Thread Rating:
  • 0 Vote(s) - 0 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
Relationships - what to make of them?
#11
(11-13-2018, 04:52 PM)bleed_the_freak Wrote: I can relate a lot to what the OP has posted. My issue is I can't trust anymore and all I see is fakeness.

I see that a lot too. Some people grab on to that mask and keep it forced on for dear life, too scared to do anything else. In my own opinion that’s a worse state too be in. In denial of what your true self is, always trying to be perfect. Must be like standing inside a house on fire screaming at the top of your lungs that it’s raining. 
People choose their own road. Some want to stay on fake street, others live in essence lane. Lol. 😂
Reply
#12
I'm sorry that you feel disillusioned with relationships.  I agree with @The Real Callie that potentially you haven't really accepted it (that's maybe why you are here posting?),  but maybe there is a part of you that wishes you would accept it!   I think many of us struggle with wanting to hide or quit trying to find real people and just be OK within our own walls, but truly it's a lonely place to be and if we are honest--- not a place where good things are happening in our life.  Community is important.    

Relationships take work.  It's one messy person with baggage connecting with another messy person with baggage.   To some degree, we all have masks and so we have to stick around long enough to be a safe place to let down that mask.   I believe that people change and grow during a friendship/relationship and you have to allow them grace to grow and realize you are growing into a better person as well.   It helps me when I stop assuming the problem is everyone else and I can take a honest look at my life and see changes I need to make.  How negative thinking has caused some behaviors and actions that push people away.  It's up to me to change that or to just  say that if "people can't take it, then I don't need them."   For me, it's a path to a bitter and lonely life.  

I think it's like most things in life that you have to keep trying and not give up.   There are days that it feels awesome and days you want to quit.    There are  weeds out there, so you wade through that, but just be careful to give people a chance.  Maybe we give up too easily.    I think we don't realize that it's not truly easy for most people (especially as we get older) and then we can finally start realizing that we all have to put in a LOT of effort.  It takes time to build a foundation of comfortable friendship and a sense of not taking yourself too seriously.  
My encouragement is to keep trying.  Every day.  Keep trying!  That's what I say about my diet and exercise too!  LOL
Reply
#13
“It helps me when I stop assuming the problem is everyone else and I can take a honest look at my life and see changes I need to make.”

Couldn’t agree more. Changing someone else is a fools errand. Only thing you can control and do something about is yourself.  🌈
Reply
#14
(11-12-2018, 03:26 PM)Twiggy Wrote: Hello people, I'm new to the forum; just spent the last hour trying to figure out how to get around it and how to work it - hoping this will come with use?!  Now thinking my user name should have been techdummy.

I used to have a pretty full life, but nowadays I struggle to leave my room and get the day to day things done, as I have a health condition. I'd say I'm content with my own company for 23hrs a day.  I'm past the frustration re not being able to do much now, I kind of accept it but I can get low, been stressed and ill a lot lately, so I've been escaping in the box set one after another, I've recently come to the end of 24 and missing Jack Bauer - with no new boxset yet to take Jack's place.

I'm kind of ok with being alone, it's easier and I feel more at peace, I like human contact but I dont like getting up close and personal with folk these days. When able I take more enjoyment from making something than being with people. I also prefer talking to strangers than to anyone I know.

Life's shown me that sooner or later I will run into trouble when I'm in a relationship with someone.  I'm not afraid to face the difficulties when a relationship hits a bump, infact I know that overcoming these challenges often strengthens a relationship, but as I've got older I just feel so less inclined to do so anymore, I'm either too angry or I cant be bothered. Guessing that a number of people I knew also felt this way about me and that's why they're gone now as my friend pool has somewhat evaporated. 

The only thing I really miss is laughter, because we can only really ever have a belly full when with someone else hey, I know already that when I do meet my end that will be a regret, that and more sex - cant do either of these things in isolation.  

I found that to be a friend it sort of means to be on a constant standby, ready to arrange a meet up at any moment, ready to have a chat on the phone or in the street, do a lot of things I have no real interest in doing, pretty time consuming really, then there's the offer to help, that's a big one. 

