Unbearable Loneliness

scorpio54 · Oct 27, 2018

The reason why I'm sitting here typing this message to you is because I have absolutely no one else to talk to and haven't for the past fifteen years. I've been alone for so long now that I have forgotten what it feels like to hold someone's hand or even the touch of another human being. I never really knew, or believed, how physically painful life can be. When I was younger, nearly thirty-five years go now, I had a severe addiction to drugs and because of a number of crimes I had committed during my addiction I was sentenced to twenty years in a state prison which I served a little over nineteen years for. Unbeknownst to me I must have contracted Hep C before I went in and during my incarceration the virus had severely damaged my liver and when I was released and began to feel sick on a daily basis I went to a doctor who told me of the damage to my liver. He told me that even though the liver can rejuvenate itself, mine was way ;past that and my only hope is a liver transplant.
When I was released I had no where to go and my older sister invited me to stay with her and her family in a town that I had never been to before. Because of being sick almost from the day I was released I never had the chance to make any friends in this new town. When the trips to the doctor's got to be too much for my sister to handle she asked me to leave. She did find an apartment for me two blocks from her which I thought would be okay in case I was unable to get to a doctor on my own. That wasn't the case though, because not only could she no longer handle the trips to the doctor's nearly every two days, it got to the point where she cut off all contact with me. She said it was affecting her health to be constantly worried about me.
My days now are spent in my bedroom, almost twenty four hours a day as there isn't anywhere I can go. It's a very rural area where I live and any stores are nearly a half hour's ride in a car. I look out my bedroom window a lot and I can see some people going past and I can't tell you how much I wish I could be them!! I know my situation is entirely my fault, if I hadn't gotten addicted to drugs I wouldn't be in the situation I'm in now. Suicide has crossed my mind a lot lately, but i don't think I could do that. I have tears in my eyes now so I should close this message before I can't see the keyboard at all. Thank you for reading what I've written. Take care

Jently · Oct 27, 2018

I'm glad you wrote here and shared how bad you're feeling Scorpio54. I'd love to be able to offer advice or support but i'm not too good at that kind of thing, but I do want you to know that I totally know the despair you feel and am sending you wholehearted wishes that you will find some way out of situation you find yourself in.

Don't blame yourself for what you did in the past, there's not a person on the planet, bar the few who fail to be honest with themselves, who haven't made mistakes - we all have, it's just so sad that yours have caused long term health problems.
Have the doctors told you whether there's a chance of a liver transplant any time soon? I guess it's about finding a compatible donor is it?

If you'd like to talk please feel free to drop me a Pm, trust me I really do understand how you're feeling and am sending you a mountain of hugs full of care x

DeepTxWater · Oct 28, 2018

After what you've already been through it would be a shame to give in and give up on your life. You've paid the debt the justice system considered appropriate. And unfortunately you will continue to pay physically due to some of the choices you made. I don't know what led you down that path in the first place but it doesn't matter. Maybe there's a local church that could offer support, even if just to talk to. Or nearby support for recovering addicts. I've never dealt with this sort of thing so I'm in no position to advise. I'm sorry for your pain and isolation. Don't give up.

Purrfect · Oct 28, 2018

Loneliness is horrendous,and until a person has experienced it,they truly have no idea,There are ways to help combat loneliness.
Spending time with family and friends,if you have family and friends, employment,if a person is able to work, volunteer work, hobbies, different people have different interests, reading,writing,swimming,etc, email friends,pen friends,
A idea, maybe it would be a good idea,if people from the same neighbourhood met up,for a coffee,spent time together,built a friendship together.
Help each other with loneliness.

MonaK · Oct 28, 2018

Your post touched my heart. Especially the part about looking back, seeing how one got to the point where one is now, and the feelings we are left with. I have many of the same thoughts being sick with cancer. My thoughts are it`s not really your fault. You would have lived a better lifestyle, if you knew how at the time, but you didn`t. You don`t deserve this, nobody does. You deserve better.

