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hitch1983

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Came to the realisation im lonely because im boring.  I can never get past 2 dates.  

When im on a date with a girl i like, i go shy, i try force myself out of it, but i cant really and because of my lifestyle and situation ive nothing really of interest to say.

Im 35, employed with a passion for fitness.  I'm not the worst looking guy in the world, but nothing really special.  My body helps attract women i think.

The reason im lonely - probably million reasons - probably mostly to do with me, i dunno.  I cant get out of the viscous circle.  Ive tried (gym classes, church, being more open to things) and ive improved slightly but 90% of time of free time when you exclude work is spent alone.

Why?  the conclusion i can think of is, is im boring.  Im boring because of loneliness and im lonely because im boring.  

Doesnt just apply to potential love interests, it applies to making friends or family.

I feel trapped in my head and body and unable to express myself and when youve suffered this for years, its almost impossible to get out of, because whoever i was before is gone, and all that is left is this boring guy.

The reason ive came to this conclusion, is ive had  2 dates in the past month.  Before the dates, i was feeling more confident in myself and trying hard to make a decent life for myself and whilst there was ups and downs, i was doing okish.

THus why i got 2 dates.  Ok they were both online dates.  But they lived locally for a change, so i was feeling positive about making these dates work.

The first girl, had lunch together, which went ok, got a kiss at the end.  (Ive got enough chat in me for one date at least).  Then second date was a dinner and activity date in glasgow.  This time the mystery about me is gone, and ive nothing left to say about myself thats interesting, so all i can do is ask her questions endlessly.  Plus im more awkward because i know ive got nothing left.  she picked up on that, and dumped me the next day.

Second girl.  Was feeling pretty honeysuckle after that experience but was determined to push through, and by chance i got another opportunity with this second girl. ANother local girl (my dating experiences tend to be long distance, which just doesnt work - but thats another story)  But yeah a another local girl.  wait for a bus, two come along at once sorta thing.

So asked her out, had dinner, went well as the first, got a kiss at the end of the night.  Then things took a different direction. Probably because of her character than anything.  But the date with this girl moved pretty fast.  We agreed to meet again 2 days later, but ended up meeting the next day, all her doing!  So we had a date at my flat and had dinner together, then she spent the night and then the next 3 nights after it.  Great you think. 

But the whole experience wasnt really true.  we were mostly just cuddling up on the sofa watching tv every night we were together.  not really connecting, except physically by actual touch.   conversation was steered by the tv and bits and pieces about our day at work etc.

WHen we did try to do some proper dates, again it was awkward as the first girl.  We tried a lunch time walk and then i took her to glasgow again.  Same old story, i had nothing to say.  The only thing that survived it as long as it did, was probably because of her and her and her battling whatever things she was going through.  Only difference between me and her, is im more desperate to make anything work with a partner than her.  eventuality she came to her senses and dumped me after a week of knowing me.

You'll probably say, well maybe your awkward because there just not the right girls for you and i will agree with that.  But when your in my situation, anything is a good.  because the alternative is a very lonely life and if it keeps going the way it is, i can imagine it only getting worse.

Plus my dating opportunities is limited, i dont have the personality to ask out girls in person, and online dating only offers long distance because of where i live and i cant afford a long distance relationship and no longer want that path anyway.  

the second girl gave me a taster of what life could be like with a girl who lives in the same town as me but the next opportunity in that regards could be months if not years away.  The last time i got opportunities like this was 10 years ago.

so i feel trapped.  how can i stop being boring or do better on dates?
 
You say that you are boring (I find that hard to believe about anybody tho). Maybe the clue is to find something to be passionate about. Got to be something out there that you would like to do or be better at? Doesn’t have to be skydiving or anything like that.
I like movies, series, books, music, gaming, running, animals, love to skip small talk. When I talk to people it tend to be about that. Have you listened to this or that musician, seen this movie. Just letting talk flow from whatever you have done recently or whatever hobbies I like. It doesn’t have to be total wow-factor all the time, just be relaxed.
Go on a search to find something you like doing. Don’t know if any of this helps.
I am hoping it works out for you.

