A lonely guy from a small town

Being a new user on this forum, I think I have to introduce myself.

I am a man and my name is Paul.

I am 28 years old. 

I live in Russia and my native language is Russian. 

I hardly finished school and have no decent education.

I worked as a laborer since 18 to 26 years. 

I do not work since 2016. And do not want.

I have my own flat which I rent out. Now it is my only way to earn money. But this money is enough only for survival.

I live with my brother in a flat of my parents. I do not communicate with my brother at all. We are too different. My parents live in other cities.

Our town is small, isolated and full of unfriendly people. I have many occasional acquaintances but have no true friends which could really understand me. Also it is hard to find a job here. 

And of course, I do not have a girlfriend. Moreover, I have never had one in my life. I am not rich, not successful, not very handsome and have no charisma, so I have no chance to get a girl. And the older I become the more clearly I realize: I will never have one and forever will be alone. 

I am shy, closed, introverted, not very talkative, partially a flegmatic, partially a melancholic, and my character is too meak that is not helpful in this tough world. 

I am tired of material hardships and unfriendly people.

When I was younger I had been feeling constant unhappiness, deep sadness, melancholy and depression. Sometimes I was feeling such keen yearning and despair that I cannot express: why did all they abandon me and what should I live for? During many sleepless nights I was thinking about suicide and about sweet death. But all these emotions and feelings now are burned and evaporated.

Now I feel just tiredness, inner emptiness and calmness.

I do not try to escape from loneliness because I believe it is impossible. Loneliness will last forever so I must learn how to live with it.

I realize I will never find a girlfriend, and love itself have lost all sense for me, and the word "love" must be excluded from my lexicon: it does not exist: it has never been existed and will never be existing. 

No hope to find understanding friends in real life. They are too different, they do not understand me and do not accept me: I am an outsider in their society. So I am trying to find good communication on the internet. Internet forums are my last opportunity for communication and socialization. That is why I came here. 

Hello.

Hi Paul, Welcome to the forum. I’m new here also and trying to figure out how it works. Wow you have very good English language skills, did you learn them at school?

I feel you

Hey.
Life suck sometimes. 
Glad to see you found this place tho!
Welcome. 
*wave*

Kateonline said:

Hi Paul, Welcome to the forum. I’m new here also and trying to figure out how it works. Wow you have very good English language skills, did you learn them at school?

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Hi Kate.

All I did at school was useless wasting of time. 

I started learning English when I was 20. I worked as a loader in a storehouse and spent my free time reading one good self-study book on English language. After that book I tried other self-study books. Also I listened to many English songs and translated their lyrics into Russian. In 24 I started to read original English books and it was very helpful. Now I read English books without translations.

I need practice and I believe conversations on this forum will help me improve my language skills. Since I have no opportunity to practise English in real life I try it on the internet. 


I want to learn English as good as it possible. Also I would like to learn German language, and I have already learned its basic grammar. But this demands too much time.

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Glad to see you people.

Welcome. It seems like you have a bit going in your favor. Being bilingual could open a ton of doors. You're only 28. How many people are in your village?

Black Manta said:

Welcome. It seems like you have a bit going in your favor. Being bilingual could open a ton of doors. You're only 28. How many people are in your village?

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Hello. 

Though I am "only" 28 I already feel myself not young. Even when I was "only" 25 or "only" 23 I was already lost. Many hopes died at age from 21 to 25. That was hard period of my life.

There are about 70 000 people here.

Greetings. You must be smart - I read a study that people who know more than one language are less likely to reach mental decline when they're older. Don't know how accurate it is.

hewhowalksalone said:

Greetings.  You must be smart - I read a study that people who know more than one language are less likely to reach mental decline when they're older.  Don't know how accurate it is.

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There are many interesting languages that  worth learning. The English language is most important of them. I think every modern man has to speak English, especially for using the internet.