I hope you manage to take the best care of yourself that you can in the situation you are in. Every little thing counts. I have so many frustrating moments myself, or hours..whole days. So I don`t have "the answer". But I keep trying to look for things that perhaps can give me a little flicker of hope, or joy, or meaning. Perhaps it`s music, or fall leaves, or listening to lectures and speaches about feelings of bitterness and hopelessness that I struggle with on youtube. Other times I just let myself be angry, or sad and upset until I am exhausted by that. I think it is very healthy to cry, get lots of stress hormones out of the system, and perhaps sleep better after. I think we carry a lot of grief inside us, and too many people hold too much on the inside for too long.

At the end of the rope we kind of have to look anywhere and everywhere for something to hold on to.
I hope that you keep reaching out to people. If it is your local community, church, any support groups for your health condition and here. Reach out to people, and you will among them find people who will reach out back to you.
Since I got the diagnosis, not having a lot of family, or support around me, like you, that`s what I did. I reached out and I also came here (this is my first post

I was bedridden after surgery when I started looking for communities online. And locally I got in touch with support groups. So I know everything is harder when you are sick. I sent an email to 10 disease peers and got two who contacted me back. And that one call I get once in a while from one of these wonderful strangers who share diagnosis with me helps. It is not every day, but it is something. And today we talked for an hour, and this lady told me to call her whenever I needed to talk with someone.

Not all will get your situation, not all will take the time to, not all understand what it means to be seriously sick, or that alone. You will get some bunk advice, but keep reaching out, and among all the people you will find some gems.

Illness can be so isolating. I too think about how far it is to stores I may need to go to, because I can`t easily get anywhere. Everything little thing becomes more difficult when you are sick. I had thoughts of suicide and dying from cancer, or surgeries too. We sure are stuck in a bad place..but I think this is where we also can find the most meaningful relationships. Having been sick a while (some years) I think we have to spread them upon many people, and not just one. The burden becomes too heavy for just one person. What we need is a whole village.

Please keep reaching out, and know that as miserable as we are, we are not the only ones. I hope my post was not too cluttered, my head is a mess these days. Feel free to DM me too, if you want to. I go into another surgery next week, so if I don`t answer, I`m not ignoring you. : ) <3

scorpio54 · Oct 30, 2018

MonaK said:
Your post touched my heart. Especially the part about looking back, seeing how one got to the point where one is now, and the feelings we are left with. I have many of the same thoughts being sick with cancer. My thoughts are it`s not really your fault. You would have lived a better lifestyle, if you knew how at the time, but you didn`t. You don`t deserve this, nobody does. You deserve better.

I hope you manage to take the best care of yourself that you can in the situation you are in. Every little thing counts. I have so many frustrating moments myself, or hours..whole days. So I don`t have "the answer". But I keep trying to look for things that perhaps can give me a little flicker of hope, or joy, or meaning. Perhaps it`s music, or fall leaves, or listening to lectures and speaches about feelings of bitterness and hopelessness that I struggle with on youtube. Other times I just let myself be angry, or sad and upset until I am exhausted by that. I think it is very healthy to cry, get lots of stress hormones out of the system, and perhaps sleep better after. I think we carry a lot of grief inside us, and too many people hold too much on the inside for too long.

At the end of the rope we kind of have to look anywhere and everywhere for something to hold on to.
I hope that you keep reaching out to people. If it is your local community, church, any support groups for your health condition and here. Reach out to people, and you will among them find people who will reach out back to you.
Since I got the diagnosis, not having a lot of family, or support around me, like you, that`s what I did. I reached out and I also came here (this is my first post I was bedridden after surgery when I started looking for communities online. And locally I got in touch with support groups. So I know everything is harder when you are sick. I sent an email to 10 disease peers and got two who contacted me back. And that one call I get once in a while from one of these wonderful strangers who share diagnosis with me helps. It is not every day, but it is something. And today we talked for an hour, and this lady told me to call her whenever I needed to talk with someone.

