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metamorphosis

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Hi everyone, 

I've never been on a forum before, but I've found myself feeling very empty and lonely lately and wanted to find a place where I could talk to people with the same problems and articulate a bit of what I'm feeling.

I'm sure whatever I'm about to write is going to seem lengthy, so I don't expect everyone to read it. I guess I just feel better putting my thoughts and feelings into words, and I thought expressing it in a public forum might be therapeutic, as opposed to being trapped in my head. 

I'm 19, male and currently a sophomore in college studying Economics (I plan on going to law school after). 

In high school I was terribly lonely. Growing up, people always found me annoying and made fun of me, so I really shut down and sort of ghosted through high school silently. During that time though, I met my best friend online named Zack, and spent all my free time skyping with him and playing video games basically. We've met in real life several times and he really is the only person in the world who really knows me, and that I totally trust and can be open to. My family wasn't very supportive growing up, although I love them dearly. (I have married parents and am the oldest of 5 kids for the record).

Once I got to college, everything changed. I moved away from my hometown and family and really flipped as a person. I made too many friends to count, many of whom I spend almost all my free time with. I got a job at the school paper, became very involved in many campus organizations, and have pretty surprising name recognition on campus. I also work a lot on political campaigns and have really networked well there. Additionally, I play a lot of intramural sports and am just all-around pretty integrated into my school. 

During the day I'm laser-focused and ambitious. I spend a lot of time focusing on making money, setting myself up for financial success, and prepping my resume for law school. People tend to describe me as highly-motivated and extroverted. However, once I lay down at night, it feels like the charade stops, and I shed my false skin, revealing a lonely, self-conscious kid that never really left high school.

Even with how great my life seems, I miss the days of skyping Zack, whom I only get to talk to once every few months now because of his and I's busy schedule. Never did it occur to me that I'd miss my family, but now I only see them once or twice a year, and when I leave them I sob. It just seems like I've done everything I'm supposed to, built myself a reality that's surrounded in energy and friends, yet I feel more alone than ever. It seems like everybody knows me, but nobody really knows me.

When I lay down at night my thoughts taunt me. Is it really worth it? Chasing money, recognition, validation? During the day I'd say absolutely, but when I lay down for the night I'm convinced it isn't. It'll never be enough and I know I'll never be satisfied, so why even bother. It's hard to resist the urge to just pack my things, pull all my money out of my bank account and drive west until I run out of gas money. Everything seems so futile. We all have the same size grave anyway, no matter rich or poor, famous or unknown. I don't know what the point of all this--any of this--is. Every night I just wish I could end it all and greet death with a smile, but I couldn't do that to my family. They deserve better. But it just seems like the only way out sometimes.

Anywho, I just figured I'd write that down finally. I'm excited to meet all of you, and really glad to be a part of the forum!  :D
 
Hi.
Thanks for sharing your story.
Sounds like it has been from one extreme to another, feeling very lonely too being the full blown social flower. It’s hard to find your place in life, finding out who you are. Maybe you need to try and find the middle road? Wearing masks is exhausting, is there a way to shed some of that? Sounds like you are under a lot of pressure.
The good news here is that your 19. You have lots of time to work this problem out.
I’m certain that in time it will get better.
Cheers to you for reaching out!
*wave* 😄
 
I can skype if you want. Voice chat mainly. I live in europe.
 

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