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tellski

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Sorry. You probably heard this story a thousand times already but I really need to vent.

I'm terribly lonely and I don't know what to do anymore. 
I really need to believe that I can be loved but it seems impossible.
I'm too ugly, too stupid, too anxious, too poor, too boring and I'm just afraid of people.

For a moment I believed it could change if I meet people and open up. I even felt like I could handle rejection. 
I wanted to start slowly. Get closer to my acquaintances and build a small social circle. Meet new people.
I was 32 and for the first time I went to a party, a bar, a club, a concert... I actually had a lot of fun every time but it didn't work out.
Couldn't gather the courage to speak up even to the people I knew. Alcohol didn't help. I had absolutely no idea what to say and how to act while it looked so easy for others. They were just so relaxed.

Even worse. It didn't matter how much fun I had. The next day I would always over-analyze everything - every word, every look from someone, my every **** movement. It would make me regret leaving the house. I felt like I tried too hard. Like it's laughable that someone like me could try to fit in.
I'm out of options. It seems I hoped that my life would magically change after I started going out. It was so draining but it didn't matter in the end. I'm so tired of it. I just want to meet someone who would validate me. Tell me I'm alright. Someone who would prove to me that I can believe them.
But then again why would anyone go through the trouble? There really is no point. I have nothing to offer.
 
The key is to stop expecting something out of going of. The only thing you should worry about is having fun, which you said you did. Keep going places, keep having fun. You will meet people. Don't worry so much about what other people think, you had fun and that's ALL that matters.
Everyone has something to offer, stop being so down about yourself and list your GOOD qualities.
 
TheRealCallie said:
The key is to stop expecting something out of going of.  The only thing you should worry about is having fun, which you said you did.  Keep going places, keep having fun.  You will meet people.  Don't worry so much about what other people think, you had fun and that's ALL that matters.  
Everyone has something to offer, stop being so down about yourself and list your GOOD qualities.
Click to expand...

I struggle to find any good qualities in myself. I can't stop basing my self worth on others and getting a good feedback is impossible when I can't create any kind of bond.

Going out is getting harder because I am such a lousy company. I was lucky that guys I am working with wanted to spend time with me but it was mostly because they where shocked I wanted to hang out. We work together for almost 6 years and up until now I never socialized with them outside the office. Now that the novelty has worn off, it's difficult to organize anything. Plus they all have wives and kids so they can't go out drinking every Friday. 

I tried going to a pub alone but I felt very out of place. Everybody else was there in a group and I was just sitting in a corner trying not to look like a total creep. It seems pointless. I can't handle people with who I spend 8h almost every working day for years so there is no way I would approach random strangers.
 
tellski said:
TheRealCallie said:
The key is to stop expecting something out of going of.  The only thing you should worry about is having fun, which you said you did.  Keep going places, keep having fun.  You will meet people.  Don't worry so much about what other people think, you had fun and that's ALL that matters.  
Everyone has something to offer, stop being so down about yourself and list your GOOD qualities.
Click to expand...

I struggle to find any good qualities in myself. I can't stop basing my self worth on others and getting a good feedback is impossible when I can't create any kind of bond.

Going out is getting harder because I am such a lousy company. I was lucky that guys I am working with wanted to spend time with me but it was mostly because they where shocked I wanted to hang out. We work together for almost 6 years and up until now I never socialized with them outside the office. Now that the novelty has worn off, it's difficult to organize anything. Plus they all have wives and kids so they can't go out drinking every Friday. 

I tried going to a pub alone but I felt very out of place. Everybody else was there in a group and I was just sitting in a corner trying not to look like a total creep. It seems pointless. I can't handle people with who I spend 8h almost every working day for years so there is no way I would approach random strangers.
Click to expand...

Going out doesn't mean you have to be with someone. It was good advice, just go out and do whatever appeals to you. It's true that's all that matters. Go out and be around people who are doing things you like.  If you go to a pub, don't sit in the corner, sit at the bar where the other people are.  If you want to go out to meet people, but then isolate yourself from them it's a bit counterproductive.  I agree, don't concern yourself with what others think.  Be that person who can be out alone smiling and having a good time. People will notice that.
 