The circle of mummy friends I used to have seemed to always be competing to be the most kind, thoughtful, helpful person in the world - it was relentless and I felt shit when I'd forgotten something or someone or I hadnt thought about how I could have offered my services when someone else did.  It felt like a heap of helping for what to me - a few mildly fun gatherings and the feeling I was in the club. Then there was the back stabbing, the judgements and the politics to swerve - all so very tedious and sometimes just plain nasty.  Problem is, you're either with them or against them, so when I left I fell into the latter. 

Someone once said to me that a relationship is a bit like a bank account, you deposit, deposit, deposit some more then you can make a withdrawal. I kind of get that.  Now I'm ill I cant deposit, and I feel overdrawn with those I consider close, those who get me, so I've cut myself off from these people as well as it feels too uncomfortable, not equal anymore, I cant bring any fun or offer anything really - thing is I'm finding that it appears to suit them this way too of course, no one wants to keep on giving to get nothing back. If I've got nothing to give how can I be in any kind of relationship? I cant can I.

Not after sympathy but I'd be interested to read what others think about relationships, any experiences, lessons, theories or a 'must see' boxset recommendation would also be great.

Firefly.

Look at Mal. Closely. The way the character was written actually contains a lot that people like you, or me, who have grown rather bitter (I don't feel bitter is right, but I cant find the right word, probably "wearied"or reticent) about relationships. The man believes in nothing when you first meet him. By the end, though, in a great example of character growth, without thinking he's actually healed, you can definetely say he sees a way out of his misery. It helped me at the worst time, the absolutely worst and most miserable time in my life.

Relationships are difficult. The closest thing to an actual Act of Faith we can get. Sometimes, they pay off, others not. The important thing to me to remember is to take them as a lesson in how to grow and how to become a better person by learning from my own failiures, irregardless of the circumstances. It can only lead me to future better ones
Reply
#15
(11-13-2018, 09:17 AM)Jessicat Wrote: I’m happy for you. Keep on strong.
On the note of seeing the small and beautiful things of this world: Today I saw a huge flock of birds leaving for warmer countries. There are lots of stuff in this life that’s worth seeing. Might not seem like such a big deal for other people. For me it was. 
It made me smile. ❤️

So true.  Strength has been building this week, so far so good, its funny how it takes one turn and then a person can go from strength to srength dont you think?! Endetted to you Jcat x

(11-13-2018, 04:52 PM)bleed_the_freak Wrote: I can relate a lot to what the OP has posted. My issue is I can't trust anymore and all I see is fakeness.

That's because there is a lot of it out there, but focusing energy on this only leaves a person feeling rubbish.  I think its good to be mindful of fakeness, as you term it, but its important not to get caught up in it, because it only leads a person down the path of misery.  

Maybe its about letting go, to stop feeling you need to be on high alert and trusting that you will recognise 'fakeness' when it appears and do what is needed at that time? 

Taking time to smell the flowers helps, shifts your focus, brings peace, restores calm, helps us see and feel what is really important - well that's what I reckon anyway. Nature is a power source.
Reply
#16
(11-15-2018, 10:12 AM)Richard_39 Wrote:
(11-12-2018, 03:26 PM)Twiggy Wrote: Hello people, I'm new to the forum; just spent the last hour trying to figure out how to get around it and how to work it - hoping this will come with use?!  Now thinking my user name should have been techdummy.

I used to have a pretty full life, but nowadays I struggle to leave my room and get the day to day things done, as I have a health condition. I'd say I'm content with my own company for 23hrs a day.  I'm past the frustration re not being able to do much now, I kind of accept it but I can get low, been stressed and ill a lot lately, so I've been escaping in the box set one after another, I've recently come to the end of 24 and missing Jack Bauer - with no new boxset yet to take Jack's place.

I'm kind of ok with being alone, it's easier and I feel more at peace, I like human contact but I dont like getting up close and personal with folk these days. When able I take more enjoyment from making something than being with people. I also prefer talking to strangers than to anyone I know.

Life's shown me that sooner or later I will run into trouble when I'm in a relationship with someone.  I'm not afraid to face the difficulties when a relationship hits a bump, infact I know that overcoming these challenges often strengthens a relationship, but as I've got older I just feel so less inclined to do so anymore, I'm either too angry or I cant be bothered. Guessing that a number of people I knew also felt this way about me and that's why they're gone now as my friend pool has somewhat evaporated. 

