Recently alienated when I tried to make friends via meetup.com

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user 150037

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I had never previously made that much of an effort to make friends due to - not only my social awkwardness - but also the fact that I'm an adult who looks like a scrawny teenager due to hormone deficiency.  But a few months ago, I joined meetup.com - and through them - found someone who was starting a whatsapp group.

I went to a couple of meetups - it was alright.  But then I said something on the actual whatsapp page - just about being generally curious about the people who had joined, but never posted.  I was curious about those people, and wanted to see if I could perhaps get talking to them - cos afterall I might have had something in common with them.  Of course people took it to mean that I was complaining that they never post anything.

Before I knew it I was getting lots of negative messages - and despite the fact that I explained that my message was in no way malicious - some were still a bit funny with me.  One person who I'd previously got on well with, saying that they're not comfortable joining any events that I go to.  Because of this, I left the group.

Even now, I'm incredibly anxious about not saying something that might upset people.

Has anybody else had any bad experiences?
 
Some feel the need to reinforce their bond with others by picking on someone. Like a pack attack. That’s the stuff your supposed to do when your a child, learn a lesson from it and never do it again. 
I was not popular among the girls in my school so I got a lot of that. It didn’t bother me but made me wonder why they didn’t like me. Felt it was so much easier to hang with guys. Being friends with girls was all about hurting someone, bullying and gossip. 
Maybe my school was a particular girl hell hole. 😝
 
I think that one of the social rules can sometimes be to agree anyway, even if you don't. I think it's important to be true to self, but this can also come at a cost, when you suggest anything that goes against the flow, when what you think or say stirs uncomfrotable emotions in others - or when it challenges their very existance - any of these situations can cause 'social difficulties'.

I lost a lot of freinds simply by saying I was moving, because the friends I had did not or could not understand why I would want to, I think it challenged the life they have 'settled' for, and instead of wishing me well, like I do them, I was viewed as crazy, not normal or above my station maybe, or that its me thats the problem not my surroundings, happiness comes from within right? Whatever it was - I was not offered any support and I was dropped without a second thought. I'm ok with this as these relationships were superficial anyway, and I'm at a stage in my life where I value my time greatly, so I can only really be with those who accept me just the way I am.

I remember the sheer look of horror on all their faces once when they were discussing the head and I said, oh that has not been my expereince at all, she's only ever be kind and supportive. It was social suicide because to be in the group was to also take umbrage with the head whenever this discussion took place - I'd clearly missed the memo lol.

What you did sounds like no biggie to me, like you say, you were trying to extend yourself to those who you sensed may be struggling too, I agree with what J says, sounds like a pack mentality, driven by fear and the need to be belong. It sounds pretty horrible how you were turned on like that.

I think being a friend is to know when it is one of those times he/she is seeking support or when they really need you to be honest and upfront, call them out even - I've always found this tough to gage, but I have learnt to never voice my opinion unless it is asked for with anyone - eventually anyway; I think you need to know a person well before you can be totally open and honest but even then compassion and diplomacy is still always needed.

Addressing this issue head on as you did maybe felt too exposing for those you were interested in? Perhaps face to face, individually might have been the way forwards? Sounds like you were maybe not yet established in the group and were maybe seen as too challenging? This is the category I have often fallen into myself, but it can help a person weed out the true friends. I think if you'd had one person in the group who got it, got what you did and why, laughed it off with you, then I think you'd have been ok, you'd have formed a sort of sub group within the group and maybe found a true friend.

In all the groups I have joined, and there's been alot for differing reasons, Ive probably only ever walked away with a friend on the odd occassion - hope this experience hasn't put you off trying because its kind of a numbers game and having a good friend is needed. Whenever each of puts ourself out there we always risk being rejected, that's just how it is for everyone. The trick is to keep going anyway x
 
[font=DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]On the day I was born[/font]
[font=DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The nurses all gathered 'round[/font]
[font=DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]And they gazed in wide wonder[/font]
[font=DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]At the joy they had found[/font]
[font=DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The head nurse spoke up[/font]
[font=DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]And she said leave this one alone[/font]
[font=DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]She could tell right away[/font]
[font=DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]That I was bad to the bone[/font]

[font=DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]*singing out loud* 😎[/font]
 
Jessicat said:
[font=DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]On the day I was born[/font]
[font=DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The nurses all gathered 'round[/font]
[font=DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]And they gazed in wide wonder[/font]
[font=DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]At the joy they had found[/font]
[font=DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The head nurse spoke up[/font]
[font=DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]And she said leave this one alone[/font]
[font=DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]She could tell right away[/font]
[font=DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]That I was bad to the bone[/font]

[font=DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]*singing out loud* 😎[/font]

You can't sing that unless you're riding a bike, have a pair of dark sunglasses and a black leather jacket, have a bodybuilder physique and a suspisciously Austrian sounding last name.
 ;-)
 
I have noticed that some groups are horribly cliquey, and don't tolerate anyone being "out of line". It's like tribalism to the extreme. I try to avoid those because there are other open doors, anyway.