Not all will get your situation, not all will take the time to, not all understand what it means to be seriously sick, or that alone. You will get some bunk advice, but keep reaching out, and among all the people you will find some gems.

Illness can be so isolating. I too think about how far it is to stores I may need to go to, because I can`t easily get anywhere. Everything little thing becomes more difficult when you are sick. I had thoughts of suicide and dying from cancer, or surgeries too. We sure are stuck in a bad place..but I think this is where we also can find the most meaningful relationships. Having been sick a while (some years) I think we have to spread them upon many people, and not just one. The burden becomes too heavy for just one person. What we need is a whole village.

Please keep reaching out, and know that as miserable as we are, we are not the only ones. I hope my post was not too cluttered, my head is a mess these days. Feel free to DM me too, if you want to. I go into another surgery next week, so if I don`t answer, I`m not ignoring you. : ) <3

Thank you very much for taking the time to read my post and offer me some great ideas. I'm sorry to hear about your diagnosis and greatly admire your ability to keep a mostly optimistic outlook. When someone tells you that they know what you're going through when they've never experienced anything close to what you are, sometimes can be extremely frustrating, and at times even cause a great deal of anger. I know they mean well, but it's still frustrating to hear. I'm sure you know exactly what I'm talking about. Have your doctor's given you a prognosis or any hope that all will be well once you've gone through the surgeries? Do you have any idea about how many more surgeries you might need? There have been many times when I've sat and looked out the window and wondered if the people I might see walking past have any idea of how physically painful loneliness is. When I was younger I never thought in a million years that my life would turn out the way that it has. I was in great physical shape, running twelve miles a day and once in a while I'd run a marathon, but the thing I enjoyed the most was lifting weights. At the gym I went to I met some great guys and had quite a few friends and some I got close to, but when I was released from prison I called a few of them, hoping and praying that somehow we could reconnect, but a few had moved and a couple of others had gotten married and their wives didn't like the idea of a convicted felon being in contact with their husbands. That hurt a lot when I thought of how close we once were. You'll be in my prayers as you go through your surgery and I hope that everything works out. Thanks again for taking the time to read my post and replying. God Bless

scorpio54 · Oct 30, 2018

DeepTxWater said:
After what you've already been through it would be a shame to give in and give up on your life. You've paid the debt the justice system considered appropriate. And unfortunately you will continue to pay physically due to some of the choices you made. I don't know what led you down that path in the first place but it doesn't matter. Maybe there's a local church that could offer support, even if just to talk to. Or nearby support for recovering addicts. I've never dealt with this sort of thing so I'm in no position to advise. I'm sorry for your pain and isolation. Don't give up.

I wanted to thank you for taking the time out of your day to read and reply to my post. Unfortunately the debt that I had incurred to society is not a simple thing to overcome. It has affected my life in so many different ways and none of them have been beneficial to me, in fact just the opposite is true. Is that a picture of you on the bike? That picture brought back a lot of memories for me. I used to ride and the one feeling that has stuck with me all these years is the sense of freedom it gave me, but that memory is starting to fade and I can't remember most of the things that I enjoyed back then. Thank you for your kind words. God Bless

DeepTxWater · Oct 31, 2018

scorpio54 said:
DeepTxWater said:

After what you've already been through it would be a shame to give in and give up on your life. You've paid the debt the justice system considered appropriate. And unfortunately you will continue to pay physically due to some of the choices you made. I don't know what led you down that path in the first place but it doesn't matter. Maybe there's a local church that could offer support, even if just to talk to. Or nearby support for recovering addicts. I've never dealt with this sort of thing so I'm in no position to advise. I'm sorry for your pain and isolation. Don't give up.

Click to expand...