Hi btw! 😊
 
Why do you think you are the one who has to please them? Why do you HAVE to keep things interesting?

You make it sound like those girls dumping you was your fault alone. I would advise you to try and relax on your next date. Don't place such pressure on yourself. Trust that the girl who is compatible with you will stay once she sees the real you.

But hey, I am not an expert or anything. That's just how I do it.
 
Fitness is my hobby.  Im in the best shape of my life.  Ripped, six pack abs etc.  But body building is lonely road most of the time.

Its probably the reason i can get the dates in the first place.  

But it doesnt exactly make good conversation, talking about workouts and macros etc. with girls
 
Either own your so-called boringness and wear it with pride.
Or get a new hobbie that makes for good conversations.
😄
Regardless.
Someone’s probably out there also wondering why they can’t keep a man interested.
Hopefully you 2 meet. 🌈
 
Well, I saw your pic, its sure as not your looks that are an issue. I miss the time I used to look more like that lol.
Boring? Define boring. My folks have been married for 40 years, mom a receptionist, retired, dad a fireman, retired, and in the morning they argue on how the bread dries up if you start eating the crust first. Now THAT is boring ;-)
Be yourself. Fitness is your passion? Talk fitness, SHARE that passion. The girl interested in you will see that and either adopt or already share the same passion. I think people have a funny idea of what a relationship is supposed to be like, that it always needs to be interesting. It doesn't. See above lol.
But in order for it to work, it has to be authentic. That means putting aside the fear of sounding boring by rephraining from started 30 sentences with " yesterday at the gym...". If that is you, that IS you. Take pride in that, man
And, keep your ears out for affordable property in your area, because Im definetely retiring somewhere in the Highlands someday lol.
Hope this helps my friend, from the posts Ive seen of yours, you sound like a good person. Thats priceless, because its rare.
 
Could you learn an instrument if you don't already play one? In my experience from being a musician it is one of the things that people find more interesting about me.
 
I find the easiest way to not be boring in this life is to take a passionate and vested interest in the subtleties of the human condition.

It's something we all know, can all bond over, and can laugh and cry at the joy and hardships together.

It all starts by examining, and being as honest as possible with, oneself.

Books are never a bad idea either.
 
I think Richard's advice is the most sound advice so far. If you're a gym bro, BE a gym bro. You're already halfway further than most guys that frequent this board will EVER get. You're in shape, and at least carry enough confidence to initiate dates. If you can make the numbers game work for you, there's no shame in playing it until someone sticks.
 
Red_Wedding_Casualty said:
If you can make the numbers game work for you, there's no shame in playing it until someone sticks.

Aside of the fact that by forcing a relationship by playing the numbers game, one will only end up with something more a compromise than a dream.

The really good ones only come when we're least expecting them, and not looking for them.

OP would do much better to work on himself and learn to be happy by himself, than thrashing the numbers.

IMO.
 
... without it becoming a numbers game, or it becoming solely a quest for ever lasting self-improvement, I think it's important to remember that, when meeting potential partners for a romantic relationship, things sometimes just don't work out. It needn't always be a self reflection on oneself or a sign that one is boring, or uninteresting, or ugly, or things of that nature. That, I believe, is also very important to remember so as to not develop, over time, feelings of self-inadequacies that are not always justified. Therein my suggestion to not fear of being yourself, but also not take every failiure as a personal criticism. It affects self-confidence over time and I find that self-confidence is an intangible quality that most people look for in each other. The reasons for relationships not initially working out are so numerous and diverse, it becomes unfair to always take it as a personal criticism of either looks or personality.
It's a game of attritition. Finding the right someone takes time. Moreso with the depersonalisation of online dating. As demoralizing as it can be, it's important not to lose personal respect in the process.

If I could add another bit of advice, I'd seek out the opinion of female friends of your entourage. I imagine you have some unromantically interested female friends, I'd go to them and describe this bad experience and ask them if you could have acted differently, or done something differently. They know the real you far better than us strangers on the internet do and are more apt to say if it was just bad luck, or if there is something different you could have done. Feedback is important but it needs to come from a reliable source.
 

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