the feeling nothing thing, i know what you mean. Somewhere along the line, i stopped feeling good from things like success or personal achievement. Those feelings just bounce right off me or, in the best case, last for about an hour or two maybe a day. So now my default setting is nothing, which somehow feels worse. Like instead of a crushing feeling of sadness that i get to express in some way, these days i just walk around feeling like there is a breeze flowing through a hole in my chest. Maybe i don't think i deserve to be happy?, i dunno. 

I am not sure if this relates to your situation, just thought i'd share my side of it.


So how was your day? and by that i mostly mean "How are you?"
 
Phantimos said:
Just got back from the gym, everything hurts ow ow ow....but i wouldn't have it any other way.

Hope you've enjoyed that run, i always feel refreshed after doing intense cardio. Also, you mentioning that coconut shampoo has made me hungry for some reason  :p

As for the feeling nothing thing, i know what you mean. Somewhere along the line, i stopped feeling good from things like success or personal achievement. Those feelings just bounce right off me or, in the best case, last for about an hour or two maybe a day. So now my default setting is nothing, which somehow feels worse. Like instead of a crushing feeling of sadness that i get to express in some way, these days i just walk around feeling like there is a breeze flowing through a hole in my chest. Maybe i don't think i deserve to be happy?, i dunno. 

I am not sure if this relates to your situation, just thought i'd share my side of it.


So how was your day? and by that i mostly mean "How are you?"

Omg. That really hit me.... ;(
"Like instead of a crushing feeling of sadness that i get to express in some way, these days i just walk around feeling like there is a breeze flowing through a hole in my chest." I remember when I used to feel that crushing sadness and it was so painfull. Remember when i was a little girl hiding in the woods near my house, my german shephard the only thing to keep me warm during the night. And now, all is a breeze flowing through a hole in my chest.
Thank you. It was so beautifull to read what you said. *hugging you*

Why do you feel like you don`t deserve to be happy?
 
Well if i had to think about it, i'd say its because i did not grow up with a healthy sense of self appreciation. In order to be there for as many people as i possibly could. I adopted the ideal that in regards to helping others or being the voice of reason in a heated situation, my feelings were irrelevant. As in it didn't matter how much i was hurting inside, i had to cast away(or ,more accurately, repress) my pain and remain as objective and solution oriented as i possibly could.

It all started with my family, then it just became an integral part of me. I guess me not feeling happiness as intensely as i should is a result of the numbness that my mind eventually developed in order to handle the amount of stress i was placing on it.

On the bright side, i have a pretty high endurance now. If there is one thing know i am great at, it's taking punishment both physically and mentally.

Any of this ringing any bells?
 
Yes, it fits my soul too.
Taking care of everyone and everything growing up leaves you unable to take care of yourself, or to deal with your own problems.
There is a price to high endurance. It takes more and more shattering pain to feel anything. I can go days without feeling myself. Then suddenly everything that has been building up innside me comes crashing down on me.
Its both sad and good to see myself in you. I go so long without having someone understand me. So when someone does its a good feeling, tainted with the knowledge that you are hurting too.
Do you use your training to release stuff?
 
HA!!, do i ever. 

I am that guy in the gym that's always grunting/shouting way too loud with a sour look on my face as i lift. Sometimes, when i have phone hooked up to the speaker's and my music is playing, i do a little dance and sing along in between sets. Which gets "Looks" from people, but i also notice some smiles :D

Training momentarily clears the clouds out of my mind. Which, in turn, allows me to think about things in a more positive light. In order to get there however, i need to train to the point of exhaustion. As a matter of fact, just today, the trainer at my gym told me as i was preparing to leave that i lift too much for too long and that this kind of training places too much stress on the muscles, which could slow their growth.

But it's not about that anymore. I don't train for looks or even health. I just do it to feel okay for a while. Also, i am pretty sure he is full of it because i watched true fighters train and they so much endurance that the stuff i do would barley qualify as a warm up for them.

What does running do for you?
 
Phantimos said:
HA!!, do i ever. 

I am that guy in the gym that's always grunting/shouting way too loud with a sour look on my face as i lift. Sometimes, when i have phone hooked up to the speaker's and my music is playing, i do a little dance and sing along in between sets. Which gets "Looks" from people, but i also notice some smiles :D

Training momentarily clears the clouds out of my mind. Which, in turn, allows me to think about things in a more positive light. In order to get there however, i need to train to the point of exhaustion. As a matter of fact, just today, the trainer at my gym told me as i was preparing to leave that i lift too much for too long and that this kind of training places too much stress on the muscles, which could slow their growth.

But it's not about that anymore. I don't train for looks or even health. I just do it to feel okay for a while. Also, i am pretty sure he is full of it because i watched true fighters train and they so much endurance that the stuff i do would barley qualify as a warm up for them.

What does running do for you?

Haha! You painted a great mental image in my mind. The people that gives you wierd looks is probably pissed at them self for not being able to be so...relaxed.  ;)
I do not work out at gyms. I work out too keep in shape and becasue I love it. Its usually with my dog and Spotify. We run, bike in the summer and hike alot. I don`t use working out as a release, I use sex. When I found what gave me clearity and peace of mind it was no going back so I understand your feelings on that. Its nice to feel free.
Wishing you a great day! :shy:
 

Latest posts

Back
Top