If it happens a lot, maybe the way you're phrasing things comes off as critical even if the message itself is harmless. People often listen to how things are said as much as what's said.

I do go to one Meet Up that's pretty nice, a book club. There's no Whatsapp group, but I like being able to drop in on a monthly basis and have good acquaintances at least.
 
Twiggy, I appreciate your words very much. Thank you. And yes, it did feel like 'mob-mentality'.

Tealeaf, the whatsapp group was actually started on the discussion page of the actual website. This girl put a message up stating that she was opening up a whatsapp group on her phone, and was inviting people to join. Just wanted to clear that up with you.

:)
 
Twiggy said:
Jessicat said:
Hah!
I’m rocking that song in my pink pajamas. 
😎🔥😎

PMSL x

I'd like to profess my ignorance of english acronims; what does that mean? lol.
To stay in topic, I tried some meetup apps and group aps in the past. Was rather disappointed with the whole thing. I much prefer the old fashion way of just making new friends by a straight up talk, most of the time.
Though I'll admit, a North girl rockin' some Thoroughgood in pink pajamas would definetely be a conversation starter lol.
 
PMSL means Pissed myself laughing. Closely linked to ROFLMAO: Rolling of the floor laughing my ass off.

There yah go! 😜
Wish I had a good air guitar to go with the pink pajamas. Have to settle with epic singalong skills.
 
hewhowalksalone said:
Twiggy, I appreciate your words very much.  Thank you.  And yes, it did feel like 'mob-mentality'.

Tealeaf, the whatsapp group was actually started on the discussion page of the actual website.  This girl put a message up stating that she was opening up a whatsapp group on her phone, and was inviting people to join.  Just wanted to clear that up with you.

:)

Another thought I had is, there can sometimes be an established group leader - so anything this person says or does, logical or not, kind or not, the rest will support and follow to ensure their place in the group.  


As I've got older I've noticed that each of us on occasion will hold some power over another at some time, at work or socially, maybe when someone approaches us for advice.  Some people handle this power responsibly with integrity and compassion - consider the feelings and perspectives of everyone involved, they see the bigger picture, are perceptive - meaning they can way up what has happened or what needs to happen very quickly and act in a way that shows respect and kindness; others don't handle this power well at all and use it for personal gains, their inner child acts out and they behave the way they do 'because I want to - because I can' and for no other reason, without considering others.  Its a 'reaction' from the ego, not the 'response' from a kind, caring adult - an extreme example would be the egomaniac, there's always a scale and if you experience a little ego from a person then chances are you could get the full blown version at any time too.   


Sadly, there are large numbers of adults who lack this emotional intelligence / maturity and when they make supervisor, they make work hell for everyone - I'm sure you have come across this person - because we have all had to suffer them.  Its good to be mindful of these types so you can avoid them, its a good way to get the measure of person - observe how they handle power.  
Sounds to me like you had a lucky escape here, because whoever started this witch hunt in this group will no doubt make it miserable for the followers again and again. Good luck with it, keep going because there are some great people out there, who will appreciate you and like you for being you - promise x
 
I don’t have much work experience since I got sick at a young age. I have however experience this corruption power can bring out in people because it’s etched in my bones to be a follower. 
Some people with this power will make every day an opportunity to lift you higher and nurture the best inside of you. Others will corrupt you and make you regret even existing. It can be done in complete cover of darkness without me even noticing, until it’s devastating to get up on my feet again.
 
I've had a blend of both - first job I had, the management was terrible and they took the 'customer is always right' policy to the point where they neglected their staff and ignored times when customers were being genuinely unfair. But in my second job (which was actually the job I had just lost) the management were very compassionate and caring. This was evident when I was being made redundant - I could tell that my then boss hated having to tell me that she had to let me go. My bosses at Tesco would have just said 'we have to let you go', thrown my redundancy letter in my face, and pointed towards the door - I'm glad I took power and left that place before it crushed my spirit any further.

As for the girl who ran the whatsapp group - she was no different to a child playing 'tea party' with her friends.

Thanks guys for your words. I have seen more mature wisdom on this forum in the past week than I had on that whatsapp group in the month I was on it.
 

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