The only thing I really miss is laughter, because we can only really ever have a belly full when with someone else hey, I know already that when I do meet my end that will be a regret, that and more sex - cant do either of these things in isolation.  

I found that to be a friend it sort of means to be on a constant standby, ready to arrange a meet up at any moment, ready to have a chat on the phone or in the street, do a lot of things I have no real interest in doing, pretty time consuming really, then there's the offer to help, that's a big one. 

The circle of mummy friends I used to have seemed to always be competing to be the most kind, thoughtful, helpful person in the world - it was relentless and I felt shit when I'd forgotten something or someone or I hadnt thought about how I could have offered my services when someone else did.  It felt like a heap of helping for what to me - a few mildly fun gatherings and the feeling I was in the club. Then there was the back stabbing, the judgements and the politics to swerve - all so very tedious and sometimes just plain nasty.  Problem is, you're either with them or against them, so when I left I fell into the latter. 

Someone once said to me that a relationship is a bit like a bank account, you deposit, deposit, deposit some more then you can make a withdrawal. I kind of get that.  Now I'm ill I cant deposit, and I feel overdrawn with those I consider close, those who get me, so I've cut myself off from these people as well as it feels too uncomfortable, not equal anymore, I cant bring any fun or offer anything really - thing is I'm finding that it appears to suit them this way too of course, no one wants to keep on giving to get nothing back. If I've got nothing to give how can I be in any kind of relationship? I cant can I.

Not after sympathy but I'd be interested to read what others think about relationships, any experiences, lessons, theories or a 'must see' boxset recommendation would also be great.

Firefly.

Look at Mal. Closely. The way the character was written actually contains a lot that people like you, or me, who have grown rather bitter (I don't feel bitter is right, but I cant find the right word, probably "wearied"or reticent) about relationships. The man believes in nothing when you first meet him. By the end, though, in a great example of character growth, without thinking he's actually healed, you can definetely say he sees a way out of his misery. It helped me at the worst time, the absolutely worst and most miserable time in my life.

Relationships are difficult. The closest thing to an actual Act of Faith we can get. Sometimes, they pay off, others not. The important thing to me to remember is to take them as a lesson in how to grow and how to become a better person by learning from my own failiures, irregardless of the circumstances. It can only lead me to future better ones

Thanks for your thoughts R, yes glad you said that, bitter is not quite the right word is it, wearied and reticent are much better.  Never thought or heard a relationship described as an act of faith before, guess they are. I hear what you're saying, yes taking growth is key, finding that growth requires total honesty, Ive definately spent too long looking in the wrong places for it when what I needed was to look within.
Reply
#17
Well, to be quite honest, a relationship STARTS within. In order to find, you have to look. But in order to look, you have to figure out exactly what it is you want and how you want it. That starts with looking inside and that takes a while, because we're constantly evolving, changing and (hopefully) growing. Me, for example, who I was 20 years ago is very different from whom I am now, so what I'm looking for is different. That comes through trial and error and takes a good long while.
Relationships, to me, is like making a good pizza (Im serious lol). First time you make it you're real confident, bit cocky, this is gonna be the best thing ever and when you get it out and taste it....ugh, I shouldve eaten my sneakers ;-). But, lessons learned, over time you get netter and better at it. Eventually you find the perfect mix of skills, ingredients and a bit of luck and before you know it...you got a syndicated cooking show on NBC at 2 in between two soaps lol.

There's no real secret. Just time, patience and above all, openess and willingness to try.
Reply
#18
(11-18-2018, 11:24 AM)Richard_39 Wrote: Well, to be quite honest, a relationship STARTS within. In order to find, you have to look. But in order to look, you have to figure out exactly what it is you want and how you want it. That starts with looking inside and that takes a while, because we're constantly evolving, changing and (hopefully) growing. Me, for example, who I was 20 years ago is very different from whom I am now, so what I'm looking for is different. That comes through trial and error and takes a good long while.
Relationships, to me, is like making a good pizza (Im serious lol). First time you make it you're real confident, bit cocky, this is gonna be the best thing ever and when you get it out and taste it....ugh, I shouldve eaten my sneakers ;-). But, lessons learned, over time you get netter and better at it. Eventually you find the perfect mix of skills, ingredients and a bit of luck and before you know it...you got a syndicated cooking show on NBC at 2 in between two soaps lol.