Yeah! I've been there. A real problem with all anxiety and depression is the constant questioning and analysing "why?" Also we expect to have an interesting social life and be appreciated, even loved and we beat ourselves up if it doesn't work out and then we feel there's something wrong with us.
Well! For whatever reason, I've never achieved the "normal" goals of success in work, social life and relationships. I used to constantly wonder why and what was I doing wrong and how was I giving off all the wrong signals? But now.... I've grown used to being who and what I am and concentrating on all the things in life that I personally enjoy, whether or not they involve others, although I have joined clubs connected with some of those activities. I read, I play music, I make things and I study things that interest me.

I have ceased to care what others think or "their" expectations and I no longer think there's something wrong with me because I don't fit society's norms; I'm as good and worthy as anybody else and better than some. I'm going to grow old disgracefully and not worry about what I haven't got, didn't do or might never achieve. Surprisingly that attitude seems a better fit with others than trying too hard to be accepted. Sure I get lonely; I have black periods but it doesn't rain all the time and it might be a sunny day tomorrow.
 
tellski said:
Sorry. You probably heard this story a thousand times already but I really need to vent.

I'm terribly lonely and I don't know what to do anymore. 
I really need to believe that I can be loved but it seems impossible.
I'm too ugly, too stupid, too anxious, too poor, too boring and I'm just afraid of people.

For a moment I believed it could change if I meet people and open up. I even felt like I could handle rejection. 
I wanted to start slowly. Get closer to my acquaintances and build a small social circle. Meet new people.
I was 32 and for the first time I went to a party, a bar, a club, a concert... I actually had a lot of fun every time but it didn't work out.
Couldn't gather the courage to speak up even to the people I knew. Alcohol didn't help. I had absolutely no idea what to say and how to act while it looked so easy for others. They were just so relaxed.

Even worse. It didn't matter how much fun I had. The next day I would always over-analyze everything - every word, every look from someone, my every **** movement. It would make me regret leaving the house. I felt like I tried too hard. Like it's laughable that someone like me could try to fit in.
I'm out of options. It seems I hoped that my life would magically change after I started going out. It was so draining but it didn't matter in the end. I'm so tired of it. I just want to meet someone who would validate me. Tell me I'm alright. Someone who would prove to me that I can believe them.
But then again why would anyone go through the trouble? There really is no point. I have nothing to offer.
Click to expand...

I'm sorry you feel this way. We all seek validation from people, only problem is this does not make us feel better. Instead seek validation from yourself, there is nothing wrong with you. Try not to overthink (I know it's hard I'm a chronic case of overthinker) and try to see yourself as worthy, worthy of love, and worthy of good connections, because you are. I hope things get better, and hope you find what you seek.
 
tellski said:
Sorry. You probably heard this story a thousand times already but I really need to vent.

I'm terribly lonely and I don't know what to do anymore. 
I really need to believe that I can be loved but it seems impossible.
I'm too ugly, too stupid, too anxious, too poor, too boring and I'm just afraid of people.

For a moment I believed it could change if I meet people and open up. I even felt like I could handle rejection. 
I wanted to start slowly. Get closer to my acquaintances and build a small social circle. Meet new people.
I was 32 and for the first time I went to a party, a bar, a club, a concert... I actually had a lot of fun every time but it didn't work out.
Couldn't gather the courage to speak up even to the people I knew. Alcohol didn't help. I had absolutely no idea what to say and how to act while it looked so easy for others. They were just so relaxed.

Even worse. It didn't matter how much fun I had. The next day I would always over-analyze everything - every word, every look from someone, my every **** movement. It would make me regret leaving the house. I felt like I tried too hard. Like it's laughable that someone like me could try to fit in.
I'm out of options. It seems I hoped that my life would magically change after I started going out. It was so draining but it didn't matter in the end. I'm so tired of it. I just want to meet someone who would validate me. Tell me I'm alright. Someone who would prove to me that I can believe them.
But then again why would anyone go through the trouble? There really is no point. I have nothing to offer.
Click to expand...
 
It’s a dilemma everyone of us here has likely dealt with at some point. I would like to suggest you validate yourself first, accept yourself for who you are, be sincere about it and mean it. We have to believe in ourselves before anything else. I have learned to “act” whenever I attend parties, I close my mind to my inner self criticism and only focus on what the other person says, asking questions that follow the other individuals interest and likes. Whenever the conversation dies off(normal), I excuse myself with the line.....”It was nice to meet you, I better mingle with the other people I haven’t seen in a while, before they leave”......or any other you can come up with....restroom break, drink...etc.
 

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