I wanted to thank you for taking the time out of your day to read and reply to my post. Unfortunately the debt that I had incurred to society is not a simple thing to overcome. It has affected my life in so many different ways and none of them have been beneficial to me, in fact just the opposite is true. Is that a picture of you on the bike? That picture brought back a lot of memories for me. I used to ride and the one feeling that has stuck with me all these years is the sense of freedom it gave me, but that memory is starting to fade and I can't remember most of the things that I enjoyed back then. Thank you for your kind words. God Bless

Actually that is not me on the bike although I am planning on using a video of myself. I just gotta find someone to ride down a lonely road with me with a video camera. I ride as often as I can including several weekend road trips and at least one 5 to 10 day road trip per year. Yeah you're right, the feeling of the wind buffeting is incredible to me. I never get tired of it. Now that my kids are out on their own I get more joy from my bike than anything else. It's the one place I can be completely alone but totally happy. Somehow being on the bike makes me forget how alone I am everywhere else.
I hope recalling those old memories can relieve some of your pain, even if for just a moment. Try to find something to bring some joy back into your life. Reading, art, photography or maybe you can get your hands on a bike again. And just keep reaching out to people. I've never been in your position but there are thousands of people who have. I really hope you can get yourself to a place of peace and comfort. Keep the shiny side up!

scorpio54 · Oct 31, 2018

DeepTxWater said:
scorpio54 said:

DeepTxWater said:

After what you've already been through it would be a shame to give in and give up on your life. You've paid the debt the justice system considered appropriate. And unfortunately you will continue to pay physically due to some of the choices you made. I don't know what led you down that path in the first place but it doesn't matter. Maybe there's a local church that could offer support, even if just to talk to. Or nearby support for recovering addicts. I've never dealt with this sort of thing so I'm in no position to advise. I'm sorry for your pain and isolation. Don't give up.

Click to expand...

I wanted to thank you for taking the time out of your day to read and reply to my post. Unfortunately the debt that I had incurred to society is not a simple thing to overcome. It has affected my life in so many different ways and none of them have been beneficial to me, in fact just the opposite is true. Is that a picture of you on the bike? That picture brought back a lot of memories for me. I used to ride and the one feeling that has stuck with me all these years is the sense of freedom it gave me, but that memory is starting to fade and I can't remember most of the things that I enjoyed back then. Thank you for your kind words. God Bless

Click to expand...

Actually that is not me on the bike although I am planning on using a video of myself. I just gotta find someone to ride down a lonely road with me with a video camera. I ride as often as I can including several weekend road trips and at least one 5 to 10 day road trip per year. Yeah you're right, the feeling of the wind buffeting is incredible to me. I never get tired of it. Now that my kids are out on their own I get more joy from my bike than anything else. It's the one place I can be completely alone but totally happy. Somehow being on the bike makes me forget how alone I am everywhere else.
I hope recalling those old memories can relieve some of your pain, even if for just a moment. Try to find something to bring some joy back into your life. Reading, art, photography or maybe you can get your hands on a bike again. And just keep reaching out to people. I've never been in your position but there are thousands of people who have. I really hope you can get yourself to a place of peace and comfort. Keep the shiny side up!

Once again I thank you for your kind words.The chances of me ever getting on a bike again with the health problems I'm having would make that impossible for me, but I like the thought. Please take care of yourself always. The one thing I have found, but too late, is to never take tomorrow for granted do as much as you can now. God Bless

Unbearable Loneliness

Help Support Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum:

scorpio54

Member

Jently

Guest

DeepTxWater

Well-known member

Purrfect

Guest

MonaK

New member

scorpio54

Member

scorpio54

Member

DeepTxWater

Well-known member

scorpio54

Member

Similar threads

Latest posts

Unbearable Loneliness

Help Support Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum:

Member

Jently

Guest

Well-known member

Purrfect

Guest

New member

Member

Member

Well-known member

Member

Similar threads

Join the conversation!

Join today and get all the highlights of this community direct to your inbox. It's FREE!