There's no real secret. Just time, patience and above all, openess and willingness to try.

Yeah, I'm kinda always happy with a margeritta, guess that's why not alot changes these days hey, or is it that I dont like to mess with a winning formula? lol
Reply
#19
(11-15-2018, 12:56 AM)JAX Wrote: I'm sorry that you feel disillusioned with relationships.  I agree with @The Real Callie that potentially you haven't really accepted it (that's maybe why you are here posting?),  but maybe there is a part of you that wishes you would accept it!   I think many of us struggle with wanting to hide or quit trying to find real people and just be OK within our own walls, but truly it's a lonely place to be and if we are honest--- not a place where good things are happening in our life.  Community is important.    

Relationships take work.  It's one messy person with baggage connecting with another messy person with baggage.   To some degree, we all have masks and so we have to stick around long enough to be a safe place to let down that mask.   I believe that people change and grow during a friendship/relationship and you have to allow them grace to grow and realize you are growing into a better person as well.   It helps me when I stop assuming the problem is everyone else and I can take a honest look at my life and see changes I need to make.  How negative thinking has caused some behaviors and actions that push people away.  It's up to me to change that or to just  say that if "people can't take it, then I don't need them."   For me, it's a path to a bitter and lonely life.  

I think it's like most things in life that you have to keep trying and not give up.   There are days that it feels awesome and days you want to quit.    There are  weeds out there, so you wade through that, but just be careful to give people a chance.  Maybe we give up too easily.    I think we don't realize that it's not truly easy for most people (especially as we get older) and then we can finally start realizing that we all have to put in a LOT of effort.  It takes time to build a foundation of comfortable friendship and a sense of not taking yourself too seriously.  
My encouragement is to keep trying.  Every day.  Keep trying!  That's what I say about my diet and exercise too!  LOL

Thanks Jax, I need to remind myself that we're all struggling, that no one ever really finds relationships a doddle for sure, I do expect too much sometimes, I like to be treated how I treat others, but this is totally unfair and unrealistic and this does not equate to others being uncaring or wrong at all, I'm not usually this way when I feel well, its only really ever when Ive hit depression after weeks of bed and pain that it occurs, my rationality seems to up and leave for a bit, which it would wouldnt it when in isolated, I become the bear with a sore head, better to retreat to my cave when I feel like this - so I dont offend the people I love.  Seeking support form the kindness of strangers seems to work best for me during these times.  Glad I've found this forum, there's clearly some sound chat on here and some good souls. Thanks for your thoughts. T.x
Reply


Possibly Related Threads...
Thread Author Replies Views Last Post
  19 ways tо make someоnе fаll іn love wіth уоu Usvic1 10 379 07-12-2019, 01:57 AM
Last Post: abyssbcs512
  Ugh Relationships Is_There_More 0 278 06-14-2019, 01:53 AM
Last Post: Is_There_More
  We don't 'need' relationships doge 26 4,609 03-19-2018, 11:06 PM
Last Post: Richard_39
  How do I make the awkwardness stop? Azariah 2 983 11-04-2017, 09:19 PM
Last Post: Azariah
  Long distance relationships Positivevibes102 9 1,868 08-17-2017, 02:35 PM
Last Post: Yukongirl
Sad Relationships stopped right after beginning Augusto 4 1,316 04-20-2017, 02:11 PM
Last Post: Augusto
  Why some relationships work and others not as you wanted? owmygod 2 1,620 03-16-2017, 01:55 PM
Last Post: ardour
  What do you make of it? Lone-Lily 13 3,896 12-26-2016, 06:49 PM
Last Post: Skyless
  I'm Awkward and always make stupid mistakes Colin.winterfell 5 2,026 11-04-2016, 12:00 AM
Last Post: TheRealCallie
  Family make me so mad and angry, not sure what to do. Terry94 4 1,898 08-09-2016, 06:01 PM
Last Post: Wayfarer

Forum Jump:


Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)